Monday, August 14, 2006

I'm Baaaaaack!

Yeeehaw! I made it out in one piece, well...almost...sort of. Ok, I'm alive and so is the hausdrachen and everyone else. I'll get back to all that but you know, 30 hours in a car gives one all sorts of time to between the 'are we there yets,' 'she's touching mes,' wild swerves to miss the lunatic drivers on the interstates, pit stops, and the amazing proliferation of snack wrappers mounting high enough to block rear views. I just wanted to share some of the profound thoughts bulls***t that I pondered deeply amused me during the 30 ass-flattening, mind-numbing hours.

  • What exactly does it mean when a sign says 'Speed Enforced from Aircraft?' Do the police fly around in helicopters and bomb you if you speed? Or does a giant net fall from the sky to capture you? Do they activate huge trapdoors in the interstate to swallow offenders?
  • I saw billboards for a place called Zaxby's Chicken Fingers and Buffalo Wings. Now this amazes me. There's a whole chain of fast food places making a killing off ficticious animal parts. Can we expand the menu to include fish feet and cow fin soup? Just a thought...
  • I am convinced Arizona has a monopoly on U-Haul rental trucks and trailers. Every one we passed had Arizona plates on it except one. That one was from Alberta. May I salute the intrepid Canadians who have horned in on Arizona's stranglehold.
  • Oh, and speaking of salutes I'm using a special finger for that Hummer driver that felt the need to attempt an automotive colonoscopy for several miles while I was cruising up I-81.
  • Mr. Lime gave us all quite a giggle when he exitted the Hampton Inn in Lexington, VA because they were charging $150/night. He shared his thoughts by mooning the front desk from the parking lot. That's right ladies, he's all mine. (You can breathe a sigh of relief now)
  • I got bored at one point and read the Road Atlas for fun. Did you know there is a town in New Mexico called Elephant Butte? I was obviously rather delirious when I found that because I read it as Elephant Butt. I giggled for about 10 miles. I am just waaaay too easily amused.
  • Speaking of big butts, my son's favorite part of the trip is when we pass the water tower shaped like a gigantic peach in Gaffney, SC. We've all decided it looks like an enormous peachy ass.
  • With regards to my son, I enjoyed the look of horror on my husband's face when we swapped driving duties in WV and Mr. Lime discovered Isaac had just rapidly ingested a Candy Bar and a 16 oz. bottle of Jolt soda he'd bought on the sly. Oh yeah, 10 year old boy and excessive sugar and caffeine in confined times!
  • Mr. Lime occasionally threatens to move the family to western Nebraska because of local overcrowding. This led me back to the Road Atlas. According to Rand McNally, there are 11 contiguous counties in Western NE that each have a population less than 1000. Some of these counties had exactly 2 roads that made the map. Some had a single speck of a town in them. Now I mean no disrespect to the good people of western NE (wherever they may be found) but....NOT A CHANCE! I have greater social needs than what the average herd of deer and antelope can provide.
  • I'm also not interested in living in Tom Green Co., Texas. I'd be embarassed to live in a place named after the goofball who married Drew Barrymore.
  • Now, for the love of God and weary travellers who play the license plate game, I think fancy license plates frames and extraneous specialty plates should just be outlawed. The frames obscure my ability to read what state you are from and the myriad of specialty plates just give me false hope. 'Ooooh, where's that plate from? Damn, just another Florida variation. Sheesh!' Here I am thinking I get to check off a whole new state and it's just some barnacle encrusted manatee that graduated from FSU. In case you care, and I know you've waited all week to learn this, I counted 42 US states and 4 Canadian provinces. Oh, and by the way, the GA vanity plate that read 'AKBAR 1'.....I'm thinking it's not the plate I'd want right now.

Ok, so maybe you want to know about the actual visit in the lair of the Hausdrachen. Maybe you don't. Hey, I lived. You will too.

  • It was a delight to see our 24 year old nephew. He is such a great guy and was so good to the kids.
  • It was crazy to see how much our 6 year old niece has grown and changed and it was fun to see her enjoy her cousins.
  • My husband and his brother look more and more alike as the years pass. Hon, this is why you can't shave your moustache. I need to be able to tell the difference.
  • I aggravated my lower back badly enough I needed to find a chiropractor in East Nowhere, GA (long drives and conjugal acts performed on the bathroom counter of Holiday Inn Express are a bad combination with herniated disks, go figure).
  • The Hausdrachen wanted to know why she has trouble getting on the internet. Um, computer from 1997, Windows 95, dial-up connection...where do we even begin?
  • During the one group conversation when the HD started to breathe fire at Mr. Lime's older brother, Mr. Lime picked up the first random object at hand, made some inane observation about it. While HD was distracted (ooooh shiny!) we all scattered like cockroaches when the light is turned on. It was an amazing display of efficient self-preservation.
  • Aside from that incident and one other involving a two liter bottle of soda, 4 kids and a small pontoon boat, the visit was generally conflict free, which is a minor miracle. HD also seems to be recovered from the ailment that prevented her from travelling north so we are all glad for that.

Now, I must apologize to Breazy and Chickadee because I missed them in my fantasy road trip. To make it up to them I am taking them both with me when I go to Trinidad. Breazy will love the beach time and Chickadee, the birdwatching there is world famous.

Now as a last order of business I want to post a note from my cousin Lisa...Again, thank you to each who took the time to offer condolences.

Lisa said...
Hi everyone.This is Lisa, Lime's cousin.

Thank you so much for your condolences, your kind thoughts, your prayers. I don't think I have even gotten to grieve my father's passing very much. Every family acts differently in grief, and my three sisters decided it was just the right time to tell me exactly what they thought of me, so it's been nothing less then truly horrid. Really, it was a nightmare. We're home now, my little son and I, and the healing started when I read your kind notes. I'm glad my cousin has such a good crew reading her journal, and I wish you all the best. Thank you so very much.

ps I'm sure I'll get to posting on my blog soon.


RennyBA said...

Welcome Baaaaack! How great to hear you are home safe and sound after this 30 ass-flattening, mind-numbing hours!
It was humorous, good, crazy, lovely and exciting to read about your adventure. Thanks for sharing and we are all looking forward to hear more about your trip:-)

airplanejayne said...

all I can say is that you missed California....

so you must take me to Trinidad also!!!!!

oh, and btw -- having lived in Eastern Nebraska for a number of years: Did you know that the football stadium at UNL is often the third largest city in NE? Seriously. Food for thought, eh?

Gary said...

I'm wondering. Does Haampton Inn give discounts of you moon them?

By the way, I'm guess I'm not the only person who isn't impressed with Tom Greene. For me, watching him is like hearing chalk screeching on a blackboard.

I hope you are resting up from our trip.Just be glad it wasn't like the old days when you would have had to go by covered wagon. That would REALLY be hard on your back.

Cootera said...

Welcome back to the land of hi-speed internetS, Lime! (Ya was missed y'know).

AndyT13 said...

I wasn't on your itinerary either. Thus you now have another passenger for Trini. Welcome home.

lecram sinun said...

Obviously APJ doesn't read. LOL!

Good to have you back, Lime! :)

barefoot_mistress said...

Welcome back, Lime! While you were gone we were naughty.

I am so impressed with Mr Limes distraction techniques re: MIL
Vey good! And, happy to hear you were not the victim of her wrath this time!

Lime, you are so fricking funny, I missed your writing, glad you are back!

Logophile said...

YAY, my limey is back, my limey is back!! w00t!
Glad you survived and managed to entertain yourself. Not only that but the offspring and the MIL were allowed to live too,
a successful trip by any standard.

Laurie said...

Welcome Back!

Hummer drivers are a special breed of asshole, ya know?

As a mom of two boys, I had to laugh at the image of a ten year old fueled on chocolate and Jolt.. I feel your pain! LOL

Cosima said...

I am so glad that your Angst about the Hausdrachen (lol) was not fulfilled, and you had Fahrvergn├╝gen while driving through the Nebraskan Hinterland. Families can be quite a Kindergarten, but your Realpolitik seemed to have saved the day. :) This Kraut enjoyed reading your post very much, and am so glad that you are back sound and save.

Breazy said...

We have a Zaxby's and I have to tell ya that they make a wonderful grilled chicken salad and for my not so healthy side , spicey fried mushrooms ! LOL! I also look at license plates !

YAY !!! TRINIDAD here we come ! Just let me know when to be ready ! I am there baby ! LOL! You have a good day Lime !

Jodes said...

hi, welcome back. my blog missed you, I did too.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back lime..what a hilarious post!I think the time away has made you even funnier and your writing is wonderful.
Great job, thanks for the laughs.

Moosekahl said...

I know some very nice people in Western Nebraska if you really do end up there...Grandpa grew up there, they took me along on trips in the summer. There is NOTHING to look at there :)

Glad you made it home in one piece and that all survived.

Phain said...

*shudder* no way in "h e double hockey sticks" would you catch me in a car for that many hours.....belerk!!!

Glad you made it home in one piece - I had to smile (ok, I actually blushed a bit) when I read about the conjugal acts. I'll never be able to think about a Holiday Inn Express in quite the same manner ;)

tl said...

I think holidays are a great way to find out just how good home really is.
It sounds like you had a lot of fun and it wasn't as bad as you thought it might be.
Welcome back.

Lisa said...

I missed you, cuz!!!!

Do you guys know this woman skipped out on laundry and packing the day before her trip to be at my father's funeral with me? She is a cut (of lime) above the rest. She rocks!


steve said...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!! Life on the open road...........nothing like it!!

snavy said...

I'm still giggling at "oooohhhh shiny."

Easily amused I guess - sigh...

Welcome back!! I have 4 more days of my sentence -- I mean vacation.

Margie Blystone said...

Ha... 30 ass-flattening hours... I love that term!

Amber said...

Hilarious obvservations. I love it!

Mark Leslie said...

Lime, I'm still peeing in my pants laughing at the chicken fingers and buffalo wings funny -- "ficticious animal parts" - now wouldn't THAT be a great name for a restaurant?

And cousin Lisa, sending you a big bunch of hugs and well wishes - hang in there. Your cousin has a heart of gold and is hopefully proof that there are still kind and compassionate family members around.