I had a groovy little news item all set to use for today's Weird Wednesday then I went to the doctor's yesterday (periodic check on Janita....crap I didn't want to hear but, whaddaya gonna do?) The doc was running way behind and I had to sit for two hours before they ever took me in. If I had to sit there for two hours and have my whole schedule for the day completely trashed I have to say it was a really entertaining two hours. I do have other suggestions for how to amuse yourself during a long wait in a a doctor's office but I didn't need them today. It was people watching heaven.
In an orthopedist's office there are various people in quite obvious states of disrepair and reassembly. The office was completely filled too. I took the last available seat. In my section there was a teenage boy with a casted hand, a married couple (we shall refer to as George and Gert) where the wife had a c-collar and was clearly lacking use of one hand, a couple of nondescript folks, and a middle-aged single woman (we shall refer to as Tina).
Tina had a very inquisitive nature, very few inhibitions, and a very loud voice. I'm pretty sure her lack of inhibitions were the result of some after effects of an injury she sustained and I am in no way making fun of her. Allow me to relate my favorite snippets of conversation from the 2 hour wait.
Tina: (to teenage boy) What did you do to your hand?
Boy: Broke my thumb.
Tina: How the hell do ya break a thumb? Did it hurt like hell? What a weird thing to break.
Boy: I was skateboarding. Yeah it hurt but not too bad.
Tina: A thumb is a crazy thing to break. I sure never heard of that before.
George: My friend broke both his thumbs at the same time.
Tina: You're putting me on. Both thumbs? How the hell did he wipe his butt if he had two casts?
George: Good question. I never asked.
Tina: That had to hurt like hell and I wanna know how he wiped his butt. (regarding Gert) Is that your wife? What happened to her?
Gert: Yes, I'm his wife. I was in a car accident.
Tina: Did you run a stop sign or something? You're a mess.
Gert: I don't remember what happened. I woke up a month later.
Tina: So you blacked out huh? Yeah, I ran into a wall. I blacked out. I don't remember what happened until I was in the ambulance.
George: Walls are bad to run into.
Tina: Yeah, they had to operate on my spine. That round thing in my spine. What is it?
Gert: A disk?
Tina: Yeah, a disk. Wanna see the scar? (walking to Gert, lifting her shirt, leaning in real close so Gert is sure not to miss)
Gert: That's a beaut.
Tina: You got any like that?
Gert: A few but I'm not showing you.
Tina: My surgeon was brilliant. I mean tops. Not like my OB/GYN who is awful. You know I went for one of those Pap tests. I dunno what the hell he was doing but I thought he was gonna split me wide open.
Me: (Looking up from my book which I have been reading as I discretely eavesdrop...yeah, sue me...I was there for two hours and did I mention Tina was LOUD? It would have been impossible NOT to eavesdrop. I am exchanging glances with George and Gert now as if to say, 'I sure hope she doesn't have any scars down there she wants to display.' Quickly diving back into the pages so I don't snicker when the meaning is tacitly understood)
Tina: You two have kids?
George: Yes, six, plus a couple extras we got along the way.
Tina: Six kids??? Extras? You're kidding? Why extras?
George: Well, in case we loose any of the originals.
Tina: Oh, you're being silly now. (to Gert) Do you really have six kids plus extras?
Gert: Yes we do.
Tina: (Extra loud) Well, I guess we know what you two like to do in your spare time!
George: (Grinning ear to ear)
Gert: (Bowing her head slightly and covering her eyes with her hand)
Boy: (Slaps his good hand over his mouth)
Me: (Desperately trying to stifle guffaws. In so doing I am shaking so hard I am pretty sure the tremors are being recorded on any seismic detectors in the area. Holding book up high to hide my face as tears roll down my cheeks because I know if I let so much as one squeak out I am going to fall out of my chair and split a gut laughing. I foolishly dare to make eye contact with George and Gert once I think I've regained a degree of composure. He is still grinning like the cat that got the bird and she is rolling her eyes.)
Tina: I need a man like that but he's gotta let me alone when I wanna be let alone.
Me: (Devastating aftershocks ensue....I'm dying. You'll be happy to know I remained silent but I think there was a crack in the building foundation as a result of my shaking)