Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Weird Wednesday-A silly meme and the Tale of the Golden Phallus

5 THINGS IN MY BEDROOM
1. A herd....um....gaggle? clutch? flock? cloud? of dust bunnies (what exactly IS the collective noun for dust bunnies???) lurking under the bed.
2. A 5 gallon bucket of joint compound.
3. A small lamp with a shade that has about 2 dozen doodles on it.
4. Three small dinosaurs made of that weird foamy modeling compound from Crayola.
5. A trophy that is supposed to look like an old fashioned microphone but really looks like some very kinky golden phallus that only the most hardcore BSDM participant would use. (And if you ask nicely I'll tell you how I won the trophy)


4 THINGS I LIKE ABOUT ME
1. My superior intellect
2. My ravishing beauty.
3. My extreme humility.
4. My sense of humor.


3 PASTTIMES
1. Plotting the overthrow of Lichtenstein.
2. Coining collective nouns for odd groups of things
3. Knitting exciting lingerie from the wool spun from dust bunnies.


2 QUOTES
1. 'What, me worry?' Alfred E. Neuman
2. 'Either these drapes go, or I do.' Oscar Wilde



I answered this meme elsewhere and then was asked repeatedly to tell the story that goes with #5. Since I have not been perusing the news for the weirdness that abounds (too busy perusing about horrendous events, being bombarded with inanity about the Noreaster, and trying desperately to news about paternity reports) I thought I'd share this weirdness.


The tale of the golden phallus begins back in the mid 80s, when shoulder pads were big and hairdos were bigger. There was a lass named Lime, who being of a rather contradictory nature, refused to partake from the well of Aquanet each morn and thus had raven tresses which hung heavily upon her shoulders and down her back, but that is neither here nor there. What is important to note, dear readers, is that she exhibited a tendency toward creative expression in a manner of ways, literary, artistic, and performance-based.

Now it came to pass that a friend of Lime had written a play in the style of old-time radio programs and had submitted it to a competition. When the friend received word that her play had been selected, from among several dozen, to be performed along with 3 others there was much rejoicing. Ah, but now the task was to cast the play. This farcical tale of a wedding day gone awry needed just the right vocal characterizations. The bride and groom had been cast. The pompous minister had been cast. The groom's parents and bride's father had been cast. There was much question as to who would portray Mrs. Dibberly, the mother of the bride. This was no ordinary nervous or even proud MOB role. The woman was written as a drunk. Whether others were first considered for the role or not is a matter lost to historical record. It is only known that when Lime was offered the role she jumped at it, relishing the opportunity to be outrageous on air.

Rehearsals were held and at last the big night came, when the cast would travel to Philadelphia to compete in the WCAU Radio Classics Competition. Families of cast members were invited to join the audience and so it came to pass that the parents and stepparents of Lime found themselves side by side for the duration of the program. Lime had neglected to describe her role to her family and from the first slurring word to the last wailing moan of her campy performance, her father and stepmother guffawed while her mother watched in shocked horror wondering how her daughter had learned to so convincingly approximate the cadences of the inebriated.

One by one the plays were performed and a break was announced after the final live on air performance while the judges consulted to make their decision. At last, the winning production was announced and thus it came to pass, my dear readers, that Lime was presented with the fabulous golden phallus award (along with the rest of the cast) which graces her bedroom to this very day.

30 comments:

Jim said...

Lol . . . excellent. We all have our hidden talents.

"I have nothing to declare but my genius." --- Oscar Wilde

XO

G-Man said...

The Golden Phallus?

1.Sounds like a Phillistine God
2. Sounds like an expensive viberater
3. Sounds like a plot in an Austin Powers movie
4. Sounds like a great Limey Teen-Tale

You so funny Trini...
Have a relaxing, care free day sweetie....xoxox

airplanejayne said...

so.....let me get this straight.....you got an award for being a drunken f*ck....and the award looks like something you'd f*ck.....right?

(Hmmm....I've got something similar in my room.....but I didn't win it.....)

Top cat said...

Fascinating story, I love it!
I close my eyes and can see our wonderful and beautiful lime performing to perfection her role as the inebriated mom.
hugs
tc

bsoholic said...

Ha! That's awesome. Did you or anyone record the performances?

lime said...

jim, oscar was so brilliantly pithy!

g-man, LMAO at your list. fabulous!

apj, you have summed up the situation quite nicely. will you be posting picutres of your item which bears similarity?

tc, are you guffawing of shocked?

bs, i'd imagine the radio station did, but i don't have a copy or anything.

steve said...

I always love your answers!!

Logophile said...

Oscar Wilde is always an excellent choice for a quote.
Why do you store joint compound in your bedroom?

Hypersonic said...

So this joint compound, is that blow...weed...mary-jane?

S said...

Now that could come in handy, can I borrow it?


The answer to #1 is
Bunnicula

cadbury_vw said...

from the wikipedia:

"rabbits A colony of rabbits
rabbits A bury of rabbits
rabbits A nest of rabbits"

List of collective nouns by subject I-Z

----

i kind of like the sentence

"A colony of dust bunnies lurking under the bed."

jillie said...

OMG...I don't know if I'm laughing harder at the visuals of your story and family or the comment that airplanejayne left...

FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY!

tl said...

I think 'a mob of dust bunnies' sounds about right, but if there are a hell of a lot, 'biggest mobs of dust bunnies' lol.
Your talents never cease to amaze me as they slowly come to light.

:)

Rusty Nails said...

Your b'room list is very interesting. A golden phallus in disguise as a trophy...eh, not so unique. What I want to know is what you're doing with that 5 gallons of joint compound?

Oh, and it's BDSM not BSDM. (Small typo as I'm sure YOU know the difference)

Blither said...

Your award is soo soo beautiful.. I find myself wondering if I could ever hold something so precious in my greedy lil hand. ;)

barman said...

Oh wow, I only played a robot that was kind of the announcer spitting out corny jokes. Funny, I didn't get anything for that stealer performance. You know, now that everyone knows about your trophy you may need to guard it.

I love number 4, THINGS I LIKE ABOUT ME. So perfectly you.

lime said...

steve, thank you!

logo, it's there from when i had to have the badly gouged wall repaired. hhmm....gouged bedroom walls and golden phalluses...sounds liek the beginning of another story...

hypersonic, lol..no sir, no chemical enhancers of that nature

s, do you think that would be hygenic?

cadbury, you make a strong appeal to my nerdy side

jillie, prolly a good thing that apj and i are separated by many thousands of miles huh?

tl, i like your suggestion best and i humbly bow at you praise...then loose my balance and fall over landing in the gutter


rusty, dammit, you're right, i missed that when i proofread...dammit

blither, play your cards right and just maybe

barman, lloyds of london said they couldn't even begin to imagine insuring it....must mean it's REALLY valuable.

MONA said...

What a roaringly, stupendous tale . You deseve another pha..er..trophy for the way you tell it!
Could it be a bundle or a bunch of bunnies?

What is a five gallon of joint compound????

About the things you like, The fourth one sums up all! LOL

Plotting seems an exciting passtime.I can already feel the adrenalin rush!
Odd collective noun...a good ' Joint exercise'

Knitting woolen lingierie...Sell the idea sell the idea! before someone steals it!

~Tim said...

I think I'd go with a bury of dust bunnies. Except, in my house, there's probably something buried under the dust bunnies....

David said...

Lime
That was wonderful story.
You know I like those four things about you too.

lime said...

mona, would you be my PR person in this new business venture? joint compound is a thing you smear on wallls to fill in dents before you paint.

tim, your house sounds like mine

david, you say the nicest things...thank you

Dorky Dad said...

That's an excellent story.

A five-gallon bucket of joint compound in your bedroom? What kind of life do you lead?

The Zombieslayer said...

Cute story.

I'm guilty of liking those hairdos in the 80s. I still sort of do. It's kind of like, if you have to do something, go all out.

jules said...

Love the story.... stealing the meme

cathy said...

I hadn't seen this love the dust bunnies LOL
OK I confess to tagging you.
by the way 4 things you like about yourself is spot on.

Balou said...

You are a woman of many talents! I thought it was an ear of corn at first glance.

I was a semi-rebel in the 80's, I tore out those shoulder pads but, unfortunately, did partake in the daily hairspray rituals.

Apple said...

Who's been doodling on the lamp shade and what did they doodle?

Moosekahl said...

That's an interesting...uhm, talent? And what a beautiful reward!

Jocelyn said...

And what I wouldn't give to hear an audio file of that radio show.

Ya big lush.

tsduff said...

You won it fair and square - but I think it looks more like a corn cob.