Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Weird Wednesday-Just in the Nick of Time (or an Ear)

Feeling lonely with Valentine's Day approaching rapidly? Well have I got a solution for you! Head on over to the Dead Celebrity Soulmate Search and see who is perfect for you. Plug in a few answers about who you are and what you're looking for and you'll be given three potential soulmates' profiles to further investigate. I suppose since they are dead you may need a medium or a ouija board at the very least to make the first date, but it's a start.

Who did they pair me with?

Well first I got Raven. He's a quiet scholarly type who likes to write, visit graveyards, and experience melancholia. He's looking for a partner who enjoys sorrow and madness.
My most humbling moment... When my cousin and wife, the love of my life, Virginia, succumbed to tuberculosis. Oh, Virginia! A day naught goes by but I hear your sweet cry! (I'm sensing someone who's not ready to move on here.)

My greatest accomplishment... There was this bird bothering me for some time, but I finally decided to write about it and ended up making a decent amount of money. (Well, I guess it's better than the neighbor's dog constantly leaving piles in the back money to be made there.)

My ideal date would include... After dinner slow and stately, as have been my dinners lately, we would sit and over coffee share our thoughts a little more. 'Til I'd note with fearful gasping, how your voice was gently rasping, rasping in a dusty tone, like Virginia long before. I'd have to see you... nevermore! (Well, isn't that special...a way with words but again with the moving on...)

The celebrity I resemble most... Harry Dean Stanton (*shudders)

If I could be anywhere at the moment...
At Virginia's graveside.

The book on my bedside table... A collection of works by Edward Gorey and the first couple of volumes of the Lemony Snicket series. (Well, some good reads at least)

The things I can't live without...
A novelty skull with a candle sticking out of the top (I forget who gave it to me); my cameo of Virginia ( romantic.)

Fill in the blanks.
Madness is sexy... melancholia is sexier.

In my home you will find...
An unusually new-looking brick wall, which you must never go near. A soft, moist spot on the floorboards, which you must keep covered by the rug at all times. A black cat, which you must feed regularly lest he torment you with the madness-inducing mews of hell. I call him Fluffertop. (Alrighty then, that's a solid vote for my place, not his!)

Bachelor #2 is veni_veggie_vinci, who is a sculptor, draftsman, and vegetarian looking for an apprentice to his heart.
My most humbling moment... Well, my plans for the flying machine didn't quite work out. (My plans for ziplining didn't work so well either, this could be a dangerous match.)

My greatest accomplishment...
Have you ever heard of this painting called "The Last Supper?" That was me. (I hope this indicates more of a faithful viewpoint than a cheapskate skipping out on the dinner tab mentality.)

My ideal date would
include... After a simple meal in my studio, you would disrobe for me and I would translate your beauty into sculpture. You would smile mysteriously at me, a sort of half smile that I'd have trouble interpreting. We would probably have to schedule several dates in a row for me to complete my tribute. (Ooohhh, sounds like all sorts of fun. Maybe he could help me with HNT ideas too!)

The celebrity I resemble most...
Willie Nelson (Pre-IRS troubles or Post-IRS?)

If I could be anywhere at the moment...
In my studio. (Do I get to be draped artistically?)

The book on my bedside table...
"Teach Yourself Electricity and Electronics, 2nd Ed." (Hope this goes better than the flying thing...)

The things I can't live without...
Sculpting tools; sketchbooks (Artistic, i like that.)

Fill in the blanks. Youth and beauty is sexy... engineering a system by which one can deliver running water throughout an estate is sexier. (Um, not what I was hoping for, but a girl does like a shower on a regular basis...)

In my home you will find... Sketches, sketches, and more sketches; a chisel; charcoal; fragments and scraps from all my abandoned projects; at least one apprentice, probably disrobed, unless the vice police are loitering about. (Hey! I thought I was the disrobed one!)

Bachelor #3 is Sunflowers, a moody, depressed artist unappreciated in his time. He's looking for someone to appreciate his art and help him sell some paintings.
My most humbling moment... The whole time I was painting regularly, I was only able to sell one canvas. (Hope ya didn't quite yer day job.)

My greatest accomplishment... One of my paintings, in today's dollars, is now worth over $116 million. (Impressive!)

My ideal date would include... First off, I promise I will not cut off anything while we're together. We could check out some galleries if you're interested. We could also watch a movie, anything but "Reservoir Dogs". (Why do I need to worry about
things being cut off? Should I hide the sharp implements?)

The celebrity I resemble most... Jack Palance with red hair (OK, he's kind of rugged and manly.)

If I could be anywhere at the moment... In Arles, Bouches-du-Rhone, France. It's the perfect place for an art colony, if only I could convince other artists. (Sounds lovely)

The book on my bedside table...
"The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat," by Oliver Sacks (Oh my stars, this could either mean he's completely inattentive...or he wants to wear me on his head...hhmm...further investigation needed...)

The things I can't live without...
Brush, blade, canvas, my gauze-wrapped and dried up bit of ear (Hiding the kitchen knives NOW!)

Fill in the blanks.
A young woman walking down the street is sexy... the burning essence of living color all around us is sexier. (Well, that's poetic and exciting!)

In my home you will find...
A lot of canvas, my paints, and some fresh sunflowers... sometimes they help cheer me up. (Does that mean he'll be sending me flowers rather than ears?)

Ok, it's a tough choice but I think I will go with veni_veggie_vinci..

Leonardo da Vinci responds... "I really need to finish these sketches for my latest invention, and then start work on the mechanical lion statue that has been commissioned by the King, but your beauty and intelligence captivate me. Let us meet, and soon!" (Why did he even sign-up with this dating service if he isn't going to respond quickly!)

What your date might be like...
If you've ever dated someone with ADD, you might have an idea of what to expect. Leonardo might suddenly disappear to work on an idea, or might change topics midstream as some concept or phrase triggers a new series of thoughts. Your best bet is to offer your assistance on whatever project he is involved in at the moment; then, at least you'll be able to talk a little, even if the conversation will mainly consist of being given a series of instructions by your overachieving master. (Great, so life will be dictated by his whims? How about MY interests, Leo? You know I have hopes and dreams too! I have ideas and a brain! much for dead celebrity soulmates. Maybe I should have gone for the marauders instead of the artists....Hope you all do better.)


James Goodman-Horror Writer said...

lol, that was a fun little quiz. I think you chose wisely from your selections.:D

furiousBall said...

ok that was crazy, you chose wisely.

lime said...

james and furiousball, with raven i just wasn't hearing the wedding bells bells bells bells. and a severed ear is just never the way to impress a girl.

Queenie said...

Whats wrong with a severed ear, PARDON!!!!

Bunny said...

I got veni_veggie_vinci, then Raven, then Sunflowers. Apparently you and I are a lot alike, Michelle!

lecram said...

LOL... Leo! Maybe if your really sweet he'll tell you if there really was a "code".

barman said...

I got Eye of Dawn - Dancer and artist, interested in Oriental arts, seeks strong supportive partner to help provide a stable life for me and my daughter. Gosh I sound boring.

I think your third choice may have been better, just keep those knifes well hidden. Run, don't walk, from your first choice or your residence may get a new brick wall all of a sudden.

Breazy said...

Weird but I got the same three as you.

Lime I love reading your blog because you are always making me laugh and I believe that laughter is the best thing for us. I almost fell out of my office chair laughing over this post.

Thanks for laughs and have a great day!

david mcmahon said...

Just don't go ziplining with with veni_veggie_vinci..

And about chocolate - the only thing I know about it is to eat lots, and quickly!!

RennyBA said...

Life is sometimes tough and with hard decisions - you did the right!

Btw: now It's me who should say sorry for not visiting for long - just wanna say I love your chocolate post too :-)

Maddy said...

I'd have a go if I could engineer the results!

G-Man said...

I got a headache from reading this...Holy Shit!
Aren't your fingers cramped up?
BTW...I did read the whole thing...
I hope you are feeling better..(((BIG HUG)))

Logophile said...

I got Rudolph Valentino, THEN Raven, THEN the Sunflowered earless one. Velly Intellesting

M said...

this is funny!!

i got stuck on the first question. i have to choose a symbol and i can never remember which is the male symbol and which is the female symbol. (duh. could they make it more obvious and just give a symbol of breasts for a woman and a penis for a man!)

M said... your post you wrote this:

The celebrity I resemble most... Harry Dean Stanton

huh??? wth? resemble physically or personality wise? either way, i don't think so!

jillie said...

LOL...Rudolph Valentino is mine...should have known...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

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