72 Days

If you know anything about me you know I don't give a fat rat's ass about celebrity news, unless, of course, it has to do with the ever-delectable Hugh Jackman.  When it comes to celebrity I tend to think people ought to at least have some actual talent as a performer, artist of some sort, athlete.  Better yet they ought to have contributed something of lasting value to humankind like a Nobel Laureate has.

The Kardashians meet none of my criteria.  For that reason they only barely register on my radar as even existing.  Even though I try to avoid all mention of people like them unless I loved under a rock it would have been hard to miss the hooplah surrounding the recent nuptials and now impending divorce after all of 72 days.  Mind-boggling.  I won't go on an extended rant about how this nonsense grabs headlines over what's going on in Libya, or Iraq, or Afghanistan, though if it distracts from some of the ridiculous circus that is the jockeying for position among Republicans I guess that is something.  Really, some of those people could compete with the Kardashians for lack of substance....but I digress.

Seventy-two whopping days.  Are you kidding me?  I'd joke about having socks older than that but 72 day old socks are still pretty much new in my book. 

Seventy-two days?  It takes longer than that to go from planting a seed to plucking a ripe and juicy tomato from the vine.  Kim may be quite a lil tomato but in 72 days she ain't even a ripe one yet. 

The life span of bed bug can be far longer than 72 days. So had the young couple honeymooned at a less than well-kept hotel that bloodsucking creature Kris whatshisface may have shared a bed with could still plague him even after the divorce...so could the bed bugs, for that matter. 

In 72 days in 1972 the Uruguayan rugby team that crashed in the Andes went from healthy athletes to cannibals.  Looks like it only took 72 days for these two nitwits to eat each other alive too.

Other things lasting longer than this marriage:

• The smell in the fridge when we moved into this house and found a piece of fermented bologna in the back of one of the shelves
• The fresh breath from a curiously strong Altoids mint
• The bad breath from the garlic knots at my favorite Italian place (not even Altoids can neutralize it)
• The span of time Mr. Lime went as a college freshman without changing his bedsheets
• The resulting ringworm infection
• New car smell
• The span of time I've gone without dusting the house 
• The number of days I could not bend over and tie my own shoes during the end of pregnancy with Isaac (What?  I'm only 5'4" and he was 9.5 lbs!)
• Iron Butterfly's Inna Gadda Da Vida seems like it lasts longer

 Your turn.   What do you think has lasted longer?

It's the Great Candy Shakedown, Charlie Brown

I first posted this back in 2005.  Since only about 3 of you were reading me back then I think it's a safe rerun.

Ok, now forgive me as I strap on my old lady gear. I'm in my rocking chair on the front porch, flowered dress, apron, stockings rolled down around my ankles, gray hair in bun, bowl of candy in my lap, wagging my bony finger at the young 'uns coming across my porch for Halloween treats. Back in my day, when we went trick or treating, or "spookin'" (rhymes with book) as they call it where I grew up, we only went to the houses of people we knew. We ALWAYS said 'trick or treat.' People had to guess who we were under our costumes and we had to perform a trick (sing a song, tell a joke, do something funny or clever) before we got to have sweets and goodies dropped into our bags. Sometimes we were invited in for hot cocoa or popcorn balls. We also made our own costumes and said "thank you."

Flash forward to 1994 when I moved to this area. A neighbor warned me in September that I had better start stocking up on candy now. I asked why and was told our neighborhood was the most popular one in the county for trick or treating. Then she told me she spent over $50 a year on Halloween candy to pass out. I thought she was out of her mind. I bought maybe 6 bags of candy, thinking this would prepare me for heavy traffic. I was blissfully unaware of the madness that would ensue.

The first sign of trouble was when I noticed the entire block out decorating all day. I don't mean just putting a few carved pumpkins on porches or hanging skeleton pictures on front doors. I mean elaborate displays. Graveyards sprang up in front yards. Zombies, corpses, skeletons, witches, and various other monsters came out en masse. Landscaping changed dramatically as spiderwebs, severed body parts, and dry ice machines created eerie scenes. Spooky music filled the air. People actually took the day off work to set up!

We ate dinner, got the kids costumed and the doorbell rang. It was a bunch of kids I did not know who stuck their hands out expectantly. "Ok, Happy Halloween." I said with a smile as I dumped a few goodies into their bags. No "thank yous" as they dashed to the neighbor's house.

My kids were pretty small and a little freaked out by some of the more gruesome decorations in the area so Daddy the Protector walked them around the neighborhood while I stayed at the house to hand out candy. The next sign of trouble was when I had a line 20 deep waiting for candy. Crimony! I was new to the neighborhood, I didn't KNOW 20 kids that lived there. Why were parents letting their kids come to me? I could be an axe murderer or have laced the candy with drugs for all they knew!

Our house was a duplex. The guy who lived in the other half looked at my pathetic store of candy and asked if I had more inside the house. I told him no and he shook his head laughing. NOW, I understood. I had been handing out candy for 15 minutes and had about 12 pieces of my 6 bags left and now had a line that was 30 kids deep. When I plopped the last candy bar into a kid's bag and let the rest know I was cleaned out I thought there was going to be a riot! It was like a bunch of refugees pressing a UN truck carrying water and rice. The neighbor asked me to help pass out his candy since I had been wiped out. For the next two hours I sat as an endless stream of costumed kids paraded across our porch like a conveyor belt of items in a factory line. I was astounded.

Apparently every rural kid in the county gets dropped off in that neighborhood. There were easily 1000 kids running through there. I caught on and the next year started stocking up on candy in September. I also figured out, all on my own, what every one else in the neighborhood does too. We buy dum-dum, smarties and other cheap stuff for the hordes of kids we don't know and save the candy bars and good stuff for the kids who live in the neighborhood.

We lived in that neighborhood for 10 years and moved to an outlying area 8 years ago. This neighborhood considers it busy if 6 kids knock on the door.  Tonight I'll be at work but the two neighbor kids will stop and be allowed to take fistfuls from our candy bowl which will later be demolished by those in this house.  Of course, since nature gave us an early trick of 8 inches of snow over the weekend I hope all the little ghosts and goblins have costumes that fit over snowsuits.

Dear Patients

Just to make clear, I do like my job and the overwhelming majority of patients are pleasant and easy.  There are always a few though who make life...erm...interesting.   Time to express some of the things I'd like to say but might get me fired if I did.


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Dear Mrs. A,

I understand you are in pain.  I understand you desperately want it to be relieved. I know.  I can see it in your face and in the way you walk.  I am completely sympathetic.  I've been in that kind of pain.  It's miserable. That said, being a demanding pain in the butt is not going to make your actual pain in the butt feel any better any sooner and it's not going to increase my sympathy for you.  Bitching at me because we aren't open when you want to come is not going to cause us to change our hours.  Ranting because I can't schedule your exam during the hour when there are two other exams already scheduled isn't going to change the situation either.  Shocking as it may seem, we have other patients who are in pain too and they also require care.  Amazingly, most of them seem to manage to maintain some respect for folks around them in spite of their pain.

Pained to say it,
She Who Controls the Schedule


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Dear Mr. B,

You seemed like a jovial sort when you began coming to our office a couple weeks ago.  We always like the patients who display a sense of humor.  We especially appreciate the ones who do so with a sense of decorum.  You quickly devolved from a fun and jokey fellow to a complete creep.   Did you know there is a particular chiropractic adjustment for the tailbone during which the practitioner has to insert his finger into the patients rectum in order to reposition the coccyx?  Should you EVER make a crude joke about me being Greek and the sexual preferences you assume I have as a result of my ethnicity I will ask the doctor to demonstrate that procedure....while wearing a glove made of coarse grit sandpaper.

Disgustedly,
A Greek Bearing a Special Gift Just for You



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Mr. C.,

Your wife came to us in pain last week.  She was pleasant and appreciative of the care she received and noted early improvement with amazement.  There was some confusion about the coverage your insurance provided.  After re-verifying it was determined that you had a little less than you expected but still decent coverage over all.  I realize times are tough economically.  I know what it is to live on one income when you're raising a family.  Nonetheless, it pissed me off that YOU called to cancel YOUR WIFE'S appointment telling me rather harshly, "She stays at home with our 4 kids and I'm the only one working and that's too much money to spend."  Do.not.start.with.me.  If she has four kids to take care of she is working.  If she is in pain then you spend some money to make her well.  If you're not willing to invest in your wife's welfare I sure hope you pay for some birth control so she doesn't have more kids to take care of while you let her fall apart.  If she opts not to avail herself of care that's one thing.  If you unapologetically decide for her that she's not worth it that's altogether different.  Not cool.

Liberatedly,
One Who Would Cut You Off In a Heartbeat


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Mr D.,

You never actually came to the office.  You only got as far as the first phone call.  No, I can't schedule your first visit for the first hour of the day.  As I explained, the doctor starts exams in the second hour in order to get through the initial rush of established patients.  It's also in your best interest so he can devote the time necessary to you during your exam in order to give you the best possible care.  No, we will not schedule you an hour before our regular hours. Do you approach everyone in your life as they should bend completely to your will and convenience?  Good luck with that.

Glad you decided not to schedule,
Making Friends and Influencing People


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Dear Mr. E.,

I like you, really, I do.  You're smart and have a good sense of humor.  You're personable and pleasant.  Recently you showed a side of yourself that was quite a surprise to me and really pushed my buttons.  You came in ranting about those damn poor people and how they just need to go get a job rather than asking for help.  In case you haven't read any newspapers or seen or heard reports on TV or the radio or the Internet unemployment is pretty high.  There are a lot of people who would like to work but there aren't jobs for them.  There are others cobbling together multiple part time jobs with no benefits to make ends meet and praying they or their kids don't get sick so they have to miss work AND pay doctor bills while taking a hit to the paycheck.  I managed to keep my mouth shut as you ranted about your taxes going to pay for people not working.

When you started in on how the fraction of a percent library tax grinds your gears because people should pay to use the library I couldn't stand it anymore.  Do you have any concept what a library is for?  Apparently not.  Let me remind you a well-informed populace is the cornerstone of a democracy.  Insuring that everyone, regardless of personal resources, has access to information makes sure that everyone has the ability to be well-informed and make educated decisions.  Granted lots of people choose to remain ignorant, case in point right before me, but it should not be for lack of opportunity due to lack of resources.  Remember those poor unemployed people you were griping about?  Lots of them use the library to try to find jobs because it offers free internet access for finding job listings and submit online applications, which is increasingly required by many hiring employers.  Remember the non-English speaking immigrants you were bitching about?  Yeah, the library also offers space for English as a second language classes so they can learn to speak what you think should be the only language ever spoken on American soil.  I suggest you go visit the library and inform yourself about its role in the community and the services it offers before you open your mouth again.

Oh, and explain to me again why you are on disability.  You're still able to walk around and converse.  Why don't you go get a job and stop expecting me to contribute to your well-being with my taxes.

Intelligently,
Librarian Wannabe


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Mr F. and Miss G.,

I'm saving the best for last because I want to end on a happy note.  Nonetheless, I could get in trouble for this.  The two of you don't know each other but you should.  You each make me smile so much with your good cheer, senses of humor, and great outlooks on life.  That must be part of how you each got to be in your 80s and still going strong.  I've never been one to play matchmaker because I think people are better off making their own choices in that regard but the two of you would be so great together.  Mr. F.  I know you are glad to live with your son but I know he gets on your nerves because he is afraid of your zest for life. You just want to stay active so you don't get rusty and musty.  Miss G. is zesty too and you'll find approval from her as well as a partner in crime.  Miss G.  You're a dear, dear lady who never has an unkind word for anyone.  I know you're just a little bit little lonely sometimes though and I think Mr. F. would be a great companion for you.  He could keep up with your energy and spunk.  I'm sending the two of you to an adventure camp.  Have a great time!

Mischievously,
Yenta

P.S. Send me a postcard.

Where We Speak of Zoo Animal Wall Paper and Boys Baking

When you're 16 years old and nearly 6'2" in height there is a certain indignity in going to the pediatrician.  Having one's heart and lungs listened to by a person with Poo Bear on her scrubs and a plush toy clinging to her stethoscope seems a bit ridiculous.  It was all too much for my wheezing, gasping son.  God forgive me, this was too hilarious a sight to miss with my camera phone.  He swore he was comfortable but I find it hard to believe.

Once proper airflow was well on the way to being restored he perked up enough to start playing this nebulizer mouthpiece as a kazoo, which led to a game of "Name that Tune."  He stumped me on this one. I took a video of him jamming out on the breathing tube but my phone won't let me send it anywhere. Then he started doing other things with the mouthpiece that we just won't even mention here. Just trust me.  It was funny.  Aside from preferring the boy a nice healthy pink color as opposed to blue, I like how his brain works when it's receiving oxygen.

I returned him home for the remainder of a sick day and went into work late.  I came home to a warm-from-the-oven plate of melty, gooey goodness produced by Isaac.  If this is what happens when he is deprived of football practice I think he needs to quit the team and sign up for a pastry class.  Oh yes I do!

Oh, Canada

We only got to Canada for one day.  We are already making plans for my return trip to Seattle and more time spent in Canada since we didn't get to see nearly as much as we wanted.  What we did get to see was pretty cool though.  I like learning about the history of a place so we went to Ft. Langley, which is the oldest settlement in British Columbia.  That white building there is the storehouse and the oldest structure in the province.




One of the things that surprised me was how many items on display were just out in the open and allowed to be handled by visitors at will.  Since Ft. Langley was settled as part of the fur trade there were piles and piles of pelts in the storehouse along with other things.  I had a lovely chat with a lady in period costume who interpreted the fort to us.  As someone who does that at a local historical site, I enjoyed comparing notes with her on East Coast vs. West Coast and U.S. vs. Canada across a number of aspects. 









Beaver hats were all the rage in Europe at the time of Ft. Langley's settling.  They had one I could model.  I think I looked more like the female version of Slash than a settler.  Vague resemblances to rock stars aside, I really liked how accessible the place was in the way it presented itself.  We had a bit of a chuckle over the introductory movie that gave an overview to the place.  It was not a typical snooze inducing documentary (this coming from someone who likes documentaries). It was kind of cheesy in an endearing sort of way but it was also engaging and I could see folks retaining the facts it presented more readily.  So hats off to the folks of B.C. for making history fun and for the relaxed approach.  Here on the East Coast there's a level of formality to the presentation of history that is sometimes off-putting, though I hasten to add I do understand why the National Archives doesn't want some dude with greasy fingers from his super-sized meal fingering up the US Constitution.

Since the demand for beaver hats tanked not long after the founding of Ft. Langley and the winters there are mild enough that the furs produced are not high quality they turned to timber, cedar especially.  Ah, trees make me happy.  The feathery greens were so pretty.













We thought we'd have more time to explore a bit of B.C. but it got late so we headed back to the U.S.  Getting into Canada was a little interesting since Thing Two was with us and the Canadian border patrol was afraid Logo was kidnapping her own son.  The Canadian authorities were at least pleasant about the process.  One guy was downright apologetic for the trouble.  Returning to the U.S., we were greeted by a seriously surly American border guard.  Really, dude, a couple of middle-aged women and a 12 year old boy in a minivan strike you as a threat? This picture and the next one were taken at the Peach Arch Monument.  This one is from the Canadian side. Thing Two and I dashed off to take a quick looksee while Logo circled the parking lot avoiding the $10 parking fee on the American side.

Now this is the part of the post where you all pat me on the back and commend me for not getting myself hauled off and strip searched.  Logo and I presented out ID and were asked where we were from respectively.  We answered and then the guard wanted to know how we knew each other.  Now all of you understand online friendships can be normal.  Stern border guards have a narrower understanding of life in general so Logo and I looked at each other wondering how exactly to explain this.  Meanwhile in the backseat, Thing Two offered, "The Internet!"  Aforementioned U.S. border guard immediately became more suspicious in his demeanor and growled, "Care to elaborate on that?"  Dear reader, you KNOW what I do to memes therefore it is safe to assume you KNOW that every cell in my body yearned to give a snarky yet chipper, "No, not so much!" as if I were truly being offered an option in that question.  Fortunately, a few cells in my brain fired off before my mouth did and I was able to avoid a cavity search because, as I considered a more suitable response, Logo told the guy we met in a chat room and before I could make some wise ass crack about it being an Al-Qaeda chat room she clarified that it was a trivia room and we were sent on our way.

Last Bit of Washington

Sick of Washington yet?  Ok, well, today is the last bit of show and tell for that.  Tomorrow onto Canada!  That's only one day though so don't worry.  Have I mentioned Logo missed her calling as a tour guide?  In addition to showing me all around Seattle itself she showed me some lovely areas outside the city.  On my last day in Washington we saw Cama Beach, which is an old fishing resort.  It was quite charming.

The beach was all pebbly and crushed up clam shells but a very pretty, relaxing looking place.

Care to guess what this is?

It's the inside of one of these, a handmade kayak. We met a fellow there who helps run the place and he gave us quite a nice showing of the various boats and kayaks they have for rent as well as showing us one of the cabins.  I have to admit if we'd had the time I would have liked to give that kayak a try to see how it felt compared to the plastic ones I've used in the past.  Maybe next time I make it out that way....

Instead of kayaking Logo and I took a ride on her bike Red Molly through the gorgeous Skagit Valley.

Oh yes we did.  It was fantastic.  I didn't mind missing the kayak at all. I was completely content.

Friday 55 & Da Count-Camano Dawn

FRIDAY 55

Mountains,

sky,

and water

scheme together.

They whisper

their incantation

that rises with the sun,

envelops me like the mist

roused from its rest,

rolling along the water,

ascending

as dawn draws it

to the clouds.

The earth inhales...exhales.

Its spell is cast--

the beguiling look

of a lover waking,

smiling,

reaching,

whispering, 

"Stay..."

DA COUNT

Yeah, I actually got up before dawn to take these pictures while I was in Washington.  Me, the girl who hates mornings.  It was worth it.  Just.so.gorgeous.

And Now for Something Not Completely Different....

We're going to move OUTSIDE Seattle today.  First we'll hit Ballard Locks, which connects the Puget Sound via the Ship Canal to Lakes Union and Washington.  We weren't there long because the weather was cold and rainy but hit just at the right time to see some vessels large and small go through the locks.

I thought this one was especially charming.

Some very groovy sculpture at the locks.

After seeing Ballard, where fish climb ladders we went to Fremont so we cold climb a troll.

I went mining for gold.

and found....something....

Fremont is a funky place.  I mean that in a good way.  Lots of art.  Lots of grooviness.  There's a giant statue of V. I. Lenin even.  Apparently the statue was purchased by a local artist who saw it in a news picture after it had been toppled as the communist regime unraveled.  He recognized the tremendous skill in producing the work and wanted to preserve it not so much because he was a fan on Lenin but because he hated to see the product of a skilled artist destroyed. 

This plaque was at Lenin's feet.  I can't even venture a guess as to why or what it means.

Even the sidewalks in Fremont are groovy.

Another day, Logo took me on a winery tour. That was a first for me and I learned a few things in between watching a tour guide become increasingly irritated with a bozo of a tourist and watching the antics of said tourist.

Which winery?   Well, my own, of course.

And since it was my chateau I went out amongst the vines with my camera...I have to inspect my grapes don't I?

Nourishing

A few years ago I posted about the farmer's market I grew up visiting on a regular basis.  I love farmer's markets.  They feed my soul as much as they feed my belly.  In Trinidad, I had access to a large and wonderful farmer's market too.  Since I have been back in the US I have not lived in proximity to a decent one.  I miss that access dearly.  Then I went to Seattle...and Susie and Logo introduced me to Pike Place Market.  Oh did that place sing to my soul!

Susie and I greeted Rachel the pig upon our arrival.

I loved all the strings of peppers hanging around.  So colorful!

And berries.  Mmmmm....simply succulent!

Strange colors for carrots but so fresh.  One of the things I loved was how much of the produce was organic or sustainably farmed and sold at what I'd consider to be reasonable prices.

Huuuuge piles of shrimp...or piles of huge shrimp which is kind of an oxymoron...

Whereas crowds in grocery stores make me crazy, there is something I love about the hustle and bustle of a farmer's market.

Yum, I tried it planked while I was out in Seattle.  I quite liked it. 

The fish market is just plain fun.  These guys tossing the fish back and forth were having a ball. As soon as he caught the fish he came rushing at my camera lens with it. Unfortunately I missed that shot because I was laughing so hard.  But this one captures some of the spirit I think.

Fish too smelly for ya?  Ok, how about row upon row of bouquets.  Big, lush, gorgeous bouquets for unbelievably cheap prices.

Pretty in pink...

...or lavender.

Oooh, looky...stacks of tie dye!  Another thing I loved about Seattle and Pike Place Market was that there were a lot of locally produced and wonderfully artistic crafts available.  If you truly wanted some cheap plastic made-in-China tourist memento you could find it, but there was such a proliferation of really wonderful local arts and crafts I'd have to ask WHY would you want that other junk?

I said it before, the place sang to my soul.  It made me happy....happy enough to wanna ride a pig and whoop in enthusiasm!

And Now For the Obviously Touristy Part of the Extended Seattle Tribute

In case you forgot, I went to Seattle last month so I could meet Susie and Logo.  How lucky were we to have a view of the Space Needle from our very reasonably priced hotel room?  Cool, huh?  That was the first night.

Several days later we took a ferry ride and I got to see the Needle from the water.

Bonus shot of another ferry with the Needle.  How very Seattle, eh?

Coming back on the ferry I got to see the Needle at night.  Also attempted getting a half decent shot while the motor was vibrating the boat, the wind was blowing me, and I had no tripod.  I expected nothing more than a horrid blur. The fact that I can even tell it's the Needle makes me happy.

No Needle in the shot but the waterfront is groovy.

This is the result of that earlier picture of Logo laying on the ground and me...uh...mounting the gigantic balls.  It's all about perspective, baby.  No phallic symbolism going on, nuh-uh.

Oh, and just to keep things completely out of order chronologically, we did actually go TO the Needle a day or so before the ferry ride.  Here's a view of the gorgeous Puget Sound at sunset.

Gratuitous ferry entering the shot.

Check out the Cascade Range.  Water. Mountains. Sunset.  What's not to love? 

Waterfront view from the Needle at dusk.

More of the same, just the other side of the Needle.  (Here's Uncle Milt coming out from behind the house. *click*  Here he is in front of the house. *click* Here he is by the car. *click*....sick of my Needle views yet?)

Ok fine, we also rode the monorail to get back to the hotel so we could look out our window and see the Needle some more.