No Lack of Subtlety

Diana is home for Thanksgiving break. She informed us her exceedingly slovenly roommate finally washed her sheets for the first time. When Calypso asked what brought that about Diana replied, " I bought a bottle of Febreze and sat it on her bed. I told her I could either make her sheets wet with Febreze or she could make them wet in the washing machine. She opted for the washing machine."

Brothers

Great Uncle J. I never met him. I think the last time my grandmother saw him was long before she was even a mother herself. According to her he'd driven the family from New Jersey to Pennsylvania with his borderline lawbreaking antics. She always held a grudge that her father had to leave a good job with the railroad to come to Pennsylvania. She didn't speak to him, didn't know where he was. But faded photos in the top drawer of the attic dresser reveal they had some bit of contact after Jerry had gone to California. Did the mysterious Vera in a few of them send them on to my grandmother?



Her father. As far as I know, if he had brothers they never spoke to him after he married a Protestant. His entire Catholic family disowned him. In my china cabinet here are just two pieces of cut glass which crossed the Atlantic with his immigrant family and somehow entered his possession, later passing to my grandmother after her brother J. headed west and faded into the photo album.



Uncle T. My father's older brother. He is a Philadelphia lawyer. If you're familiar with the expression, yes...by most accounts, he lives up to it. He's still living but I haven't laid eyes on him since we buried my grandparents four months apart 18 years ago. Before that he and my father didn't speak for a decade over a bottle of wine. I have only a handful of shadowy memories of him from my childhood. The only remnants from him are the frayed edges of a rent family.



My brother. We were both still at home when he stopped speaking to me. His silence lasted 7 years. One day in the midst of the silence and out of desperation I asked, for the sake of Calypso, to borrow his car to get her to the doctor when she had a high fever and a choking cough. He handed me the keys. I thanked him deeply. When I later returned them he inquired about her. Months later we sat together until the wee hours of the morning at his request and were reconciled.



He is a man of few spoken words. He is a very solitary and reserved person. My children have grown up knowing him. They love him and know he loves them. When they were small they loved to play with him. As they've grown he has enjoyed being able to converse intelligently with them. My children and my brother seek each other out at family functions.



Recently, Calypso said she asked him why he didn't speak to me for so long. She was told what his rationale was as it related to a particular incident at the time. He added that he and I, as well as the other parties involved, all could have handled things far better than we each did respectively. He's right.



Regardless, of our personal history I am very thankful my brother and I have not repeated, for the duration of a lifetime, the family history of leaving behind only dead artifacts with no glad stories to warm the cold surfaces of paper and glass. I smile knowing my children look forward to seeing my brother; that he makes time to be a part of their lives even in his own way. I am thankful we've done better. I pray my own children never feel the iciness of of angry separation from each other. May that sort of legacy be what fades like crackled photos and shatters like glass.

Friday 55-Unsettled

I toss under the covers,

staring at the clock.

An hour passes,

then two,

plaguing thoughts

play on endless loop.

I take my pillow,

find the couch,

stare through the window

at the skeletal trees.

They sway in the wind

while rain pelts the roof.

Sleeps comes.

I wake tangled in the afghan

clutching my pillow.

Slice of Lime & Da Count-Mad Alphabetizing Skillz

One of the things about my job that has driven me absolutely out of my mind since the first day there is the filing system. The other 2 girls I work with and the one who trained me to replace her also hated it. The 2 chiropractors seemed blissfully unaware of the shambles it was in mainly because they hand us stuff, tell us to file it, and it gets done...sort of. Alternately, they ask us for something and we find it...usually.

In truth, the things that are supposed to be filed get stacked up in a big box and frequently ignored because just as so many of you have electronic devices and appliances you fear, the other girls feared the filing cabinets because they were a vast black hole into which things were sucked never to appear again. The cabinets functioned as something a blind, illiterate thalidomide victim might have designed and maintained. They were color coded according to the method of payment each patient uses (5 different colors). Each color section was organized by something other than the English alphabet. Medicare patients maybe went according to Cyrillic. Let's order health insurance patients according to zodiac sign. Cash patients we'll file backwards. You get the idea. Ok, I am employing hyperbole, but let's have an actual example.

John Q. Patient first came as a new patient several years ago he was a car accident victim. When his car insurance coverage maxed out he switched to his health insurance coverage which only allows 12 visits per year so now he is a cash patient, but a couple months ago he reached Medicare age. That means when he comes in for a progress check and I have to pull his old records there are 4 different sets of filing drawers I need to look through because no one bothered to update the file in the cabinet or maybe they did after the first change but not the second or third ones. Who knows? It depends on how busy the office was those day years ago when the various changes in coverage occurred. It also depends on who may have been employed in our office at the various stages in John's life. Some of them kept order, some of them didn't. It's all a crap shoot. Oh, and I forgot to tell you. John Q. Patient lives with Jane M. Backache, who has kept her maiden name, and they have a mixture of yours, mine, and our kids with 3 different last names but we know they live together so in the filing cabinet we'll just stick them all together. I am not making this up.

You are all reasonably intelligent readers. Are you seeing the nightmare? Now throw one librarian wannabe (yours truly) into this office and tell her to catch up on the backlog of filing but that she has to keep the current system. Just for the sake of a little irony, introduce into the cast of characters, as a new patient, the dean of the library who strung her along for 4 months telling her she was in the running and she made it to the final 2 candidates but then when the final decision was made for the other person he couldn't be bothered to notify her and neither could HR. Hand to God, it happened. During my interview, the dean complained about the antiquated, behemoth card catalog in the children's department of the library. When he walked into the office I wanted to grab him by the lapels and drag him to the filing cabinets and show him what real disorder looked like as I shouted, "You at least have DEWEY and the ALPHABET! You have a team of cataloguers! Your card catalog is in ORDER! You condemned me to THIS!"

Ok, so that would have been bad. I refrained. I did tell the boss this system needs overhauling and I'm the girl to do it. She disagreed and said it just needed to be cleaned up. I countered that it could be cleaned up and in a couple months it will be a shambles again. She conceded. I said I'd come in when the office was closed to fix it because this isn't something that can be done during office hours and it should be done in one shot. I don't think she believed me.

On Tuesday I spent 5 hours bringing order from chaos. The beast has been mostly tamed (some purging needs to occur but I don't yet know what is safe to purge and what isn't). John Q. Patient and Mary Backache and their mixed brood may live in united bliss under one roof, but in this filing system the letters C-O come between them in one fully integrated colorblind filing world (what a model for world peace, eh?). It gives me great joy. One of the other girls in the office gleefully declared she had done her own filing in about 2 minutes that day. I found homes for most of the orphaned items that have been in the filing box at the front desk for at least 2 months. (The rest will require a descent into basement storage, aka, the 5th circle of filing hell.)

So this week, here's a picture of me with the tamed beast. No more need for chairs held at arm's length or whips or guns when approaching. (Sorry for the poor quality. All I had was my camera phone and the lighting wasn't good.) Also, Da Count is a day early and it is for the wonders of alphabetization by surname. What a sleekly, efficient joy that is.

Fragrances, Rock Bands, and Phones...Oh My!

More tales from the carpool today, which for me is a good thing because I was kind of scraping for a post idea. It was a good thing I had to drive the carpool this morning. Good grief, clearly, the early mornings are affecting my brain if I think schlepping 6 teenagers at 6 am in a borderline functional minivan (Poor Gracie really needs some work done on her.) is a good thing. I hope my judgment hasn't been so adversely affected that you read this whole post and click onto the next one shaking your head in disbelief at the drivel tossed out here. If you stick around to the end we can have some fun. Trust me.

One of the migraine triggers in my life is artificial fragrance. It's one of the reasons I don't wear perfume. Most women's perfume drive me right up the wall. The flowery scents are the worst. First my nose starts to itch, then the headache hits. My girls love perfume, but they have been well trained to check with me before the purchase any to see if it's one I can tolerate being around. I can tolerate fruity or spicy smells a little better so that's the compromise we've come to. It becomes a little more problematic when one of their friends gives them a gift without knowing this. Diana and Calypso have a few scents they know I absolutely cannot tolerate. May I just say Tommy Girl has to be one of the worst I've ever encountered, closely followed by any flowery thing from Bath & Body Works. I've been known to make them change clothes and wash if I catch a whiff of Tommy Girl. I've also ridden with the windows down in the car...in January...because they used it in the car. Seriously, I'm unwilling to endure a migraine for the sake of perfume. This morning in the carpool one girl passed around some Bath & Body Works stuff which is a known offender. They were a little shocked when the car heat went off and the cool air came on. Crisis averted.

The conversation turned to music as it often does. My car radio no longer plays nicely with the iPod adapter I have so we've been limited to radio stations with a lot of morning show nonsense but one finally played this song. I made the comment that I couldn't decide if I liked the song or if it got on my last nerve. The girls went round and round about which songs they have the same reaction to. I'm not talking about the music you completely loathe but the stuff that one day you could bop along to and the next day want to turn it off. Conversation progressed to musical groups and artists who produce one melody and just change up the lyrics for every "new" song. It was generally agreed that Nickelback falls squarely in this category.

The other main topic this morning was Eva's new Droid phone, which she just acquired last night. She was still exploring all its groovy features. She asked Calypso to text her so we could all hear the weird robot notification voice. I dunno, sounds like a robotic belch to me. Then she cycled through a bunch of ring tones. There seemed to be a whole sub-menu devoted to world music which caused Pris to exclaim, "It's like you can travel all over the world just on ring tones!" Eva continued to demonstrate the various features she had discovered and find more new ones. Several of them seem to be automatic features that require the user to do nothing before they kick in. Eva was delighted but eventually made the observation, "This thing is like almost alive! I think I'd better be nice to it or it may kill me in my sleep!"

Ok, so now that I've bored you nearly to tears with the content of my early morning carpool discussions I'll get to the whole point of this post. It's audience participation time so please answer the questions in your comment.

1. Which smells aside from the obvious rotting roadkill,/skunk spray/sewer gas, which are pretty universally accepted as putrid, do you find unpleasant and why?

2. In your mind, which songs straddle the line between "turn up the radio/shut that crap off?"

3. Which electronic device, appliance, or other mechanical device in your life do you need to be nice to so it doesn't kill you in your sleep?

Obervations and Advice from the Waiting Room

I have done a bit of complaining about certain things at work but there are aspects of the job I really love. Mostly, that would boil down to the patients. First of all, I am a devoted people watcher and a waiting room is a great place for such activity. (If you have a little time or need a real belly laugh you can check out this post from when I was a patient. Of course, sometimes the health car e providers themsleves are the source of humor, intentional or otherwise, and if you have a lot more time here's a link to a series of posts about Diana's encounters with her orthodontist.) Secondly, interacting with some of the patients is a real hoot sometimes. Allow me to share.



OBSERVATIONS

• Certain parents are going to have one hell of a rough time in the teen years if they already let toddlers run the show.
• It's completely endearing to see a sweet, quiet, unassuming 82 year old woman shake it like a Poloroid picture when Outkast plays on the office iPod.
• Free food brings long lost patients out of the woodwork.
• It's a thing of beauty to see couples who have spent a lifetime together being tender with each other.
• Some folks receive healing from a little meaningful conversation as much as from chiropractic care.
• The older folks with a good sense of humor and who are inclined to smile the most are the ones who have the handsomest wrinkles.
• If the doctors could offer attitude adjustments along with spinal adjustments, many parents would sign up their kids for that service.
• Some people are just dumber than a box of rocks.
• Other people who have so many odds stacked against them, so few resources from which to draw, and who keep persevering are very admirable.
• I must be prepared to quickly disarm patients who pick up this implement and hold it to their temples. See also: dumber than a box of rocks.
• Viewing x-rays and getting to see all the weird places people have piercings is pretty hilarious. Somehow all those piercings are far less "sexy" though highly entertaining on a skeleton.
  

ADVICE

• From the couple who just celebrated their 61st anniversary when asked what was their secret. The husband replied, "She's a great cook." The wife added, "Kissing doesn't keep. Cooking does."
• Another patient lets me know where all the best grocery deals are every week. I like a good bargain but I suppose given the prior advice I could also consider it a form of marriage therapy.
• I should not wear a particular pair of pants because it makes me look "wide." A second opinion declares I should wear them because I got "good booty."
• Finally, if I have a need I shouldn't be shy about expressing it like one patient does with this button on her purse. And yes, I had permission to take a picture of it.

Because It's Been a While...

...Since I tormented you all with a meme.

1. Have you ever witnessed/been in a wet t-shirt contest?
Not intentionally



2. Hot dogs or hamburgers?
Veggie Burger



3. What's your favorite kind of chips?
Blue


4. Have you ever twisted up a swing and then untwisted it and spun around?
What kid hasn't done this?



5. What was your favorite contraption at a playground when you were a kid?
Swings. I always wanted to see if I could swing high enough to get it to go all the way around. I'll pretend all of you are shocked by that.



6. What's a helix lucorum?
Do you speak to your mother with that mouth?



7. What's your favorite aquatic creature?
Hugh Jackman walking out of the surf.



8. Who's the best teacher in your school?
I don't own or accept personal responsibility for any schools



9. Would you ever eat hufu?(FYI...Hufu is a tofu-based product that is meant to resemble, as realistically as possible, the taste and texture of human flesh.)
The more appropriate question is who on earth invented hufu and why? Additionally, who would even ask this question?



10. How far away do you live from Ontario, Canada?
As the crow flies or driving distance? And why are crows the measurement standard in terms of bird flight anyway? Why not as the duck waddles?



11. Have you ever been to Alaska?
Nope. I can't even see it from my house.



12. Ever drive your car on a sidewalk?
I don't drive drunk.



13. Would you rather bake brownies or cookies?
What sadist is making me choose between two delights. If I'm the one baking and cleaning up after myself I should get to bake both if I want.



14. Do you like to make s'mores at a campfire?
Have you forgotten smorgasms already?



15. What's your favorite flavor coffee?
None.



16. Do you own a knife?
No, I just puree my steaks before eating them. I spread PB and J with my fingers. For Thanksgiving we will all just rip into the turkey with our bare hands.



17. Are you pro or against the death penalty?
I am pro-grammar and I think the author of this question needs to be remediated or shot at dawn in a hail of punctuation.



18. How many scars do you have on your body, that are non-surgical?
Big one on my right shin from tripping over a baby gate while carrying an overly full laundry basket. Not all of my scars have groovy zipline stories to go with them.



19. What is one turn-off of someone you are interested in?
I'm sorry, I just can't get past the horror that is the syntax of this question.



20. What is one turn-ON of someone you are interested in?
For the love of Strunk and White, make it stop!!!!



21. Do you own a fish?
There is some cod in my freezer. Does that count?



22. Do you think there's other life in the universe?
There's plenty right here to keep me entertained and interested for a good while.



23. Are you afraid of cemeteries?
Nope. I actually enjoy them and find them peaceful.



24. Ever been in a bar fight?
Well, since you took all my knives up in #16, I had to start using bars as weapons.



25. Do you wear hats/beanies?
When it's cold.


26. Do you sleep with your bedroom door open or closed?
I don't sleep with the door. It's not very comfortable sharing the bed with it.


27. What are you mostly addicted to?
Mostly? So that means partly not addicted to? Doesn't that mostly negate the concept?



28. Are you supposed to be doing something else instead of this survey?
Pfft.

29. Where's the last country you think you'd ever go on vacation to?
Well, if I am travelling alphabetically, I'd say Zimbabwe. Of course Robert Mugabe's policies doesn't make it all that attractive a destination anyway.

30. Have you ever eaten anything that was inside a garbage can?
Dumpster diving is an art.


31. How many times do you say fuck a day?
I don't think I've ever said "fuck a day."


32. How bored are you, exactly?
This is quantifiable? Can I use English measurements or must I use metrics? Do I measure it in volume, length, or weight?