Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Wedded Weirdness

We chose to have our wedding ceremony at 7pm so it would be a candlelight service. This meant the reception did not start until after 9pm. Therefore, the party was still in swing at 10:50 pm at which point the Head Elk at the Elk's Club where we held the reception informed us that in ten minutes there would be a "brief moment" during which the lights were turned out as part of some Elk ritual. He made it sound like the darkness would last mere seconds. Instead, the lights went out and a voice came over the PA system and an extended tribute was paid to "dead Elk brethren everywhere." In.the.middle.of.our.reception. It was bizarre.

On our first anniversary, Mr. Lime and I booked dinner and overnight reservations at a lovely little inn near where we lived. We were such gluttons during dinner that upon retiring to our cozy and romantic accommodations we regarded each other in our respective states of bloat and opted to roll around on the bed moaning and groaning in discomfort rather than in fits of wild passion. We watched Rudolph and Frosty on TV while waiting for digestion to progress enough to facilitate conjugation without pain.

Diana was born just five days before our second anniversary. Since I had been on bed rest for five weeks prior to her birth, had 2 days of labor before giving birth via c-section, and had only been discharged to home the day before my anniversary I had made no real plans for our anniversary. My mother came up to help me the first week home. On the day of our anniversary I was nursing the baby while laying down on the couch (c-sec bellies aren't overly fond of bearing that weight on mother's lap). When I sat up to burp the baby she not only brought up a gas bubble but the ejected every drop of what she had just ingested, thus soaking my entire left side from ear to hip. My right breast was leaking enough to soak the other side of me. Since that was only my 5th day as a nursing mother and only about the second day since my milk had come in I was not terribly adept at stanching the flow. The postpartum hormone crash was also hitting me hard, as was lack of sleep (since I thought I had to make up for 5 weeks of inactivity in 24 hours). I stood, drenched in vomit and milk, in the living room with a crying, spewing newborn and I began to sob. At that moment flowers were delivered. My mother received them as a dazed delivery man gaped at the horror before him. I assumed the flowers were congratulations for having a baby. When my mother read the card declaring they were in celebration of our anniversary my sobs turned to wailing because only then did I realize I had forgotten our anniversary. I was clearly a failure as both a wife and mother.

It was then that Mr. Lime entered, asked if I had gotten the flowers he sent and told me, "Happy Anniversary, honey!" I bawled in utter despair and sputtered in between sobs about what a terrible failure I was. Mr. Lime stood there stunned beyond words when my mother took charge and announced, " Postpartum hormone crash and lack of sleep. Don't take it personally. I will be enforcing nap time for the new mother tomorrow."

Today is our 20th anniversary. I am reasonably sure there won't be any Elks, massive bloat, or baths of milk vomit....at least I hope so.

33 comments:

misticblu said...

Let's hear it for nap time.

Happy Anniversary and I wish you many more!

Cocotte said...

Happy, Happy Anniversary! Good job making it to 20! A feat seldom reached today.

barman said...

Happy Anniversary Lime. Glad the tough anniversaries are behind you. Oh and *hugs* for your second anniversary. I feel for you how hard the must have been.

Now about those naps...

EmBee said...

Hopefully your day, er um, Evening will contain some of those 'wild fits of passion' you mentioned. Although, with kids around, 'wild fits of passion' become, what I like to refer to as 'Library Sex.' :-)

Sheri said...

Happy Anniversary! I felt so bad for you as you described your 2nd anniversary... how frustrating that must have been! All better now though. Happy 20th!

Ella said...

woohooo!! happy anniversary =) 20 years huh? he's a lucky man...lucky you haven't killed him yet :P

Craver Vii said...

Happy anniversary, Lime! 20 years? That's fantastic!! May your mutual fondness increase exponentially.

Kat said...

Hahaha! But it makes for such a good story!

I hope you have a wonderful anniversary! Congratulations on your 20 years! :)

S said...

Oh gawd, I cant wait for tomorrow.


:P

Happy Anniversary, Mr and Mrs Lime.
Get what you want today, madam!

Desmond Jones said...

Happy Anniversary to the both of you! 20 years is a testament to lots of hard work and mutual self-sacrifice, and worthy of honor. So I salute you!

And goodness - your 2nd anni. . . that was quite a 'baptism of fire'. More fun to look back on than it seemed at the time, I'm sure. . . But you paint such a gloriously pathetic picture. . .

Moannie said...

Hope it took a lot less than twenty years for you to see the funny side.

Happy anniversary to you both.

lime said...

NOTE TO ALL: It didn't take too long for me to see the humor in the horror scene that was my second anniversary. i was telling the story through laughter rather than tears well before my third anniversary.

thanks also for all the well wishes.

Phaedrous said...

Best wishes to you Limes on your anni.

Cheesy said...

You two have the sweetest day possible! Have wild monkey sex TWICE to make up for the first anniversary~ That's an ORDER!

Suldog said...

The 20th? That's a big one! Congratulations to you both, and may you have many, many more!

What's the definition of comedy? Someone slipping on a banana peel. Tragedy? YOU slipping on the banana peel. Thus, the mental picture of you standing there drenched in vomit and milk, holding a bouquet of flowers, is utterly ROTFLMAO.

Polt said...

Nap times RULE! As do funny stories about newborns. NOT at the time, of course, but now years later, they're funny. Right? It's got me cracking up. :)

Happy Anniversay.

HUGS...

airplanejayne said...

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!!

mssolitaire said...

Happy Anniversary!!!!! Wow... what an amazing start to your married life and I can totally sympathize with your emotional cry although I highly doubt you were/have been a bad wife! :P

Yay!!!! 20 years is quite an accomplishment!

Desmond Jones said...

I just wanted to add that I suspect most new mothers have had a similar experience. Molly tells how, when she came home with 1F, she kept wondering when someone was going to come and take the baby 'home', followed by the stark realization that the baby WAS home, and SHE was the Mom, and how completely inadequate she felt for this task that had been suddenly thrust upon her. Sort of, "Wait a minute, I'm not supposed to be the mom, yet. . ." I think she had her first maternal crying jag over poking 1F with a diaper pin, or something like that - her baby was crying, and in pain, and SHE HAD CAUSED IT!

Motherhood is just such a 'cosmic' thing, who could ever think they were 'up to it'?

Still, two days in, and you're covered with milk, both undigested and partially-digested. . . such a precious picture. I suppose I should've said, 'baptism by puke', rather than 'fire'. Which isn't such an inapt metaphor, now that I think about it. . .

g-man said...

Lime....?
Puke talk?
20 years with Mr. Lime?
You are doin OK Trini.......G

Bunny said...

Congratulations!

I sincerely hope that Elks, vomiting, and/or bloat are no part of auspicious date!

CozyMama said...

love your stories, nice to be reading them again.

Ameratis said...

That is absolutely fantastic Lime! Cheers to 20 years! Poor New mom Lime though that part made me go "awww bless her heart" in true southern fashion!

Breazy said...

HAPPY 20th ANNIVERSARY!!

Oh man do I remember what it was like being a new mother for the first time. How does any woman survive it? We have a couple at church that just had their first last Thursday and they are so worn out, all I can do is pray for them because with sick kids around here I am not about to go help out and risk getting the baby and the new mom sick.

~Tim said...

1 happy 2 happy 3 happy 4 happy 5 happy 6 happy 7 happy 8 happy 9 happy 10 happy 11 happy 12 happy 13 happy 14 happy 15 happy 16 happy 17 happy 18 happy 19 happy 20 happy anniversary!

citizen of the world said...

Oh, Lord,I remember those days well! Happy anniversary!

Fred said...

Congratulations to you and Mr. Lime. A great story, as usual.

Moosekahl said...

A "quiet" Anniversary might be just what is in order!

ciara said...

happy anniversary to you and mr. lime!

Cosima said...

Happy Anniversary to you and Mr. Lime!!! Have a wonderful celebration

cathy said...

20 years of marriage versus bloat and vomit....hmmm.
PUFF ME UP AND PUKE ON ME!!!

James Goodman said...

happy belated anniversary. :D

Hilary said...

Well I'm late to the party, but wanted to congratulate you on 20 years. Happy Anniversary.. with many more to come. :)