Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Weird Wednesday-Death Becomes Her

Cosima has a lovely post about fascinating museum exhibit and I encourage everyone to go check it out. However, I read it first at just before midnight and her introduction caused some firing of synapses perhaps best left blocked. But I can't just let it go, no...I have to use it as fodder for a post. Aren't you so lucky?

What is it she said? Well, she started by stating she wants to be cremated and scattered to the wind so no museum gawkers can hover over her remains. I on the other hand would be ok with being dug up and being put on display and I think I shall be revising my own burial requests just so I can throw off the anthropologists and archaeologists. I will seed my casket with all sorts of incongruous items that bear no actual meaning to North American life at the turn of the millennium. (oh, and feel free to leave suggestions for this in the comments) Causing trouble even centuries after my death, how fitting, bwahahaha!

Ok, so anyone out there creeped out by this discussion? Keep reading it gets better. This is Weird Wednesday after all. Why do I have outlined plans of how I want the disposal of my remains handled at the tender age of 38 when I am seemingly healthy? Well, there has been a written outline of plans since I was 8.

Yes, folks that's right I didn't even know how to multiply and divide or write in cursive yet and my mother had planned my funeral. Being the forward thinking and detail specific mom she is she wanted to include my input into these plans as she recorded them. So one day as I was happily watching Brady Bunch reruns and playing with my Barbie dolls she called me to her desk and inquired nonchalantly, 'I'm working on our funeral plans. When you die do you want to be buried or cremated?'

There was a long silence as I pondered my mortality. Had she found the contraband gigantic wad of prechewed half sticks of sugar free, dentist recommended Trident I amassed so as to have a decent glob to attempt blowing bubbles with? Did my stinky brother rat me out about swiping mom's blonde wig and her padded bras to dress him up as my sister? What the heck was in that Kool Aid I had after school? I heard bad things about Kool Aid....Wait? Is MOM dying? Dad just left us now where is Mom going? Did one of those blood clots in her legs break free like she said they could? I looked left and right and over my shoulder and kind of chewed my lip before I asked if we were dying any time soon.

Mom laughed and said no but eventually we all would die and it was best to be prepared. Then she repeated her question. Only somewhat comforted, I asked rather tentatively, 'What's cremated?' She responded coolly, 'They burn you up and then grind up what's left of your bones.' WAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I don't wanna get burned up! I don't wanna get burned up!!!! She pulled me close in a loving hug and patted me as my crying slowed to a soggy snuffle. Finally she offered sweetly, 'It's ok. You don't feel them burning you because you're DEAD.' WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Ok, so we will put you down for burial then. Yes, I feel sooooo much better now. Just try going to sleep after that little mind bender at the age of 8 when you're the type of kid who already needs a nightlight and 14 stuffed animals in bed with her and pulls the covers over her head so the monsters can't see her and never lets and body parts dangle over the edge of the bed so the tentacles can't reach up and suck her under. Just TRY!!!! Obviously Mom let her hand fall over the edge of the bed in her sleep or something and the pod people got her and sent this lady back in her place!!

28 comments:

Logophile said...

Too funny
Ya know, about three years ago I had a convo about burial vs. cremation with the kids and Thing One was quite unhappy with my plan to be cremated. Mr. Logo was to be buried at sea and that did not suit him either. He wanted a nice funeral plot to visit. Some are born morbid, some acheive morbidness, others have morbidity thrust upon them.

lime said...

logo, i can completely empathize with thing one...

Breazy said...

I have gave everyone that knows me strict instructions to make sure that I do NOT get cremated. I shiver just thinking about it. I didn't come into this world in a flame and I don't want to go out that way either, just put me back into the earth I was made from please!

May seem weird but we have talked to all of our kids about their burial and funerals as well, I mean it is best to know than to have tragedy strike and you can't carry out their wishes. All of my kids want a burial in the family cemetery which is what Mr. B and I both want as well.

I had an aunt to pass away over a year ago and she wanted her body to go to "the body farm" over here in Knoxville so that students can learn more about forensics and such by using her corpse. Her kids did not send her body there however because they couldn't stand the thought and I completely understand that.

Have a good day!
xoxo

sudiegirl said...

You'd be surprised about the strong objections re: cremation...very touchy subject indeed.

I know that my grandparents would get upset about my dad donating blood or anyone in our family stating they would be an organ donor. I realize that's off topic, but there are folks that really get uptight. I don't get why (other than Jehovah's Witnesses having reasons for it)...I mean, when you're gone, you're not using your organs anymore. Your body can get along without a pint of blood. Why get upset about others' choices to donate these things?

I know it's off topic, but it seems like these topics tend to mush together.

Keyser Soze said...

Buried at sea suits me. I have no plan though so I should get that shit in writing sometime soon. Like before I die LOL

lecram sinun said...

Of late I've been thinking when I die... it's gonna be someone else's problem. LOL. Maybe I should stipulate something ridiculously silly like no one wears pants at the funeral.

tl said...

Once my bodies gone cold, I won't have any use for it, so they may as well feed it to the crocodiles.

That's the cheapest I can think of.

:)

lime said...

breazy, mr. lime wants to go to the body farm himself.

sudie, i am all for blood donation (5 gallon donor myself) and orgna donation (know lots of people who have benefitted). i admit my reaction to cremation is not rooted in logic....just a freaked out kid.

keyser, don't go away any time soon, ok?

lecram, you are brilliant. sarongs only or nudie funeral?

tl, you are ever practical aren't you?

MONA said...

I would like neither. I would prefer to be a cadaver in a medical school where they can pursue their studying upon dissecting me!

Crabby said...

Oh screw me! You mean I not only have Miss Ellie's ashes but her ground up bones on my mantle? ICK ICK ICK!
Hell....is getting custody of your MIL after she's dead.

btw...um, Lime...now....don't kill me. I'm 56. I still have 5 or 10 good years, ok?
But I kind of, sort of, borrowed your face (the fish one) and it might be on my blog right now. Not sayin it is...not sayin it isn't. basically...I'm just running now.

Tommy said...

I was thinking cremation, but now that you mention it, a sarcophagus adorned with Monty Python-esque symbols would be fun too. You know large foot smashing the earth flat, factories stamping out complete families, naked but for the mouse ears ... all the good shit. But the feed me to the gators thing sounds good too. Hmmmmmmmm ....
TG

lime said...

mona, mr lime wishes to be donated to science as well.

crabby, i am sorry to have creeped you out.

tommy, you are briliant. i had wanted a pine box and a white shroud but ya know...the monty python sarcophagus....i like it, i really like it.

RennyBA said...

Your mom gives such good solace !!

Btw: How do I dear going to sleep tonight? :-)

lime said...

renny, usually she was...just not that time, lol. i will loan you my teddy bear if it helps.

Paul Champagne said...

I'm thinking cremation ... then putting some of my ashes in a rocket to be shot out to space ... cost of space burial ... about $450.00.

What a bargain.

Charles said...

I think you need to stipulate your body be encased in clear plastic so that you can't dry out, and be irradiated so all the bacteria are killed and you don't rot. Then you can have the giant paperweight that used to be you donated to the library so that you can hold books open.

I'm definitely not donating organs, especially after having seen my suspicions recently confirmed about doctor's letting you or making you die so they can make money off your organs. Screw that noise.

Me, I think I'll just stick around for the rest of eternity so that each generation after mine can try to decide what they will do with me "when I die."

Pauline said...

A close friend once told me that I would never die because God doesn't want me and Satan's scared for his job. So I immediately went and had a portrait done which is in the attic as I type.Just in case though, let me think....
Mmm, burial or burning? Nope I think I'll be buried at sea I'd rather feed the fish than the creepy crawlies!

lime said...

paul, that's really all it costs? wow, that's pretty cheap indeed.

charles, the lifesized paperweight is fabulous! re: organ donation...i know families that have been on the giving end and the receiving end. i am all for it, personally.

pauline, you don't strike me as THAT scary. what kinda wimpy friend is so terrified of you?

Brian said...

I don't really have strong feelings about what is to be done with my remains. I would be fine with being cremated but if it comforts my survivors to bury me in the ground I'd be ok with that.

~Tim said...

I had a health teacher in high school that told us he wanted a $10 funeral. He said, "They leave your body in the sun for a couple weeks till you get hard as leather and then on a rainy day they beat you into the ground with a baseball bat."

There are a lot of strange people teaching high school. Trust me on this.

lime said...

brian, it's all good i suppose.

tim, oh you don't have to convince me of the weirdness of HS teachers. i remember some of mine and mr lime tells me of his human ecology teacher who had an entire lesson on 'the perfect turd.'

G-Man said...

"Ashes to ashes,
And dust to dust,
If it weren't for your Ass-Hole,
Your belly would bust"!!!

lime said...

gman, i can always count on you for some perspective, LOL

sudiegirl said...

I'm not sure what I want done.

Maybe cremation...with my ashes being divided between my sister, nieces and nephew.

Maybe I could be stuffed? Nah - with my luck, they'd get the eyes all wrong and I'd look even worse than I do right now.

airplanejayne said...

I am laughing so hard that if I was drinking milk it would be bubbles spewing from my nose!!!


WTF!?!?!?!?!? -and I thought my mom was strange....obviously we are related. I thought my mom was an only child.....

:)

witnessing am i said...

Never too early to be prepared for the end. Ah yes, talk about forward thinking.

A very funny (and thought-provoking post, Ms Lime). As always. Although giggling and thinking at the same time is still a bit tough for me. I'll keep reading, and I'll keep working on it.

Pauline said...

It's not so much that I'm scary (but actually I can be if pushed - but then so can we all) it's more to do with the totally wicked mischief I get into whenever I'm bored and my irreverent sense of humour.

Cosima said...

The top brass of the Scythians were prepared very carefully for the afterlife. Their organs and brains were removed, and then placed into the icy ground, together with an extraordinary number of slaughtered horses and jewelry around them.

Not necessary to make such a fuss, when I die. I rather spent the money beforehand ;)