I Can't Make This Stuff Up

Some weeks I scour all my various sources for weirdness worthy of a post and still come up wanting (and you wouldn't believe the dishpan hands I come up with). Other weeks the blog gods smile benevolently upon me and deign to drop into my lap a gem of weirdness I am in turn compelled to bestow upon you all. Whatever meager offerings I have raised up to the technologically geeky muses of mirth lately must have provided sufficient appeasement (somehow I am picturing Erato chuckling over lines of code) because upon opening an email that was neither spam nor chain mail I was blessed with the following.

My friends, behold The Banana Guard: The Original Banana Protector!

A hushed awe falls over the throng of pilgrims pressing forward to gape at the miracle.

I'll pause for a moment while you try to take it all in. The website assures us it is designed to accommodate the 'vast majority of bananas.' The wonder of this product fully delivering on its promises to maintain the perfection of your banana is certain to be breathtaking. I do feel a twinge of sadness for the unfortunate nanners that fall on either extremity of the bell curve though. What of the plantain? What of the tiny finger bananas? (Makes me wonder if the next product to be hawked will be a banana enhancement herb.) Are they left to fend for themselves in the cruel world of a darkened lunchbox as they are bumped and jostled by the pudding cup and ignored by the PB&J.

The New and Improved Version Two features a locking mechanism that "makes a satisfying snapping sound indicating your banana is well protected." After all, how can one truly revel in the joy of a really fine banana without assurances of the proper protection?

The site offers banana guards in Ravishing Red, Mellow Yellow, Sublime Green, Brilliant Blue, and Passionate Purple. It makes no mention of alternate materials for construction or availability of a battery pack option nor does it indicate if your Banana guard will arrive in a plain brown wrapper. However, we are assured that the new and improved model is designed with kids in mind. I'm not sure if I should be shocked or pleased by this progressive stance.

So hurry up and order your Banana Guard today because there's nothing so disappointing as anticipating that delectable treat only to find a bruised, limp, and mushy banana instead.