Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Interview Weirdness

A little over a week ago I was interviewed by Ella. In return I offered to interview others. Several brave people risked their very sanity to answer whatever 5 interview questions I threw at them. I gave them all original questions but all of them had one question in common. What they didn't know is that after I gave the question I decided to make it a contest of sorts. Today I am presenting you all with the responses to the common question and asking you to vote for the answer you like best. The winner will be awarded a pair of original tie-dyed socks.

Onto the question...

An evil mastermind is going to destroy the world unless you can stop him. You are armed with a spoon, a rubber chicken, a can of aquanet, and a bucket of peanuts. What is your plan?



Craver was the first to offer a solution:
Oh, that's too easy!!! Since evil masterminds can't resist monologues, I wait until he begins, then I cause a distraction by flipping the bird (the chicken of course!) and while everyone is momentarily taken aback, I use the spoon to flick peanuts to wipe out his minions, making sure I aim carefully, as I intend to eat whatever's left, then spray the aquanet in his face, emptying the entire contents. Overturning the empty peanut bucket on his head, I bang away with the empty aquanet canister until he concedes his defeat.

.I hope I get to keep the chicken when I'm done.


Next Furiousball weighed in:
Luckily the evil mastermind is an elephant with a penchant for Winger and all things 80s hair metal. Ergo, I lure him into my trap with the can of Aquanet and peanuts. Then I would distract him by throwing the spoon past his eyes, allowing me to shove the rubber chicken up his ass. Then whenever he would pass gas, this would inflate the chicken, causing him to retreat back into his jungle from the shame.

My save the world plan is based on a lot of caveats I realize… not sure if many elephants that like Winger would want to take over the world. Also, I’m not sure if elephant farts would actually inflate the rubber chicken or just shoot it out at the speed of light. I might be unknowingly arming this elephant to shoot elephant fart scented rubber chickens at innocent people.


Next Suldog shared his plan. I find it interesting to note that he and Furiousball found similar use for the rubber chicken.
OK, here’s what I’d do. I’d invite him over for dinner. I’d grind up the peanuts and put them into everything, and hope he has a severe allergy. If that doesn’t work, after dinner I’ll ask him if he wants to have sex with me.

(I’m as hetero as they come [no pun intended] but if the fate of the world is at stake, I’m willing to make some sacrifices.)

If the shock of me asking him for sex doesn’t kill him, I have another plan. Before he arrives for dinner, I will have cut a hole in the rubber chicken and sprayed the carcass full of the Aquanet, then patched it up. When he strips naked, I’ll jam the rubber chicken up his ass, light a match, and throw it at him. That ought to do the trick. Now, you're probably wondering how I would survive the resultant blast. I'll be hiding behind the spoon. You might say that's ridiculous, but you didn't specify how big the spoon had to be.

If he doesn't have a peanut allergy, or isn't interested in gay sex, I'll just whack him over the head with the really big spoon. As a matter of fact, I should probably do that first. I might not feel like cooking that night (although missing out on the chance to shove a rubber chicken up someone's butt might leave me sad. It's not often you get that sort of an opportunity.)

Cooper conjured up some interesting images with his plan, which thankfully did not involve the chicken being inserted in anyone.
Spray my entire naked body with aquanet and apply the peanuts until I am covered from head to toe. Blow up the rubber chicken and jam the handle of the spoon down it’s throat. While the mastermind is distracted by the peanut covered body, I squeeze the rubber chicken, shooting the spoon with bullet like speed so that it lodges in the forehead of a portrait of the mastermind’s pet cow, Cerberus, thus reducing the twisted genius to a quivering mass of remorse.

Next Ms. Solitaire shared a plan with a uniquely feminine twist.
First, I’ll start by training a herd of Elephants with the peanuts, they will be trained to trample what ever I designate. Designation of the stampede is by using the spoon to slingshot the rubber chicken at the evil mastermind. I’ll use the aquanet to make sure my hair looks perfect after the elephants and the slingshotting for the press and photo ops!


APJ followed with a plan that is to serve as the plot for her next show.
This is my 2010 Rogue Show, starring Apj, Lime and Solitaire. The evil Princess Solitaire has not only taken over the Rogue, but has her sights on the world as well. And if the world won't bow to her will.... But never fear! APj and Lime know of her rubber chicken and peanuts fetish (did she say "peanus"?) and are not afraid to throw peanuts her way (did she really say "peanus?")! And if all else fails, APj and Lime have the Spoon of Swoon, which always reduces the Princess to a puddle.

yes, yes, I know - I didn't use the Aquanet. Hey -- you gotta have something for the sequel, right?


Next, Barman took a shot at the evil mastermind.
It turns out that in one of Dr. Doofenshmirtz past professions we a stand up comic. I found this out about a year ago when, as fate would have it I bumped into Dr D bellied up to the bar. He was about to leave but I thought it would be a shame not to see what his story was so I slipped the waitress a fin to set a bucket of peanuts next to where I was sitting. Dr D could not help himself as he reached in an picked up a few peanuts. That lead to a few more peanuts and I capitalized on the moment and bought him a drink. It was a wild night but I found out enough to know Dr D was an inept evil wana-be.

When I realize the evil mastermind who was plotting to destroy the world was indeed Dr D I just knew I needed to be the one to do something. I planned on appealing to his vanity.

I gathered my McGuiver kit including a rubber chicken, a can of aquanet, and a spoon. It was a long shot but this just had to work.

I proceeded to the Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated lair only to find a locked door. Luckily the handle of the spoon I had was easily fashioned into a pick and I was soon inside the lair. The next part was going to be the tricky part. I planted the rubber chicken on a table in the middle of the dinning room and waited in the shadows for him to take the bait. How could a standup comedian pass this up?

An hour or two went by and I must have nodded off a few times. At long last as the sun was setting, Dr D came into the dinning room and spotted the rubber chicken. He was very curious and could not help himself. He walked over to the rubber chicken and started to do some of his old stand up routines right then and there. He was so mesmerized by that chicken that when I snuck up on him and sprayed his hair with the can of aquanet he had no idea I was doing it, that is no idea until I started to smooth down his cowlick. He quickly put down the chicken and spun to see what was happening. It was at this point that I handed him the spoon so he could see his reflection in the spoon. He was in a trance and my plan had worked. The world was saved for now.

Finally we have NYD's pulp fiction inspired response.
It was eighteen years ago to the day. I remember it clearly, who wouldn't. After all, I had saved the world. You say preposterous? You've never heard of this before? Well just sit back, refill your glass and let me fill you in on all the inane details.
It's not under the purview of the general public to be privy to the classified double top secret information of an evil mastermind society that attempts to destroy the world once every four years somewhat like the Olympics or a presidential election, but without the medals, the sweat and the pomp of the opening ceremony.
Most often the hero perishes in his defence of the world. I didn't. This is the how and the why.
The odd. The follicley challenged. The neurotic and those with a penchant for peanuts are not often received as saviors of the earth, but that is exactly what happened.
I was workin a Sunday afternoon shift in the bar and things were quiet. I was passing the time by nibbling on peanuts and making silly faces while studying my reflection on the backside of a spoon. It was at the moment when all is almost quiet. The jukebox was between songs and only the subtle whir of the overhead fan could be heard. when the eerie silence was shattered by trouble pushing through the swinging door. She was tall. She was exotic. She wore a trench coat. I thought to myself; "of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine" (Sorry Bogie). I quickly slipped the spoon into my back pocket, replaced the lid on the ginormous bucket of salty nuts and proceeded to look busy by polishing a glass that needed no polishing.
The woman sauntered up to the bar and ordered a Pellegrino. I served her a whiskey, neat. She knocked it back and asked for another, a double and I knew I was in trouble. If she was the evil genius then this time around the world was in trouble. I didn't want to destroy her- I wanted to join her. The forces of evil had chosen well.
I had to find a way to prevent her from transferring the vital final information to her minions. I had to think fast. I remembered that the bartender from previous night had left a can of hairspray the infamous brand called Aquanet on a shelf in the locker room. This gave me an idea. I filled the she devil's glass once again and lifting the bucket of nuts I told her I needed to refill the bucket for the evenings festivities.
Making my way into the back I kept up a steady stream of patter while at the same moment I whipped out the spoon from my back pocket and punctured the can of hairspray with the back end of it. I then jammed the can of Aquanet into the bucket of salty, thirst inducing goober beans.
Returning to the bar, I challenged my nemesis to a game of chance. For every peanut she caught I would pay her the price of a drink or pour her one. Being an egomaniac destroyer of worlds who looked at the rest of us as nothing more than insects, she could hardly refuse my offer. I made the first few fairly easy to bolster her feelings of superiority, but then I started to make things more and more difficult by firing the hairspray covered peanuts from my spoon in rapid succession into her inviting mouth. After a few minutes of this she was way up on the count. Her ego wouldn't let her believe that a simple bartender could be tricking her. In a short time the hair spray had done it's job. She was unable to either swallow the nuts I had fired into her mouth nor could she expectorate for the glue that has held up the hairdos of millions of American women throughout three decades of beehive bouffants and Farrah Fawcett look alike styling would not allow any movement from her molars. My timing could not have been more perfect for just as the enamel was setting; her contact was coming throughout the door. As he ordered a bottle of Amstel Light I reached under the counter and pulled out the lead filled rubber chicken that was kept there for comedy self defense. I just happened to be teaching a class at the local university for nerds who needed protection and had reason to carry the innocuous object. Holding the bottle of beer in one hand I swung the chicken through the air not once, but twice! On the first stroke I laid out the contact. The second felled the girl. I carried her to the back room and alerted the agency. They arrived and took the man away. The world was saved with one stroke of my chicken (cough). As for the girl? Well let's just say she woke up next to a bartender and had a mouthful of nuts to chew on.

A spoon, a rubber chicken, a can of Aquanet, and a bucket of peanuts. is all you need to save the world and find a girl.





The poll is open until Friday at 11:00 pm Eastern time.

Good luck to all you wacky heroes!

25 comments:

Cocotte said...

I had to go with Suldog and the peanut allergy idea. Because I seem to know an inordinate number of people claiming food allergies.

barman said...

What a great idea. I cast my vote. Now I know what your evil plan was with that interview question. Nice. How could you not go for NYD's story with all the wonderful details?

g-man said...

Aquanet...?
I voted for Bryan and his thesis.

Mona said...

Great stories all! I guess NYD has my vote because his story can be played out ( By Danny Boyle?)

NYD said...

I'll just go ahead and vote for you, Lime. You are the Evil mastermind who tricked us all into going along with your master plan. If you ever decide to take over the world I'm in.

P.S. I still have some leftover peanuts.

Suldog said...

Oh, man! A pair of tie-died socks from Lime is the prize? I am honored to even be included!

Phyllis said...

Hi,

I couldn't find your email address so will leave a comment.

When sewing your flannel quilt pieces together, you'll need to pin them and not push or pull the fabric at all. I didn't pin my pieces, and I think it would have helped a lot if I had.

I want to see pictures of the progress :)

Thanks for stopping by my blog, btw!

Jazz said...

It was a toss up between Suldog and Ms. Solitaire. But she got me with the photo ops.

Moannie said...

What a fantastic comic talent lives in our blogland. I enjoyed them all but had to give my vote to NYD.

Craver Vii said...

The answers were all fun to read, and although I would love to frame and display them socks... c'mon-- I'd wear a tie-dyed tee-shirt but socks?!! Anyway, NYD's response hit the inspiration jackpot!

Congrats, NYD! And thanks, Lime! It was an honor to be interviewed. :-)

S said...

I cast my vote for Barman because I never saw that coming from him. I am completely impressed, and I think we oughta nag him to write ALOT more.

Well, perhaps with some inspiration like rubber chicken stuffing, aquanet and stuff like that, he will be motivated to write more.

All brilliant stories!

Now Missy, I have to tell you, that when I saw the word CONTEST, I was reminded of a certain time when I had a contest and someone botched it by cheating.
So of course, my mind went straight to revenge.

:>
If I can find a way, I will get even with you. Maybe not this contest, but one day....
One day...
One day...



I still owe you:P

Desmond Jones said...

Wow. . .

I voted for Barman. Because he invoked McGyver, and us Michigan guys need to stick together.

And APJ, you made me laugh. . . a friend's MIL was notorious for dropping the 't' from the plural of 'peanuts'; and being completely oblivious to what she was saying. . . (much like Molly's mom says 'Lake Huron' without the 'H'. . .)

But I am oddly disturbed by all of the references to rubber chickens being shoved up asses. Or naked bodies being covered with peanuts. . .

VE said...

God I'm glad I wasn't interviewed. I don't ever want to compete with NYD! These were all amazing. I hope they all washed their hands after handling those peanuts...the recall is still going strong you know...

Breazy said...

I liked them all but cast my vote for Barman because I wasn't expecting the final outcome of his plan.

Have a good day!

lecram said...

Since I know 2 of the candidates personally... I'll pass on the voting. :) I have to say though that all the answers are quite inspired.

Is there going to be an awards ceremony with paparazzi?

(M)ary said...

awesome! this is fun. hey, i liked ms solitaire's answer. can i convince anyone else to vote for ms solitaire?

misticblu said...

INSANE!!!! I have been lurking ever since lime, and this is he best yet!!!

Cooper because he/she worked "naked" into the story!!!!!

Ella said...

OH
MY
WORD...

This is the FUNNIEST post I've read in a long time! Great job and kudo's to everyone!

Jocelyn said...

These are amazing responses. Of course, because I have a soft spot for Van, I had to vote FB. Plus, he referenced Winger, and there is no easier way to win a contest when I'm voting.

Unless you reference Poison.

mssolitaire said...

hahahahahaha!!! I had no idea we'd get into a contest!!! LOL... Ok so I couldn't vote for myself although I think the aquanet usage in my story is the bestest! ;) What wonderful ways to save the world!!! Awesome post!

coopernicus said...

all right!! tied for last place!!!

barman said...

Cooper, maybe we should all turn tails and become minions. If we could convince NYD to become the evil master mind NO ONE COULD STOP US!

Craver Vii said...

What the heck?! Someone voted for me, and spoiled my firm grip on last place?? ...Mom????

barman said...

Congratulations NYD.

NYD said...

Thanks to all who voted for me, but I think I won this on the Stephen King clause - It's not how well you write, you just have to make the book feel heavy by being verbose and loquatious.

I think getting covered in Aquanet and rolling yourself in peanuts is a much better way to save the world!