In the last 24 hours...
I have been told, "I hate you."
I have found the birthday presents I gave the child who hates me stacked up on my bed with a note that says, "I don't want these."
I have been told her birthday celebration on Saturday completely sucked because although I made the cake she requested and the meal she wanted (labor intensive roti and curried potatoes & chick peas plus pasta salad and hamburgers for the 4 grandparents I knew would never eat curry. Oh, yeah, did I mention it was 95 degrees while I spent all afternoon over the stove?) I failed to include spaghetti as requested. It also sucked because everyone paid more attention to the friend she had over than to her. We had the friend over for 2 nights in a row at my daughter's request.
I took her and her sister shopping for the bathing suits they needed. The one behaving hatefully decided to have fits when I nixed suits I considered immodest. She slammed doors in my face and her sister's face.
I have taken her bedroom door off the hinges and she has no phone, TV, or computer privileges until she shapes up. However, Mr. Lime informed me I am being too harsh with her.
Mr. Lime then informed me that the transmission in my car will be $1300 to replace with a rebuilt one and no warranty or $3000 to replace with a new one and a warranty but he's just going to bring it home and plunk it in the driveway because we don't have the money. Then he reminded me he's driving to Louisiana for 6 weeks, oh, and Diana might stay with him for the 6 weeks instead of just the week and a half planned. He's so noble to sacrifice so much of his summer to do hurricane recovery work.
The child behaving hatefully called me 10 minutes ago to ask me to bring her forgotten English textbook to school. Mr. Lime rode his bicycle to work even though he has a motorcycle. His truck is in the driveway. It barely has any gas.
No, I don't think I will.
46 comments:
I'm sorry about all of this...I hope things work out OK.
And you're right to not take your daughter's book over to her. Let her sweat it out a bit.
oh, Lime. I am so sorry to hear about the hatefulness dominating your home. I hope she shapes up soon. I'm sending soothing vibes your way...
*hugs*
xolimexo
Dang girl, you're having a bad day!
Plus, you've made me hungry for curry and I don't know how to make it.
Hope things will improve for the whole household.
best wishes amiga. that's great your husband is helping out with hurricane relief help.
Oh no. I am so sorry. Just hang in there. It is all horrible but normal. So I hear. It really will get better. If you can just hang on you will have your sweet daughter back again even though I know that seems impossible. Hang in there!!!!
My dear mother put up with the most evil teenage daughter (my sis, not me of course) in history. I often ask her how she did it. She always says that she just tried not to take it personally. She knew it wasn't really about her. Still, I can't imagine.
I don't think you are being too hard on her. I think she needs to know that while she may be angry it is not okay to treat people (especially her family) that way.
HANG IN THERE!
We'll need to start you on dark chocolate and monitor your progress. If that doesn't have the effect we want, we'll have to do a peanut butter milkshake next. I know it's extreme, but let's just hope the dark chocolate takes.
Door off the hinges... I have that tool in my own toolbox. Mattress on the floor (taking away box spring and frame) is another option I have thought of using.
Whether she realizes it now or not, she doesn't really hate you. Oh, and one thought that brings me comfort is to remember that hamsters eat their young. I don't know why that would help, but hey--there ya go!
DON'T! Don't take that book! If you do it only reinforces the fact that said daughter can treat you like shit and that it's okay by you.
DON'T! Don't be a doormat! Tell her, bringing her the book would be a kind and loving thing to do, sure... But she has not practiced kindness or loving towards you therefore you've decided not to engage until she's ready to treat you like a fellow human being.
Have you read 'I'm OK, You're OK'... Excellent book, I highly recommend you and your daughter both read it so you can discuss the difficulties your facing with each other while you're both in 'Your Adult'... That'll make sense when you read the book.
Good luck hon! Big Hugs!
Nope, not too harsh.
We have gratitude problems from our two oldest kids. Always demanding, never appreciating, always wanting MORE no matter what it is that they've gotten. They're not old enough for the "I hate you's" yet, though. I'm not looking forward to it.
My son knows that if he slams his door one more time, we will take it off the hinges. My stepdaughter knows that if she whines about having to leave the pool again, we will not go back for a week.
I think not taking her English book to her is a natural consequence for her actions, and she needs to experience it. In my opinion, TV, Phone and Computer are privileges, not rights, and only for those who demonstrate some maturity. Your daughter clearly isn't. Maybe she needs to get a summer job or volunteer to help people who are disadvantaged.
You're doing a great job and your family is lucky to have you, even if they don't realize it. Make something chocolaty and yum and don't share it with anybody. :) Well, maybe the daughter who is behaving. Maybe.
Aw, geez. All I have for you are platitudes, but here goes.
Everything will get better. Your daughter will look back on this someday and realize that she treated you like shit. She will regret it. Your car will get fixed, or else you'll get better transportation. It is all in God's plan.
(God's plan seems to chew on a big one sometimes, but that's the way it goes.)
I'm saying a prayer for you now. God bless.
Hmmm, somethin in the air? A misalignment of celestial bodies perhaps?
Go and say hello to the Hughes' for me.
Peace.
Whoa! One of those days, huh? Sorry to hear that, Lime. Hope it all evens out soon.
I suggest you strike and spoil yourself for a bit. BTW... feel free to email a vent if the need arises.
Doh! When it rains it pours eh? Man, sorry to hear that.
Things will turn around soon. ;)
is this child related to mine? i swear they must be...
I would have immediately placed said birthday presents up for sale on E-Bay. No sense in throwing them out when there's money to be made.
I agree 100% with your reactions to her (lack of doors and privileges). Nor would I have taken the book up to the school.
It's called tough love. Regardless of whether they are 9 or 19 there is no excuse for boorish behavior and need to learn there are consequences to acting like a jerk.
Stick with it - don't give in because then they learn what your limit is and how long they have to wait you out. Of course - all of this you already know!!
::hugs::
Hey, I thought I was next in line to hate you...what happened? They cut in line...
I had the big $2700 in transmission too. Somehow that wasn't in my forecasted budget. But I'm going to put airplane falling out of sky and onto home into my next forecasted budget...
Hey Lime, I ran across this today:
http://carriestuckmann.blogspot.com/2008/06/dear-candid-carrie.html
and it's perhaps one of the funnier blog posts I've ever read... Perhaps it'll help cheer you up.
Good for you...don't do it. let her face her own consequences.
Aren't teenagers great?
I like the b-day on EBay idea.
Good call.
My son has said and done many of the same things. My approach leaned toward the laid back, tough love approach. Many times it didn't work, but in the long run it did. Here's some ideas for you that worked for me.
You never give me blah, blah, blah... So I told him I'd show him what never meant if he really believed that. I did and he learned. Whenever he said that again, I asked him if he wanted me to show him what never meant? He took it back.
Pick up your toys in the back yard so I can mow. No? Fine then they all go into the garbage. Most of them did too, until he came out and beat me to them. He put them all in the baskets where they belonged. I went in the house and he took the rest out of the garbage. He was never as messy again. Just the threat of the trash and he'd clean up when I asked him too.
Put your laundry in the hamper. No, then they won't get washed. They didn't either until he ran out of clean clothes and put them in the hamper. Then he had to wait for laundry day to get them washed. He was good after that. When he got old enough to trust with the washer and dryer, I made him do his won laundry. Now he has to do it himself or he wears dirty clothes, which I've seen him do from time to time.
Clean up your room. No, then I'll get the garbage can and throw everything out. He remembered the back yard thing and cleaned up his room. Maybe the time I stomped his plastic guitar to bits because he didn't put it away reinforced my threats were serious. Truthfully he had the cleanest room of any teenager I've ever seen and still does.
Dad, there are ants in my room. It's your own fault. I told you not to leave dirty dishes in your room. No more dirty dishes hidden under the chair or bed. One day a few years ago he saw some ants in the dishwasher and ran it to get rid of them. Still runs it most of the time ants or not. He even puts the clean dishes away, sometimes without me even asking.
I don't like that! Just try it and maybe you'll like it or starve. Sure he went hungry a few times, because there wasn't much he'd eat that meal, but now he eats pretty much anything. He was the only toddler I know of that ate escargot in mushroom caps, fried alligator tail and ate his vegetables, with broccoli being his favorite. Mix broccoli with a little olive oil & tubitini pasta and he's in heaven.
PS
I'd take her gifts back to the store if I was you and not give her anything to replace them.
Oh the terrible-teens! I am so sorry you're having to deal with this, without the support from Mr. Lime that you need.
Stick to your guns, don't back down on this one, make her realize her behavior is unacceptable and hang in there! HUGS!!!!!!
You are amazing my dear!
It really grinds you down doesn't it.
We went through that stage with my eldest, it was very grim. I never thought I would survive.
As luck would have it, I come from a country that relishes 'the year away.'
She spent a year in China with my brother [her uncle]. She learned many, many things such as 'an education is a privilege,' the road is a toilet......
When she returned, we all found that she had returned to being the high minded person that she had always been before the teens, but a little older.
Very best wishes.
Big hugs to you. You know that I'm here if you need to vent to someone who can completely relate to teenagers.
Thoroughly obnoxious parent that I could be at times when my kids were growing up, they learned very quickly that unless it was an absolute dire emergency -like blood being involved or some such (maybe a threat of police intervention or some such) that do NOT rely on dear old Mom to come to the rescue. They learned fairly early to take what they needed when they had to have it at school. I think that's a bit of karma there coming into play don't you?
Oh man
I have two yurts.
You can come and live in one.
You will be in wine country.
There will be no rent.
You might need a sleeping bag and an air mattress.
You will be an hour from San Fran.
You will have grapes, apples and blackberries...run away! Run awayyyy!
Run run run awayyyyy Lime!
I swear if you do it, they will miss you so bad...they will appreciate you, they will learn the hard way.
Just dont bring a cat, it will get eaten by the beast next door!
I hope things get better hon.
And the last time said CHILD (clearly she's not acting like a young adult) was put over your knee was??? OK, I suppose you're not as "violent" as me -- but, teenager or not, I WOULDN'T tolerate behavior such as you've described here from a child of mine. My house, my rules, I WILL be shown the proper respect that I've EARNED, deserve, and have shown. So, a daughter of mine probably wouldn't have held out for an immodest bathing suit because she would be embarassed to wear it with my hand print clearly showing on her exposed "cheeks".
All that being said, I think you've been getting some excellent "tough love" suggestions from your faithful readers, Michelle -- and I hope you have the resolve to see the measures you've implemented (loss of privileges/privacy, etc.) through until they yield the desired results. Luckily, most teens aren't horrible ALL seven years that they are teenagers, but each one is a little different and their "I hate you" stage might come a little earlier or a little later and last a little longer or a little shorter time than someone else's teen. The important thing is that you continue to love them throughout (as I KNOW you do), try not to take their hormone-driven rants TOO personally (although "I hate you" DOES sound rather personal at the time) and take solace from the fact that you are NOT alone and that both you and your daughter (and other two kids as well) will survive this "phase" and still love each other when it's all said and done. That knowledge doesn't help all that much at the time the "drama" is taking place, but history is on your side: "thus it is, thus it has always been, thus it always shall be..."
Take care of YOU my friend while all of this is playing out. As hard as it might be, try to find some way (short of self-medicating) to relax, de-stress, and let it all go. Maybe that idea of "running away" for a few days isn't all bad. Let them fare for themselves for a little while so they gain a better appreciation for all that you do for them. As for Mr. Lime, I'm speaking out of turn here, but what sort of fucktard leaves his wife and the mother of his children stranded without reliable transportation while he goes off to work or takes off to do charity work. YOU should have the best mode of transportation in the family and he can deal with transmission issues and putting gas in whatever it is that he drives/rides to work. Shame on him!
OK, I'm done ranting here. I feel a LOT better! ;-) I wish I could make YOU feel better as easily. Unfortunately, it may take the passage of some time before you will be able to look back on these "issues" and put them in better perspective -- and perhaps even find some humor and positive aspects to them. In the meantime, I think it should be obvious to you that you have lots of friends here who care deeply about you and wish you only the best. Stay strong my good friend...
I remember being a teenage girl...the only thing my mom didn't do was take the door off the hinges but the rest sounds about right. Sounds like stormy waters for sure. Hope the storm settles soon.
When she says, "I hate you," the clever comeback is to say, "Yeah, it sucks to be you."
even if you only say it in your brain....
If it's any consolation, they do grow out of this stage -- but only if we allow them to live through it. My (ex)husband did not allow sharp knives in the house during Erynn's teen years.
Have Mr. Lime take the bus to go do Hurricane work -- he's not going to need a vehicle down where he is. You need it more.
Come on out to Cali, baby -- I've a pole with your name on it!
APj
Oh man that is so terrible with it all happening at the same time. I love what everyone has been suggesting. And good for you about the book. I believe what comes around goes around comes to mind.
I know the last 24 hours must have been terrible because you always seem to be so upbeat. I hope the next 24 hours are better. Sending emergency {{{hugs}}} just in case they are needed.
As to the transmission, I went through that a little while ago. My car was about 12 years old but it was doing well other than that. So I sprung the curiously same amount, $1,300 but I did get a 2 year guarantee. My problem was the transmission did real well for many years after that (and still is) but then I had to have the timing chain replaced, and many other expensive repairs until I was about $3,000 in the hole. I hope you have better luck than I did.
I'm sorry. I hope the week improves from here on out.
He's not taking the truck to Louisiana, is he? Are you supposed to haul children around on the motorcycle?
oh dear. how you wrote that without dropping the f-bomb a couple of times, i will never know!!
BIG HUGS!!
Oh Lime, I am so sorry to hear that you are having to put up with all of this. How you haven't slapped the brown stuff out of somebody yet is beyond me. I am sending prayers your way!
HUGS!
teenagers are an ungrateful lot, aren't they? i have gotten pass the point of bringing crap to school that the kids have forgotten since i was getting called fifty million times (mostly by my stepson). my husband and i refuse to bring anything else. except he says that we will only bring important projects that are due. uh yeah, why is that? because he and i have had to bring his kid TWO major projects. not like it's doing him any good considering he had the worse report card out of the three kids. anyways, i feel for you...i'm getting major attitude from my girls now. :-/ ~~positive vibes~~
Waving magic wand for a solution ...
NOW
Parenting has got to be one of the hardest parts of being an adult.
A lot of teenagers are causing a ton of gray hair out there.
Cheers Bella!!!
Lear:
If she must teem,
Create her child of spleen, that it may live
And be a thwart disnatur'd torment to her!
Let it stamp wrinkles in her brow of youth,
With cadent tears fret channels in her cheeks,
Turn all her mother's pains and benefits
To laughter and contempt, that she may feel
How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is
To have a thankless child!
King Lear Act 1, scene 4, 281–289
Lime - I once took the door off the hinges of my 15 year old daughter's room. Also took the phone extension in my room off the hook, and then locked the door so she would have no phone access (this was before cell phones were a household item). She responded by moving out to go live at her Dad's house - refusing to speak to me on her sweet sixteen birthday 2 weeks later. It hurt. That was some 15 years ago, and now we are quite close. Deciding to forego her birthday presents was a grand attempt at showing her anger - but heck - hope you proceeded to take them back to the store. No fun all the way around - hope the thing has quieted down by now. It's not easy to be the Mom.
I think your response to your daughter's little hissy fit was spot on. Harsh? Not even. You said it correctly when you used the word "privilege". All of those things are privileges and can be withdrawn when a child acts in such a manner. There are no magic answers but you have to start somewhere.
You're not being too harsh, she is. And just remember: the teenage years are only temporary. Then she'll realize you were right.
The child from hell? Is this a sudden change for her? You did the right thing in both cases. Keep an eye on here tho, if the change is recent something else might be going on.
Been there, done that and survived.
Ah teens. I'm not sure which are worse - the overemotional female outbursts or the silently brooding males. Most of them do outgrow their self-centered tendencies but the natural consequences do help speed them along.
Lack of appreciation for Mom's efforts result in not considering her demands next time. Cater to your own and other more appreciative family members. Hissy fit over generous gifts results in finding that they've been returned to the store. She can also wear last year's bathing suit. The best, most naturally occurring natural consequence is that book. Whatever discomfort it causes her is her own doing. She truly needs to know that she can not treat you as she has and expect you to take it.
This too shall pass. She'll most likely outgrow her spoiled brat behaviour. Until then, she needs to realize that you respect yourself even if she doesn't.
Sending you good thoughts and maternal strength.
David sent me.
I'm really sorry that you have all of this going on with your daughter. I swear they all reach a point at which they are possessed by demons, because I know that happened with my daughter. She was (and still is some days) horrible to me. It hurts. It sucks. And there doesn't seem to be any way to get it to stop.
I hope this storm blows over quickly, and you were ABSOLUTELY right not to be at her beck and call today. Let her take her own lumps.
Peace - D
Holy Bajeebus, honey. My blood pressure just spiked on your behalf. I'm not sure any half of a couple should go off for six weeks without the other half, even under the guise of "doing good." Crikey.
Oh Limey, that sounds awful. I can totally relate to taking the door off the hinges thing, because as you know I've done the same in the past. Why are kids sometimes so horrid? I'm with you on this one -nip it in the bud before she walks all over you. Sounds like Mr. Lime needs to do some shaping up as well. Any privileges you can take away from him? ;) (Just trying to cheer you up)
I don't believe that I have ever read ALL of a group's comments on anyones blog before this. But the genuine care, concern, empathy, and love that your friends have for you is beyond wonderful. such a warm and inviting bunch of folks! And damned smart as well. (And I cracked up with breazy's "slapped the brown stuff out of somebody." Great stuff!)
I could not ad a scintilla to what has already been so generously offered ... but I can Love the stuffin' outta Ya!
OMG Lime! Doesn't life in general just suck? Wow I feel for you. There is NO fury like a teenager on a rampage. Really hurtful. And loud (usually).
You (imho) are absolutely SPOT ON with the sanctions you have placed on the hateful one. I did the same. And it works. It is not about their opinions about us, our cooking or any other matter they hate about us, it is about their behaviour and the lack of respect for a fellow human being, adult, elder and parent. That is how I saw it with mine. That was why he had priviledges withdrawn. Don't back down girl, we are right with you!
Hang in there. It honestly does pass. (Eventually).
[My teenager is still a teenager and has now passed that and is my rock on the whole, with a bit of tantrum randomly thrown in now and again, but nothing like it was at 14-16 y/o)
*hugs*
Sorry I haven't been around that much lately and how sad it was to read about all your struggles. This really shows life isn't fare all the time - I so much wish I could do anything to chase your pain - You are in my thoughts dear friend!
I'm sorry that you had to go through all that. Did you feel like the whipping boy? If so, I can relate.
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