The Evidence

Diana had a friend over on Saturday. This is not unusual except that it was a male friend (here is where Calypso and Isaac make kissing noises and bat their eyes). Diana met this boy as a member of the rifle team, which is co-ed. Diana is a freshman, this boy is a senior. Diana is generally a smart kid, an astute observer, an accurate judge of people and situations. Hormones are dulling these skills just a teensy bit. She swears this boy is 'just a friend.' Everytime she does so I manage not to laugh in her face but she tells me I display the 'smirk of death,' which she finds completely unnerving. Now, Diana is nothing if she is not unflappable. That my innocent little 'smirk of death' sends her into utter hysterics is the first bit of evidence that she is either in complete denial or is blowing smoke up my ass. (May I confess to being delighted that my smirk blows her circuitry....after all this is the kid who told me at the age of 3 1/2 that she would not use the potty because 1) God didn't want her too and 2) She didn't want me to control her.)

Allow me to present further evidence. Ladies and gentlemen of the blogosphere, I submit to you the giggle. Diana is NOT a giggler. She never has been. She cackles maniacally. She laughs derisively. She guffaws heartily. She does not giggle girlishly...UNTIL..making the acquaintaince of the boyfriend in question. Suddenly, nervous titters emanate from this child whenever she receives a phone call or mentions the name of the boyfriend in question.

Exhibit 2 is the body language. Upon arriving at the scene of rifle practice I observed, while my presence was undetected, Diana and the boyfriend in question apart from the rest of the group. She was sitting on the steps. He was laying with his head in her lap as she stroked his hair and beamed with enough wattage to power our municipality. At other times the positions have been reversed. As she made the assertion that the two are 'only friends' I inquired if she was in the practice of assuming that particular position with all of her other male friends. For probably only the second time in her life she was utterly speechless.

Do we need more evidence, ladies and gentlemen? May I submit the testimony of Diana's friends. They have referred to him within my earshot as 'Diana's boyfriend.' Diana herself has reported the shock her friends display when she denies any romantic interest in the boyfriend in question. 'Mom, they all think we are boyfriend and girlfriend! Can you believe that?' 'Sweetheart, I am shocked to think that sneaking off alone during rifle practice and being found in a lingering embrace could EVER give anyone such an idea!' (insert smirk of death)

The next bit of evidence is the nervous demeanor of the boyfriend in question. As I mentioned, he came to visit this weekend. When I answered the door I thought he'd have a heart attack on the spot. I offered my hand, welcomed him in and he stood there trembling and barely able to make eye contact. When he was just about ready to leave, Diana came upstairs to relay the message that the boyfriend in question did not know how to appropriately take his leave. She informed me that he had spent the last 10 minutes trying out departing phrases on her and finally asked her to inquire as to how best to say goodbye. Diana also informed me that the boyfriend in question was scared to death of me. Ladies and gentlemen of the blogosphere, does this strike you as the behavior of a mere friend who happens to be of a different gender or does it resemble the behavior of an intimidated suitor? (And may I add how delighted that all 5'4" of me can put the fear of God into an 18 year old boy?)

Finally, I will offer my last piece of evidence. The Blush. When it came time for the boyfriend in question to depart, Diana accompanied him to his vehicle. After a rather lengthy absence she returned inside and came to the kitchen to speak to me. I asked rather nonchalantly, 'Was the goodbye kiss any good?' Diana proceeded to display upon her cheeks every known shade of red and pink, and perhaps a few previously unknown ones. I displyed the smirk of death.

If you'd like to see the 'Application to date my daughter' check Insane Asylime.