Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Overheard in the Waiting Room

I had a groovy little news item all set to use for today's Weird Wednesday then I went to the doctor's yesterday (periodic check on Janita....crap I didn't want to hear but, whaddaya gonna do?) The doc was running way behind and I had to sit for two hours before they ever took me in. If I had to sit there for two hours and have my whole schedule for the day completely trashed I have to say it was a really entertaining two hours. I do have other suggestions for how to amuse yourself during a long wait in a a doctor's office but I didn't need them today. It was people watching heaven.

In an orthopedist's office there are various people in quite obvious states of disrepair and reassembly. The office was completely filled too. I took the last available seat. In my section there was a teenage boy with a casted hand, a married couple (we shall refer to as George and Gert) where the wife had a c-collar and was clearly lacking use of one hand, a couple of nondescript folks, and a middle-aged single woman (we shall refer to as Tina).

Tina had a very inquisitive nature, very few inhibitions, and a very loud voice. I'm pretty sure her lack of inhibitions were the result of some after effects of an injury she sustained and I am in no way making fun of her. Allow me to relate my favorite snippets of conversation from the 2 hour wait.

Tina: (to teenage boy) What did you do to your hand?

Boy: Broke my thumb.

Tina: How the hell do ya break a thumb? Did it hurt like hell? What a weird thing to break.

Boy: I was skateboarding. Yeah it hurt but not too bad.

Tina: A thumb is a crazy thing to break. I sure never heard of that before.

George: My friend broke both his thumbs at the same time.

Tina: You're putting me on. Both thumbs? How the hell did he wipe his butt if he had two casts?

George: Good question. I never asked.

Tina: That had to hurt like hell and I wanna know how he wiped his butt. (regarding Gert) Is that your wife? What happened to her?

Gert: Yes, I'm his wife. I was in a car accident.

Tina: Did you run a stop sign or something? You're a mess.

Gert: I don't remember what happened. I woke up a month later.

Tina: So you blacked out huh? Yeah, I ran into a wall. I blacked out. I don't remember what happened until I was in the ambulance.

George: Walls are bad to run into.

Tina: Yeah, they had to operate on my spine. That round thing in my spine. What is it?

Gert: A disk?

Tina: Yeah, a disk. Wanna see the scar? (walking to Gert, lifting her shirt, leaning in real close so Gert is sure not to miss)

Gert: That's a beaut.

Tina: You got any like that?

Gert: A few but I'm not showing you.

Tina: My surgeon was brilliant. I mean tops. Not like my OB/GYN who is awful. You know I went for one of those Pap tests. I dunno what the hell he was doing but I thought he was gonna split me wide open.

Me: (Looking up from my book which I have been reading as I discretely eavesdrop...yeah, sue me...I was there for two hours and did I mention Tina was LOUD? It would have been impossible NOT to eavesdrop. I am exchanging glances with George and Gert now as if to say, 'I sure hope she doesn't have any scars down there she wants to display.' Quickly diving back into the pages so I don't snicker when the meaning is tacitly understood)

Tina: You two have kids?

George: Yes, six, plus a couple extras we got along the way.

Tina: Six kids??? Extras? You're kidding? Why extras?

George: Well, in case we loose any of the originals.

Tina: Oh, you're being silly now. (to Gert) Do you really have six kids plus extras?

Gert: Yes we do.

Tina: (Extra loud) Well, I guess we know what you two like to do in your spare time!

George: (Grinning ear to ear)

Gert: (Bowing her head slightly and covering her eyes with her hand)

Boy: (Slaps his good hand over his mouth)

Me: (Desperately trying to stifle guffaws. In so doing I am shaking so hard I am pretty sure the tremors are being recorded on any seismic detectors in the area. Holding book up high to hide my face as tears roll down my cheeks because I know if I let so much as one squeak out I am going to fall out of my chair and split a gut laughing. I foolishly dare to make eye contact with George and Gert once I think I've regained a degree of composure. He is still grinning like the cat that got the bird and she is rolling her eyes.)

Tina: I need a man like that but he's gotta let me alone when I wanna be let alone.

Me: (Devastating aftershocks ensue....I'm dying. You'll be happy to know I remained silent but I think there was a crack in the building foundation as a result of my shaking)


G-Man said...

I'm afraid Trini, that I would not have been able to show such restraint from comment. Sometimes It's much better to listen and say nothing.
Did I just say that?
BTW...The thought of you violently shuddering is kinda hot!.....G

Logophile said...

Oh, my, gosh,
too funny
Don't you just love situations like that?

rose_michelle said...

Seriously Lime, this only happens in your world. What doc's office is that 'cause I'd love to stop in just to hang out.

airplanejayne said...

::rolling hysterically on the floor::

omigawd I can't stop laughing!! I don't know which is worse/better:

1. two thumbs and whiping your ass.
2. scar down there
3. knows what you like to do in spare time.
4. wants to be left alone.

I wanna go with you to the doc next time.

::jumps from floor, and runs in circles::


M said...

Tina is hilarious, missing an edit button, but hilarious.

M said...

ps next time i wipe my butt i will tuck my thumb in and see how if i can do it thumbless.

barefoot_mistress said...

various states of disrepair and!!!

That was so Harvey Pekar of you, Lime, to eavesdrop and then return with information to share with the masses in a creative form!!!!

I love love love it! I used to have the best time eavesdropping on people on the bus/busstop in LA...and made a few comix about it also...Pekar inspired, of course...

Now today I have to go get my allergy shots, and all I can think about is that wierd lady who dresses odd and makes a lot of noise and stuff...I'll bring back a report, ok?

steve said...

That is soooooooo funny!!

Have a wonderful day!

Jodes said...

OMG, you have AMAZING willpower to stay silent.

KFarmer said...

That was too funny :) How you managed, I have no idea... ;)

lime said...

gman, ya dig the idea of me in 17 shades of pink and purple from stifling hysterical convulsions of laughter huh?

logo, it was comedy gold!

rose, sure thing! my next appointment is in april, come on up.

apj, you can come along with rose and me. we'll have a great time! party at the doc's office!

m, don;t forget to fashion a couple of casts too! we can't allow you any sort of wrist rotation for this experiment.

susie, yes...i want a full report. who is harvey i have to go google. here i thought i was being original. did he steal my idea? i'll get him!

steve, glad to give you a giggle. you have a great one too.

jodes, and what i relayed here was just the tip of the iceberg....2 hours baby!

kfarmer, i'm not sure myself. i really thought i was going to loose it with one of those long, slow snorts that sounds like nasal flatulence. i was dying i'm tellin ya

Ameratis said...

I would have cracked up! I am cracking up reading it second hand oh my goodness that is amazing. You have amazing self control Lime!

ttfootball said...

LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't u just love when u meet people who have no filter?!

snavy said...

OMG!! I nearly feel out of my seat at "in case we loose any of the originals"!!!

Why are my doctors visits this funny??

lime said...

ameratis, i just kept telling myself 'i so have to blog this!'

tt, it makes it so interesting, dontcha think?

snavy, yeah ggeorge was the perfect straightman...just a deadpan delivery. i enjoyed that line myself.

G-Man said...

You could have REALLY freaked them out by quietly standing up, pulling back your sleeve, showing them that wrist scar and saying...."C" section!!

ALRO said...

Now that is one of the funniest things I've ever read in a long time!!

If you've ever read the Dragonlance series -- she reminds me of a Kender (Tasslehoff Burrfoot!)

Thanks for sharing!

lecram sinun said...

LMAO! People watching is the best, isn't it? I need to get bach to that activity soon! :)

damasta said...

bahahahaha... i just read your reply to a comment "ya know those slow snorts" hahahahaha.. omg, you are hiiilarious.. i dunno how you kept it together.. i would have been laughing at you laughing at the other ppl!

lime said...

gman, LMAO!!!

alro, glad i could give you a giggle....quite the mayhem tank sort of thing no?

lecram, you really do. i love your observations too

damasta, i dared not make eye contact with anyone and i know the person behind me was huffing in disgust at the way i was making her chair vibrate with my convulsions.

Anonymous said...

lime this was HILARIOUS!! I loved it! you are too too much.
Thank you for sharing this, I needed a good laugh today.
This is a keeper fer sure.:)

MONA said...

wow! That is TOO GOOD! I just loved this post...It is simply hilarious & so well written!

I hope you will be able to love mine :)

MyUtopia said...

Was there pot involved in this conversation?

Moosekahl said...

I need to hang out in my own waiting room if that is what is going on while they wait for me to have a room open! Too funny! Hope Janita isn't too bad...

Chickadee said...

OMG!!! I would have wondered if I entered the twilight zone and if the situation was really happening.

And yes, like you, I think I would have had a difficult time keeping it in. :P

lime said...

tc, laughter is good medicine. glad i could give you a dose when you most needed it

mona, thanks. i love all your stories!

myutopia, certainly would think so wouldn't you?

moose, i am available for hire if you'd like to plant me in your waiting room i can give you private reports later on....

chickadee, i felt as if the muses of blogging were smiling down in utter benevolence and amusement

Anonymous said...

This is brilliantly funny. I'm gonna scroll back up and read it again!

G-Man said...

Michelle Funni Aussi Trini Limey Hotti.

Damn it Trini your killin me here!!

Lacquer, Semi-Gloss Lacquer said...

...Pennsylvanians and cabin fever...

-check please...

lime said...

blither, do enjoy

gman, lol

lacquer, as dave barry says, 'i am not making this up.'

Hypersonic said...

And now my day is comlete.

ALRO said...

it is quite a mayhem tank'er.
Love it...

jillie said...

I think I would have been the one the one with the dropped jaw looking at Tina with the "could you be even more of an ass" look on my I know why guppies eat their young. Their names are Tina!

Heather said...

That is HILARIOUS. Oh my - Tina sounds like a real fun gal! ;-)

Cosima said...

Lol... I am so glad I can read this far away from Tina. I don't think I would have been successful in holding back.