Isaac's knee is doing well.
Calypso has more energy every day and is capable of discharging her nanny duties.
Diana has a job interview, finally.
Mr. Lime's foot is healing, though he has now been ordered to get an MRI on his knee.
I've spent $400 MORE dollars to make Gracie the Lil Minivan That Could be able to go without dropping essential bits along the highway.
Before anyone else needs a nurse or my car breaks down again I am taking this opportunity to run away from home for a few days.
See you next week!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Overheard in the Office
When last we left one of my favorite patients he was struggling with staples poking him in the derriere. This week we have another chapter of "Overheard in the Office" starring Bob.
Bob sees one of our massage therapists who has developed a reputation as being directly descended from the Marquis de Sade. Even when working on muscle groups that are not generally considered painful to work deeply with she has been known to elicit pleas for mercy. When working on a muscle such as the Iliopsoas she earns every bit of the reputation that causes patients to tremble in fear. I've had her work on my Iliopsoas, or Psoas (SEW-az) for short (Almost makes it sound like a beloved pet with a cute little nickname, doesn't it? Do not be fooled!). I know well the pain she can inflict.
In order for you to appreciate this in some small way let me give you a brief anatomy lesson. This muscle attaches to the lower back at one end and the femur at the other. This means it goes from the back of the body to the front of the body. It is buried under a few other layers of unpronounceable muscles. In order to access it the massage therapist lays her fingers on top of your hipbone as you lay face up. She then slides her fingers down your hipbone toward your innards, actually slipping under some of your innards to finally reach the Iliopsoas. You should more or less imagine being slowly eviscerated with a spoon. This is before she ever touches a sore muscle. Once she hits that muscle, which she is only trying to access because it is already causing you pain, she is going to make it hurt even more. You are either going to want to punch her, let loose with a torrent of profanity, or both. Our pal Bob was heard to yelp then growl. Much like Inigo Montoya remarking on Westley's shrieks at the hands of the Six-fingered Man in The Princess Bride, I intoned to alarmed office dwellers, "This is the sound of ultimate suffering."
A little while later Bob was overheard telling the Six-fingered Massage Therapist, "I used to think you were a nice person." SFMT responded with a deranged chuckle and by countering she had learned something new about anatomy that day. I asked what that could possibly be. She informed me, "Well, Bob here demonstrated conclusively that the Psoas is connected to the middle finger." He smiled triumphantly as he proudly admitted flipping her off during thetorture massage. I told him he was my hero.
Bob sees one of our massage therapists who has developed a reputation as being directly descended from the Marquis de Sade. Even when working on muscle groups that are not generally considered painful to work deeply with she has been known to elicit pleas for mercy. When working on a muscle such as the Iliopsoas she earns every bit of the reputation that causes patients to tremble in fear. I've had her work on my Iliopsoas, or Psoas (SEW-az) for short (Almost makes it sound like a beloved pet with a cute little nickname, doesn't it? Do not be fooled!). I know well the pain she can inflict.
In order for you to appreciate this in some small way let me give you a brief anatomy lesson. This muscle attaches to the lower back at one end and the femur at the other. This means it goes from the back of the body to the front of the body. It is buried under a few other layers of unpronounceable muscles. In order to access it the massage therapist lays her fingers on top of your hipbone as you lay face up. She then slides her fingers down your hipbone toward your innards, actually slipping under some of your innards to finally reach the Iliopsoas. You should more or less imagine being slowly eviscerated with a spoon. This is before she ever touches a sore muscle. Once she hits that muscle, which she is only trying to access because it is already causing you pain, she is going to make it hurt even more. You are either going to want to punch her, let loose with a torrent of profanity, or both. Our pal Bob was heard to yelp then growl. Much like Inigo Montoya remarking on Westley's shrieks at the hands of the Six-fingered Man in The Princess Bride, I intoned to alarmed office dwellers, "This is the sound of ultimate suffering."A little while later Bob was overheard telling the Six-fingered Massage Therapist, "I used to think you were a nice person." SFMT responded with a deranged chuckle and by countering she had learned something new about anatomy that day. I asked what that could possibly be. She informed me, "Well, Bob here demonstrated conclusively that the Psoas is connected to the middle finger." He smiled triumphantly as he proudly admitted flipping her off during the
Monday, June 28, 2010
Anniegirl-->Scarlett-->Cooper-->Me
Cooper did this crazy meme where he got questions Scarlett wrote, who got questions Annie wrote. I'm answering the questions Cooper sent out into the blogosphere. Then I'll toss a few of my own out there.
1. You are granted one wish..be careful. It will be fulfilled literally. What’s the wish? What are the consequence?
I'm having a tough time deciding between wishing to be an Oscar Meyer wiener and wishing for world peace.
2. You have 15 minutes before the world explodes. How do you spend the time?
Setting up my lawn chair for the best view.
3. You have the power to remove one person, place or thing from the planet. What is it?
No joke in this answer. The oil spill in the Gulf.
4. Amy Winehouse, Brittany Spears, Courtney Love: you have to invite one to your 8 year old daughter's birthday party. Which one and why?
Boy, am I relieved my daughter isn't 8 so I don't have to deal with this.
5. Your 25 year old son announces he’s engaged to LaToya Jackson and her parents will be at your house in 20 minutes. Your reaction?
Again, good thing my son isn't 25.
6. You’re having an intimate dinner with Dick Cheney and Nancy Pelosi. How’s it going?
After years of unspoken sexual tension they simultaneously launch themselves at each other across the table. Marinara flies everywhere, which just fires Nancy up even more and she begins licking it off Dick as they roll around amidst the garlic knots and salad. Understandably, I have lost my appetite.
7. If you could surgically enhance one feature on the person of your choice, who is the person and what is the feature?
The ears of my children so they can never again say they didn't hear me.
8. Jeannie or Samantha? / House or Derek Shepherd? (pick whichever makes your pulse to the rhumba)
Actually I think it would be a scream to pair up Jeannie or Samantha with House.
9. Give three reasons why CoffeeMate should not be taken internally.
#1. It doesn't actually contain anything vaguely food related.
#2. I consider coffee to be evil bean juice and never take that internally so why would I take its mate?
#3. I don't want Coffee getting more action than I do.
10. Chocolate or chocolate. Which would you choose?
Both, of course!
And now for my questions. Let me know if you decide to post your answers and add you rown questions.
1. What is the best use for canned peas since they are unfit for human consumption?
2. How many BP execs does it take to plug an oil well?
3.Where did you hide your last victim?
4. What one junk food or vice do you want researchers to discover is actually good for you?
5. Would you rather crawl on a track of razor blades then swim in a vat of lemon juice or listen to the collected works of Yoko Ono continuously for 24 hours while snuggling with Marilyn Manson?
6. Daisy Duke or Ellie Mae Clampett / Luke Duke or Jethro (as applies to your gender preference)?
7. Who? What? When? Where? How? And most importantly, why?
8. I almost forgot...how much?
9. Dazzle me with some mad skillz I never knew you had.
10. What super power would you like to have and why?
1. You are granted one wish..be careful. It will be fulfilled literally. What’s the wish? What are the consequence?
I'm having a tough time deciding between wishing to be an Oscar Meyer wiener and wishing for world peace.
2. You have 15 minutes before the world explodes. How do you spend the time?
Setting up my lawn chair for the best view.
3. You have the power to remove one person, place or thing from the planet. What is it?
No joke in this answer. The oil spill in the Gulf.
4. Amy Winehouse, Brittany Spears, Courtney Love: you have to invite one to your 8 year old daughter's birthday party. Which one and why?
Boy, am I relieved my daughter isn't 8 so I don't have to deal with this.
5. Your 25 year old son announces he’s engaged to LaToya Jackson and her parents will be at your house in 20 minutes. Your reaction?
Again, good thing my son isn't 25.
6. You’re having an intimate dinner with Dick Cheney and Nancy Pelosi. How’s it going?
After years of unspoken sexual tension they simultaneously launch themselves at each other across the table. Marinara flies everywhere, which just fires Nancy up even more and she begins licking it off Dick as they roll around amidst the garlic knots and salad. Understandably, I have lost my appetite.
7. If you could surgically enhance one feature on the person of your choice, who is the person and what is the feature?
The ears of my children so they can never again say they didn't hear me.
8. Jeannie or Samantha? / House or Derek Shepherd? (pick whichever makes your pulse to the rhumba)
Actually I think it would be a scream to pair up Jeannie or Samantha with House.
9. Give three reasons why CoffeeMate should not be taken internally.
#1. It doesn't actually contain anything vaguely food related.
#2. I consider coffee to be evil bean juice and never take that internally so why would I take its mate?
#3. I don't want Coffee getting more action than I do.
10. Chocolate or chocolate. Which would you choose?
Both, of course!
And now for my questions. Let me know if you decide to post your answers and add you rown questions.
1. What is the best use for canned peas since they are unfit for human consumption?
2. How many BP execs does it take to plug an oil well?
3.Where did you hide your last victim?
4. What one junk food or vice do you want researchers to discover is actually good for you?
5. Would you rather crawl on a track of razor blades then swim in a vat of lemon juice or listen to the collected works of Yoko Ono continuously for 24 hours while snuggling with Marilyn Manson?
6. Daisy Duke or Ellie Mae Clampett / Luke Duke or Jethro (as applies to your gender preference)?
7. Who? What? When? Where? How? And most importantly, why?
8. I almost forgot...how much?
9. Dazzle me with some mad skillz I never knew you had.
10. What super power would you like to have and why?
Friday, June 25, 2010
Da Count-Da Kid
I came home the other night after an 11 hour day at work. I was hungry and tired. Tired was winning out over hungry but hungry kept grumbling at me. Calypso heard me struggling with inertia and said she'd make me dinner. I declined because she had worked her nanny job the same day. This week we let her start that job slowly to see how she reacts to the energy expenditure in the wake of having mono. She offered two more times and I declined again. Finally she declared she'd be making me something whether I asked her to or not so I'd better just cooperate and tell her what I wanted. I acquiesced to a simple salad. She served it with a flourish and announced she'd also gotten hired that day for another job at a local store. We've been concerned about adding that to her schedule as well, not wanting her to overwork herself. The good thing is the process required before starting at the store will take another couple of weeks so she will still have extra time to recover before taking that on.
After the salad and her news she asked if I'd take her out for frozen yogurt. How could I say no to a kid who is being so thoughtful and who had such good news to share?
After the salad and her news she asked if I'd take her out for frozen yogurt. How could I say no to a kid who is being so thoughtful and who had such good news to share?
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Slice of Lime-the Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nuthin but the Truth
And now...without further ado...I bring you the big reveal as to the truths and falsehoods in my list from Tuesday.
1. When I was 5 I threw myself out of a tree in an attempt to break my leg so I could have a cast like my best friend had. I was sorely disappointed to merely twist my ankle.
True, every word of it.
2. I slept on the porch of the governor's mansion on Mackinac Island, Michigan.
False. During the Pennsylvania to California bicycle trip I was on in 1987 the group of us asked to sleep on the porch of the governor's mansion on Mackinac, Island, Michigan. Our request was prompted by missing the last ferry back to the lower peninsula and having no money for lodgings with us. We were denied permission. Imagine that! Instead we slept on the floor of the Lions Club under a dusty, musty crushed velvet stage curtain. Yes, all of us were under the same gigantic curtain.
3. I have only mowed a lawn once in my life and it was only so I could have a place to sleep that night. I did the job poorly due to my inexperience and I am sure the folks thought I was just being sloppy and didn't care, but I really did try my best.
True, same trip, different state. This occurred in Oregon.
4. In college I was stopped by a photographer as I was leaving class one day. He ran over to me and begged me to pose for him simply because I didn't have bangs. I was a student back in the 80s when that scary mall hair fad was all the rage. You know the style, the one where girls teased and curled their bangs and used an entire can of Aquanet to make them stand up like a threatening claw. Well, I never succumbed to that and it served me well because the money I made posing for that guy put me through the rest of my time at college. If I'd been a slave to fashion I'd still be paying student loans.
Only partially true. I was stopped by a photographer and due to having long hair and no bangs. He was a fellow student though so no money was involved since it was just for a class assignment of his.
5. I'm a book burner who has encouraged others to join in this activity.
True. Here's where the "statistics" part of the title to my "lies" post comes in. I burned my college statistics text book at the end of the term rather than sell it back to the school store for 42 cents. I invited classmates to join me. No one opted to join me. I savored the experience alone.
6. I was part of a carload of gringos who drove in the Chapare region of Bolivia. The Chapare is one of the main producers of cocaine in the world. After passing through one of the open air markets where I was told cocaine is sold like flour we went swimming in a local river. I was more nervous about swimming in the river than by being conspicuously American in that part of the world. My reluctance was due to a misunderstanding about the level of pollution in the river. I thought the local guy we spoke to said it was highly contaminated due to the cocaine production. What I misunderstood was that he was speaking in the past tense but reassuring our local hosts the river was no longer in such bad shape but was now safe.
Every word of this is absolutely true.
7. I once shared a hot spring in Yellowstone National Park with Christie Brinkley.
Embellishment. Friends and I were in a hot spring in Yellowstone with a guy and his girlfriend. Someone remarked that he looked like he could be Christie Brinkley's brother. He laughed and said that's because he was. Who knows if it that was true or not?
8. On a trip to England I succeeded in getting a Beefeater at Buckingham Palace to crack up during the changing of the guard. Then I watched him get a right proper dressing down from a superior.
Complete fabrication. I've never been to England.
9. During the processional into the stadium for my high school graduation I wore a pair of those gigantically over sized sunglasses even though it was strictly forbidden. When I got caught I talked my way out of having to give them up then donned them again once the coast was clear. It was my way of expressing my displeasure over the stupidity of school administrators who felt the need to hold the ceremony in a much smaller venue than normal (thus limiting the number of guests who could attend) only so they could show it off because it was new. My mother and grandparents were mortified. My father beamed with pride.
True story.
10. I have a strange birthmark on my right butt cheek. Since I knew I was adopted I used to imagine, when I was little, that it marked me as the daughter of a princess who would find me after years of searching and I'd be able to prove I was royalty by mooning the king.
False, but I do have a birthmark on my...
11. The first time I got pulled over by a cop while I was driving I was 14 years old.
True. My 19 year old cousin was teaching me to drive in the parking lot of the local farmer's market late one night. I was lurching the car all over the place which drew the attention of a cop. He pulled us over and said he thought I was driving a stick shift because of the way the car was jumping around. It was an automatic. Oh yeah, when he asked how old I was I told him I was going to be 16 the next week. I saw my very brief life flash before my eyes as I imagined being hauled into jail and having them call my mother, who would assuredly end my life before I reached legal driving age. My terror was augmented by a cousin who got quite lippy with the cop because her mother was dating the chief of police at the time.
12. I was once offered $200 to eat calamari...one of the pieces that actually looks like a mini octopus. I.could.not.do.it. Just couldn't get that thing past my lips. Not for $200. Not for $2000. Yes, I just heard the collective gasp of all of you calamari lovers out there.
True. My dad put the cash on the table and handed me a fork with a vile invertebrate on it. He and Isaac LOVE calamari. I.just.can't.do.it.
13. I did lick ice cream off the kitchen floor once when I was pregnant though. Cravings, ya know? I dropped my hot fudge sundae on the floor. We had no more ice cream. I was desperate.
False. Listen, I may have licked Dorito crumbs out of my dad's briefcase when I was pregnant but even I have my limits and licking ice cream off the floor crosses them.
14. I was frisked and threatened by armed military in Caracas, Venezuela because I took a picture in the airport.
True. Sad, but true. Ain't no way I'm telling you what I did in the Oakland, CA airport that got me frisked though.
15. I once aspired to being a parametrician.
False. Have you been shopping in the Chapare region of Bolivia if you think this could ever be true????
1. When I was 5 I threw myself out of a tree in an attempt to break my leg so I could have a cast like my best friend had. I was sorely disappointed to merely twist my ankle.
True, every word of it.
2. I slept on the porch of the governor's mansion on Mackinac Island, Michigan.
False. During the Pennsylvania to California bicycle trip I was on in 1987 the group of us asked to sleep on the porch of the governor's mansion on Mackinac, Island, Michigan. Our request was prompted by missing the last ferry back to the lower peninsula and having no money for lodgings with us. We were denied permission. Imagine that! Instead we slept on the floor of the Lions Club under a dusty, musty crushed velvet stage curtain. Yes, all of us were under the same gigantic curtain.
3. I have only mowed a lawn once in my life and it was only so I could have a place to sleep that night. I did the job poorly due to my inexperience and I am sure the folks thought I was just being sloppy and didn't care, but I really did try my best.
True, same trip, different state. This occurred in Oregon.
4. In college I was stopped by a photographer as I was leaving class one day. He ran over to me and begged me to pose for him simply because I didn't have bangs. I was a student back in the 80s when that scary mall hair fad was all the rage. You know the style, the one where girls teased and curled their bangs and used an entire can of Aquanet to make them stand up like a threatening claw. Well, I never succumbed to that and it served me well because the money I made posing for that guy put me through the rest of my time at college. If I'd been a slave to fashion I'd still be paying student loans.
Only partially true. I was stopped by a photographer and due to having long hair and no bangs. He was a fellow student though so no money was involved since it was just for a class assignment of his.
5. I'm a book burner who has encouraged others to join in this activity.
True. Here's where the "statistics" part of the title to my "lies" post comes in. I burned my college statistics text book at the end of the term rather than sell it back to the school store for 42 cents. I invited classmates to join me. No one opted to join me. I savored the experience alone.
6. I was part of a carload of gringos who drove in the Chapare region of Bolivia. The Chapare is one of the main producers of cocaine in the world. After passing through one of the open air markets where I was told cocaine is sold like flour we went swimming in a local river. I was more nervous about swimming in the river than by being conspicuously American in that part of the world. My reluctance was due to a misunderstanding about the level of pollution in the river. I thought the local guy we spoke to said it was highly contaminated due to the cocaine production. What I misunderstood was that he was speaking in the past tense but reassuring our local hosts the river was no longer in such bad shape but was now safe.
Every word of this is absolutely true.
7. I once shared a hot spring in Yellowstone National Park with Christie Brinkley.
Embellishment. Friends and I were in a hot spring in Yellowstone with a guy and his girlfriend. Someone remarked that he looked like he could be Christie Brinkley's brother. He laughed and said that's because he was. Who knows if it that was true or not?
8. On a trip to England I succeeded in getting a Beefeater at Buckingham Palace to crack up during the changing of the guard. Then I watched him get a right proper dressing down from a superior.
Complete fabrication. I've never been to England.
9. During the processional into the stadium for my high school graduation I wore a pair of those gigantically over sized sunglasses even though it was strictly forbidden. When I got caught I talked my way out of having to give them up then donned them again once the coast was clear. It was my way of expressing my displeasure over the stupidity of school administrators who felt the need to hold the ceremony in a much smaller venue than normal (thus limiting the number of guests who could attend) only so they could show it off because it was new. My mother and grandparents were mortified. My father beamed with pride.
True story.
10. I have a strange birthmark on my right butt cheek. Since I knew I was adopted I used to imagine, when I was little, that it marked me as the daughter of a princess who would find me after years of searching and I'd be able to prove I was royalty by mooning the king.
False, but I do have a birthmark on my...
11. The first time I got pulled over by a cop while I was driving I was 14 years old.
True. My 19 year old cousin was teaching me to drive in the parking lot of the local farmer's market late one night. I was lurching the car all over the place which drew the attention of a cop. He pulled us over and said he thought I was driving a stick shift because of the way the car was jumping around. It was an automatic. Oh yeah, when he asked how old I was I told him I was going to be 16 the next week. I saw my very brief life flash before my eyes as I imagined being hauled into jail and having them call my mother, who would assuredly end my life before I reached legal driving age. My terror was augmented by a cousin who got quite lippy with the cop because her mother was dating the chief of police at the time.
12. I was once offered $200 to eat calamari...one of the pieces that actually looks like a mini octopus. I.could.not.do.it. Just couldn't get that thing past my lips. Not for $200. Not for $2000. Yes, I just heard the collective gasp of all of you calamari lovers out there.
True. My dad put the cash on the table and handed me a fork with a vile invertebrate on it. He and Isaac LOVE calamari. I.just.can't.do.it.
13. I did lick ice cream off the kitchen floor once when I was pregnant though. Cravings, ya know? I dropped my hot fudge sundae on the floor. We had no more ice cream. I was desperate.
False. Listen, I may have licked Dorito crumbs out of my dad's briefcase when I was pregnant but even I have my limits and licking ice cream off the floor crosses them.
14. I was frisked and threatened by armed military in Caracas, Venezuela because I took a picture in the airport.
True. Sad, but true. Ain't no way I'm telling you what I did in the Oakland, CA airport that got me frisked though.
15. I once aspired to being a parametrician.
False. Have you been shopping in the Chapare region of Bolivia if you think this could ever be true????
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Overheard at Work-Diana's Edition
This summer Diana is doing an internship at an agency which provides various services for the disabled. God forgive me, I find it somewhat amusing when she shares her tales of aggravation. Today did seem especially challenging though. As related by Diana in one long verbal stream:
I started the morning being told there was a staff meeting so I had 5 phones, a TTY and a video relay terminal for deaf clients that I had to answer. No one trained me on the TTY so when it rang I had to TRY to figure out how it worked. It's not just picking t up and answering it, no! It's pick it up and push 17 buttons to make it work. Then someone called on the video relay and I was trying to tell them I don't know enough sign language to be of assistance to them. Then the phones started ringing and I had a 45 minute call from a woman threatening to sue the agency because her dad was made to feel inferior by one of our staff members I don't even know! She took a breath after 45 minutes and I finally told her, "Lady, I'm just a 19 yr old college sophomore working for free here and it's my second day. I don't know all the specifics of the Americans with Disabilities Act. I don't even know who in this office you need to talk to besides everyone else is in a staff meeting right now." Then she asked me why I didn't tell her that in the first place....well, because she never took a breath, duh! When she asked when would be a better time to call I told her Monday or Thursday when I am not here! After her a deaf guy came in and I was talking to him for 5 minutes before he indicated he was deaf. At the very end of the day a very proficient blind lady came in and I spent 10 minutes explaining a form to her then asked if she understood and she said yes but she was blind. I almost cried and asked her why she let me do all that before telling me she was blind. Then the woman laughed and said because she could tell I was new and that's how she likes to break in the new people. She really knows the form and she can fill it in by herself, she only needed to know where the top line was but she was testing me!
Well, kiddo. I wish I could say it's all coasting from here but your journey has just begun.
Tomorrow I intend to reveal the truths and falsehoods in my stories from yesterday. If you haven't guessed yet please feel free to add your votes in the comments. I've been highly amused by some of the rationale or thoughts regarding my realities.
I started the morning being told there was a staff meeting so I had 5 phones, a TTY and a video relay terminal for deaf clients that I had to answer. No one trained me on the TTY so when it rang I had to TRY to figure out how it worked. It's not just picking t up and answering it, no! It's pick it up and push 17 buttons to make it work. Then someone called on the video relay and I was trying to tell them I don't know enough sign language to be of assistance to them. Then the phones started ringing and I had a 45 minute call from a woman threatening to sue the agency because her dad was made to feel inferior by one of our staff members I don't even know! She took a breath after 45 minutes and I finally told her, "Lady, I'm just a 19 yr old college sophomore working for free here and it's my second day. I don't know all the specifics of the Americans with Disabilities Act. I don't even know who in this office you need to talk to besides everyone else is in a staff meeting right now." Then she asked me why I didn't tell her that in the first place....well, because she never took a breath, duh! When she asked when would be a better time to call I told her Monday or Thursday when I am not here! After her a deaf guy came in and I was talking to him for 5 minutes before he indicated he was deaf. At the very end of the day a very proficient blind lady came in and I spent 10 minutes explaining a form to her then asked if she understood and she said yes but she was blind. I almost cried and asked her why she let me do all that before telling me she was blind. Then the woman laughed and said because she could tell I was new and that's how she likes to break in the new people. She really knows the form and she can fill it in by herself, she only needed to know where the top line was but she was testing me!
Well, kiddo. I wish I could say it's all coasting from here but your journey has just begun.
Tomorrow I intend to reveal the truths and falsehoods in my stories from yesterday. If you haven't guessed yet please feel free to add your votes in the comments. I've been highly amused by some of the rationale or thoughts regarding my realities.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics (and Maybe Some Truth)
I've seen Michelle H., Suldog, and Cricket each do this meme. While none of them has explicitly tagged me there have been hints that I might perhaps be able to cook up some interesting lies. Since not one of them has quite followed the same pattern so I'm off the hook for any kind of rules. I'll just be tossing out some statements, both outrageous and mundane. It's up to you to determine which ones, if any, are true. I'm anxious to see your guesses and will reveal if any, all, or none of the statements are true later in the week. No tags on this one but if you want to play fast and loose with the truth or unburden your soul with some wild confessions have at it...and and let me know so I can come see.
1. When I was 5 I threw myself out of a tree in an attempt to break my leg so I could have a cast like my best friend had. I was sorely disappointed to merely twist my ankle.
2. I slept on the porch of the governor's mansion on Mackinac Island, Michigan.
3. I have only mowed a lawn once in my life and it was only so I could have a place to sleep that night. I did the job poorly due to my inexperience and I am sure the folks thought I was just being sloppy and didn't care, but I really did try my best.
4. In college I was stopped by a photographer as I was leaving class one day. He ran over to me and begged me to pose for him simply because I didn't have bangs. I was a student back in the 80s when that scary mall hair fad was all the rage. You know the style, the one where girls teased and curled their bangs and used an entire can of Aquanet to make them stand up like a threatening claw. Well, I never succumbed to that and it served me well because the money I made posing for that guy put me through the rest of my time at college. If I'd been a slave to fashion I'd still be paying student loans.
5. I'm a book burner who has encouraged others to join in this activity.
6. I was part of a carload of gringos who drove in the Chapare region of Bolivia. The Chapare is one of the main producers of cocaine in the world. After passing through one of the open air markets where I was told cocaine is sold like flour we went swimming in a local river. I was more nervous about swimming in the river than by being conspicuously American in that part of the world. My reluctance was due to a misunderstanding about the level of pollution in the river. I thought the local guy we spoke to said it was highly contaminated due to the cocaine production. What I misunderstood was that he was speaking in the past tense but reassuring our local hosts the river was no longer in such bad shape but was now safe.
7. I once shared a hot spring in Yellowstone National Park with Christie Brinkley.
8. On a trip to England I succeeded in getting a Beefeater at Buckingham Palace to crack up during the changing of the guard. Then I watched him get a right proper dressing down from a superior.
9. During the processional into the stadium for my high school graduation I wore a pair of those gigantically over sized sunglasses even though it was strictly forbidden. When I got caught I talked my way out of having to give them up then donned them again once the coast was clear. It was my way of expressing my displeasure over the stupidity of school administrators who felt the need to hold the ceremony in a much smaller venue than normal (thus limiting the number of guests who could attend) only so they could show it off because it was new. My mother and grandparents were mortified. My father beamed with pride.
10. I have a strange birthmark on my right butt cheek. Since I knew I was adopted I used to imagine, when I was little, that it marked me as the daughter of a princess who would find me after years of searching and I'd be able to prove I was royalty by mooning the king.
11. The first time I got pulled over by a cop while I was driving I was 14 years old.
12. I was once offered $200 to eat calamari...one of the pieces that actually looks like a mini octopus. I.could.not.do.it. Just couldn't get that thing past my lips. Not for $200. Not for $2000. Yes, I just heard the collective gasp of all of you calamari lovers out there.
13. I did lick ice cream off the kitchen floor once when I was pregnant though. Cravings, ya know? I dropped my hot fudge sundae on the floor. We had no more ice cream. I was desperate.
14. I was frisked and threatened by armed military in Caracas, Venezuela because I took a picture in the airport.
15. I once aspired to being a parametrician.
1. When I was 5 I threw myself out of a tree in an attempt to break my leg so I could have a cast like my best friend had. I was sorely disappointed to merely twist my ankle.
2. I slept on the porch of the governor's mansion on Mackinac Island, Michigan.
3. I have only mowed a lawn once in my life and it was only so I could have a place to sleep that night. I did the job poorly due to my inexperience and I am sure the folks thought I was just being sloppy and didn't care, but I really did try my best.
4. In college I was stopped by a photographer as I was leaving class one day. He ran over to me and begged me to pose for him simply because I didn't have bangs. I was a student back in the 80s when that scary mall hair fad was all the rage. You know the style, the one where girls teased and curled their bangs and used an entire can of Aquanet to make them stand up like a threatening claw. Well, I never succumbed to that and it served me well because the money I made posing for that guy put me through the rest of my time at college. If I'd been a slave to fashion I'd still be paying student loans.
5. I'm a book burner who has encouraged others to join in this activity.
6. I was part of a carload of gringos who drove in the Chapare region of Bolivia. The Chapare is one of the main producers of cocaine in the world. After passing through one of the open air markets where I was told cocaine is sold like flour we went swimming in a local river. I was more nervous about swimming in the river than by being conspicuously American in that part of the world. My reluctance was due to a misunderstanding about the level of pollution in the river. I thought the local guy we spoke to said it was highly contaminated due to the cocaine production. What I misunderstood was that he was speaking in the past tense but reassuring our local hosts the river was no longer in such bad shape but was now safe.
7. I once shared a hot spring in Yellowstone National Park with Christie Brinkley.
8. On a trip to England I succeeded in getting a Beefeater at Buckingham Palace to crack up during the changing of the guard. Then I watched him get a right proper dressing down from a superior.
9. During the processional into the stadium for my high school graduation I wore a pair of those gigantically over sized sunglasses even though it was strictly forbidden. When I got caught I talked my way out of having to give them up then donned them again once the coast was clear. It was my way of expressing my displeasure over the stupidity of school administrators who felt the need to hold the ceremony in a much smaller venue than normal (thus limiting the number of guests who could attend) only so they could show it off because it was new. My mother and grandparents were mortified. My father beamed with pride.
10. I have a strange birthmark on my right butt cheek. Since I knew I was adopted I used to imagine, when I was little, that it marked me as the daughter of a princess who would find me after years of searching and I'd be able to prove I was royalty by mooning the king.
11. The first time I got pulled over by a cop while I was driving I was 14 years old.
12. I was once offered $200 to eat calamari...one of the pieces that actually looks like a mini octopus. I.could.not.do.it. Just couldn't get that thing past my lips. Not for $200. Not for $2000. Yes, I just heard the collective gasp of all of you calamari lovers out there.
13. I did lick ice cream off the kitchen floor once when I was pregnant though. Cravings, ya know? I dropped my hot fudge sundae on the floor. We had no more ice cream. I was desperate.
14. I was frisked and threatened by armed military in Caracas, Venezuela because I took a picture in the airport.
15. I once aspired to being a parametrician.
Monday, June 21, 2010
How Great
I hope all my male readers who are fathers or who have been a good influence on a child or young person enjoyed a nice Father's Day yesterday. Good dads are a treasure and I'm grateful for each of you who endeavor to be the kind of dad your kids need and for those who take the time to mentor children who are not their own.
Now for today's reflection on a man who helped guide me and the boy Mr. Lime and I are guiding to adulthood...
Fourteen year old Isaac and I are in my van, which died a few days ago. We thought it was something awful and expensive like the head gasket. Mercifully, it only required a major tune-up. Three hundred-fifty dollars is a big dent in the wallet but it was manageable. A new car or engine would not have been. It's also just two days after Calypso has been released from the hospital after an ER run because she had stopped eating and drinking with a particularly hideous case of mono. Isaac has his Ipod hooked up to portable speakers so we can both hear the music and this song has just started. He likes to rank many different things in his life. He tells me on his Christian Music List this is his #1. I smile. It's a good song. The chorus reminds me of the hymn my grandfather would have called his #1 (yes, that would have been his favored version).
I am fourteen and in church with Mom-mom and Pop-pop, standing between them as we share two hymnals between the three of us. I have not grown up going to church but I've been attending with my grandparents for a couple of years now. I am here of my own accord. Pop-pop drives 10 miles out of his way each Sunday to come get me so I can be in church. I often feel very ignorant of the things everyone else here seems to know. Sometimes I am too shy to ask questions for fear of being thought stupid. I have a great sense of my smallness in the world because of how I've grown up, because of my perceived ignorance, because of the grandeur of this architecture and the adornments of the sanctuary. But I do find sanctuary here between my grandparents. I do know there is a God out there who is immeasurably great and that He reached down toward me.
I ponder the words I am singing when Mom-mom whispers to me, "This is your grandfather's favorite." I think about the night sky and how vast it is, but God is vaster still. I think about being in the mountains with my other grandparents and how calming the walks in the woods are, how the stream cools my feet on a hot day, how Grampop calls the birds in to eat from his hands, how God made all of that. My thoughts turn back to Pop-pop and I think about how he is a man of the earth. He may be a diesel mechanic and an oil delivery man by trade but he's a farmer at heart. He knows how to read the sky and the weather. He knows how to coax the best vegetables and fruits from the large garden. He knows how to take care of the pigs and chickens with a minimum of fuss and he helps the local dairy farmers. He's not a demonstrative sort but I can tell he is happiest when he is turning soil with a hoe, sharing his bounty with those who need and appreciate it, or tending to the animals (even sharing a sandwich with the barn cats). I turn to look at Pop-pop. His eyes are closed as he sings with strength and conviction.
I am holding a hymnal with one hand as we continue to sing, Mom-mom on one side, Pop-pop on the other. I am grateful they help me get here each week and not just on Sunday. They come pick me up on Wednesdays so I can attend youth group too. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to go because the rule is parents have to help in some way for kids to be allowed to attend. I knew better than to even ask Dad. Mom said I could go as long as she didn't have to do anything. Mom-mom and Pop-pop asked the pastor if their service would be accepted on my behalf. They are only required to help one a month but they do a lot more. The whole youth group has dinner together at "family group" tables meaning we are assigned to sit with the same leaders and kids each week. My grandparents are not in the greatest health and could easily just be table parents but instead they work in the kitchen preparing meals for and cleaning up after over a hundred people. I'm singing the hymn and yes, I am thinking about the sacrifice God made but my mind also goes to the one my grandparents make for me. Out of the corner of my eye I see Pop-pop dabbing his eyes without shame as the final chorus swells. He straightens his back when we sing the Amen.
I hear Isaac singing his #1 song. I join him and think how this boy of mine who towers over me is becoming a man. I think of the man Pop-pop was and wonder what he'd think of his great grandson's #1. I wonder what he'd think of his great grandson. I'm sure he'd be pleased to know Isaac is a gentle person who likes to share things he enjoys with those around him. I know he'd be as glad as I am that Isaac would be happy to sit down and have a talk with an older man, that he looks at the world around him and finds amazing things, that he looks in awe at the greatness of God. I wonder what sorts of conversations Pop-pop and Isaac might have had. I wish my grandfather could have known and shared such things with my son. Isaac and I sing the final line. I realize my cheeks are damp but I smile knowing one day they'll have a chance to share in the presence of their great God. How great...
Now for today's reflection on a man who helped guide me and the boy Mr. Lime and I are guiding to adulthood...
The splendor of the King, clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice
All the earth rejoice
He wraps himself in Light, and darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice
Trembles at His voice
How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God
Let all the earth rejoice
All the earth rejoice
He wraps himself in Light, and darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice
Trembles at His voice
How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God
Fourteen year old Isaac and I are in my van, which died a few days ago. We thought it was something awful and expensive like the head gasket. Mercifully, it only required a major tune-up. Three hundred-fifty dollars is a big dent in the wallet but it was manageable. A new car or engine would not have been. It's also just two days after Calypso has been released from the hospital after an ER run because she had stopped eating and drinking with a particularly hideous case of mono. Isaac has his Ipod hooked up to portable speakers so we can both hear the music and this song has just started. He likes to rank many different things in his life. He tells me on his Christian Music List this is his #1. I smile. It's a good song. The chorus reminds me of the hymn my grandfather would have called his #1 (yes, that would have been his favored version).
Oh Lord my God, when I in awesome wonder
Consider all the worlds Thy hands have made
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power throughout the universe displayed
When through the woods and forest glades I wander
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees
When I look down from lofty mountain grandeur
And see the brook and feel the gentle breeze
Then sings my soul my Saviour God to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art?
Then sings my soul my Saviour God to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art?
Consider all the worlds Thy hands have made
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power throughout the universe displayed
When through the woods and forest glades I wander
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees
When I look down from lofty mountain grandeur
And see the brook and feel the gentle breeze
Then sings my soul my Saviour God to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art?
Then sings my soul my Saviour God to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art?
I am fourteen and in church with Mom-mom and Pop-pop, standing between them as we share two hymnals between the three of us. I have not grown up going to church but I've been attending with my grandparents for a couple of years now. I am here of my own accord. Pop-pop drives 10 miles out of his way each Sunday to come get me so I can be in church. I often feel very ignorant of the things everyone else here seems to know. Sometimes I am too shy to ask questions for fear of being thought stupid. I have a great sense of my smallness in the world because of how I've grown up, because of my perceived ignorance, because of the grandeur of this architecture and the adornments of the sanctuary. But I do find sanctuary here between my grandparents. I do know there is a God out there who is immeasurably great and that He reached down toward me.
I ponder the words I am singing when Mom-mom whispers to me, "This is your grandfather's favorite." I think about the night sky and how vast it is, but God is vaster still. I think about being in the mountains with my other grandparents and how calming the walks in the woods are, how the stream cools my feet on a hot day, how Grampop calls the birds in to eat from his hands, how God made all of that. My thoughts turn back to Pop-pop and I think about how he is a man of the earth. He may be a diesel mechanic and an oil delivery man by trade but he's a farmer at heart. He knows how to read the sky and the weather. He knows how to coax the best vegetables and fruits from the large garden. He knows how to take care of the pigs and chickens with a minimum of fuss and he helps the local dairy farmers. He's not a demonstrative sort but I can tell he is happiest when he is turning soil with a hoe, sharing his bounty with those who need and appreciate it, or tending to the animals (even sharing a sandwich with the barn cats). I turn to look at Pop-pop. His eyes are closed as he sings with strength and conviction.
Oh, and when I think that God, his Son not sparing
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in
That on that cross my burden gladly bearing
He bled and died to take away my sin
When Christ shall come with shout of Acclamation
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart?
Then I shall bow in humble adoration
And there proclaim my God how great Thou art?
Then sings my soul my Saviour God to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art?
Then sings my soul my Saviour God to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art?
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in
That on that cross my burden gladly bearing
He bled and died to take away my sin
When Christ shall come with shout of Acclamation
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart?
Then I shall bow in humble adoration
And there proclaim my God how great Thou art?
Then sings my soul my Saviour God to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art?
Then sings my soul my Saviour God to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art?
I am holding a hymnal with one hand as we continue to sing, Mom-mom on one side, Pop-pop on the other. I am grateful they help me get here each week and not just on Sunday. They come pick me up on Wednesdays so I can attend youth group too. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to go because the rule is parents have to help in some way for kids to be allowed to attend. I knew better than to even ask Dad. Mom said I could go as long as she didn't have to do anything. Mom-mom and Pop-pop asked the pastor if their service would be accepted on my behalf. They are only required to help one a month but they do a lot more. The whole youth group has dinner together at "family group" tables meaning we are assigned to sit with the same leaders and kids each week. My grandparents are not in the greatest health and could easily just be table parents but instead they work in the kitchen preparing meals for and cleaning up after over a hundred people. I'm singing the hymn and yes, I am thinking about the sacrifice God made but my mind also goes to the one my grandparents make for me. Out of the corner of my eye I see Pop-pop dabbing his eyes without shame as the final chorus swells. He straightens his back when we sing the Amen.
Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the end
Beginning and the end
The Godhead Three in One
Father Spirit Son
The Lion and the Lamb
The Lion and the Lamb
Name above all names
Worthy of all praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God
How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the end
Beginning and the end
The Godhead Three in One
Father Spirit Son
The Lion and the Lamb
The Lion and the Lamb
Name above all names
Worthy of all praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God
How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God
I hear Isaac singing his #1 song. I join him and think how this boy of mine who towers over me is becoming a man. I think of the man Pop-pop was and wonder what he'd think of his great grandson's #1. I wonder what he'd think of his great grandson. I'm sure he'd be pleased to know Isaac is a gentle person who likes to share things he enjoys with those around him. I know he'd be as glad as I am that Isaac would be happy to sit down and have a talk with an older man, that he looks at the world around him and finds amazing things, that he looks in awe at the greatness of God. I wonder what sorts of conversations Pop-pop and Isaac might have had. I wish my grandfather could have known and shared such things with my son. Isaac and I sing the final line. I realize my cheeks are damp but I smile knowing one day they'll have a chance to share in the presence of their great God. How great...
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Da Count-Da Update
Calypso did come home from the hospital on Tuesday. She's doing well but obviously needs to still take it very easy.
Mr. Lime's toe seems to be improving and no longer harboring infection.
Isaac had two gigantic syringes full of oogey knee jelly drained off him yesterday. Time will tell if this is all he needs to get his recovery back on track.
My car is back to working condition. It seems all it needed was a major tune-up. Though it was a hit to the checking account was at least affordable enough to be covered. A blown head gasket or replacement vehicle would not have been an expenditure we could have absorbed.
Other things worth counting in the whole insane week and a half at Chez Lime are:
Nurses at the hospital who were especially good to Calypso. The poor kid was in extreme misery and barely able to function at all. She's also terrified by needles. She had nurses who treated her with great skill and compassion and who had a good measure of good humor. The ER doctor and CT technician were fantastic too. The admitting doctor was kind of an absentee figure who missed some obvious details in giving orders (like ordering a continuation of the IV fluids started in the ER for a dehydrated patient...duh!), but the outstanding nurses kept things straight.
My mom came up on Monday and stayed through Thursday. She provided the alternate wheels until my van could be fixed. She kept an eye on Calyspo after she came home from the hospital when Mr. Lime and I had to get back to work. And she went on one of her famous "Grammy Scrubs." Let me tell you when your house has undergone a Grammy Scrub you know it. Don't even think about interfering with the process in any way. I knew the Scrub had commenced when I brought Calypso home and my mother was on her hands and knees scrubbing the baseboards in Calypso's room with Lysol. She later moved on to the Notorious Purging of the Bedrooms wherein she finished what I started in Calypso's room and forcibly prodded Isaac and Diana to go through all their worldly possessions ridding themselves of excess and properly ordering what remained. The woman is a cleansing/organizing dervish. I suspect she will be sleeping for the weekend....which is more or less what I hope to do.
Now, in the immortal words of Bartles and Jaymes, "Thank yew fer yor support."
Mr. Lime's toe seems to be improving and no longer harboring infection.
Isaac had two gigantic syringes full of oogey knee jelly drained off him yesterday. Time will tell if this is all he needs to get his recovery back on track.
My car is back to working condition. It seems all it needed was a major tune-up. Though it was a hit to the checking account was at least affordable enough to be covered. A blown head gasket or replacement vehicle would not have been an expenditure we could have absorbed.
Other things worth counting in the whole insane week and a half at Chez Lime are:
Nurses at the hospital who were especially good to Calypso. The poor kid was in extreme misery and barely able to function at all. She's also terrified by needles. She had nurses who treated her with great skill and compassion and who had a good measure of good humor. The ER doctor and CT technician were fantastic too. The admitting doctor was kind of an absentee figure who missed some obvious details in giving orders (like ordering a continuation of the IV fluids started in the ER for a dehydrated patient...duh!), but the outstanding nurses kept things straight.
My mom came up on Monday and stayed through Thursday. She provided the alternate wheels until my van could be fixed. She kept an eye on Calyspo after she came home from the hospital when Mr. Lime and I had to get back to work. And she went on one of her famous "Grammy Scrubs." Let me tell you when your house has undergone a Grammy Scrub you know it. Don't even think about interfering with the process in any way. I knew the Scrub had commenced when I brought Calypso home and my mother was on her hands and knees scrubbing the baseboards in Calypso's room with Lysol. She later moved on to the Notorious Purging of the Bedrooms wherein she finished what I started in Calypso's room and forcibly prodded Isaac and Diana to go through all their worldly possessions ridding themselves of excess and properly ordering what remained. The woman is a cleansing/organizing dervish. I suspect she will be sleeping for the weekend....which is more or less what I hope to do.
Now, in the immortal words of Bartles and Jaymes, "Thank yew fer yor support."
Monday, June 14, 2010
Seriously???
When I tried to return to the hospital earlier today my car wouldn't start. Mr. Lime came home so I could use his truck. He seems to think it's something minor, something small, something easily and inexpensively repaired...like a head gasket.
In more positive news, they expect to release Calypso Tuesday morning. She's drinking well and eating a little and generally looking much better though still totally wiped out. Mr. Lime's foot seems to be improving again too.
In more positive news, they expect to release Calypso Tuesday morning. She's drinking well and eating a little and generally looking much better though still totally wiped out. Mr. Lime's foot seems to be improving again too.
Posting Will Be Sporadic at Best
Calypso has had a hellacious few days with mono, which ultimately culminated in a trip to the ER when she could no longer take fluids by mouth and began complaining how hard it was to even breathe (after days of not eating anything solid). She was admitted and is improving. Estimated release is tomorrow.
I didn't want anyone thinking I fell out of a tree or crashed a car again. I'm fine but prayers, positive thoughts, and good mojo for my injured and infirm family (and my energy in caring for them all) are welcome. Mr. Lime's surgical site seems to be infected and Isaac is regressing with regard to his recovery from knee surgery (enough that the PT wants him to see the surgeon this week rather than next).
I didn't want anyone thinking I fell out of a tree or crashed a car again. I'm fine but prayers, positive thoughts, and good mojo for my injured and infirm family (and my energy in caring for them all) are welcome. Mr. Lime's surgical site seems to be infected and Isaac is regressing with regard to his recovery from knee surgery (enough that the PT wants him to see the surgeon this week rather than next).
Friday, June 11, 2010
Da Count-Friends with Know-how
It's a brief and basic thing to count but it's saving us big bucks. My car's suspension is shot. It needs new struts and shocks. Diana's laptop totally fizzled out. A friend is helping Mr. Lime learn how to change the struts and shocks right now. He doesn't want anything more for his efforts than dinner tonight. Pretty cheap deal I'd say.
There is a patient at my office who is a tech guru. I merely asked him to recommend a reputable place to take Diana's computer. He said they are all competent but it pisses him off how much they charge people so he'd look at it for free. Not only did he look at it, he fixed it, for free. He absolutely refused any kind of offer for compensation. He says he fixes friends' computers for free. I wouldn't have dared to assume I merited that favor since I only know him as a patient at the office.
Both of these guys have saved us all sorts of money by very gladly offering their expertise. I'm very grateful.
There is a patient at my office who is a tech guru. I merely asked him to recommend a reputable place to take Diana's computer. He said they are all competent but it pisses him off how much they charge people so he'd look at it for free. Not only did he look at it, he fixed it, for free. He absolutely refused any kind of offer for compensation. He says he fixes friends' computers for free. I wouldn't have dared to assume I merited that favor since I only know him as a patient at the office.
Both of these guys have saved us all sorts of money by very gladly offering their expertise. I'm very grateful.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Slice of Lime-Demotivational Edition
On Sunday G-man posted several demotivational pictures of himself. They made me laugh and I asked where the site was that allowed him to do that. He told me but then went one step further by sending me some more of his own handiwork in email. It cracked me up so I offer his efforts as this week's Slice of Lime.
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Overheard in the Office #2
Setting: Last hour of the business day. Office has only a couple other patients when one walks in.
Me: (cheerily) Hi, Bob! How are you tonight?
Bob: (slumping over the sign in sheet) Ya got about an hour?
Me: Sure, we're not busy. What's up?
Bob: I'm too freakin' tired to spend the hour telling you.
Me: S'alright. You're here to be taken care of. Take a deep breath then let's get you adjusted and have your therapies then you can finish up with the massage therapist and walk out of here feeling a little relaxed.
Bob: Sounds great. I'm gonna go use the restroom first.
(Bob exits to the restroom then returns to the desk a few minutes later.)
Bob: (Leaning over the desk) Ya got a stapler I can use?
Me: (Picking up the stapler and wielding it in a menacing fashion) Sure, whaddya need me to staple?
Bob: (Looking alarmed before leaning in to whisper) Uh, my pants...I just split them.
Me: Yikes! Ok, Bob, I'm gonna trust you to use this stapler in a responsible fashion and without my assistance.
Bob: I appreciate you not insisting on stapling anything so close to that part of me.
Me: Not a problem. I aim to please.
(Bob exits to the restroom again. He walks somewhat carefully [so as to avoid being poked in the behind by staples] to the desk a few minutes later to return the stapler with thanks.)
Later as Bob checks out at the end of his visit...
Me: Feeling more relaxed now?
Bob: (Walking a bit gingerly) Yep, but I'd feel even more relaxed if staples weren't poking my rump.
Me: (cheerily) Hi, Bob! How are you tonight?
Bob: (slumping over the sign in sheet) Ya got about an hour?
Me: Sure, we're not busy. What's up?
Bob: I'm too freakin' tired to spend the hour telling you.
Me: S'alright. You're here to be taken care of. Take a deep breath then let's get you adjusted and have your therapies then you can finish up with the massage therapist and walk out of here feeling a little relaxed.
Bob: Sounds great. I'm gonna go use the restroom first.
(Bob exits to the restroom then returns to the desk a few minutes later.)
Bob: (Leaning over the desk) Ya got a stapler I can use?
Me: (Picking up the stapler and wielding it in a menacing fashion) Sure, whaddya need me to staple?
Bob: (Looking alarmed before leaning in to whisper) Uh, my pants...I just split them.
Me: Yikes! Ok, Bob, I'm gonna trust you to use this stapler in a responsible fashion and without my assistance.
Bob: I appreciate you not insisting on stapling anything so close to that part of me.
Me: Not a problem. I aim to please.
(Bob exits to the restroom again. He walks somewhat carefully [so as to avoid being poked in the behind by staples] to the desk a few minutes later to return the stapler with thanks.)
Later as Bob checks out at the end of his visit...
Me: Feeling more relaxed now?
Bob: (Walking a bit gingerly) Yep, but I'd feel even more relaxed if staples weren't poking my rump.
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Everybody's Meme-ing for the Weekend
1. What is your typical weekend like?
I often start by overthrowing a small nation, proceed to inventing a new technology, then finish by curing some obscure disease. If things become stressful I unwind by memorizing a single volume of Encyclopedia Britannica.
2. Are you a party animal or a couch potato on the weekends?
I believe the correct term is Supreme Tuberous Commander of the Davenport Sector.
3. It wasn’t until 1940 that the two-day weekend became nationwide. I say it’s time for three-day weekend across the whole world! . Wouldn’t you love to work 4 days and off 3 all the time? Do you think this is a good idea?
I work for pay three days a week and spend 4 days a week away from that job so you could say I have a 4 day weekend. Then again, I am a mom so I am on call 24/7 so you could also say I never get a weekend.
4. Do you consider Sunday a traditional day of rest?
Of rest? The rest of what?
5. What are your around-the-house weekend chores?
Polishing the cat, jello stacking, laminating the used Kleenex, alphabetizing the recyclables, and recharging Mr. Lime's neckties
6. If you have a significant other in your life or are dating, what is your favorite indoor and outdoor activity?
What, I'm not allowed to have a favorite indoor and outdoor activity unless I have a significant other or I'm dating? Pfft. Then I am not going to tell you what my favorites are.
7. Where would go for a romantic weekend getaway?
Where would what go? Where would who go? This sentence's syntax is vaguely caveman-ish and I sure wouldn't go anywhere with a cavemen. He'd be too inclined to drag my by my hair, at which point I'd have to beat the hell out of him to make a getaway which would be anything but romantic.
8. Do you have any special weekend traditions, quirks or rituals?
Traditions: I get out my great grandmother's miniature spinning wheel so I can spin spider silk into multiply threads out of which I knit mystical armor for little people since spider silk has a greater tensile strength than steel. She was the armor master for an army of Lilliputians.
Quirks: I'm quirk-free. Everything about me is completely average, totally expected, and entirely conventional.
Rituals: Reciting the Cyrillic alphabet backwards while standing on my left foot, juggling rabid marmosets, and blowing snot bubbles in time to Stars and Stripes Forever.
9. What is your weekend blogging routine?
Listen, with all the things I mentioned in #1 and then in #8, where on Earth do you think I find the time to blog on weekends?
10. Tell us about your favorite weekend memories as a child?
You know how some families are Civil War re-enactors or they enjoy Renaissance Fairs or recreating other time periods? My family was big into the Spanish Inquisition. The big Torture Festivals were great times of family togetherness...or division as the case may be...ah the eviscerations, the rackings, the drawings and quarterings....good times, good times.
I often start by overthrowing a small nation, proceed to inventing a new technology, then finish by curing some obscure disease. If things become stressful I unwind by memorizing a single volume of Encyclopedia Britannica.
2. Are you a party animal or a couch potato on the weekends?
I believe the correct term is Supreme Tuberous Commander of the Davenport Sector.
3. It wasn’t until 1940 that the two-day weekend became nationwide. I say it’s time for three-day weekend across the whole world! . Wouldn’t you love to work 4 days and off 3 all the time? Do you think this is a good idea?
I work for pay three days a week and spend 4 days a week away from that job so you could say I have a 4 day weekend. Then again, I am a mom so I am on call 24/7 so you could also say I never get a weekend.
4. Do you consider Sunday a traditional day of rest?
Of rest? The rest of what?
5. What are your around-the-house weekend chores?
Polishing the cat, jello stacking, laminating the used Kleenex, alphabetizing the recyclables, and recharging Mr. Lime's neckties
6. If you have a significant other in your life or are dating, what is your favorite indoor and outdoor activity?
What, I'm not allowed to have a favorite indoor and outdoor activity unless I have a significant other or I'm dating? Pfft. Then I am not going to tell you what my favorites are.
7. Where would go for a romantic weekend getaway?
Where would what go? Where would who go? This sentence's syntax is vaguely caveman-ish and I sure wouldn't go anywhere with a cavemen. He'd be too inclined to drag my by my hair, at which point I'd have to beat the hell out of him to make a getaway which would be anything but romantic.
8. Do you have any special weekend traditions, quirks or rituals?
Traditions: I get out my great grandmother's miniature spinning wheel so I can spin spider silk into multiply threads out of which I knit mystical armor for little people since spider silk has a greater tensile strength than steel. She was the armor master for an army of Lilliputians.
Quirks: I'm quirk-free. Everything about me is completely average, totally expected, and entirely conventional.
Rituals: Reciting the Cyrillic alphabet backwards while standing on my left foot, juggling rabid marmosets, and blowing snot bubbles in time to Stars and Stripes Forever.
9. What is your weekend blogging routine?
Listen, with all the things I mentioned in #1 and then in #8, where on Earth do you think I find the time to blog on weekends?
10. Tell us about your favorite weekend memories as a child?
You know how some families are Civil War re-enactors or they enjoy Renaissance Fairs or recreating other time periods? My family was big into the Spanish Inquisition. The big Torture Festivals were great times of family togetherness...or division as the case may be...ah the eviscerations, the rackings, the drawings and quarterings....good times, good times.
Monday, June 07, 2010
Calypso
As Calypso's fourth birthday neared she was giddy with excitement. She quivered in anticipation of the party, the cake, the presents, the day, of attaining the grand old age of four. I thought certainly she'd spend at least a month or so basking in just BEING four, in being able to announce it to people who asked how old she was. I was wrong. The day after her birthday she asked, "Mommy, how many more days until I turn five?" If you've ever been on a road trip with a carload of kids determined to count back all the way from A Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall, multiply that by 3.65 to get the number of times I heard the above question. Then raise it to a power of 10 to get a rough estimate of the anticipatory tension filling my preschooler's heart with regard to her fifth birthday.
That year of her life I not only answered the daily question but I actively sought to cultivate in Calypso and appreciation of the NOW. While looking forward in excitement can be not only fun but a source of hope when it's most needed it should also be balanced with an awareness today's joy. I also feared my wee girl might get herself so worked up over what she expected to happen in the distant future (because really, when you're four a whole year is a quarter of your lifetime) that when it finally arrived it would be a big letdown. I didn't want this to be a pattern in her life which built a foundation for constant disappointment. I wanted her to celebrate the milestones she was achieving now without rushing past them like recently opened gifts discarded amidst the paper and bows to see what was the next new plaything to hold her attention for only a moment.
Please do not in any way regard it as a criticism of my second born but it has seemed to be a hardwired aspect of Calypso's personality not only to wait in expectation for the next great thing but to flit from activity to activity and from mood to mood. She is a butterfly socially. She is mercurial emotionally. I accept this is who she is. I'm not looking to disassemble and re-wire her into some preconceived idea of who she ought to be. I find the beauty of the way she is expressed in eyes that shine with delight which can in no way be contained and a smile that's like the sun. I see how her enthusiasm is a catalyst which motivates people who would have otherwise remained inert. I've just sought to build the awareness of what's in her path before she leaves it in her wake and to encourage enough perseverance to accept obstacles with grace as she navigates them effectively rather than immediately changing course.
It so happens that her birthday coincides roughly with the end of the school year so there is a certain amount of reflection/anticipation built into the season. Last week she texted me at work after the annual ceremony wherein the juniors of the school are bestowed the privilege of leading the school as the new seniors. The excitement of her announcement "I'm a SENIOR!!!!" was unmistakable even on my phone's tiny screen. I simply replied, "Congratulations! Make it your best year yet. :)" Just as her message carried immeasurable happiness, my response carried with it the weight of the history of her struggles and successes over the years, especially this one.
The middle child has also had a chance to blossom a bit this year since her sister's shadow has been cast at college. Mind you, Calypso has always had her own ideas. This is the child from a family of hunters who declared herself a vegetarian for two years because she didn't feel good about killing animals. This is the fashionista from a mother who loves tie dye and a father who defined the grunge look before it was called anything other than not caring. It's sometimes been hard for her to deal with people who can't handle individuality and it's been hard for her to choose to be an individual. Peer pressure has been especially hard for her in the past. She now seems to have developed a gentle contentment with herself regardless of whether or not the crowd approves.
You may recall how she began the year at one school she prepared for heavily, anticipated greatly, and finally entered enthusiastically. You may also recall she returned to her former school, at her own request, halfway through this school year. I've seen real growth in her. Since returning she has faced things that would have left her in a puddle of tears a year earlier. Since I changed jobs and work much later now I have seen her pick up slack at home without being asked. Now when she expresses anticipation for the future it involves making actual plans, not just expecting things to happen magically. She also seems to have started noticing things in the present she missed too easily before. There are still a lot of questions, still lessons to be learned, still maturity to be developed (for all of us, not just her), but what a long way she has come.
This week my girl turns seventeen. When she was four I couldn't imagine her being this old, not that I was in a rush for her to get here, mind you. There have been experiences with her that I've savored all along the way. There have been worries I've held in my heart. Right now I celebrate her birthday and her transition to being a high school senior...and I look forward to seeing what comes next for her.
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Why "Beat L.A.!" Is Noble-Lime's Reason
Suldog has a terrific post about why the above phrase has real meaning and demonstrates the class Boston Celtics fans are capable of exhibiting. I intend to add my own spin as to why I agree. If you are expecting some long-winded post on how I came to love basketball because my kid loves it, you can forget about it. This ain't gonna be that kinda post.
Suldog is a true lover of sport. He is a lifelong fan of all teams from Boston. That's fine. I wish him well. You already know my relationship to sports is one of somewhat grudging acceptance which occasionally tips over into actual enjoyment if my son is involved. (Oh and to further demonstrate my cred as a late in life baseball fan...Armando Galarraga was COMPLETELY robbed of making history last night by pitching the third perfect game in a single season [in a month no less] when the first base ump called the runner safe. Seriously, even this athletically declined, middle-aged, near-sighted, formerly baseball hating woman could see he was UNDENIABLY safe! But I digress...)
Anyway, Suldog explains how when the Celtics were being beaten by the Sixers in the semifinal one year the Boston fans began to chant, "Beat L.A.!" and actually urged on their great East Coast rivals to take down the West Coast team. My reasons have absolutely nothing to do with any great sports rivalry. It has everything to do with being scarred for life by a poster of Magic Johnson.
Mr. Lime and I met in college. We actually married when we were both still students. I was still an undergrad. Mr. Lime was a graduate student. As such, our decor was decidedly less sophisticated than you would find in Better Homes and Gardens. Heck it still is (remember the pink Disney TV in Manland?) but we have at least replaced the milk crate shelving with the finest warped and knotty pine off the reject pile at the local lumber yard. Thankfully, we've also replaced posters on the walls with family pictures.
*not the poster in question though this would be bad enough
The poster in question was a nearly life sized shot of Magic Johnson going for a layup. His feet were off the ground. His hands in position to dunk the ball with great authority. He had a deranged look in his eyes and his tongue hanging out of his mouth. It would actually be a great sort of poster for a sports themed den or Manland or some dark cave you'd never see. The problem was...
...it hung in our bedroom...
...on the wall at the foot of our bed.
*also not the poster in question but it's pretty bad and I still couldn't find the actual poster
Ladies and gentlemen of the blogosphere, imagine yourselves a young married couple retiring to the boudoir early for an evening of conjugal delights. Imagine the wife of said couple looking up at her husband during a moment of either tender affection or passionate rapture to find leering back at her...a nearly life sized Magic Johnson as described on the poster. Can you imagine the psycho-sexual trauma this could inflict upon her? Sure she could take the superior position or face away from the poster but she'd still be aware of the crazed player looking like he is ready to land on top of her and her husband.
Excuse me a moment...the tics are starting...I need to regain composure. Breathing deeply...envisioning Hugh Jackman drizzled with chocolate sauce...sighing....Ok, I think I can continue now.
*not covered in chocolate but still a mighty fine antidote
My friends, may I just say if there is going to be ANYTHING in the bedroom that could be referred to as a "magic johnson" it had better not be wearing a Lakers jersey.
With that I will add my voice to the chorus of, "Beat L.A.!"
Suldog is a true lover of sport. He is a lifelong fan of all teams from Boston. That's fine. I wish him well. You already know my relationship to sports is one of somewhat grudging acceptance which occasionally tips over into actual enjoyment if my son is involved. (Oh and to further demonstrate my cred as a late in life baseball fan...Armando Galarraga was COMPLETELY robbed of making history last night by pitching the third perfect game in a single season [in a month no less] when the first base ump called the runner safe. Seriously, even this athletically declined, middle-aged, near-sighted, formerly baseball hating woman could see he was UNDENIABLY safe! But I digress...)
Anyway, Suldog explains how when the Celtics were being beaten by the Sixers in the semifinal one year the Boston fans began to chant, "Beat L.A.!" and actually urged on their great East Coast rivals to take down the West Coast team. My reasons have absolutely nothing to do with any great sports rivalry. It has everything to do with being scarred for life by a poster of Magic Johnson.
Mr. Lime and I met in college. We actually married when we were both still students. I was still an undergrad. Mr. Lime was a graduate student. As such, our decor was decidedly less sophisticated than you would find in Better Homes and Gardens. Heck it still is (remember the pink Disney TV in Manland?) but we have at least replaced the milk crate shelving with the finest warped and knotty pine off the reject pile at the local lumber yard. Thankfully, we've also replaced posters on the walls with family pictures.
*not the poster in question though this would be bad enoughThe poster in question was a nearly life sized shot of Magic Johnson going for a layup. His feet were off the ground. His hands in position to dunk the ball with great authority. He had a deranged look in his eyes and his tongue hanging out of his mouth. It would actually be a great sort of poster for a sports themed den or Manland or some dark cave you'd never see. The problem was...
...it hung in our bedroom...
...on the wall at the foot of our bed.
*also not the poster in question but it's pretty bad and I still couldn't find the actual poster
Excuse me a moment...the tics are starting...I need to regain composure. Breathing deeply...envisioning Hugh Jackman drizzled with chocolate sauce...sighing....Ok, I think I can continue now.
*not covered in chocolate but still a mighty fine antidoteMy friends, may I just say if there is going to be ANYTHING in the bedroom that could be referred to as a "magic johnson" it had better not be wearing a Lakers jersey.
With that I will add my voice to the chorus of, "Beat L.A.!"
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Our Trini Ride
This past week as I was bumping and crashing through the heavily potholed and poorly patched local streets and as I was trying to mop up the leaks INSIDE my poor minivan Gracie I remarked that each day I felt more and more like I was driving in Trinidad with its awful roads and my poor jalopy of a car from down there. I decided to update a very old post on our set of wheels in Trinidad.
I'm a little hunk of tin
No one knows what shape I'm in
Honk, honk, rattle, crash, bang, beep, beep!
Honk, honk, rattle, crash, bang, beep, beep!
Ain't she a beaut? We got her a few months after we arrived. She was an ancient Toyota Corolla. Trinis tended to favor Japanese cars. There were a few VWs around too. Very rarely would you find an American car. I'm not entirely sure why, nor am I certain if it is still the case but cars were outrageously expensive to purchase, even used ones, even jalopies like ours. Once you owned one, a trip to the mechanic was not as overpriced as it is in the US. That was the bargain. The trick was being able to buy a car in the first place.
Our little heap up there was quite the piece of work. You can see the stylish two-tone color scheme. Let me tell you more. She had no AC, so she did not provide a cool ride. She leaked like a sieve. In the rainy season it was wise to wear a slicker while riding in her, or else carry an open umbrella. Her speedometer didn't work, but that was ok. You could judge your speed by watching how fast the yellow lines whizzed by through the holes in the floor. She had no suspension. She spent a LOT of time in the shop. Let me tell you, this car was literally such a hunk of junk that when we were robbed (a WHOLE other post) and the gunmen had the keys to it in their hands, they gave them back after they saw the car. Our friends on the island used to love to tease us about how bad our car was too because they had never met Americans willing to drive such a dilapidated vehicle.
Now, I do not want you to think I am complaining about our little car. Nuh man! Doh get vex wit meh! She was a heap but she was our heap. And she (usually) got us and a whole lot of other people where we needed to be. We worked in a squatter village. We didn't necessarily plan on buying such a jalopy but it worked out well. We could park it in a crime ridden area and be pretty confident no one would interfere with it. When we drove to the village we were going over some roads that contained potholes big enough to darn near swallow our little hunk of tin. We certainly didn't need to worry about her good looks being marred by travelling such paths. She was also mechanically uncomplicated (no computers and nonsense). Just pop the bonnet and you only had the basics. Mr. Lime could work on her himself, not like the cars we have now that have to be hooked up to a life support system for the trained mechanics to even tell you what is wrong before you take out a second mortgage to pay for repairs. Heck, I looked under her bonnet and thought, "Gees, this looks like I could even figure stuff out." Of course, there was also the sheer entertainment value our friends got out of watching us deal with this car. If you can take some picong (friendly but very pointed ribbing) you gain respect and acceptance. This barely functioning Toyota provided LOTS of opportunities for demonstrating we didn't take ourselves too seriously.
Back when we lived in Trinidad there were no seat belt laws so we could cram our little buggy full of however many kids wanted to climb in and get them all to school. The schools there do not provide transportation so if you don't have a car you pay to go on maxi taxis or in private taxis. The people we worked with were among the poorest on the island and several families had to choose between eating and paying taxi fare. If cramming 10 kids in our car helped ease some of that we were glad to do it.
So there she is, our Trini ride, in all her hard working glory.
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Just in Case my Nerdiness in in Question...
...this post should remove any doubt.
First, a comic from xkcd.com. I like Venn diagrams. Heck, I know that this thing is called a Venn diagram. Other evidence of my nerdiness: I self classify as a nerd in the intersection (See definition #5 and yes, I know I am violating nerd conduct by referencing urban dictionary rather than the OED. That this concerns me is further evidence of nerdiness.).
Next, I love this video by a bunch of librarians satirizing Lady Gaga's Poker Face. I alternate between laughing and feeling a tingle of organizational delight over the verse mentioning Boolean search parameters.
Finally, I actually took this quiz because I really wanted to know. I happened to find the results both amusing and accurate.
First, a comic from xkcd.com. I like Venn diagrams. Heck, I know that this thing is called a Venn diagram. Other evidence of my nerdiness: I self classify as a nerd in the intersection (See definition #5 and yes, I know I am violating nerd conduct by referencing urban dictionary rather than the OED. That this concerns me is further evidence of nerdiness.).
Next, I love this video by a bunch of librarians satirizing Lady Gaga's Poker Face. I alternate between laughing and feeling a tingle of organizational delight over the verse mentioning Boolean search parameters.
Finally, I actually took this quiz because I really wanted to know. I happened to find the results both amusing and accurate.
You Are a Question Mark |
 You seek knowledge and insight in every form possible. You love learning. And while you know a lot, you don't act like a know it all. You're open to learning you're wrong. You ask a lot of questions, collect a lot of data, and always dig deep to find out more. You're naturally curious and inquisitive. You jump to ask a question when the opportunity arises. Your friends see you as interesting, insightful, and thought provoking. (But they're not always up for the intense inquisitions that you love!) You excel in: Higher education You get along best with: The Comma |
What Punctuation Mark Are You?
To further intensify your fears I have procreated and 2 of my nerd spawn voluntarily categorized and labeled the DVD/video collection AND developed a sign out sheet for tracking when one has been borrowed or loaned out. Excuse me, I need to wipe my tears of pride.
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