Wednesday, October 24, 2007

I Can't Make This Stuff Up

Some weeks I scour all my various sources for weirdness worthy of a post and still come up wanting (and you wouldn't believe the dishpan hands I come up with). Other weeks the blog gods smile benevolently upon me and deign to drop into my lap a gem of weirdness I am in turn compelled to bestow upon you all. Whatever meager offerings I have raised up to the technologically geeky muses of mirth lately must have provided sufficient appeasement (somehow I am picturing Erato chuckling over lines of code) because upon opening an email that was neither spam nor chain mail I was blessed with the following.





A hushed awe falls over the throng of pilgrims pressing forward to gape at the miracle.



I'll pause for a moment while you try to take it all in. The website assures us it is designed to accommodate the 'vast majority of bananas.' The wonder of this product fully delivering on its promises to maintain the perfection of your banana is certain to be breathtaking. I do feel a twinge of sadness for the unfortunate nanners that fall on either extremity of the bell curve though. What of the plantain? What of the tiny finger bananas? (Makes me wonder if the next product to be hawked will be a banana enhancement herb.) Are they left to fend for themselves in the cruel world of a darkened lunchbox as they are bumped and jostled by the pudding cup and ignored by the PB&J.

The New and Improved Version Two features a locking mechanism that "makes a satisfying snapping sound indicating your banana is well protected." After all, how can one truly revel in the joy of a really fine banana without assurances of the proper protection?

The site offers banana guards in Ravishing Red, Mellow Yellow, Sublime Green, Brilliant Blue, and Passionate Purple. It makes no mention of alternate materials for construction or availability of a battery pack option nor does it indicate if your Banana guard will arrive in a plain brown wrapper. However, we are assured that the new and improved model is designed with kids in mind. I'm not sure if I should be shocked or pleased by this progressive stance.

So hurry up and order your Banana Guard today because there's nothing so disappointing as anticipating that delectable treat only to find a bruised, limp, and mushy banana instead.

30 comments:

Sudiegirl said...

Ick.

That's all I have to say. Just "ick".

S said...

Get your banana guard outa the gutter, madam!


Now, I kinda like getting jostled by the pudding cup and Def ignored by the P B & J!

Top cat said...

I too searched doggedly for some weird news to post and found nothing worthy but this..THIS is sooo worthy of jaw dropping weirdness.
I'm waiting for it to appear in a As Seen On Tv commercial.lol
tc

snavy said...

The girls took bananas as their snack today.

If only I had known about this product earlier.

Do they make apple protectors too? Now, that's something I'd consider investing in.

barman said...

You are too funny and here this is a real product. I can not believe it. I personally like the Ravishing Red one but I just would.

I think you should get a commision. As a matter of fact, that link you provided says you can place your own logo on the item for a price of course. Maybe you can stick a LIME logo on it and make a fortune. I wonder if they can do simulated tie dye on a future model.

Blither said...

*blink*

is it really just for bananas ?

;)

Charles said...

Isn't there supposed to be waist string and one end open, or is this really for Musa paradisiaca?

Theresa said...

So, do you hide your banana guard with your other exciting stuff? What did Diana have to say about this?

airplanejayne said...

omigawd....

that's all -- just omigawd.....

kinky tho', eh?

lecram said...

I am shocked and chagrined at you heathens who do not protect your bananas! They need as much protection as... as... peaches do! Shocked, I tell you! (lol)

snowelf said...

Okay everyone, totally laugh your asses off, but although it's terribly sad and pathetic--I want one of these!! Really! I do! I bring a banana to school everyday and they don't fit in any container that I own, so I am constantly having to handle my book bag carefully as to not squash it! I have had some unfortunate incidences with bananas in the past... nothing worst than peeling down the hearty thick banana skin to find banana mush...

And I mean, really, who could resist a banana guard with such a satisfying snapping sound!?!!

Now...just to choose a color...

And aren't you guys somewhat curious on something--I mean, they could have made it out of that accordion-type plastic that flexes to accommodate bananas outside the bell curve. I wonder why they didn't.

--snow

lime said...

sudie, teehee

s, what gutter i just want a firm fresh banana *snort

tc, i say you an i should shoot that commercial.

snavy, don't you remember the handknit apple and pear cozies i posted about several months ago?

barman, lime banana guards...sounds kinda schizophrenic

blither, apparently

charles, if yo uare speaking of strap-ons i do in fact own an authentic papuan penis gourd

theresa, LMAO!!! she has not yet been made aware

apj, i thought you might enjoy this

lecram, fruit prophylactics eh?

snowelf, i think you just imporved upon the design and i think you should patent it!

Diesel said...

I only want it if it will keep my banana in stasis so that it doesn't get over-ripe. And maybe if I put a green banana in, it comes out ripe. Is that asking too much?

Cooper said...

Bruised, limp and mushy is never a good thing. Disappoints everybody...

Snow - there are 5 different colors - you could have a different one for each day of the week!!!!

Balou said...

oh my. I think the hubbie might have a bad day if he pulled that puppy out of his lunchbox in the lunchroom full of mechanics.

Aptly labeled too Lime...weird!

Gledwood said...

Gosh! I really thought that was some sort of sanitary protection protector/sex toy... ooo I don't wanna think aboutit at this hour of the night...

Hello my DARLING how are you? Yet again you crop up in somebody's blog at some time some place somewhere unforseen yetagainsoIputyouinmylinksatlast

did I get the right abbreviation for Pennsylvania? Where IS Pencil-vania... one stop from Transilvania, right? uh? no. ok. duh. do. poo. pee. Go.
OK.

Gledwood said...

Hey how ja like my selfportrait? At long last I finally managed to "illustrate" my illustrious name...

Gledwood said...

4give me I am slightly pissht

(translation)

which means drunken 2u

BTExpress said...

Banana guard huh? I could have sworn it was a G-spot dildo.

SignGurl said...

*fits of giggles* I'm buying the purple one for Mr. Sign.

Phaedrous said...

Dear Lime,

You deserve all of the kudos for calling the attention of blogland to this unique and useful product. Not to take away from that, but I feel compelled to confess that this wonderful tool first appeared last year in my motorcycle accessories catalog issued by an amazingly progressive company in Duluth, Minnesota. Who knew?

P.

M said...

i would like a scented banana guard because i can't stand the smell of a ripening banana...

and i'm with theresa, first thing i thought of when i saw the picture but hadn't read the text: sex toy. i thought maybe you had pulled something out of your special drawer for show and tell.

G-Man said...

Uh...How much was that again?

22 Comments on this?
hahahaha..er 23 now!

You so funny..xoxox

TUG said...

OMG...that is so funny!

gab said...

R U KIDDING?
lol who would actually buy this? What will they think of next? Oh wait dont answer that lol

lime said...

diesel, your expectations sound entirely reasonable to me

cooper, you getting a commission trying to sell snow all 5 colors?

balou, i am imagining the stunned silence and flush in hubby's cheeks now

gledwood, you would nto be the first person to assume that from seeing the product

bte, you and me both!

signgurl, lemme know if he enjoys it:P

phaed, any personal testimonials you'd like to share with regard to the miraculous banana guard?

m, truth be told i am deathly allergic to bananas so i need to be guarded form them...show and tell, bwahahaha. i love how your mind works.

gman, grinning here

tug, thanks

gab, as dave barry says, i swear i am not making this up

seventh sister said...

Do the batteries come with it? Looks like iti should have some. hehe

BTExpress said...

Naughty minds think alike Lime. :-)

Hypersonic said...

But why would you need a guard for your bana....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

Boysenberry said...

To be honest, Lime, when I first scrolled down, I didn't think it was a bananananana guard... but I think that's a reflection on how my brain is wired, rather than anything else.