Sunday, February 05, 2012

Whoopdee Do! It's the Sooper Dooper Bowl

Once upon a time, in a land around the corner, Lime co-authored another blog called Insane Asylime.  It was a short-lived humor blog focusing on the trials and tribulations of a couple of mothers.  Here then is a brief re-posting (with some edits) from there regarding my feelings about the annual nonsense known as the Super Bowl from lo, those many years ago.



FOOTBALL as defined by Lime
Unnaturally large men in pads and spandex crashing into each other and chasing an improperly shaped ball while artificially buxom women with unnaturally small waists in impossibly small outfits jump up and down in excitement over the aforementioned men and their balls.


SUPERBOWL as defined by Lime
A media event during which large corporations pay scam artist marketers obscene amounts of money to cook up lies about their products and services and then spend more than the GDP of some third world nations for 60 seconds of airtime to perpetrate such fraud on the viewing public. In my opinion a true Super Bowl would be a fully elf-cleaning toilet.


LIME'S RESPONSE TO THE HYPE
If I have to endure this absurd event there better be some really fine chocolate involved and all the testosterone flowing better result in some  mind-alteringly excellent marital conjugation later on.


A HISTORY
Once we were invited to three different Superbowl parties. After much discussion we chose one of them. Even so, about an hour before kickoff, Calypso was going to need to be dropped off elsewhere as she was attending elsewhere. We went to the mutually agreed upon party. Mr. Lime then took the child to her party a couple hours later AND FAILED TO RETURN to the mutually agreed upon party. I was stranded in a smoke filled environment and had to track him down whereupon he was discovered to be in attendance at one of the OTHER parties to which we had declined an invitation. He had the audacity to be annoyed when I asked him to come pick me up and take me home (I was having an asthma attack due to the thick cloud of cigarette and cigar smoke and my inhaler was in the car). I suggested atonement for abandonment might involve sending me here and helping me achieve multiple orgasms every night for a month. I said was willing to accept a proxy of my choosing in his stead should he have preferred not to fulfill conjugal obligations.

In years after that particular debacle I played the good sport and continued to attend Super Bowl parties where I entertained myself with such exciting pursuits as herding small children, cleaning the host's kitchen, lobster claw puppetry, and championship Doritos stacking. I tried taking a book to read but this was considered seriously deviant and anti-social behavior.  Finally, I came to my senses and decided it was idiotic to torment myself with attending these affairs when I was the only one in attendance who didn't care even a tiny bit about the game. (Actually, apathy might have been considered an improvement in my opinion of football.)  If I stayed home while the football fans attended I didn't have to feign interest or behave in socially appropriate ways for a group setting.  I have enjoyed myself on SuperBowl Sunday ever since.  Tomorrow: How I Entertained Myself or I Prefer the Company of Dead People to Football Fans.

12 comments:

Beach Bum said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beach Bum said...

I enjoy football but like any other event hyped far beyond reason and sanity I tend to avoid it if at all possible.

Bijoux said...

I'm with you. I really could not care less about any of it. My son invited his youth group over last night for a party. It was funny to me how NONE of the kids really cared about the game (and this was high school boys). They were quite impressed with my Oreo cupcakes, however!

G-Man said...

How do you really feel?

Craig said...

". . .all the testosterone flowing better result in some mind-alteringly excellent marital conjugation later on. . ."

"I suggested atonement for abandonment might involve . . . helping me achieve multiple orgasms every night for a month. . ."


Boy, now there's a couple of ultimatums that I'd love to be handed sometime. . .

Suldog said...

I think the entire thing would be livened up if the two ultimatums quoted by Craig could somehow be worked into the nationally-televised halftime show.

Craig said...

@Suldog - Well, you know, we might never have a better opportunity than we had last night, with Madonna performing. . .

Altho, sheesh. . . the woman is damn near my age, for heaven's sake. . .

coopernicus said...

what do you mean artificial???

I'm crushed...

Craig said...

And. . . there's only one ball, you know. . .

;)

silly rabbit said...

Ha!

Secret Agent Woman said...

Not for me! I am bored to tears by football.

Jocelyn said...

I generally find out about Super Bowl Sunday sometime the evening after the game. What. Ever.

Hey, so Paco wants to come to PA to tour the Hershey Factory. As we contemplate an east-coast summer road trip, it seems possible. Hmmmmm!!!