Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Deathbed Confessions

I just read an article on Yahoo! about a man whose obituary contained all sorts of confessions regarding pranks he'd played throughout his lifetime.  I thought that was a fantastic idea so I am using it as blog fodder and making a few confessions of my own.  Some of them are even true.

I did not put the bomp in the bomp de bomp de bomp but I did put the ram in the ramalama ding dong.  And I have to say it was quite a challenge because the ding dong was 3 sizes too small for the ramalama.  Have you ever tried to put 10 pounds of ramalama in a 5 pound ding dong?  Let me tell you, it makes a pregnant Snooki in a tube top look demure by comparison.

The thermometer I broke when I was 10 and stayed home sick by myself was not broken because I was trying to shake down the mercury and I accidentally banged it on the counter.  I used a match to see how high I could make it go and it exploded.

I did not write the book of love but I did compose the haiku of hate.

The turd broke my heart
Vengeance is mine, said the scorned
Flaming bag of poo

I cannot tell a lie.  I ripped down the Magic Johnson poster that hung on the wall over our marital bed.  Sufficient comfort for satisfactory conjugal relations under a life-sized image of the guy (whose nickname sounds like the name for a sex-toy) going for a lay-up with his tongue hanging out had become....difficult.  It was all just too damn weird.

Mr. K, I cheated on the timed test for multiplication facts in 4th grade and you didn't catch me.  When you made Artie, David, and me stay inside for recess to write sentences repudiating our respective crimes, for which we were caught, I licked every pen in the your desk.  Seriously, one thousand sentences for stating what every kid in the entire class thought of your pompous, overbearing self and I had to stay inside and write sentences instead of freezing my ass off during recess for the month of January?  Don't make me laugh.  The other kids envied the three of us who were inside.  When the you left the room we did all sorts of stuff.  David rubbed his bare ass all over your grade book and Artie smeared his boogers on your chair.  In retrospect, I should have also peed in your coffee mug.  It's the least you deserved for literally almost killing me by refusing to let me go to the nurse's office until I finished the spelling test even though I was experiencing anaphylaxis.

I shot J.R. and given that Dallas is back on T.V. I am considering doing it again.

To answer the questions I have consistently declined to respond to....16, never on a Sunday, 2, under the right conditions, hell no, 13.25^2, and plain old vegetable oil.


silly rabbit said...

Hahahahaha... love the haiku!

Mr.K deserves a haiku too. =:]

Beach Bum said...

I shot J.R. and given that Dallas is back on T.V. I am considering doing it again.

In my dreams I will be there to comfort Sue Ellen in her sadness. Or party with her if the old goat's death makes her happy.

Daryl Edelstein said...

I hope that #5 is true .. you are my heroine

Anonymous said...

I love the haiku of hate. LOVE. IT.

Craig said...

You. . . you tore down the Magic Johnson poster?

You know, I've often thought that it was no wonder the young man (who is only a couple years younger than me) came down with HIV, when a local sportswriter handed him an all-time great pickup line, for free -

"Wanna find out why they call me 'Magic Johnson'?"

And, uh - Mr. K. . . really? He rubbed his bare ass on his grade book? His mother would be so proud. . .

Tabor said...

What a fun read as I catch up on my blogs! I used to be a teacher and probably quit because I never knew kids could be so devilish.

Kat said...

Hehe! Love it. :)

Craver Vii said...

Cool. We had an Anna Phylaxis in our class, too.

G-Man said...

Like the Phoenix....
JR has risin from the ashes!!!!
You better do some target practice Trini...:P:P:P

lime said...

silly rabbit, mr k deserve a swift kick in the ass

beach bum, i wish you the time of your llife with sue ellen

daryl, yep, tis true

haphazard, feel free to inscribe it in a card

craig, uh, yeah, it was seriously cramping my style. and yes, david rubbed his ass on the grade book

tabor, mr k deserved it. he was a horror of a man

kat, so glad

craver, she must be my long lost sister

gman, oh you know i have a dead eye ;)

Suldog said...

Wow. #7, your answers? ME, TOO!!!

Well, OK, to be truthful, 17.

Secret Agent Woman said...

#1 sounds quite obscene. But then, so does having a basketball poster over your bed after you're married.

You know, I never saw Dallas until I watched it in re-runs in Saudi Arabia.

lime said...

suldog, wow! i didn't know we had so much in common! 17 though? i'm shocked!

secret agent woman, the poster at the foot of the bed was unbearable. truly.

Craig said...

OK, OK. . . even tho he and I shared a college gampus for a couple years, back in the day (I'd say we were fellow-alums, but I kinda don't think we are. . .), I wouldn't want a Magic Johnson poster hanging over my marital bed, either. Don't need those kind of word-associations going thru my wife's head. . .

But. . . true confession. . . we do have a poster of Albert Einstein hanging over our bed. In the poster, Dr. Einstein has a bemused look on his face, and the caption reads, "Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love." You know, a little physicist humor, there. . .

And, uh, WD-40. That's the answer for just about everything. . .

Hilary said...

I always knew not to piss off a waitress.. just in case. I had no idea about students in your company. That's a hoot.

~Tim said...

I was going to say I would be ever so grateful if you [or somebody, anybody] would shoot JR, but the fact is I find it much easier to ignore/avoid any and all Dallas hype this time around.

The best T-shirt I saw during that long-ago summer said, "I don't give a rat's ass who shot JR"

Still, I feel I somehow should have known it was you.