The Plumber is Cracked

Remember this post when I showed the demolition of my bathroom and said it would look that way and worse for some time to come?  Yeah, that was the beginning of January.  It's now April and still not done.  I'm getting a wee tad desperate here.  I think the project is beginning to affect Mr. Lime's brain though.  Allow me to share.

I mentioned on Facebook a couple nights ago that I thought he may be spending too much time alone with pipes because I overheard him speaking to fixtures and pipes saying, "Come on, baby!  Oh yeah!  You're a dream come true!"  I thought if I dabbed some pipe dope behind my ears it may elicit some passionate encouragement directed at me.

We selected a shower, vanity, toilet, and tile and Mr. Lime has installed the shower.  Since the medicine cabinet just came in he said we needed to go get a light fixture and I wanted to get some paint chips to coordinate with a tile sample.  On the way to the store he complained the vanity being made in China, as were many other bathroom components.  I held up the porcelain tile square remaking that it had been made in USA.  I thought about it a moment and added that I thought porcelain may have been invented in China. 

Mr. Lime huffed, "The Chinese invented EVERYTHING....well...except for Velcro.  The aliens gave us that."

I asked, "Stonehenge, crop circles, and Velcro, huh?  All the works of extraterrestrials?"

He responded, "Definitely."

There ya have it, folks.  I thought my sanity was at stake in this whole process but it's clear his cheese has already slipped off his cracker.

I thought better of asking if Bigfoot worked in carpentry and the Loch Ness Monster was in HVAC.

...Everywhere Are Signs...

My commute generally runs between 45 minutes to an hour.  It's not my favorite part of the day.  I have to amuse myself somehow so I don't roll into work in a crappy mood.  I've listened to comedy recordings since I began cancer treatment so I would not be consumed with worry before those doctor visits.  I decided if they got me through that, they could get me through a daily commute.  Some days, however, the comedy writes itself in the things I observe along the road.

There's been rather a lot of construction along my route.  As you'd imagine it slows things more than normal rush hour traffic.  It adds a lot of signage too.

One day as I was crawling along in bumper to bumper traffic I came across this sign.  I was feeling tense from avoiding impatient maniacs on the road so I thought, "Great!  I could really use a good shoulder massage.  My traps are so tight!"

I wasn't concerned about penalties.  I have worked with several very professional massage therapists so I know proper draping prevents any unintentional flashing.  I was getting excited now.  I'd be so relaxed by the time I arrived at work nothing would rattle me.

Then I saw this sign.  Wait!  What?  Back up just a second here! No one even started on my shoulders yet!  Way to get me anticipating  some relaxation then make me do a U-turn.  I was feeling as if false promises had been made and I was none too happy about it.

Fortunately I passed this sign.  So I guess all hope of some sort of help unwinding wasn't lost.

Literary Criticism

Isaac is "enjoying" his first high school English class this year.  He's actually in the honors section.  I made sure he'd be in that section because the teacher is so excellent. She's quirky, intense, and demands the best effort from her students.  In return she gives her students an excellent foundation.  Both Diana and Calypso had the same teacher for the same class and it served them well although at the time they thought the experience was a thing to be endured. Over the course of this school year it's been amusing to hear the three kids comparing notes about their experiences in this class.

D: Whaddya think of the lit circles?

I: I noticed if I can connect something in the passage to death she loves it.

C: Yeah, always go for death.  It makes her very happy.  She's totally fixated on death.

D: You reading Poe yet?

I: Yeah,  Fall of the House of Usher was pretty cool.  Right now though we are beating The Bells to death.

M: That poem has my favorite word in it.  Tintinabulation.

D, C, & I: (blank stares from all three)  Mom, you are so weird.

Me: What?  It's a fun word.

I: Yeah it is kind of a fun word.  I think I'd enjoy Poe more if we didn't pour over a single story for 2 weeks at a time though.  Just draws it out and makes it boring.  But there is NOTHING that's going to make me like the Puritan writers.  Reading them just makes me want to stab myself in the neck.


Well, maybe if he merely dramatized the effect the Puritans have on him the teacher might be impressed with the suggestion of death.

Meme in the Blank

Her Majesty, Queen Mimi of Memes has requested we fill in the blanks this week. The Grand high Exalted Mystic Empress Lime shall do so in the parentheses.

1. If I never see (my father-in-law picking at his empty eye socket) again it will be too soon.

2. Should I meet my Maker tomorrow, I would ask for one more day on earth to (make a meter to measure meek maters).

3. Never in my life have I (wished I were an Oscar Meyer wiener) like I did today.

4. I should always allow more time to (smell and stop the roses).

5. I should've never listened to (Barry Manilow) while under the influence of (early pubescent mood swings).

6. I never (have accidents) in my car but I should always carry (clean underwear) with me just in case.

7. I should spend more money on (bobs & johns) because it makes me happy. I should spend less money on (bills) because it makes me sad.

8. (Chewed bubble gum, the same piece of toilet paper, Neil Diamond, Ebola, the list is endless really) should never be shared with strangers.

9. I should tell (you) that I never really meant to (imply Neil Diamond resembles a deadly virus and used Charmin or gum because a more apt comparison would be having teeth drilled while listening to fingernails on a chalkboard) .

10. Never in a million years would I want you to know (what a slug smoothie tastes like).