Just a few of the observations on school, religion, literature, and life recently offered by my offspring...
ON SCHOOL AND ASPIRATIONS
Isaac: Do you know I got a conduct card in school today because I did the wrong homework assignment? Some other kid got one because he didn't pass out papers fast enough!
Diana: Yeah, I had your teacher when I was in 6th grade, remember? She gave me a conduct card because there was a tootsie roll wrapper under my chair at snack time. She told me I broke the healthy snack rule AND I failed to clean up after myself. I didn't even HAVE any Tootsie Rolls with me. So after I got the conduct card I took the dessert out of my lunch and ate it for snack. She yelled at me, 'THAT is insubordination!' I told her if she punished me again for eating unhealthy snacks it would be double jeopardy. She stood there speechless.
Mother Lime: My dear, you should forget becoming a nurse. You should be a lawyer.
Diana: No way, I'd be held in contempt of court every time I opened my mouth.
Isaac: I want to be an NFL quarterback or play Major League Baseball.
Diana: So for which crime will you need my services, steroid use, dog fighting or will it be a paternity suit?
ON SUBSTITUTE TEACHERS
Calypso: I don't have homework in English today. We had Mr. P as a sub and he is not very bright.
Diana: Yeah he always used to come in with a can of Diet Coke and then fall asleep. Then we'd steal his soda and put it all sorts of strange places. One time I sat it on top of his head and he never even woke up.
Calypso: I hope he is there again tomorrow so I can try that.
Calypso: I can't believe the boring crap we have to read in English.
Diana: What is it?
Calypso: Captain John Smith's stuff. Man was that guy full of himself and he always speaks in third person. (deepening voice and speaking with bravado) So there was Captain John Smith being attacked by savages all around when he grabbed his savage guides as a human shield and at the last moment found a sword so he could handily dispatch the attacking wild men. (makes slashing movements and then flexes muscles)
Diana: That's not so bad. Did you read William Bradford's 'Of Plymouth Plantation' yet? I mean it has fights, interesting characters, people being thrown overboard, crazy people with German accents. It should be really exciting stuff but the guy makes it dull enough to put you to sleep.
UPON DRIVING PAST THE LOCAL CHRISTIAN SCIENCE READING ROOM
Diana: What do Christian Scientists believe that is different than us? (We attend church at a more mainline denomination)
Mother Lime: Well, they believe that illness is illusory so there is no real need for drugs of any sort, even aspirin for a headache. So you just pray that God would open your eyes to that illusion as a means to 'healing.'
Diana: You could have just said they are whacked.
Mother Lime: I prefer to give you facts as I understand them and let you come to your own conclusion.
Diana: Yeah but when I did that research on Mormon doctrine and found out I was more righteous than the rest of you because I am the palest person in the family you told me I was nuts.
Mother Lime: That was to keep you in check. You already have dictatorial tendencies.
Diana: Yes, but I'd still be the most desirable Mormon wife.
Mother Lime: (snorting and trying not to veer off the road while laughing hysterically) No, dear. You are not nearly submissive and demure enough to be a conservative Mormon wife.
Diana: I'll just be the head wife and make sure my husband only marries dumb but hardworking girls so I can live in the lap of polygamous luxury.