Overheard on Vacation

Upon arrival, I was greeted by my dad and step mom. As we sat on the porch the first night we heard a neighbor's cat meowing.

Dad: That cat has the biggest gaping asshole I've ever seen on a cat in my life!

Me: Well, I know a couple of people who qualify as gaping assholes but you're saying you inspect cat's asses frequently?

Dad: No, but that one's hard to miss. (making a gesture with his hands indicating a circle with the rough diameter of a dinner plate)

Step mom: (stroking one of their two cats) Well, our little girl here has a horizontal butt hole. It's strange but very cute.

Me: (face palming) Please tell me I am not on vacation and actually discussing the aesthetics of cat ass....

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One day when Dad was running an errand in his convertible.

Dad: You want to come along for the ride?

Me: I'll pass. If I have to get out of the car that requires me to be wearing a bra and underwear. I'm just not willing to expend that level of energy to be presentable.

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Although I returned home yesterday in a car with no AC during the heat of a day that reached a brain melting 100 degrees, when I initially arrived at my destination there was a chill to the air and the local water. That day I opted merely to read at water's edge rather than dip even a toe. The wind still began to whip a bit and cause a bit of shivering. Finally, it became a bit more than was tolerable in bathing suits.

Dad: I think there are icicles hanging from my balls!

Me: I'm pretty sure I could cut glass with my nipples.

And now you know where I get it from.