Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Weird Wednesday-My New Best Friend

Yesterday I got a phone call from my mortgage company. It was basically a telemarketer trying to convince me I need mortgage insurance. I answered and was in an unusually charitable mood so I didn't immediately hang up. She perkily launched right into her rapid fire script and continued without a breath for several minutes. When she asked to verify my address I noticed it was wrong so I told her that although I didn't want what she was selling I wanted my address fixed. Apparently she was not deemed intelligent enough or responsible enough or in possession of the skillset necessary to fix that bit of information in the database so she told me I'd have to be transferred to another representative who was just finishing up another call. Ok, fine. I sighed and waited for the mind numbing tones of muzak to fill my ear. Instead what I got was...


SoI'minnorthwestNebraskaandit'sbeen crazyhotherethelastfewdays.Imeanit'slike 90degreestodaywhichisjustsohotandIdon'tknowifIcantakeitmuchmorebecause
Ijustdon'tdoheatwellbutatleastitisn'twindytodaybecauseyesterdayitwascrazyhot
andwaywindyandIcouldbarelydrivemycarbecausethewindwassobad.
IreallythoughtIwasgoingtogetblownofftheroadbutthenIgotothecanyon

andthatkindofbrokethewind.Youknowlastyearformydaughter'sbirthdayonJuly19
wewentoutandtheheatwassobadIthoughtmybrainwouldmelt.
AndsothisyearIjustdon'tknowwhatwewilldowhenmydaughterturnstwo

becausethatheatistoomuch.Andtheninthewinteritgetssocoldyoucan'tbelieveit.
OnlytwokindsofweatherinNWNebraska,hotandcold,notmuchinbetween.
oO(Note to self, file this away as reasons #247, #248, #249 not to move to western Nebraska the next time Mr. Lime goes into his 'I need to go where there are no people and Nebraska sounds good to me' rant...#247 unbearable heat in May, #248 the lack of socialization breeds telemarketers compelled to give lenghty updates on the weather along with their bios, #249 what employment opportunites exist there outside of telemarketing?)
Ireallywishwehadsomesortofinbetweenweather.
Sohow'stheweatherupbyyou?HaveyoualwaysbeeninPennsylvania?

oO(She took a breath, she asked a question. Dear Lord, do I answer it? Who knows what happens if I show the slightest bit of interest. Ok, just keep it basic and vague)
The weather's been nice. I've been in PA most of my life. oO(You fool! 'Most' is an opening!)

Mostofyourlife?Soforpartofyourlifeyouweren'tinPA?Wherewereyouthen?

Overseas

Overseas,huh?IwenttoMexicooncebecausemybestfriend'sgrandmothertoldher
ifshegotgoodgrades shecouldgotoMexicoandtakeafriendSoshetookme
andwehadareallygreattime.
oO(My stars, this girl can talk. How did she ever hush up long enough to make that child who turns two in July? Hhhmm, maybe she adopted. Actually, this is really pretty amusing, I feel a giggle coming on because I think this girl actually loves her job. Oh gees, either that or she is just so grateful not to have me hanging up the phone on her and she thinks I am her new best friend.)
Wewerethereforaboutaweekandsomepeoplesaynottodrinkthewater
butwereallyhadagoodtime.DidyoulikeoverseasbecauseIthinkI'dlike
togodownoroverthereorsomethingsometime.

Um, yes. It was very nice.

OkwelltheotheragentisnowavailablesoI'llputyouthroughtoher.
thankyouforhavingXYZMortgageCompanyforallyourhomeloanneeds.
Shouldyouneedanyfurtherassistancepleasecall1-800-YAK-ALOT
andhaveareallygreatdayit'sbeensonicetalkingtoyou.


I still can't decide if this was an improvement over some frighteningly bland orchestral arrangment of Light My Fire or if that mutilation of Jim Morrison's music would have been preferable, but I guess if Mr. Lime eventually has his way and moves us to Western Nebraska (where 11 contiguous counties boast fewer than 500 inhabitants each) at least I know where to look for a friend....

24 comments:

Phain said...

Your mortgage company had your address wrong??? That's kind of like your bank having your account number wrong!

I'll assume the NE lady spoke kind of fast? If that had been a SOUTHERN telemarketer, that entire conversation would have been just as non-stop but drawn out painfully long and slow...we southerners have a way with that sort of thing - adding extra syllables and all that ;)

11 contiguous counties boast fewer than 500 inhabitants each... **makes me very scared**

lime said...

phain, yeah you noticed the irony of that error too huh? that scares me as much as the sparseness of population...

G-Man said...

La Chat qui a peur?

Ya know limey, whenever I get a female telemarketer on the phone, I start to breathe very heavy and make these little moaning gutteral sounds. If they ask if anything is wrong, I say..."No nothings wrong at all, I'm just getting a little head right now"
At that point they usually ask if later would be better...I then say "For you or for me"?
Try it.....It's fun!!

S said...

OMG I am going to try that, Gman!
LOL

Lime, that is hilarious! I love how you wrote it all squished together like that lol....most excellent.

Ameratis said...

Hey wait a minute! That is how I talk on the phone!

;) LOL Just kidding, though I do tend to talk that fast despite my southern upbringing.

Diesel said...

You should have stopped paying your mortgage to see who got evicted.

My in-laws just moved back to CA from Nebraska. They all looked kind of relieved.

steve said...

Yes I would say VERY weird!! LOL

Hypersonic said...

Yes, but did you get to correct the mistake?

Nice one lime and Mr. G-Man...I am soooo going to do that!

Heather said...

Now that's funny.

I think I prefer muzak.

Breazy said...

LOL! At least she was a friendly telemarketer! You could have got one of the mean pushy ones that you have to hang up on a couple of times!

Have a good day!

I am so glad I am not a telemarketer calling G-man's home because I would laugh in his ear !

lime said...

g-man, you are brilliant! i once handed the phone to a limelette when she was a toddler and enamoured of the phone.

s,wellshewasreallyreallyafasttalkerimeanshecouldrattleoffanentireparagraphwithouteverhavingtotakeabreathyouknow?

ameratis, thanks for the warning, lol

diesel, i can believe it!

steve, surreal even..

hypersonic, i think i got it corrected. the more highly quallified agent seemed to have fewer verbal skills. like she had an IQ of 45 and had marbles in her mouth

heather, well, i scammed a blog post out of the experience at the very least

breazy, yes, i've read the riot act to a rude one or two before i slammed the phone in their ear

Balou said...

LOL Lime! Too fun! Do you know how tempted I am to call 1-800-YAK-ALOT just to see who answers?

G-Man said...

Hehehehehe,
Now all of a sudden, the telemarketers are wishing they were home!
I'm so proud of myself for passing my little game along...xox

airplanejayne said...

Having spent a few years in Nebraska (although it was the southeastern corner) -- I can pretty much promise you that she wasn't a local...

because......most....cornhuskers.....talk.....very.....slow.....slow....enough....to....watch...the....corn...grow....

lecram sinun said...

LOL & LMAO! APJ ::smirk::

SignGurl said...

I'm exhausted just reading that!

My grandpa lays the phone down and lets the telemarketers go on and on. He returns a while later to hang up the phone.

I reall like G-Man's response. I'm not sure it would work quite as well for us women. Also, why in the heck would you answer the phone if you were that involved?

Hypersonic said...

Are you sure they were marbles...or was she a friend of G-Man's?

Rusty Nails said...

Oh, too funny! But you didn't get her number? You missed an awesome opportunity for a pen / phone pal. Sheesh! Is Nebraska really that sparsely populated? Fabulous! Maybe I could convince Logo to move there?

Chikken said...

I know, I know...I was in the WORST mood our first week out here in the country when I had to be on terminal hold all the time reconnecting internet, phone, cable, etc. and when I finally would get a person, they would tell me their life story...I was not in the mood...but like you...I was cordial.

If you move to Nebraska, I'll visit you. And you can call me every day on my 800 number.

lime said...

baloou, let me know who answers ;)

gman, you have caused quite the sensation over here!;)

apj, well...thank you...for...enlightening...........me

lecram, teehee ;)

signgurl, you make a very excellent point!

hypersonic, LMAO!!!

rusty, you are a sick man, we'll send you and mr liem there, logo and i will live with the kids on seattle

chikken, bless you, i may need that...

barman said...

Wow, never had that happen before. You know you should have asked her if there was a special telemarketer class or something to learn how to talk like that. OK, that would have been mean and I suspect you do not do mean a lot.

I wonder what would happen if that person were to run into one of those persons that talk ... real ... slow ... and ... you ... almost ... want ... to ... help ... them ... with ... what ... they ... are ... saying. I think it would be real amusing to see what happens.

Rurality said...

Scary. Most scary!

tl said...

At least you got someone you could understand.
All we get is Indians (dots) who speak just as fast, but sadly, no normal person can understand. lol.

:)

javajazz said...

that is really funny!
isnt it really a challenge to write words all shmushed together like that! thats a retrain for the brain! ha! funny story, Lime!