Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Out of the Mouths of Limelets

Just a few of the observations on school, religion, literature, and life recently offered by my offspring...

ON SCHOOL AND ASPIRATIONS

Isaac: Do you know I got a conduct card in school today because I did the wrong homework assignment? Some other kid got one because he didn't pass out papers fast enough!

Diana: Yeah, I had your teacher when I was in 6th grade, remember? She gave me a conduct card because there was a tootsie roll wrapper under my chair at snack time. She told me I broke the healthy snack rule AND I failed to clean up after myself. I didn't even HAVE any Tootsie Rolls with me. So after I got the conduct card I took the dessert out of my lunch and ate it for snack. She yelled at me, 'THAT is insubordination!' I told her if she punished me again for eating unhealthy snacks it would be double jeopardy. She stood there speechless.

Mother Lime: My dear, you should forget becoming a nurse. You should be a lawyer.

Diana: No way, I'd be held in contempt of court every time I opened my mouth.

Isaac: I want to be an NFL quarterback or play Major League Baseball.

Diana: So for which crime will you need my services, steroid use, dog fighting or will it be a paternity suit?



ON SUBSTITUTE TEACHERS

Calypso: I don't have homework in English today. We had Mr. P as a sub and he is not very bright.

Diana: Yeah he always used to come in with a can of Diet Coke and then fall asleep. Then we'd steal his soda and put it all sorts of strange places. One time I sat it on top of his head and he never even woke up.

Calypso: I hope he is there again tomorrow so I can try that.



LITERARY CRITIQUES

Calypso: I can't believe the boring crap we have to read in English.

Diana: What is it?

Calypso: Captain John Smith's stuff. Man was that guy full of himself and he always speaks in third person. (deepening voice and speaking with bravado) So there was Captain John Smith being attacked by savages all around when he grabbed his savage guides as a human shield and at the last moment found a sword so he could handily dispatch the attacking wild men. (makes slashing movements and then flexes muscles)

Diana: That's not so bad. Did you read William Bradford's 'Of Plymouth Plantation' yet? I mean it has fights, interesting characters, people being thrown overboard, crazy people with German accents. It should be really exciting stuff but the guy makes it dull enough to put you to sleep.



UPON DRIVING PAST THE LOCAL CHRISTIAN SCIENCE READING ROOM

Diana: What do Christian Scientists believe that is different than us? (We attend church at a more mainline denomination)

Mother Lime: Well, they believe that illness is illusory so there is no real need for drugs of any sort, even aspirin for a headache. So you just pray that God would open your eyes to that illusion as a means to 'healing.'

Diana: You could have just said they are whacked.

Mother Lime: I prefer to give you facts as I understand them and let you come to your own conclusion.

Diana: Yeah but when I did that research on Mormon doctrine and found out I was more righteous than the rest of you because I am the palest person in the family you told me I was nuts.

Mother Lime: That was to keep you in check. You already have dictatorial tendencies.

Diana: Yes, but I'd still be the most desirable Mormon wife.

Mother Lime: (snorting and trying not to veer off the road while laughing hysterically) No, dear. You are not nearly submissive and demure enough to be a conservative Mormon wife.

Diana: I'll just be the head wife and make sure my husband only marries dumb but hardworking girls so I can live in the lap of polygamous luxury.

27 comments:

tl said...

I like your kids.

:)

Dre said...

ROFL at "lap of polygamous luxury." :)

S said...

Oh man, You make me wish I had more than one kid for entertainment purposes.

Seamus said...

LMAO!!!! Lawyer potential extraordinarie - makes sure she has a seat on the debate team!

Hypersonic said...

O Dear God!!!! What have you CREATED!!!!?????


Great stuff...give us more ROFLMAO

Bsoholic said...

Hahaha! Nice.

cindra said...

Oh, dear. Can i be their agent???

Sis B said...

this got me laughing really hard. thank you. :)

RennyBA said...

Keep this conversations coming - it's great to be a fly on the wall at Lime's house LoL

MyUtopia said...

LOL, I love the double jeopardy line! What a funny kid you have.

david mcmahon said...

Wonderful post. Are your kids Aussies????!!!! And are they related to my kids????!!!!

jillie said...

Great stories. I can't wait to hear more of the upcoming year...LMAO!!!

Your daughter would make for a "real" intersting Mormon life...hahaha!

;o)

SignGurl said...

Lime, you made me snort, and more than once, or rather, your children did. They are chips off the old block.

Margee-Martha-Marsha Pick-One said...

Love Diana's comment regarding the discovery of her righteousness due to her pale skin.

I'm a former Mormon and even as a kid I thought that bit of doctrine smelled strongly of bigotry. Why, I wonder would a black person even consider joining the Mormon church?

G-Man said...

Kids do provide great post don't they?..
Have a good one Trini..xo

Beach Bum said...

Mother Lime: My dear, you should forget becoming a nurse. You should be a lawyer.

Being married to an attorney as I read that line I almost screamed out NOOOOO! Don't do that to that child.

Then I read the lines:
Diana: So for which crime will you need my services, steroid use, dog fighting or will it be a paternity suit? and

Diana: I'll just be the head wife and make sure my husband only marries dumb but hardworking girls so I can live in the lap of polygamous luxury.

And figured with potential like that she would end up as Chief Justice of the Supremes. This was a fantastic post.

snavy said...

OMG!! I love your daughter!! She is too many things!!

MONA said...

Where do they come up with such wisecracks!What do you feed them???

Diana wants maids in waiting..LOL!

Lesser wives!! :D

Tell her the order has to be in reverse in this aspect!

Pauline said...

Your kids are brill! ROFL

KFarmer said...

OMG! That was too funny~ It's a wonder your kids don't keep you in stitches all the time :)

Jeni said...

I had found your blog while bloghopping back last winter sometime, liked it, bookmarked it, came back frequently to visit it too. Then a computer crash, along with a new computer and the bookmarks were lost as I couldn't remember the name of your blog. Imagine how happy I was today when I saw on "Authorblog" that David had marked your blog there in recommended readings! You're going back up to my bookmarks and hopefully, as soon as my lazy, disorganized, procrastinating self can get it posted to my faves list on my blog itself too! Love the comments your kids make -way too funny!

tsduff said...

Man, your kids are not only extremely smart, but funny as all get out! I do agree she would do well in a debate setting with a quick and witty mind such as she has. Not even a whimper at the thought of sharing her husband? Too funny.

snowelf said...

I think Diana and Snickers are made of the same stuff!! I LOVE the phrase "dictatorial tendencies"!! I am going to have to start using that along with The Self-Appointed Dictator of the Known Universe.
My daughter would TOTALLY be the head wife. ;)

and what is up with that teach and the Diet Coke?? That's just weird!

--snow

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

Do you ever stop laughing? Your family rocks!

Boysenberry said...

Hmmm, is Diana a reflection of Mother Lime? :)

rose_michelle said...

Oh, to be a fly on the wall in your home ... I'd be forever entertained!

smilnsigh said...

Your Diana not only has a very fav name of mine, but you say she has dictatorial tendencies and said; "I'll just be the head wife and..." quote. Now, with all those sterling qualities, even if you were not seeming to be fun to read, {which of course, you are thus seeming to be} I'd still have to keep reading here. Just to see if you share any more of her Gems Of Wisdom! ,-)

So, who the hell am I and where did I drop in from? i read Rose Michelle's blog and see your cute icon pic in comments there. And you just said you like to find mail in your mail box, that isn't bills. !!!!

So on top of having produced a perfect daughter child in Diana, you sound like you like snail mail. You just keep getting more and more *perfect,* you see. So I bopped over and here I am.

I'm an often testy Nana who tries to be all-soft-and-gooey-and-sweet a lot. Sometimes I fall down on my trying. But, you can come over and take a look around, for yourself. I mean, to my 4 blogs! Sorry but I don't open the door to drop-in company in real life. lol!!!

Mari-Nanci