11 Questions

It's been forever since I did a meme and Suldog had one posted so for lack of other ideas I am stealing it.  Of course he posted this weeks ago and I am just not getting around to it so we can see how timely I am about this all the way around? First I am to ask the 11 questions he poses then offer up 11 questions for others to voluntarily answer.


1 - Have you ever voluntarily put anything up your nose aside from drugs?
Anyone who won't admit to having put a finger up there at some point during his or her life is a liar.

2 - Is it still there?
(Looks shocked as if just caught in the act)  No! Of course not!

3 - How many real teeth (that is, not store bought) do you have in your mouth?
32
(If you have them anywhere else, please elucidate.)

4 - If you could take any two things on the planet and staple them together, what would they be?
The superintendent of my school district to the assistant superintendent.

5 - Do you think plants can hear you think?
Shhhh....

6 - How many rocks are in your house?
The ones in bowls on my counter or the ones in my head too?

7 - If I asked you to shove a toy surprise up my ass and call me Crackerjack, would you compare and contrast Napoleon's march on Moscow with Ritchie Blackmore's guitar solo on Highway Star?
I'd besmirch the wombat scissors with durian fruit because the metaphysics of Looney Tunes tesselates post-colonial Africa.

8 - Why are you still reading this?
It keeps me from picking my nose.

9 - Do you think it's going to get better?
Good Lord, I hope so!

10 - Why is a kumquat not entirely unlike a porcupine?
Neither makes a good alternative fuel source.

11 - When do you think the world will end?
I'm not sure but I wonder about sequels.

And now for something completely different, my 11 questions for anyone who cares to answer in the comments or at their own place.

1. What is your quest?
2. Which plagues do you feel are most fitting for public school administrators who believe said schools don't need well-stocked libraries maintained by qualified professionals?
3. It is said a friend helps you move, but a good friend helps you move a body.  How good a friend are you?
4. What is the worst thing you have ever eaten?
5. Can you explain string theory in 50 words or fewer?
6. What have you done to prepare for the impending zombie apocalypse?
7. Which do you feel the platypus is better proof of, intelligent design or divine sense of humor? (or perhaps clean out the workshop night...Crimony, I've got this bit leftover from the ducks, a spare beaver tail, all this extra fur, and egg laying apparatus too...why not, together they go.  Oh Myself!  This poor thing is ridiculous looking, all the butch animals are going to want to punch it and stuff it in a locker at lunch.  I'd better give it some venom or something....)
8. Who exactly does Joan Rivers think she is fooling by having so much plastic surgery she can't blink her ow eyes any more?
9. How many times must the cannonballs fly before they're forever banned?
10.  Who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong?
11. Why can't fools just fall in love rather than being elected to public office?

Homemework

The smart, resilient, and adorable blogger known as Snowelf is back from an extended hiatus.  She posted a meme and referenced me as Queen of Memes so of course I had to steal it.

Theoretically, I am supposed to post a set of rules and 11 random facts about myself then answer her questions and generate a bunch more for a bunch of you.  Being the iconoclast I am, you know those rules are flying out the window.

First, her questions:

1.  What is your horse's name.  And don't pretend you don't have one, you know that you do.

I've been through the desert on a horse with no name.

2.  When does the sun set?

Depends upon the season and the latitude at which you are located.  

3.  Favorite insect and why?

Her, because she's a lovely person. 

4.  You're marrying someone from a commercial--who is it and what is there most attractive feature?

 Him, isn't it obvious? (though I admit our respective spouses may take issue)

5.  Can you skate?

I do so regularly...on thin ice.

6.  Name something you like to do while waiting in line.

Groom my fellow shoppers like a chimpanzee would.

7.  This year, a kindergarten class is planning your birthday party--what's your favorite kid-themed birthday party?

Isn't having a birthday sufficient in terms of themes?

8.  Best breakfast cereal mascot ever?

Calvin for Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs

9.  Name something simple that makes you happy.

SomeTHING or someONE?

10.  We just found your awkward family photo--what are you wearing?

I'm pleading the 5th

11.  What color is your aura?

Tie-dyed, of course! 

And now for 11 questions some of you may or may not be willing to answer.

1. I'm inventing a new yoga position inspired by you.  What does it look like and what shall I call it?
2. What is your quest?
3. Ghengis Khan or Snooki?  Why?
4. What does the color turquoise smell like?
5. I'm giving you butterscotch candies, cabbage, yak milk, and escargot.  What sort of tasty dish will you prepare for me?
6. If you wear garlic around your neck to keep vampires away, what should you wear to keep zombies away?
7. What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
8. Tell me a story involving a bathtub of macaroni, a red wagon, and a head of state.
9. Invent a family game using a pile of lentils and a thimble.
10.  You may not use paint or wallpaper.  With what will you cover your walls?
11. When?

I won't forcibly tag anyone but I'd like certain people to at least answer my questions......you KNOW who you are....don't make me keep you after school.  The rest of you get extra credit for this work. 

Meme-ories

Ripping this off from Kat because it's been forever since I did one of these.


1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?  Oh sure.  I figure many billions of people were named before I was.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? In pain or in pleasure?

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I don't especially care about it one way or another.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? I didn't know lunch was an animal that could be butchered for its meat.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?  No baby goats here.  We aren't zoned for farm animals.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?  Whoa.....weird existential moment here!

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?  No, never.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?  Yes, I keep them on my key chain.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?  I'd never engage in any activity that could lead to broken body parts.  I don't like to be reckless like that.  I'd prefer a nice evening of tatting doilies.....Wait...let me practice that with a straight face....

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? If I chose one as a favorite won't the others feel slighted?

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? I haven't figured out how to untie Birkenstocks.  

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?  No, I know I am.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?  Yes

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? That they are people.

15. RED OR PINK?  Green

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Why are you asking me to engage in negative self-talk?

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?  I rarely miss because my aim is excellent. (Nerf guns, nothing lethal here.  Lighten up, folks.)

18. WHAT IS THE TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST? That's a bit personal, don't you think?

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? I have to wear shoes to do this?

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?  That's a bit personal, don't you think?

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The sound of one hand clapping and trees falling in forests devoid of people.


22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Electric Lime....duh!

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? The water treatment plant at the end of town gives off such a lovely aroma on a late summer day.

24. HOW IMPORTANT ARE YOUR POLITICAL VIEWS TO YOU? Important enough to refuse to declare a political party but to vote every November.

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?  Sure.  Shall I forward my architectural plans for both?

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Aerobic checkers, Nude figure skating

27. HAIR COLOR? Puce and pomegranate polka dots

28. EYE COLOR? Orange

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?  Contact paper is so sticky and hard to apply properly.  Plus it gives me a rash.

30. FAVORITE FOOD? For the belly, the soul, or the brain?

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?  Why are we comparing cinema to orgasms?  

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Well, I generally listen to them too.  I can't think of a single movie I only watched without listening.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?  I have to wear a shirt to do this?  What is this...no shirt, no shoes no meme-ing???

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Autumn

35. FAVORITE DESSERT?  Chocolate covered Hugh Jackman (Admit it. You all would have been disappointed if I said something else.)

36. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?  Yoga

37. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION? Books

38. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?  How can I read a book and answer these questions at the same time?

39. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?  Mice wear knee pads?  Wow!  Who knew?

40. FAVORITE SOUND? An orchestra of poorly tuned violins playing experimental jazz


41. FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC?  Hip-hop bagpiping

42. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?  I was tempted to steal Kat's answer of the brink of insanity then I realized it's actually my natural habitat.

43. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?  Wouldn't you like to know?

44. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Earth

45. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW? Earth

46. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE? Which house?  My mountain hideaway or my beach house?


47. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR? Plaid


48. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 48 QUESTIONS?  I liked answering 47 questions.  This one is just stupid.

The Irony that is Me

I wasn't overly nervous before the interview, just fleetingly so.

I wasn't nervous during the interview...not really even a little.

As soon as I left the interview I wanted to vomit.

Why yes, I am crazy.  Thank you for noticing.



So now I shall soothe myself by meme-ing the interview.

Tell me something about yourself...
Well, I was born when I was very young. I spent part of my childhood in a commune for yodelers.  Because of my lack of pitch and lung capacity due to allergy triggered asthma attacks I was ejected from the community, at which point I joined a troupe of chimpanzees and found I was skilled at flinging excrement.  My vocal stylings were more attuned to chimp ears as well.  Later on, I studied 13th century Albanian poetry searching for insight into the great question in life such as,
"Why are hot dogs and hot dog buns sold in packs with unequal numbers?"  In my free time I enjoy doing macrame with yarns I've spun from dryer lint.

If you were hired and I dropped by your classroom what would I see?
A burning in effigy of the drafters of, those who voted for, and the signer of the No Child Left Behind Law.  I think it's important for even elementary students to be aware of politics, the effect it has on their lives, and the power of protest.

Describe how you approach classroom management.
Duct tape

We use a "push in" program as opposed to a "pull out" program.  Are you comfortable with that?
Sugar, I find it works best if you alternate the two....repeatedly...until everyone is satisfied with the results.

So if you have a BS Ed, why exactly were you working at a chiropractic office?
Temporary insanity

Why should I hire you?
Look into my eyes and be quiet.  You'll feel the irresistible psychic waves telling you why.

Do you have any questions for me?
When do I start?

First a Meme

1. Who was your first prom date?
Some guy who asked me to be his date thusly, "Some people don't think I am capable of finding a date. Will you help me prove them wrong?"  I don't know which was more pathetic, that he asked that way or that I accepted.

2. Who was your first roommate?
My brother

3. What alcoholic beverage did you first drink?
The fermented juice of crushed rare orchids found only in Antarctica.

4. What was your first job?
Hand

5. What was your first car?
Matchbox or gasoline powered?

6. When did you go to your first funeral?
For a pet or a person?

8. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
Austin, Texas when I was in 5th grade. Mom was very cool about it. She drove us to the little municipal airport so we could watch planes take off and land, then asked us if we wanted to go on one. We said yes and she said, 'Ok! Let's!' We got on this little prop plane and flew to Philadelphia. Got out and watched the big jets take off and land. She asked if we wanted to get on one of those. Our eyes got huge and we said, 'Yes?' she said, 'Ok, let's!' My brother and I were in complete shock. She planned the whole trip but never let on. Just picked us up from school and we flew to Texas for a week to see her friends. It was very, very cool.

9. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with?
I don't recall sneaking out, just sneaking people in when my mom wasn't home.

10. Where was your first sleepover?
Sleeping over what?  Was I supposed to be on the top bunk or suspended over something?

11. Who is the first person you talk to in the morning?
I have taken a vow of morning silence.  I don't speak until afternoon and then only using semaphore.

12. Whose wedding were you in the first time?
My uncle's, it was his second of 5 marriages.

13. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
Look at the clock and die inwardly.

14. What was the first concert you ever went to?
It was a festival for a fusion punk band of Tuvalan throat singers and Swiss yodelers.

15. First piercing?
The scream I made upon exiting a womb.

16. First celebrity crush?
I've never been close enough to one to crush him or her.

17. First crush?
I have never crushed anyone but I do have a few candidates in mind for being run over by a steam roller.

19. When was your first detention?
Me being detained or detaining someone else?

20. What is the first big trip you remember taking?
Falling down the basement steps when I was 4.

Coopernicus Made Me Do It

 I cannot ignore a meme challenge issued by Coopernicus.  He is every bit as demented as I am with regard to how he answers these things.  When he creates the questions he's even more so.  Here are my answers.  I create questions to follow though I won't specifically tag anyone.  Grab 'em if ya want and let me know to come read your answers.

1. Name five non-clothing items you might wear next to your skin while attending a Bar Mitzvah.
I only go to nudist Bar Mitzvahs so all I wear is my skin.


2. Who is your favorite proctologist…and why?
Sir Mixalot. Isn't it obvious?

3. They are going to name a breakfast cereal after your feet.  What will it be called?
Callous Flakes

4. Given the choice between spontaneous combustion and a weekend with Michelle Bachman, which would you choose?
Michelle  Bachman spontaneously combusting


5. What is your favorite tile grout?
Well it really depends on the job.  If the gaps are small 9under 1/8") I'd go for an unsanded grout.  For larger gaps between the tiles it's better to use sanded so you don't have excessive shrinkage during the curing process, which would cause the grout to pull away from the tiles.  But for great results no matter what, epoxy grout is the way to go.  Just understand it will be more expensive and a bit trickier to work with. (Yeah, sometimes it IS more humorous and surprising when I play it straight.)


6. It’s a new law…you have to get a tattoo of a celeb’s face.  Who is it and where are they going?
The law doesn't state I have to get it on MY body so I will have the face of Snooki tattooed on the left cheek of the idiot who passed this law and the Situation tattooed on the right cheek. And no, I don't mean ass cheeks.  The idiot gets to sport these blights on his face.


7. What is your favorite moldy fruit?
My cross-dressing step-uncle

8. What language do you find most unpleasant?
Politispeak

9. When was the last time you cried? gagged?
The last time I saw a political ad.


10. What is your favorite dental instrument?
A drool suction tube tuned to the key of G.

11. Have you ever…you know…you know…with a head of cauliflower?  or spinach?
No, I stick with root vegetables.


1. The dictionary will be re-organized.  If it is no longer arranged alphabetically how do you propose entries be arranged?

2.Which garden vegetable would you most like to interview and why?

3. What is the best way you've discovered to skin a cat?

4. If a train departs Boston at 6:45 am EST heading due west at 78 mph and I have four oranges but Billy wants two of them how much will Susie earn babysitting the Murphy twins for an hour and a half?

5. Please explain string theory fully in 10 or fewer words.

6. What does the color chartreuse smell like?

7.  I am giving you a skein of wool, 4 thumbtacks, a superball, and an institutional-sized can of tuna.  You must create a work of art with only these items.  What does it look like and what do you call it?

8. You are held in solitary confinement for 3 months with only a few dust bunnies rolling around your cell.  Tell me about a conversation you have with the dust bunnies.

9. Please give me a reasonable explanation for Donald Trump's hair.

10. You have just formed a band called "Donald Trump's Hair."  What type of music does your band play?

11. Why?

It's a Twofer Meme!

 

She commands:  Trends can be enlightening or they can be annoying. Most of these are the latter. I looked in the infamous Urban Dictionary to find the newest lame terms in the blogosphere and world in general. Here’s what I discovered.
 I hope these don’t eventually end up in Webster’s one day. Of course, I’m soooo glad the word “blogging” finally did!


The New Word meme

1. What is planking?
I don't know what the king's plan is.  I bet the queen has a better one though.

2. What does the word “smosh” mean to you?
It's when something in the vegetable crisper goes so soft and gooey it runs out the drawer.

3. What is daddy soda?
Well, in my husband's family "grammy water" means vodka so I'm going to guess "daddy soda" means bourbon.

4. Do you know any Facebook philosophers?
Sure, I recently friended Plato and Aristotle. Kant blocked me.  Nietzsche keeps poking me and I wish Kierkegaard would knock it off with the Farmville requests.

5. Do you ever call people “dude” or “bro?“
Foshizzle

6. Have you ever had post traumatic test syndrome?
Ah, the memories of a full semester of Statistics in 6 weeks....taught by a Chinese woman who could barely speak English...

7. What are sleeping terms? 
If you hog the covers I am sticking my ice cold feet in the small of your back....and pushing until you fall out of the bed.

 The Totally Random Meme

Description: Well, it's totally random

1. If you could have a robot that could perform any task at your disposal for a week, what would you have the robot do for you? 
I don't need a robot, I have a battery operated....uh, nevermind...

2. As part of your pre-planned funeral arrangement you are asked to name the bronze statue that will represent you for all eternity.  What is your bronze statue's name?
I don't want a bronze statue.  I want an interpretive dance to Gnarls Barkley's Crazy with the dancers clad in tie dye and coating each other in hot fudge sauce.



3. Remember Dolly The (Cloned) Sheep? I found her (her??) to be  totally freakish. Who or what would you like to see cloned?
Hugh Jackman, one for his wife and one for me.

4. Is is always a good idea to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Tell me one good reason to lie.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gestapo
We've got no Jews here.

5. Who or What would you like to throw into the sea of forgetfulness?
I'd say a recent conversation that dramatically shifted my understanding of a person in a negative way but I'm reminding myself that I'd rather be hurt by truth than by illusions or lies.

6. You are with a Tea Leaf Reader. What does he/she tell you about your blog?
Don't spill the Earl Grey on the keyboard.  It will make blogging difficult.

7. We are halfway through the year 2012 and the world has not ended. What will the Mayan doomsday people be doing in 2013,  if the world does not evaporate in December?
Having tea in the looney bin with Harold Camping.

Damned if I Do/Damned if I Don't

Apparently, I am such a ray of sunshine I've been awarded by Cooper this time..  However, there are threats of eternal damnation associated with failing to respond to this award so maybe the sunshine is just a nice way of describing the raging fires of hell.  Either way, far be it from me to disappoint...


Here are the Instructions:
First, if you don’t like to read instructions, your IKEA furniture probably won’t last very long.
Second, if you don’t go to visit Turber  none of this will not make any sense to you but you still risk going to Hell.

• Include the award’s logo in a post on your blog
• Answer 10 questions about yourself or risk breaking the chain of sunshine (this includes the threat of Hell, bad luck for seven years, and a life devoid of pizza and mac&cheese).
• Nominate 10 other bloggers and then leave them to fend for themselves
• Link your nominees to the post and comment on their blogs, letting them know they have been nominated
• Share the love and link the person who nominated you

Here are the 10 questions you’ll have to answer or you may go to Hell: 

1. My favourite color: Tie dye, duh!!!
2. My favourite animal: Hugh Jackman as Wolverine.
   
3. My favourite number: Well, I am prime, square, and rational.  Any numbers that fit that description too?  Ok, fine.  How about the Eye of Horus?
   
4. My favourite drink: The blood of my enemies. What?  I'm just trying to get into the theme of Hell here...
5. Facebook or Twitter: How about TwitFace?
6. My passion: Listen, if you don't already know the answer to that you haven't been paying attention and YOU deserve to be poked by a pitchfork-wielding demon.
   
7. Prefer giving or getting presents: Define "presents."
   
8. My favorite pattern:  Certainly not any of the wallpapers featured in THIS post.  Take a look.  I dare you.  Yes, that's really what was on the walls of my house when we moved in.
   
9. My favorite day of the week: Any day spent picking nits out of my kid's hair because really, that's just a little slice of heaven.
10. My favorite flower: Self-rising...wink wink nudge nudge...
    

10 bloggers who might go to hell if they don’t follow the instructions are:
Naw, I'm just going to tempt fate myself and tag only one...Suldog...because doing so is inviting such a fun form of abuse.

Bubba Got Me

It has been a long time since anyone tagged me with a meme, and thank God it's not that "Tell us 5/12/100 things about yourself no one knows" deals because really, I've been blogging over six years and done that one as well as other things so many times I'd have to require a blood test and a ring before revealing any more secrets. Be that as it may, Bubba has 11 questions to ask me according to the rules of this meme, which are as follows:




1. You must post these rules.

Since it didn't specify where they had to be posted I put them on a roll of paper towels, which were later sacrificed in the service of spring cleaning.  We'll muddle through somehow.

What do you really like that nobody else seems to enjoy at all?
Judging by the things left for me around the house one could only assume picking up dirty socks, hauling overflowing recycle bins, refilling empty toilet paper rolls, and washing sinks full of dirty dishes.  Of course, we know what happens when you assume...

What  thing from childhood (besides youth) do you wish you still had?
Being able to run around braless without risking brush-burned nipples.

If you could change just one event in history – what, how and why?
Are you asking me to mess around with the space-time continuum?  Do you really want to risk that?  Just look what I do with simple questions.  For your own good and the good of humanity I am going to tiptoe away from this power you've given me before things get really dangerous around here.  Feel free to thank me by assuring my future security.  Email me for where to send large checks.

Favorite pizza toppings?
No jokes here.  Pizza is too serious a subject.  Green peppers, onions, garlic powder, crushed red pepper.  Now who wants a nice, big post-pizza kiss?

Favorite alcoholic beverage?  (Or non-alcoholic)
My favorite alcoholic was most fond of beer and whiskey.

Place you’ve never visited but would love to?
Hugh Jackman's lap

Favorite old movie?
We talking old in dog years? Geologic eras? Lifespan of a mayfly?  Old is such a relative term.  And I do believe the politically correct term would be "chronologically advanced."

Guilty musical pleasure?
Music alleviates guilt, never causes it.  There are forms that are induce pain as opposed to pleasure though.  The singer who shall not be named comes to mind.

You’ve won a huge lottery!  Now what?
 Oooohhh, Oooohhh, Ooooohhh, Aaaaahhhh, Aaaaaahhhh Aaaaahhhh, Mmmmmmmmmmmm

Modern convenience you just can’t live without?
The wheel is pretty nifty. 

Do you really like question lists like these?
Now what do you think?

Green Meme

Welcome to the Queen's Meme #113

7 Royal Questions on Tuesday

All things considered after a very pleasant weekend in the castle, I thought I'd ask you about your St. Patrick's Day festivities. I missed them almost entirely! Did green rock your world? Did you drink green beer? Of course, these logical questions will not be in this meme. That would be boring.  This meme is totally frivolous and ridiculous. A hodgepodge of nothing serious.
 That's why I like it.

1. How many green things are within your reach?
Well given the way my son's feet smell at the moment I am inclined to think at least 10...


2. Have you ever been green with envy?
No, when I am envious I develop puce and pomegranate polka dots with a heavenly blue border.

3. Do you like split pea soup?
As a food? A punishment? A skin treatment? A furniture polish? Please specify.

4. Have you gone green?
Well, I once molded over but the fuzz was kind of blue-grey and I found a bleach shower and some sun took care of it.

5. Do green Leprechauns scare you?
Not as much as the paisley ones.


6.  What color was the Wicked Witch of The West's face in the Wizard of Oz?
Gray as far as I knew.  We only had a black and white set.

7. Tell us about your last experience with a frog...or a toad...or a prince. You pick.
I heard Prince was working on a new album.  It's going to be a funk interpretation of Arnold Lobel's Frog and Toad series of books.

Mathememe-atics

The Queen's Meme #111 ~ The Perfect Totient Meme*

Welcome to The Queen's Meme

7 Royal Questions on Tuesday

In honor of our blog post number #111! The Perfect Totient Meme aka the You-make-me-feel-like-a-natural-number meme. I will demonstrate my spectacular mathematical mind. Be amazed.

1. (1) Name one thing you can't live without.
Oxygen, but I named it Gerald.

2. (1+1=2) Name 2 things you'd rather not do this week.
Listen to even one word come out of Rush Limbaugh's mouth
Have a colonoscopy
Lucky me!  I don't have to do either!

3. (1+1+1=3) Tell me 3 reasons you need a vacation.
The voices are back.
I need time to finish my diabolical plan for overthrowing Liechtenstein.
I have to practice decadent lolling if I am going to be an evil genius mastermind overthrowing small countries.

4. (11) It is the 11th hour of your life and you have one hour left on Earth. What do you do?
Set the clock back.

5. (1x1x1=1) Name one thing you'd rather do alone than in a crowd.
Poop, but I've named it Burt.

6. (111) One hundred (and) eleven is the natural number following 110 and preceding 112 AND a perfect totient number. A perfect totient number is an integer that is equal to the sum of its iterated totients.
What makes the totients so iterated?
Gees, I dunno.  Mine certainly wasn't perfect.  I had one once but the wheels fell off.

7. (NINE 11) What is your emergency?
Someone mixed my Nutella and ketchup together.  Truly, this is NOT an example of two great tastes tasting great together.


*This is my 158th meme mangled with glee. 

The Queen's Meme #110 ~ The Oh Baby! Meme

The Queen's Meme #110 ~ The Oh Baby! Meme

Welcome to The Queen's Meme

7 Royal Questions on Tuesday

It's the Oh Baby Meme!

Answer these questions about babies. Don't whine. I'm all out of pacifiers.

1. When your kids were babies, did you ever use cloth diapers?
Typical Lime-style meme snark: Use them for what?
Truth: Yes, in fact, I boiled water on the stove to be able to have enough hot water to wash Calypso's when we lived in Trinidad...no water heater.


2. Are you guilty of spoiling your children or grandchildren?
I find if I keep them in the fridge they remain fresh much longer.


3. If you could give one piece of advice to your own children about how to raise their children, what would you say?
Plant then 6 inches deep, 8 inches apart, water when dry, and fertilize seasonally.  Pinch off dead heads.


4. Do you believe in spanking?
If I say yes, does it mean I get to give this a spank?

5. Babies need pacifiers! They cry and carry on sometimes. Can you think of one adult person in your life who could also use a pacifier?
Every politician


6. Have you ever been present for the birth of a child other than your own pregnancy and delivery?
I believe I was present when I myself was born.


7. Why are boy things blue and girl things pink?
I'm not sure but maybe circulation was cut off in the boy things.

Year of the Meme

Welcome to The Queen's Meme

7 Royal Questions on Tuesday

Happy Chinese New Year! All over the world today - January 23 -  people are celebrating The Chinese New Year, ushering in the much acclaimed Year of The Dragon 2012.  There will be fifteen days of food, firecrackers, incense burning and revelry. It is considered to be the luckiest of all lunar Chinese new years. Prosperity and good fortune are central themes during this time of traditional hoopla.  Let's participate in the Queen's Castle today. What do you know about this phenomenal worldwide event? 

1. In a traditional Dragon or Lion Dance, the loud drums and cymbals are thought to chase out evil spirits. How do you do YOUR traditional Dragon Dance to drive out any evil in your life? (Do you dance with dragons?......or just old Elvis records....inquiring minds want to know)

I play Engelbert Humperdinck records backwards at 78 rpm, paint myself green and dance naked on the trampoline on a full moon,

2. Have you experienced any good or bad omens this year?

I'm not sure.  How should I interpret seeing clouds in the shape of Newt Gingrich, repeatedly crossing paths with a green wombat, and hearing sounds like a bag of cats being beaten with a stick wherever I go?

3. I believe that good fortune has more to do with personal integrity, honesty and character than ancient symbolism. Treating people the way you would want to be treated goes a long way in warding off that pesky negative Karma.  Dragons are considered evil creatures according to European culture , but in Chinese culture the dragon symbolizes supernatural power and goodness. Which one do you believe? Or would you rather just try the good ole' Golden Rule.......

In this recession the Golden Rule has become too expensive for me to afford.  I'm going with the Electroplate Rule.

4. Chinese couples will attempt to have "Dragon babies" in the year 2012. In order to take advantage of astrological predictions of wealth and success, name one thing you should attempt to "birth" that could bring you good luck.

Well...um...I'm feeling a little constipated.  Cooper, can ya pass me a yogurt?

5. You are in charge of the Chinese New Year Parade in your town. Who will ride on the first float?

There will be no floats.  Dragons will chase the politicians who like to co-opt the parades.  Any politician who cannot run fast enough will be barbequed by the flame throwers installed in the heads of the traditional Chinese dragon costumes.



6.  What is your favorite Chinese food?

Why? Are we ordering out for lunch?  In that case, are you buying?  And uh...can we have Thai instead?

7. Chinese people often think of themselves as descendants of the mythical Dragon creature. 
Do you have any mythical creatures in your family closet?

Oh great!  Just last week I finally got over the idea that there was a monster under the bed.  Now I have to worry about mythical creatures in the closet???

Voting in the Pri-meme-ary

The Queen's Meme #106 ~ The Political Caucus Meme

Welcome To The Queen's Meme #106

7 Royal Questions on Tuesday

It's caucus time in the good ole' USA. We're trying to elect a Commander in Chief this year. Whenever I hear the rhetoric known as American politics, or business-as-usual, I try to remember that I'm really after someone of leadership and honesty. Hard to tell these days. Hard to tell. 

What is the meaning of a caucus? By definition in U.S. Politics it is "a meeting of party leaders to select candidates, elect convention delegates, etc."

 It's the "etc" I'm worried about. We seem to be talking about a lot of etcs these days. Can't anyone say what they mean and mean what they say? Bonnie Raitt said it best. They should listen to her.

For purposes of this meme, let's focus on these political forces: Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry and Jon Huntsman.  I submit these questions to be of vital interest and importance to the welfare of our country. And let's hurry.

By the time we all finish this meme, someone else could drop out. 

Or move to China.

The first United Farmers of Alberta legislative caucus in 1921.

1. What topic would you like to see the candidates discuss that they haven't already discussed?

I'd like them to cover how quantum mechanics and general relativity find unity in string theory.  Alternately, I think they should all swap their favorite recipes.

2. Which one of these men would run in and save you and your family from a burning building if he knew it would cost him the election?

Wait, first I need to know which one knows the Heimlich maneuver because I started choking when I laughed at the idea while eating pretzels that ANY of them would sacrifice themselves in such a way.  Fortunately, I can self-Heimlich (that's what the kids are calling it these days).

3. Who is the best dressed candidate?

For what are they dressing?  A debate? A romp in the Oval Office with an intern? Taking a call on the Batphone?

4. Who would be the best hostage negotiator?

My money goes on Pat Paulsen and he's been dead since 1997.

5. Who has the prettiest and most First-Ladyish wife?  (look for the nails..)

I dunno but the only good thing about the potential of Michele Bachmann being elected (I just shuddered in horror even typing that) would have been seeing Marcus' inaugural gown. 

6.  Which one of these men would you trust with the nuclear code?

Oh dear God, my PTSD....the tics are starting again...

7.  If I, Queen Mimi, invited one of them to Bloggingham for dinner, what should I cook and what question would you like me to ask him?

Invite Rick Perry.  Don't cook at all just do some tequila shots and ask him to recite the Bill of Rights.

Meme-y Christmas

The Queen's Meme #105 ~ The How Many Christmas Meme

Welcome to The Queen's Meme #105

7 Royal Questions on Tuesday

The How Many Christmas Meme

This meme is so easy it's ridiculous. And that too.

Enjoy.

1. How many Wisemen were there?
According to tradition or historical record?

2. How many reindeer pull Santa's sleigh?
 I'm still trying to figure out how the Bernoulli principle applies to reindeer and a fat guy.

3. How many gifts are under your tree?

I was told it was the thought that counted.

4. How many classic holiday movies can you name?
What would you like me to name them?

5. How many stockings are hanging from your mantel?
Mr. Lime thought it was inappropriate for my stockings, and bras, and panties to be hanging there.

6. How many Christmas trees do you have?
How many do I need?

7. How many days are in the twelve days of Christmas?
Depends how many times you cross the international date line during that period of time.

Memescellany

It's been a while since I twisted a meme so Queen Mimi and Empress Lime are allying again to bring you...

 

The Queen's Meme

7 Royal Questions on Tuesday

The Queen's Meme #101 ~ 

The Miscellaneous-Queen-Needs-Sleep Meme

1. All your dominoes just fell down. Who pushed them?
This guy

2. Have you ever danced in a car?
Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

3. What is your horoscope reading today?
According to Madam Lime's Chocolate Zodiac M&Ms are in the second house of Chocolate Ice Cream with Chocolate Chips rising so it's a great day for a sundae.

4. The iPhone just gave birth to the next generation of phones. What would you call them? The i______
iDon'tcare




5. Do you believe Justin Bieber should take a paternity test?
A test??? He didn't know about the test.  Good thing he has a study hall right beforehand so he can cram for it.  Wait.  Cramming may have caused the problem....ya know, when he was "dancing in the car."

6. Occupy Wall Street. Occupy this. Occupy that. What would you most like to occupy?
Hugh Jackman....duh!

7. What is the last groovy thing you did?
 Put the needle in the groove and shook my groove thang!

The Queen's Meme #89 ~ The Random Meme

The Queen's Meme #89 ~ The Random Meme

Welcome to The Queen's Meme

7 Royal Questions on Tuesday

The Random Meme is well...random. Haphazard. No synchronicity. No rhyme or reason. I'm allowed once in awhile to be random. So I looked deep into the recesses of a tired pencil brain today and wrote down the first thing that popped into my head. That's a dangerous proposition.
I hope you enjoy this totally random meme.


1. What is your favorite summertime flower?

The green blossom of the money tree in my back yard...you know the one my children seem to think I have.


2. Are you behind on your blog?
No, but I've considered a blog on my behind, which has widened considerably since I've been blogging.

3. What has irritated you the most recently?
The blog that's riding up and giving me a wedgie.


4. What was your last Facebook status post?
banana possum leaf spangles gizzard pickles

What??? You said this was a random thing.


5. When is the last time you laughed?
Stardate 2311.65

6. What can absolutely ruin your day?
The Parthenon, the Acropolis, the Coliseum, Angkor Wat...


7. What is the one thing that always brightens your day?
Lightbulbs

Meme-aphobia

After many weeks away following a very nasty car accident Queen Mimi has returned. Empress Lime is pleased to have her back in one piece and giving good meme material.


Welcome to the Queen's Meme. I am happy to be back amongst the memesters! I've made up a brand new meme for your memeing entertainment. Let's talk about fears today.  A phobia is an irrational fear of something and is classified as an anxiety disorder. Do you know that millions of people are deathly afraid of bugs?  That's called entomophobia: a fear of insects. It's a virtual epidemic! I personally have 3 phobias at the moment that I can think of. Motophobia (I'm working on that one), murophobia (fear of rodents) and forgetfulphobia (fear of...of....sorry, I forgot)
I trust you to be honest and not look in the dictionary for the correct answers until after you've completed your assignment meme. Do I have your word of honor? (The correct answers will magically appear on my blog tomorrow)

The Phobia Meme

Why did I stop at 12? Because I'm afraid of the number 13.

That's triskaidekaphobia for all you non-phobia speakers.

Identify these six common (and uncommon) phobias. You can answer rightly if you know the correct answer or spoof them all!  Define the following phobias.

1. What is mysophia?
It's what an ex-lover cried out in a moment of passion.  Since my name ain't Sophia it led to him becoming an EX-lover.

2.  Ailurophobia?
 Fear of an ale so weak it tastes like warm urine hence the misspelled "ail" rather than "ale-urophobia."  Though I do think it's actually the fear of cats.  Maybe it's the fear of beer that tastes like cat pee, which seems entirely reasonable to me.  Have you ever smelled a catbox?

3.  Technophobia?
Well, I used to refer to myself as a technophobe, meaning I was afraid of computers and technology.   Yes, it's really true I was, once upon a time.  I was the member of Casa de Lime who argued for typewriters rather than getting a PC.  I heatedly debated taking the required computing course in school too.  Truth is stranger than fiction in this case.

4.  Novercaphobia?
What leads a redneck to avoid having dental work done.  "Ah don't want none of that novercaine."

5.  Dipsophobia?
Fear of people who act like complete dipsh!ts.  Actually this isn't so much irrational as based in a  strong sense of self-preservation based on not wanting to suffer at the hands of an idiot...particularly when the fool is in a position to make decisions affecting your life.  See also: the executive and legislative branches of government and the recent debt crisis.  (It's enough to make me take to booze...which I believe I'd be avoiding if I were truly dipsophobic because I think it's a fear of alcohol.)

6.  Gymnophobia?
What describes my junior high years in Phys. Ed. class, especially when we got to the required sessions in gymnastics each winter.  What unmitigated horror that was.  I used to beg to be able to go do wrestling with the boys instead of having to pretend I had any level of skill as a gymnast.

7.  Hippophobia?
The horror invoked by looking at my hips in the mirror after a week of binging on hot fudge sundaes.  (Though I believe it's actually what Mr. Lime suffers from that makes him refuse to ever ride a horse.)

8. Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia?
The horror invoked by looking at my hips in the mirror after a YEAR of binging on hot fudge sundaes...or if you want the right answer, I think it's the fear of long words.

9.  Lachanophobia?
Fear of Spanish translations of Charlie Chan stories.

10. Uranophobia?
Fear of an exit being used as an entrance.

11.  Levophobia?
Fear of levity.  I am convinced several of my former teachers had extreme cases of this.



12. Make up your own phobia word and explain what you are afraid of.
Bromopedophobia: fear of my son's stinky feet.  Though I contend if you've ever touched his socks AFTER he washed them and had your hands come away stinking of teenage boy footrot it's not a fear anyone would consider irrational.  I believe I have a new form of bio-terrorism in my own home.

Awards, and Answers, and Memes, Oh My!

I’ve been nominated by my compadre in meme madness, Coopernicus, with the “Versatile Blogger Award” (pictured above)

He says it's a way to introduce underexposed bloggers to new readers.  The caveat is exposing ourselves.  No I'm not going to show you my boobies but given how many times I've done a variation of telling various numbers of things about myself I may need to ask each of you for a blood test.

The rules:
1) publicly thank the award giver and link to them in your post.
2) Tell your readers 7 things about yourself that you might not have already (this could be dangerous)
3) present this award to other bloggers whose work you enjoy and
4) contact the honorees

Ok, on with the exposure...

7 Things About Me You May Not Want To Know
1. My bubblegum never got stale on the bedpost overnight, but it did get stale in my underwear drawer.
2. I have a bag of Mongolian sheep ankle bones in my bedroom.
3. All my socks are left-footed.
4. I've had my entire body covered in transparent tattoos.
5. I think a sheep in Mongolia is trying to steal one of my ankles.
6. I'm thinking of having my left and right butt cheeks reversed.
7. I'm working on learning how to lick my own elbows....go ahead, try it.  Not that easy is it?

And now for some folks I am passing this to a mere three people because I am feeling phenomenally lazy right now but it's no reflection on what I think of the rest of you wonderful people...

1. Suldog, because he can blog about anything from softball to feral cats to wonderful nostalgia....and because he universally (and hilariously) abuses anyone who gives him an award.
2. Jocelyn and Byron: They have spent nearly a year living in Turkey while she is on sabbatical.  Her writing is exquisite and his artwork is fantastic.  They each offer a slightly different but totally complementary perspectives on their family's experience.

And now for something completely slightly different....

The Queen’s Meme
Summer Substitute

As her royalness is recooperating from her unsuccessful impersonation of Mario Andretti,Coopernicus has offered up his own version of the weekly meme.

The Summer Meme

It’s the first day of summer…break out the swim fins, bar-b-ques and solarcaine as thoughts turn to vacations, pool parties, summer fun and lightning bugs.  So kick back in your chaise lounge chair floating in the pool, refreshing beverage at your side and have at this collection of summer brain scratchers…




1) What was your most memorable Christmas present (giving or receiving)?
 A roll of Monty Python toilet paper and a frilly thong with a dollar bill taped inside.  I'll let you sort out which was given and which was received.

2) What terrifies you more than anything else?
 Amy Winehouse's beehive

3) The zombies are on the march. You hunker down in your panic room, possibly for the duration.  You are allowed one book.  What is it and why?
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse
 
4) Who would win in a caged boxing match between Santa and The Easter Bunny?
 The elves who'd get an evening off from toy-making to enjoy the big event.

5) The clock strikes midnight.  The confetti is falling and guy lombardo (or possibly lady gaga) is playing auld lang syne.  You have 30 seconds to kiss anybody, past or present, fact or fiction.  Who is it?  (For those of you with significant others, the assumption is that the clock begins after a torrid lip lock with your partner)
Do you really have to ask?  How long have you been reading this blog?

6) You either have to wash the outside windows of the 86th floor of the empire state building or give a speech in the nude to hundreds of people representing a cross-section of US motorcycle clubs.  Which do you choose and why?
Naked public speaking definitely.  You didn't say I couldn't have a podium large enough to cover me. Besides, bikers are more forgiving than gravity.

7) Batman or Superman.  Choose one to clean your oven and explain your choice.
Superman, he's got that heat vision thing going on so he can clean the oven OR cook me something nice to eat.