Deathbed Confessions

I just read an article on Yahoo! about a man whose obituary contained all sorts of confessions regarding pranks he'd played throughout his lifetime.  I thought that was a fantastic idea so I am using it as blog fodder and making a few confessions of my own.  Some of them are even true.

#1
I did not put the bomp in the bomp de bomp de bomp but I did put the ram in the ramalama ding dong.  And I have to say it was quite a challenge because the ding dong was 3 sizes too small for the ramalama.  Have you ever tried to put 10 pounds of ramalama in a 5 pound ding dong?  Let me tell you, it makes a pregnant Snooki in a tube top look demure by comparison.


#2
The thermometer I broke when I was 10 and stayed home sick by myself was not broken because I was trying to shake down the mercury and I accidentally banged it on the counter.  I used a match to see how high I could make it go and it exploded.



#3
I did not write the book of love but I did compose the haiku of hate.

The turd broke my heart
Vengeance is mine, said the scorned
Flaming bag of poo


#4
I cannot tell a lie.  I ripped down the Magic Johnson poster that hung on the wall over our marital bed.  Sufficient comfort for satisfactory conjugal relations under a life-sized image of the guy (whose nickname sounds like the name for a sex-toy) going for a lay-up with his tongue hanging out had become....difficult.  It was all just too damn weird.

#5
Mr. K, I cheated on the timed test for multiplication facts in 4th grade and you didn't catch me.  When you made Artie, David, and me stay inside for recess to write sentences repudiating our respective crimes, for which we were caught, I licked every pen in the your desk.  Seriously, one thousand sentences for stating what every kid in the entire class thought of your pompous, overbearing self and I had to stay inside and write sentences instead of freezing my ass off during recess for the month of January?  Don't make me laugh.  The other kids envied the three of us who were inside.  When the you left the room we did all sorts of stuff.  David rubbed his bare ass all over your grade book and Artie smeared his boogers on your chair.  In retrospect, I should have also peed in your coffee mug.  It's the least you deserved for literally almost killing me by refusing to let me go to the nurse's office until I finished the spelling test even though I was experiencing anaphylaxis.

#6
I shot J.R. and given that Dallas is back on T.V. I am considering doing it again.

#7
To answer the questions I have consistently declined to respond to....16, never on a Sunday, 2, under the right conditions, hell no, 13.25^2, and plain old vegetable oil.