Weird Politics

You all know this election year may snap my already thinly stretched sanity. Sometimes it's good to find weirdness outside the '08 US Presidential Campaign.

TAIPEI (Reuters) - Taiwan's cabinet will soon lose one of its more colorful members who was notorious for sleeping in parliament, shouting at legislators, picking his nose in public and shoving a journalist.

Tu Cheng-sheng, education minister since 2004, will step down next month along with current President Chen Shui-bian.

"According to Eastern tradition and Taiwan culture, you could say that these actions were hard to accept," said Liu Chin-hsu, secretary-general of the National Teachers' Association.

(Is there a tradition or culture somewhere out there where this is easy to accept....The Jerry Springer Show excepted.)

TALLAHASSEE, Florida (Reuters) - Senate lawmakers in Florida have voted to ban the fake bull testicles that dangle from the trailer hitches of many trucks and cars throughout the state. Republican Sen. Cary Baker, a gun shop owner from Eustis, Florida, called the adornments offensive and proposed the ban. Motorists would be fined $60 for displaying the novelty items, which are known by brand names like "Truck Nutz" and resemble the south end of a bull moving north.

(May I just say if you need to dangle a pair of these things off the hitch of a truck that's probably big enough to run over the average sedan you have some serious insecurities in life. I do have warped enough sense of humor to think it would be pretty funny to see a set applied to some old Yugo.)

The Florida Senate voted last week to add the measure to a broader transportation bill, but it is not included in the House version. In a spirited debate laced with double entendre, Senate lawmakers questioned whether the state should curtail freedom of expression in vehicle accessories.
(Aren't you Floridians glad to know your legislators are spending time on such an important issue? Let's see if they can also tack on some measures addressing the naked girls on mudflaps and the Calvin cartoons where he is peeing on various things. I want parental ratings on vehicle adornments! Bumper stickers! Fuzzy dice! Regulate it all! And magnetic ribbons for various causes..let's tax them each and generate revenue! Come on Florida, you've got work to do!)

Critics of the ban included the Senate Rules Chairman, Sen. Jim King, a Jacksonville Republican whose truck sported a pair until his wife protested.
(Anyone else wonder if she's walking around with his real set too?)

SYDNEY (AFP) - An Australian political leader broke down at a news conference Tuesday as he admitted that he had sniffed the chair of a female colleague, local media reported.

The confession came from the leader of the conservative Liberal Party in Western Australia, Troy Buswell, who has previously owned up to snapping the bra strap of an opposition party staffer.

The incident took place in front of other staff and was done to get a laugh, she told the West Australian newspaper Tuesday after Buswell had refused to confirm the initial reports.

Buswell has previously admitted to snapping the bra of a staffer for the Labor Party, which governs the state, and has been accused by a retiring lawmaker of making sexist remarks to her.

The deputy leader of the state Liberal Party stood by Buswell, describing him as a "rough diamond with a robust sense of humour".

(I take comfort knowing the US has not cornered the market on political leaders who make disturbing gaffes when attempting humor with the opposite sex [Dubya meets the Queen, Dubya goes to Germany]. At least the Aussies haven't put this guy in charge of the whole country though. Good on ya, mates!)

The Bear Truth

At David's request, I share with you the story behind the picture.

So there I was looking for my chocolate only to find this bear had stolen it. Well, I just couldn't stand for that so I chased him down. It started out civilly. I asked nicely that he return my candy but he refused. I had no choice but to show him I meant business so I bashed him in the snout and knocked him flat. Here's the proof. Seriously, you don't want to interfere with my chocolate supply.

What? You doubt me? You see the photographic evidence don't you? You KNOW how I feel about chocolate. Why would you even suggest I have embellished the details even a little? Ok, ok....here's the real story.

I was 13. That is a real LIVE black bear that weighed somewhere approaching 500 pounds (not an unusual size in these parts). The bear had been darted with a tranquilizer though. My grandparents had a little weekend place up in the mountains and my aunt and uncle had a similar place next to my grandparents'. My aunt rented her place out to a fellow who worked for the game commission studying black bears.

The friend in the picture with me had come up for the weekend and was hoping to see bears. After a night of watching for them off the back porch and seeing nothing we went to bed slightly disappointed. Early in the morning we were awakened by a neighbor banging on the door and shouting, "Wake up! Keith has a bear!" My friend and I pulled on jeans and shoes as fast as we could and high-tailed it over the hill just in time to see my one-armed uncle wrestling the dazed bear to the ground. (Yes, I know that sounds like an embellishment but it's true. My uncle was the toughest man I ever met.). We watched as Keith and my uncle weighed and measured the bear, sampled its blood, and pulled a tooth. After all the vital statistics were collected and before Keith gave the bear a wake-up shot my friend and I were invited to touch the bear. She was very definitely not digging the idea. I tried in utter futility to lift just the head at which point my grandmother laughed and got me to look up so she could snap this shot.

During another visit when I had a friend along there was a different sort of encounter with the local bears. In addition to the trailer on her property my aunt has what we call a screen house. It's a one room affair with a woodstove for warmth and a loft for sleeping. Three walls are just screens from about three feet to loft height, with large shutters that fold up during the day or down at night. If you sleep in the screen house and need the toilet at night the rule is you use the outhouse down the path about 10 yards away. (Eat your heart out Hillary Clinton)

It was a cool autumn night when my friend and I were curled up in the loft under a thick pile of blankets and the call of nature began to whisper to us both. Eventually the whisper became a nagging whine and finally grew to an urgent cry which we could no longer ignore. We climbed down the ladder, put on our slippers, and trudged down the path to the outhouse when in the moonlight I spied the shining eyes that met mine from a height that was well over my own head. It took about half a second for my sleepy brain to register "bear" and then further process the location of said bear as being next to the outhouse door. I required another half a second to shriek and begin shoving my friend back toward the screen house. Two seconds later we were in the loft again. My friend was somewhat dazed as she hadn't seen the bear. I had not only seen it standing there but had also seen it take off AWAY from us as fast as it could when it saw us. Nonetheless, it was the middle of the night and it was a bigfreakingblackbear!!! I KNEW the bear was gone. I KNEW they were more afraid of me than I was of them. I KNEW they were basically shy creatures and I only had to worry if it was a sow and I was in between her and her cubs. But I still had quite the adrenaline rush. In all the excitement and considering that bladder capacity had been reached I did manage to maintain a manner of self-control that did not require a change of undergarments. That counts for something, right?

5 Things

Maddy wasn't content with the 5 things I told you about last week she wants five more sorts of things.

5 things found in your bag:

What bag?
My reusable, green shopping bags?
My magical bag of tricks?
The bags under my eyes?

Let's see...

an old receipt,
some stale gum,
some weird doodads that used to hang off the strap of the bag but fell off,
a spare ace,
assorted blood vessels and fluid retaining tissues

(I'll leave it up to you to sort out which item came from which bag.)

5 favorite things in your room:

Which room? Because I really don't have one that's all my own that I don't ever share with anyone else. I have to share my bedroom and master bath. The kitchen really should be shared more than it is. I'm currently in the living room with no one else. I guess I'll pick assorted items from various rooms...

My grandfather's painting,
my recipe box,
my blanket,
iPod,
photo albums

5 things you have always wanted to do:

dream the impossible dream,
see what happens when irresistible force is applied to immovable mass,
be the tree that falls in the forest when no one is around,
determine the number of licks required to get to the center of a tootsie pop,
eradicate the earth of canned peas

5 things you are currently into:

my clothes,
the chair,
the atmosphere,
a tight spot,
sumthin good

5 people you’d like to tag:

you, with the green shirt
you, with the brown eyes
you, with the cup of coffee
you, who has something other than an earlobe pierced
you, who has insomnia

Da Count & Friday 55-Unwired

FRIDAY 55

Metal mouth, tinsel teeth, tin grin.
I can't eat
hard pretzels, corn on the cob, caramels, apples, or chewing gum.
I just loooooove when I get an extra wire and Dr. Excitement tightens them all.
Not anymore, baby! After 33 months they are off!

Now if I could just learn to talk with a retainer....



DA COUNT

After nearly 3 years Diana got her braces off this week. I'm happy for her. She's had them a lot longer than was initially predicted. I made steak and corn on the cob in celebration. She had a big, juicy apple while I was cooking. She's also looking forward to playing her trumpet without the hindrance of her braces as well. She's a happy girl....until I start giggling at the way she lisps around her retainer. Bad Mommy, stop that! It's not funny.

Slice of Lime-Civic Duty

I am independent politically. I don't believe either major party has the best interest of the country at heart. It's all about obtaining and maintaining power. I have voted in every general election since I was 18 but I have steadfastly refused to declare a party because of my cynicism. Pennsylvania has a closed primary so one must declare a party in order to vote in the primary. Since we have ours so late the national party candidates are always long since settled upon by the time we hold the primary. For the first time in my life there's actually a race so I went and declared myself a Democrat. Admittedly, it wasn't because I am convinced one of the candidates is great. It's because I am so vehemently opposed to Hillary that I wanted a chance to vote against her (and, dear God, end the possibility of many more months of watching ads where she flounces around as a toddler in Scranton talking about how she is one of us because she used to use an outhouse at her grandpa's.) I was hoping my state would kick her out of the race. Alas, Pennsylvania disappointed me and she's not going to be conceding any time soon.

I Got Nothin...

So today we're going to play a weird little game of making wishes come true. I learned this from Snavy a long time ago. It's played like this...

The first person makes a wish. The next commenter makes that wish come true but with a weird twist and then makes his or her own wish, which is then granted by the next commenter with a weird twist, and so on and so forth.

For example.

Lime says: I wish I could eat all the chocolate I wanted and never get fat.

G-man says: Wish granted but all the chocolate tastes like liver and canned peas. I wish could go back to Florida.

Signgurl says: Wish granted but you're going to stay in the Everglades, dressed in a suit of porkchops. I wish.....

Get it? Ok, here goes...

I wish I could be on a beach right now...

Magic

I first posted this about 2 years ago so I think very few of you have read it. It's one of my favorite pieces so I'm going to rerun it today. I may use it to start a series of posts on family members.

I am the oldest of the great-grandchildren and my memories of Grammy are markedly different from the generation before me. By the time I came along, Grammy was a widow and no longer lived in the farmhouse that was the family homestead. It had become too much for her to tend to and so she sold the land to her church, which wanted to erect a new building. My grandparents converted their second floor into an apartment for her and the farmhouse was razed to make way for the church. The older generations all have fond memories of the farmhouse. I have only seen pictures.

My memories of her dwellings are of a tiny second floor apartment above my grandparents' house. I grew up only a mile away from my grandparents and spent a lot of time visiting them. A visit to Nana and Grampop’s was never complete without a trip upstairs. After card games with Nana or a number of songs on Grampop’s guitar (Bella) I’d start to get the itch. The magic would pull me. Nana could see it in my eyes before I ever said a word, "Go on, climb the wooden hill to Grammy’s."

I’d wander out to the hallway, stare up the steep flight and run my hand along the old banister as my little legs climbed each step, my expectation rising as I ascended. Many times a delicious smell or the sounds of some old music I didn’t recognize would draw me along. The magic started to swirl.

I’d reach the top and see her bathroom with all sorts of fancy atomizers, powder puffs, or other frilly things to hide what she deemed unmentionable. To the right I’d see her open door, the portal to a wonderland. Since the apartment had been designed for her it was built to accommodate her short stature. When she welcomed me in I’d marvel at how I could reach everything. It was magic! She’d draw me into the kind of hug only a "pleasingly plump" (one of her favorite phrases) farmwoman can give. My little arms would stretch around her sides and my fingers would trail up the stays in her corset. No one else I knew wore corsets. Surely this was more magic.

She’d settle me in at her kitchen table and give me a snack. I got milk out of a jelly jar or on occasion she’d give me some delicate china cup…more magic. The treats were always something home-baked. They were delectables no one else in the family could duplicate, because she was magic.

Once my little belly was sated the stories began. With a magic twinkle in her eyes she’d tell me of one-room schoolhouses, arsonist farmhands, horses and buggies, the great-grandfather I never knew, my grandfather’s misbehavior as a child. She could recite her school lessons from her earliest years. I had my favorite stories and poems and asked for them over and over. She could hold me spellbound all afternoon with her stories. Sometimes she’d bring out some enchanting prop to go with a story. There might be a fancy Victorian beaded purse or feather fan, crackled sepia photos with faintly recognizable faces, or a baby doll older than my grandparents. Every bit held its own magic and the magic grew when she trusted my clumsy little fingers with the treasures.

The day came when she could no longer climb the stairs to her apartment so she moved in with my aunt. She had lost most of her eyesight and her pleasingly plump frame had withered. She still managed to turn out delicious baked goods and her mind remained sharp as ever. Surely the magic was still there. Then she had a stroke from which she never recovered. During her last weeks in the hospital she drifted in and out of consciousness and was only able to make unintelligible sounds. My mother told me when I was grown, however, during what she knew would be her last visit to the hospital she had spent time at Grammy’s bedside, told her, "I love you" and lingered a few moments before leaving. As my mother reached the door, the surprise of a faint reply came, "Love…you…too." One last bit of magic.

Meme Madness

Suldog tagged me to answer each thing with 5 responses so here goes.

FIVE YEARS AGO, I WAS...
1. Not imagining I'd be moving at the end of the summer.
2. Celebrating my best friend's engagement.
3. Five years younger.
4. Sporting fewer grey hairs
5. Not even aware of what a zipline was


FIVE SNACKS I ENJOY
1. Chocolate-covered, peanut butter dipped pretzels, excuse me I need a moment alone.....ok.
2. Summer fruit. Berries and melons and peaches, oh my!
3. Lime Tostitos and hot salsa. Does this make me at all cannibalistic?
4. Hard pretzels
5. Bruschetta and garlic bagel chips


IF I WAS A BILLIONAIRE, I WOULD...
1. Be able to give a lot of money to the kinds of charitable work and research I believe in.
2. Make sure my parents and step parents never had to worry about their retirement.
3. Underwrite my own children's and grandchildren's educations and that of all sorts of other kids who'd otherwise never dream of college.
4. Travel the world, but still not stay in 5 star hotels.
5. Surprise waitresses and checkout people and other folks with low-paying jobs, who do them well and with a pleasant attitude, with ridiculously huge tips.


SOME JOBS I HAVE HAD
1. Painting my old high school
2. Laundress at a nursing home
3. Camp counselor at a special ed. camp
4. Teacher at maximum secure facility for juvenile delinquent boys
5. Chief cook and bottle washer


DIFFERENT PLACES I HAVE LIVED
1. Across the street from a football stadium
2. Next door to a graveyard
3. Across the street from a halfway house for the State mental hospital
4. Next door to a hog farm.
5. In what used to be the nurse's quarters for a hospital.


FIVE LIES
1. I am 5'8"
2. I weigh 120 lbs
3. I wear a size 4
4. I don't have to work out to maintain this
5. I feel full after I've eaten 2 carrot sticks


Then San tagged me with a foursies meme, though I'm omitting the ones I already covered in Suldog's tag.


4 Movies I have/would watch over and over again (Just to be difficult I'm going to give you quotes from the movies and you can tell me which flick they represent.)
1. "There's a shortage of perfect breasts in the world. 'Twould be a pity to damage yours."
2. "King? Well I didn't vote for you!"
3. "You're already a bastard. Might as well be an enlightened one. "
4. "Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window. "



4 people I want to "Bitch Slap right into the middle of next week"
1. The maniac driver I posted about over the weekend.
2. Dubya*
3. Billary Clinton*
4. No one else comes to mind at the moment.
*I am bipartisan in my loathing of powermad political types and yes, I do think BOTH of them are powermad.


4 People who email me regularly
1. People who want me to enhance my penis
2. People who want me to buy replica watches
3. People who want me to meet sexxy s1ngles
4. People who lack any ability to spell or apply any kind of reasonable syntax or sentence structure to their writing.


4 TV shows I watch..I so rarely get control of the remote so these are the shows that are most often on and I just happen to be in the room, not that I have chosen to watch them mind you.
1. Scrubs...Ok, it's funny and I laugh, but I think I have seen every episode 50 times now. Enough.
2. America's Next Top Model...Please find me a nice documentary. I think my IQ just fell 20 points.
3. Reruns of football games. I swear I didn't know they even reran football games. Watching them live is bad enough but watching a bunch of games from years ago...good gravy, that's a special brand of torment.
4. Bonanza reruns. Diana has an inexplicable fascination with this show.


4 Places I've visited
1. The bathroom
2. The psych ward
3. The jungle
4. The zoo
(Oddly, it could be said I never even left home for any of them.)


4 places I'd like to be right now
1. I the arms of a good man
2. Back in bed
3. On a warm beach
4. Under the hands of a skilled masseur/masseuse


4 things I'm looking forward to this year
1. Going to the beach
2. My best friend and I going away to celebrate turning 40 (but can we do that without actually turning 40?)
3. Isaac and Calypso finishing the school year. It's been a long year for both of them.
4. Diana finding a job so she can help put gas in the car for all the driving she wants to do.

A Good Day

So as to not have the last unhappy, ranting post on top until Monday I will give a brief report of today...

It was opening day for the local Little League. The weather was sunny and warm. The kids were excited. Our team didn't win but we played hard and the guys had a good time. You can tell the boys are more comfortable this year since it is their second year together. A spirit of camaraderie pervaded. We have terrific coaches who encourage the boys in a positive manner. One boy is out for the season because during a scrimmage he got hit in the eye and had facial bones broken. He had surgery this week to repair the damage and still made it to the game. He can't play but he was there supporting the team and his team was overjoyed to have him there.

It was a good day of simple pleasures.

@#!%#$*&*!!!!!!

We interrupt this blog for a rant...

To the belligerent jackass in the gold Passat:

This evening around 5pm my newly driver permitted daughter accidentally cut you off. It was not a premeditated act designed to piss you off. It was an inexperienced teen who hesitated at a busy intersection rather than pulling out confidently. It was understandably irritating to you and I was explaining that to her when you decided to remain about 12 inches off our rear bumper and lay on the horn for the next 45-60 seconds as we traveled a narrow-laned road with no shoulder.

That was a bit over the top but what you did next was the most infantile, outrageous, hostile example of road rage I have ever personally witnessed in my life. You passed us in a no passing zone then immediately pulled in front of us with very little space and stopped DEAD in the middle of the road. You clearly were hoping we'd hit you, presumably so you could then sue us. By the grace of God my brand new driver managed to stop our car with about an inch to spare. I so wanted to get your license plate so I could report your sorry ass to the police for being such a willfully reckless fuckwit. However, I was too busy keeping my daughter calm.

I noticed you had a young child in your front seat and the child was unrestrained. If you manage not to kill this kid before he or she reaches driving age I hope people are more patient when he or she is learning to drive than you are. The next time you decide to try to cause an accident because someone angers you on the road I hope you are the only person who gets hurt and not someone else's child. You are a fucking menace.

Yours truly,
One seriously pissed off mother.


Thank you, we now return you to the regularly scheduled blog...for a more uplifting post, Da Count may be found below.

Da Count-Rock On!

Since I have been laid low this week due to my stupid lower back I have watched an inordinate amount of TV. I've had on a bunch of stuff I rarely ever see. I've spent a bunch of time bemoaning my back and the Democratic debate and coverage of all the frenzy leading up to the Pennsylvania primary on Tuesday. As if my back wasn't aggravating enough here's me screaming at the George Stephanopoulos and Charlie Gibson for their utter incompetence in moderating a debate that covers topics that directly related to a candidate's ability to govern. Gah!!!! My children came rushing into the room fearing I had really hurt myself because of my ranting only to find their mother shouting at the TV over the inanity passed off as significant, meaningful debate of important issues. Yes, I have been a miserable grouch all week.

Yesterday however as I was once again laying around flipping channels I ran across the Ellen DeGeneres Show. She had on "Young@Heart" which is a New England senior citizen's choir that covers all manner of contemporary artists from Bruce Springsteen to Outkast. Apparently there is even a documentary about them currently in theaters. So here is their performance on the show. It's brief and you really need to see the end. I'll wait till you get back from watching.





Ok, was it high art? No. Was the singing even all that fabulous? No. Are these people having an absolute blast and putting smiles on people's faces and keeping themselves active? You bet your bippy. They put a big smile on my face when I needed it this week.

They also reminded me of my grandmother, who is no longer with us, and my great-great aunt, who still is. Nana went hot air ballooning at 75 and parasailing at 76. She thought nothing of crawling around on the floor with my kids when they were very young and she was 78. My aunt is 86 and if you've ever seen her sing "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts" you know if you asked her to "shake it like a Polaroid picture" she wouldn't hesitate for even half a second. Actually, she'd be the one grabbing the rest of us and telling us to shake it with her.

So this week I'm counting Nana, Aunt B, and a group of seniors having a great time.

Purple Slice of Lime

My back is completely screwed up again and taking a new picture for this week just wasn't going to happen. So I dug through some old stuff to give you this week's slice.

Remember how I told you my mother is a complete purple fanatic and that I grew up in a purple house and was clothed in nothing but purple until I was old enough to express my dislike of the color? Here is some evidence.



I'm wearing purple, sitting on my purple covered bed in a room with lilac walls. You can just imagine the pain I caused my mother when I rejected her favorite color. Alas, it was not the only way I'd break her heart. She thought I was a dainty girly girl. That lovely canopy bed? I bent the hell out of the canopy inside of a month by regarding it as my own private set of monkey bars and using it to dismount from the bed like Tarzan.

Madame Lime's Chocolate Zodiac

Monday I mentioned a Chocolate Zodiac. Today I thought I'd create one. Need direction or love advice? Consult this zodiac and all will be revealed.

Chocolate Ice Cream (January 19-February 16) You are refreshing to be around but you require rather specific conditions to perform well. You can alternate between being a real drip and being downright frigid if you are not provided the right environment but those who treat you right are rewarded with real pleasure. You'll find happiness with Cake but should stay away from Hot Cocoa.

Milk Chocolate Candy Bar (February 17-March 13) There is no pretense with you. You are what you are and you make no apologies. Some find you too ordinary. However, when someone is in a real pinch they won't hesitate at all to call on you for your ability to provide comfort. Avoid Truffles in a love match as their air of superiority would strain your down to earth sensibilities. Look for White Chocolate who is often misunderstood.

Ganache (March 14-April 19) You are admired for your elegance. You enjoy cultivating the idea that you've managed something difficult even though with minimal effort others could achieve the same. You are the one who holds everyone together with your strength and who provides polish in any situation. Although you are strong you can be hurt by those who are harsh with you. Look for love with Truffles. Avoid Mousse.

Cocoa Nibs (April 20-May 15) A great many people don't have the slightest idea what to make of you when they encounter you. Misconceptions surround you but you don't really care. You know what treasure is locked inside and you'll only give it over to the one who truly appreciates you. Although some may be surprised to see the two of you together a Truffle is a good partner for you. Stay away from Cakes though since their happy-go-lucky attitude gets on your nerves.

Chocolate Cake (May-16-June 21) Like Ice Cream you are popular and folks enjoy being around you. You're more adaptable though and can navigate great formality or basic simplicity with ease. You are a peacemaker who can even keep Ganache and Mousse together harmoniously. You get along with nearly everyone but it's best to avoid Cocoa Nibs because you'd find them too bitter to tolerate.

Dark Chocolate Truffles with Raspberry Center (June 22-July 21) You are refined and expect to be treated accordingly. You really want everyone to like you but many shy away. True you have a dark side but once people take the time to get to the core of you they often find you quite likable. Your dark side enables you to understand Nibs better than anyone else and helps others appreciate Nibs as well. Nibs will help you loosen up a bit and not worry about what others think. White Chocolate could also provide a nice balance to you. Stay away from M&Ms who will never see you as anything but haughty.

Chocolate Mousse (July22-August 11) You are delicate and must be handled with care. Success for you requires more patience and careful attention to detail but when you arrive fully you are magnificent. Love is best found with Chocolate Cake but avoid Ganache who will only overpower you.

Chocolate Chips (August 12-September 17) You wish you had the strength to stand on your own but you generally need the support of others. What you don't realize is your presence is often what strengthens those you are with. You add a special sweetness to every setting you are in and make people smile even when you are melting from the heat of the situation. That said, it's probably best to avoid Cocoa. Pair up with M&Ms for happiness.

Milk Chocolate with Peanut Butter Meltaway Center (September 18-October 30) You strike a good balance between being sweet and loving and having a salty sense of humor. Lots of folks find you common but when they get to know you they'll appreciate how complex you really can be. You'd do well to avoid Truffles who think you lack refinement. Find a nice Cake, who also has nuance, to settle down with.

M&Ms (October 31-November23) You are a party animal. You're a bit frenetic at times. Everyone notices you. You bring a smile to everyone with your antics and enliven staid situations. You don't have a lot of patience for the dark brooding types so stay away from Truffles. You'll get along with Chips who may help calm you down when you are too over the top.

White Chocolate (November 24-December 18) Adored by some, reviled by others. You are easy on the timid folks who find the stronger personalities overbearing. It's because you often feel like the outsider looking in. You don't understand why someone as sweet and mild as you are can evoke such strong reactions in either extreme. You give a light touch to heavy situations. Look for Milk Chocolate, Ganache or even Nibs. Don't expect a love match with Chips.

Hot Cocoa (December 19- January 18) You are adept at helping others de-stress. You are warm, soothing, unassuming. You won't turn anyone away. You're a good listener who just wants to help. You can be kind of smothering toward Chips and Ice Cream though so keep a safe distance and look for just about anyone else.

Mothers of the Year

I considered re-running a favorite post about my family from eons ago. I started a post about the political brouhaha in Pennsylvania following Obama's comment about guns and religion and how I'll tolerate his poorly chosen words and subsequent apology better than I can stomach Hillary's pandering ads that suggest people from NE Pennsylvania aren't interested in real issues but prefer to mindlessly vote for someone who used an outhouse a couple of times in her childhood because that makes her "one of us."

Neither one of those ideas turned me on though.

Then I read Kathryn's post about how she accidentally gave her wee one a fat lip. I decided to expand on the comment I left at her place regarding one of my own mother of the year moments.

Way back when Diana was just a wee infant I was changing her diaper in the middle of the night. I was devoted to being economical and earth conscious so I used cloth diapers. I had my technique down pat. One of the tricks to getting the pin to glide through the fabric with ease, especially when you had extra layers in a diaper intended to hold during sleeping hours, was to first run it through your hair or against your scalp and give it a little coating of natural hair oil. Having lubricated the pointy little implement I dug it into the diaper with my fingers between the diaper and Diana's skin so if anyone was to be inadvertently stabbed it would be me not her.

Now on this particular night I was especially groggy and since Diana was a few months old I suppose I was on autopilot. Unfortunately autopilot malfunctioned. As I pushed the pin into the diaper I met with resistance. I began to push harder and harder. Still it seemed I could not penetrate the thick layers of two diapers that would hopefully prove absorbent enough to give me (and the baby) a little extra sleep. After some moments of fruitless though continued effort I looked at my precious child's face and noticed the contorted grimace and purple hue that let me know she was just about to let loose with one of the most blood curdling shrieks ever.

Brilliantly deducing this was a sign of extreme pain I then shuddered to imagine why she was hurting. I unwrapped her diaper quickly and there noticed that I had somehow managed to get the pin past the "protective barrier" of my own fingers and had dug a lovely hole right into her hip. Diana was now in full wail and I joined her with great sobs of repentance. The bawling was surely heard for some distance. Mr. Lime was awakened by the howling and found a hysterical wife clutching a half-naked shrieking baby to her chest and apologizing in between crying jags and declarations of motherly love.

He eventually got us both calmed down and back to bed. The next morning I was still overcome with guilt. Looking at Diana's hip every time I changed her diaper didn't help matters. At some point my grandmother called just to chitchat. I poured out my tale of maternal guilt and bewailed my unfitness as a mother. She listened to it all then offered wisdom and perspective that came from time and experience...

"Oh honey, Diana will be just fine and she certainly won't remember. Every woman I knew when I was raising my kids accidentally pinned their own baby at some point. Besides, I stuck your father in a much more sensitive area and he survived."

*Gasp*

Lime as an Onion

Layer One: On the Outside
Name: Grand High Exalted Mystic Lime
Birthday: shared with the ever delectable Hugh Jackman
Current Location: sitting on my ever widening arse
Eye Color: honey with flecks of gold (That's how Mo, of Cross-cultural Communication fame described them, poetic, no?)
Hair Color: salt and pepper
Righty or Lefty: righty tighty, lefty loosey
Zodiac Sign: I think I will invent my own chocolate zodiac just so I can be dark Milk Chocolate with a peanut butter meltaway center.

Layer Two: Just Below the Surface
Your Weakness: My stupid lower back which keeps betraying me.
Goal: To get my stupid lower back strong and stable without having to go through surgery.
Your Fears: Having my stupid lower back cut into by a surgeon.

Layer Three: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
Your thoughts first waking up: Ugh, morning already.
Your bedtime: When I become incoherent or one of the kids rouses me from my own puddle of drool on the couch.
Your most missed memory: If I could remember it I wouldn't miss it, now would I?

Layer Four: Your Pick
Pepsi or Coke: Ginger Ale
McDonald's or Burger King: Are you trying to make me vomit or scare the crap out of me. I mean really...the choice of equally awful 'foods' sold to me by either a demented clown or a downright creepy, oversized plastic king. *shudders
Single or Group dates: Dates aren't my favorite fruit, I prefer berries
Adidas or Nike: The Goddess of Victory, of course
Lipton Tea or Nestea: Stash teas
Chocolate or Vanilla: If you know me at all, you don't even need to ask
Cappuccino or Coffee: I never touch Evil Bean Juice. It's vile.

Layer Five: Do You?
Smoke: I smolder
Have a crush: Grape Crush please.
Think you've been in love: I know I have been.
Want to get married: Last time I checked I already was.
Believe in yourself: I blog, therefore I am
Think you're a health freak: My freakiness is your normal and vice versa

Layer Six: In the Past Month
Drank alcohol: Yep
Gone to the mall: Thankfully, no.
Eaten Sushi: Again with the trying to make me vomit...
Gone skating: Nope
Dyed your hair: You MUST be kidding. My family caused my grey hair, they get to look at it.

Layer Seven: Have You Ever?
Played a stripping game: Once I had to strip the bathroom wall of 100 years worth of layers of paint.
Gotten beaten up: Not going there.
Changed who you were to fit in: I adapted to a completely different culture but I didn't essentially change who I was at the core.

Layer Eight: Getting Old
Age you’re hoping to be married: Been there, done that
Plastic Surgery or Wrap: What?????
Buried or Cremated: Green burial, thank you. Pine box, white shroud, no embalming.

Layer Nine: Perfect Mate
Best Eye Color: I'm a complete sucker for brown eyes that dance with life and sparkle with mischief
Best Hair Color: Makes no difference
Short or Long Hair: Long enough to run my fingers through

Layer Ten: What were you doing...
1 HOUR AGO: Realizing my plans need serious revision.
1 WEEK AGO: Implementing Phase 1 of my diabolical plans.
1 MONTH AGO: Putting the finishing touches on my plan for world domination.
1 YEAR AGO: Deciding to take over the world.

Layer Eleven: Finish the Sentence
I LOVE: Chocolate
I HATE: Mocha
I HIDE: Chocolate
I MISS: Being able to eat chocolate and stay skinny
I NEED: A hot fudge sundae with peanut butter ripple ice cream.

So Indulge Me Ok?

Yeah, you're probably tired of hearing about Boston already. I've now officially posted about it for more days than I was even there. Not to worry, not a long read today. I'm just going to toss out some of my favorite pictures that didn't make the cut for the other posts. Reading will be minimal.

I just wish this one hadn't been overexposed. Too big of a hurry right before everyone left for work, school, and home. Otherwise it would be a very nice picture.

Beautiful boy.

Yeah, I take pictures of weird stuff like tree bark.

Along the Charles river.

Same place. It was so foggy the standard view of the skyline was uninspiring. So I picked a different angle.



Memorial Hall. When I saw it from a distance I thought it was a church.

It's got gargoyles and everything and check that slate-work and masonry. But it's a lecture hall not a church.

In the shadow of Memorial Hall is the tiny Swedenborg Chapel. I think this could fit in the auditorium of Memorial Hall. It made me wonder if we worship big brains and small gods. Yes, I have strange thoughts in addition to taking strange pictures. This should not be news to any of you if you've read here for any amount of time.

In the Colonial graveyard. A lot of the stones had that winged skull across the top. Some were simpler. This was one of the more ornate ones.

Other stones had this design. Yeah, I know I am weird for taking pictures of headstones. I'm cool with that.

Just a basic city sight. I'm a fan of public transportation. I like living in the country but I hate having to hop in the car for everything. I got very accustomed to cheap, reliable public transport when I lived in Trinidad. It was nice to park my car for 3 days and still be able to get around with ease.

Cheeky Slice of Lime

I told you yesterday how Snavy and I walked through the Harvard campus hoping to somehow stimulate out intellect. I also told you I was pretty sure it didn't work on me. Here you see evidence of my doltishness before the stroll through Harvard.

Below is the evidence occurring after the stroll. Snavy and I both noticed the defaced sign at the same time. I complied with its directive and so I offer my "ass stance."

Boston Still Stands, Cambridge Reels

Yesterday I promised to tell you today about Saturday. I'll pause while those of you who either haven't had your morning coffee or have endured a far too long day pause to consider the previous sentence.

Saturday morning I enjoyed a lazy morning with my cousin and her son. In addition to being the very coolest cousin around she was also very generous about me gallivanting around without her for a day. She had a few patients to see in the afternoon so she agree to drop me at a train station where I was at long last able to meet up with the blogger responsible for dragging yours truly into the blogosphere, the ever lovely Snavy.


Yes, once upon a time there was a magical land known as Yahoo Trivia. Geeks and nerds from all around the globe would gather to test one another in knowledge of obscure facts. It was here that Lime and Snavy first met and became pals. The Land of Trivia was being invaded by trolls and spambots and several disgruntled trivvers began blogging, Snavy among them. One day she and Lime were commiserating over various domestic drudgeries and Snavy suggested she and Lime do a humor blog on that very topic together. Little did Lime know, as she quipped back and forth, that Snavy was setting up the blog as they chatted. Thus Insane Asylime was opened. A mere month later, due to acute blogging addiction, House of Lime came to be. So there you have it. If anyone finds this space a complete waste of time, it's all Snavy's fault. She very wisely deleted her blog recently so as to avoid the onslaught of complaints sure to follow her now that I have revealed her guilt. But I digress...back to Saturday.

After we met up at the train station we rode into Cambridge and decided to wander around. We found a souvenir shop where I could dump some money into t-shirts to take back to my brood. We also found some bumper stickers. We are far too easily amused and spent a fair amount of time horsing around as we looked through them all.






After scaring away more legitimate customers we left and wandered a bit more. Apparently Snavy and I both share a certain morbidity because we went searching for then gleefully tromping through a Colonial graveyard checking out all the headstones. After pestering the dead we felt a bit peckish and wandered off to find food. We found Mr. Bartley's Burgers.




It had a long line out the door but we decided to wait anyway. All the burgers are named after politicians, sports figures, or other pop culture references. Since they had menus outside we got to put our order in while waiting in line and they called us in when a table and our food was ready. Pretty efficient.

The food was reasonably priced, yummy, and filling. The frappe alone was a meal. Once inside you see what a hole in the wall it is, but that's part of the charm and personality. Of course it also has to be the only place on the planet where you would overhear someone shouting, "I need a Viagra!" or asking, "Can you get your mouth around that thing?" all while watching one blogger eat Mitt Romney and another eat Nancy Pelosi...and it's all completely innocent.

*Eating Nancy Pelosi (horrifying thought, good sandwich, great name for a rock band)

After giggling through the meal like a couple of Junior High students and cracking any number of off color jokes we decided perhaps it was time we attempt to raise our intellectual status. And so it came to pass that Snavy and Lime went to Harvard. We were hoping perhaps to experience intelligence by osmosis. I am sorry to say, in my case at least, the experiment was a failure. I will be presenting evidence of such tomorrow. During our stroll through the campus we overheard one shapely blonde co-ed with a baseball mitt say to a couple of more studly types, "I'll go long." The studs retorted that one only goes long in football, not in baseball. All I have to say is, I don't even like sports and I know that much. I think that level of knowledge ought to be a prerequisite for admission to Harvard. Sheesh!

So after a terrific afternoon with the fabulous Snavy it was time to part. She left me at the train station and rode off in her minivan with a full belly, a Harvard infused brain, and tie dyed feet. Thanks, Snavy. I had a blast!

Boston Still Stands

I am back from Massachusetts and here to report on all most some of the goings on. I pulled into the Boston area around 5:30 Friday evening and headed over to my cousin's chiropractic office. She gave me an adjustment right away then plunked me down in a massage chair and how great is that after a 5 and half hour drive? After her last patient we picked up her son and headed out for Thai food for dinner.


Here are Lisa and Jacob huddling for warmth at the restaurant. We had a long wait for a seat and as you can see by the jackets kept on the place was freezing cold but the food was fabulous and the service was terrific. Between the good company and the great taste it was one of the best meals I've had in a long time.

Pardon the grungy sweatshirt. Did I mention the restaurant was like a refrigerator? It's ok though because check out that food. Chicken and cashews, veggies, pineapple, chillies all served in half a pineapple. Yummy good stuff. Yes, I ate the whole thing. It was late, I was hungry, and did I mention the food was incredible?

We had planned to go to Lisa's dance group after dinner but everyone was pretty tired, her from a long week, me from a long drive, Jacob from being at extended hours daycare. He was such a trooper about the long wait at the restaurant we decided to not push the issue. We just crashed out back at her apartment.

Tomorrow you'll get the report on my Saturday activities because there is a bit of a surprise there. Onto Sunday's activities.


When I told Lisa I was coming up to see her she asked if I wanted to go to the Food Show that was going to be taking place in Boston. She has a friend who is a chef and who was planning to invite several pals to go with her. Lisa told me we had no admission to pay. It would just be a convention center full of free food. Let me think about that for half a second. YES! Let's go! I was instructed to wear comfortable shoes and stretchy pants.

Sunday arrived and I was attired in appropriately elastic clothes and carrying my camera. I planned to take a lot of pictures. Unfortunately as soon as I snapped this one of about one third of the show floor a security guard came over told me I was being very naughty and I'd better not take any more pictures if I wanted to enjoy any of the food. Given that I was already there as an impostor caterer (Technically you have to work in the food service industry to attend this thing and Lisa's friend signed 3 of us up as her "employees.") I figured I wouldn't push my luck. I didn't want to jeopardize my opportunity to gorge on gourmet goodies.

After we covered the entire show and tasted just about everything we waddled back out to the lobby and I saw the Mad Hatter. I thought perhaps some of the herbs I tasted right at the end were causing hallucinations. (Seriously, the last one was without question the weirdest thing I have ever put into my mouth in my entire life. It looked like a pea-sized, lemon-colored flower shaped like a clover blossom. Half of that flower split among the 4 of us made my tongue tingle like I had the world's most powerful effervescence in my mouth.....I dunno, imagine chewing up and entire case of Alka-Seltzer along with a pack of Pop Rocks. It wasn't hot and spicy but it just destroyed your ability to taste anything else. I required several shots of sake to neutralize the first layer of effervescence, followed by some full bodied red wine, and chased by Mike's Hard Lime, then Mike's Hard Cranberry. Truly bizarre.) Anyway, once I decided I was not hallucinating, I decided to take a chance with my camera just so I'd have something else to show you all while I once again pondered the Belgian waffles, fresh Italian cheeses, succulently roasted meats, decadent desserts, pastas, fish, roasted veggies, salads, and then the row of microbrewers, distillers, and vintners...yes, they gave you all the free samples you wanted. My tongue shall be ever grateful to the guy at the sake booth.

There was a bunch of free stuff that was not food. Here is just some of the swag they were handing out at the show. I bet you all wished you had 5 plastic cockroaches. The mini martini glass contained what was quite possibly the world's worst margarita. Notice the Magic Hat condom at the bottom. In addition to the stuff in the picture I also got 2 flyswatters and a free t-shirt.


I got lei'd three times at the food show as well so maybe that's why they were handing out the condoms.




It really was such a wonderful weekend. Lisa, Jacob and I just enjoyed each other thoroughly. She indulged me with adjustments, good conversation, awesome food, a stack of free books, and time to unwind. Love you, cuz! Thanks so much for everything!

Da Count in 55-Lisa

Five years ago we didn't even know the other existed. Then she came to a family reunion...wearing tie-dye. I was drawn by the multi-hued magnet. We've been fast friends ever since, this crazy cousin and I. Today I'm headed north to visit her for the weekend.
Look out Boston, here we come!
Be very afraid!

Slice of Lime With Schmear

Anyone who knows me knows I hate wearing makeup, knows I don't even own any real makeup. You might even know I didn't even wear any on my wedding day. With that bit of knowledge you might wonder why I have a picture up that looks like I may well have needed to chisel my face off later on. It couldn't possibly be because I ran out of time to take any other picture and I knew you had never seen this one, naaaawwwww. Yes, I realize It's a really ghastly, garish make-up job. It was supposed to be. The truth is I still hate wearing make-up for every day occasions, and I figure why put it on for a special occasion because then I don't feel like myself anymore. Therein lies the answer. I was a drama club geek all through junior high and high school and into college. It's all about getting into character. Make-up to me is automatically associated with being on stage and being someone other than who I normally am. A couple months ago Lecram put out the call for bloggers to shoot a scene for a short movie he was putting together. (Illness and family needs later put the project on the shelf.) It sounded like great fun and he said he envisioned my part as somewhat Norma Desmondish. It was a hoot putting a campy Lime twist on the bit, including the badly overdone face. Of course, I had to go scrambling through the Halloween box and my daughters' bedrooms to find enough product to apply so heavily but for the sake of getting into character I'll don make-up readily.

Weird Wednesday-Political Lookalikes

Last week some time I stumbled across some news article saying genealogists discovered BarackObama is related to Brad Pitt and Hillary Clinton is related to Angelina Jolie. What this proves or why any of us should really give a fat rat's butt is beyond me but after pondering it deeply for all of 30 seconds I got a great mildly amusing blog post idea out of it. Now I am no Sudiegirl when it comes to captioning political photos (I swear that woman will singlehandedly maintain my tenuous grip on sanity during this election season with her political captions....Really! Go look around in her archives after you are have commented about either the brilliance of my post or its suitability for use as fertilizer.) but I did find my own way to have a bit of fun with some pictures of candidates.

Lots of us have plugged our own photos into this nifty little generator to see who we resemble. I don't think Barack favors Brad nor does Hillary resemble Angelina so who DO they resemble and could there be a connection?

First let's examine Barack Obama.

Mark Feehily: They have matched a man of color with an individual who appears to have no melanin production to speak of and who is quite possibly the pastiest white man on earth without crossing over into albino territory.

Kevin Spacey: Well, Obama demonstrated on the Ellen Degeneres show that he's got a few dance moves. I wonder if he can sing Bobby Darrin too.

Nelson Mandela: I guess I can see some similarity in the jawline. I'm thinking MyHeritage.com may have just revealed its own bias with this match up though.

Lance Armstrong: I dunno if I am seeing this match. Put Obama in some spandex and let me squint a bit.

Vin Diesel: All I can say is I reckon it's the ears.

Nicholas Cage: Well, A lot of folks seem moonstruck with Obama. Nick named his kid Kal-El (Superman's Krypton name).

Terrence Stamp: Apparently this guy portrayed Jor-El (Superman's father) in the series Smallville. Hhhmm....more subtle bias or could this be the beginning of some sort of internet prophecy?

Arnold Schwarzeneggar: Are you kidding me???? He's a square-jawed white Republican who can't even pronounce the name of the state he lives in and governs. Obama is a pointy-chinned African-American Democrat who knows better than to represent Illinoise. But I wonder, if he looses the nomination will he be back?


Ok, moving on to Hillary. And yes, this is where I reveal my bias. I was going to use a normal picture of her but when I did the image search the picture in the center is what came up and I just couldn't resist. My blog, my jokes.

Anastasia Myskina, Kylie Bax, Mina Suvari: What????? Even Anastasia seems to be rolling her eyes at the comparison.

Michael Jackson: BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! I guess the two of them go to the same eyebrow waxer. I can just imagine the conversation as each of them has their arches neatened. Michael breathily remarks how nice Bahrain is this time of year and Hillary reminisces over how the last time she was there she had to wear a flak jacket and dress like one of Michael's kids to avoid being shot by snipers.

Benita Ferrero-Waldner: I didn't know who she was but after exhaustive research taking about 15 seconds I discovered she ran for Federal President of Austria and lost. I can only hope Hillary mimics Ms. Waldner in this regard.

Marion Jones: Convenient self-serving story changes for each of them. Marion says...hhhmmmm, could be....

Diana Rigg: I'd die laughing to see Hillary wear go-go boots and a mini skirt like Emma Peel. Remember the flap over the centimeter of cleavage Hillary exposed a few months ago. This would cause rioting in the streets!

Jesse Jackson: I guess the resemblance comes from the bags under the eyes because it looks like Hillary keeps up with the upper lip waxes when she has her eyebrows done. I suppose it is exhausting for both of them to keep coming up with ways to pretend you actually care about the little guy and take credit for things they had nothing to do with.



Moving on to John McCain. This is the picture I wanted to use but the website kept rejecting it.







Kevin Costner: McCain is his long lost older Republican brother Dances With Elephants.

David Hasselhoff: Like The Hass, Sen. McCain's singing talents have gone unappreciated here in the US but I hear he's bigger in Europe.




Aaron Ciechanover, Bernard Pivot, Mortiz Leuenberger: A Nobel Prize winning scientist in a field I know absolutely nothing about, a French journalist, and a Swiss politician. I don't know enough about any of them to even make a decent joke. I'm disappointed (and far too lazy to do anything about it).

Mel Gibson: Well, I think McCain is a lethal weapon. Does that count?

Mark Wahlberg: If Hillary gets the Democratic nomination then I think for the first debate between her and McCain she should show up in her Emma Peel costume and McCain can stand there in nothing but Calvin Klein underwear like in the old Marky Mark days.

Barry Marshall: Whoever he is, this guy looks more like Alfred E, Neumann than John McCain. When asked about the ramifications of an indefinite US presence in Iraq and Afghanistan and the possibility of preemptive strikes in Iran McCain responded, "What, me worry?"

Mmmmm....Bake

* Image from Trinigourmet.com

It's recipe time again. First a little background. Bake is something I learned to make in Trinidad. Down there it is made with coconut milk and has bits of coconut meat in it. It gives it an interesting little twist and seems appropriate to the climate. Up here in the relatively frozen north coconut doesn't seem quite right at certain times of the year. Plus I learned the old fashioned way to milk a coconut, which is labor intensive. Let me tell ya those coconuts don't always take kindly to milking. You think I jest but just you try milking a coconut sometime and tell me if you don't wind up blessing the inventors of canned coconut milk at least for the sake of ease if not fresh taste. So ok, it boils down to this...I like food made from scratch but I have a basically lazy streak in me so I only make it with coconut milk for special occasions. The rest of the time I use water so it winds up being sort of like Irish Soda bread in a lot of ways.

It's way easy and my kids inhale the stuff. I have one child who loves soup as much as I do and two kids who think soup is a special brand of torture. Whenever I make one of the soups they find especially loathsome I make bake to go with it so they are at least willing to come to the table. Ok, onto the non-coconut milk Lime-twisted version of the recipe...


BAKE


4 cups of flour
Lots of baking powder (How much? I don't know..I think I put a couple of tablespoons in there anyway)
Big glob of shortening (How big? You know better than that by now don't you? Ok, Ok, I reckon about a palmful...half a cup-ish maybe)
1 1/4 -1 1/2 cups water


-Mix the flour and baking powder together then cut in the shortening. Now I know lots of you cut shortening in with those fancy little doohickeys that look like instruments of torture. I don't even have one of them. I just dig in there with my hand and rub all the shortening in that way.

-Add the water and knead until the dough is no longer sticky. That's the only reason I measure the flour and the water is so I am not constantly adding little bits of one or the other alternately to get the dough right. But it's forgiving so if the dough is too wet or too dry add more flour or water accordingly.

-Form the dough into a ball and cover in the bowl to let the dough relax for 20-30 minutes.

-Preheat oven to 425F.

-Grease a cookie sheet and gently pat out dough ball to a circle about 3/4 of an inch thick.

-Bake until it's golden brown. I never time these things. Sorry. Experiment with it.

-When the bake is fresh from the oven slice it in half and slather both sides with butter then sprinkle the bottom with cheese.-Replace the top and slice into wedges like a cake.


Now before you all run off to make this way easy recipe do me a favor and leave an opinion. For the first year and a half I did Trini Tuesday posts talking about Trinidadian culture and the time I lived on the island. Then I moved on to the cross country bike trip, Pennsylvania German culture, and lately it's been recipes. Basically, I want Tuesday to be about culture, food, or stuff I love, maybe storytelling. Of those sorts of ideas what are you folks interested in? I know I have some new people coming around. Should I rerun some of the best of the Trini Tuesday stuff (after maybe reworking or cleaning some of it up) or are the longtime readers sick to death of that? Are there questions, suggestions? I have some ideas percolating but I'm curious to know what the interest is out there. Thanks folks.