Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The Most Irreverent Lime

Back before we had children we attended a very small church. The Sunday evening service was a pretty casual affair. One Super Bowl Sunday the Pastor kept telling us to make sure we came back that evening for the Super Service. If he said it once he said it a dozen times. I took Mr. Lime's red Union Jack long underwear, slapped a big "S" on the front and fashioned a cape out of a blanket and went to the Super Service thusly attired. (Image from http://www.popartuk.com/g/l/lghr0230.jpg)


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They asked me to teach 1st grade Sunday School for a year. I did. I thought the curriculum was boring. I stuck to whatever the story was but trashed the watered down lesson. There were some folks who were not highly amused by having the class sit ON the tables instead of AT the tables and making a lot of noise and jumping around. Well, see we were paddling Jonah's boat and there was this big storm and he fell overboard, ya know? Because storms are kind of scary and people get kind of panicked by them and it's fun to flick the lights on and off real fast and make lightning. And if you're going to make lightning you need thunder noises to go with it. And when you're drowning in the sea it's even scarier and you might scream and if some great fish..because it's a fish, not a whale, because there are these crazy fish over there that actually can swallow people, whales can't do that because they have this stuff called baleen that strains out everything except krill which is itty bitty...so anyway, if one of those crazy fish comes after you now how scary is THAT? I mean really! So anyway, now this fish swallows you whole and swims around and then barfs you up. And so well we all have to make barfing sounds now and then we really maybe do want to barf because we think about how Jonah might be bald and stinky from fish belly juices eating away his hair and stuff and that is pretty gross after all and ya know if some guy came to talk to you about your life and he was all bald and stinky from fish belly juice maybe he might kinda get your attention. First graders dig that sort of stuff. Their parents, not always so much.
(Image from http://www.adventjugend.ch/beide/galerie/Cartoons/Humorfromm_3/jonah.jpg)

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Holy Thursday at our church is marked with a very simple communion service after which all lights are extinguished. The congregation sits in the dark contemplating the betrayal and arrest of Christ on this solemn night and anyone who wants to may begin a hymn. After several had been sung a boy's voice was heard from the back as he sang the first few words to Christ the Lord Has Risen Today then hesitated and stopped before saying, "Oh poop. Never mind." At that point each one in our family looked at up and down the pew at the others to confirm that we really heard what we thought we heard and silently agreed to the scatological reference before great spasms of silent guffaws began to shake the pew violently while we all attempted to maintain composure. Hands were clapped over mouths, shoulders heaved, and eye contact was avoided. I began to pinch Isaac's thigh HARD when I heard the first snorts escaping from his tight lips. We all started to breathe more deeply and calmly and have some measure of hope in restoring decorum until we looked up and saw the youth pastor convulsing in front of us in his own silent stifled giggles. (Image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/100gurus/2259812153/)


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I was working in the church nursery with another lady and her college-aged daughter. Two toddlers, a boy and a girl, were "negotiating" over a mutually desired toy. The boy was sitting with a toy the girl wanted. The girl, who was standing, now stooped to try to take the toy and the boy pulled it from her reach. She straightened up and considered the situation before hiking her dress to reveal her thigh as her gaze caught the boy's eyes. I whispered to the other workers, "A little leg never hurts when you want to get your way."

The girl swayed a little when the boy's focus shifted back to the toy. He looked back up at her then she lifted her dress all the way up to her chin. As he sat there slack-jawed and drooling she snatched the toy away and ran to the other side of the room. I intoned, "Toddlers gone wild."
(Image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/24674369@N06/2399337168/)


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So once again I am in charge of VBS crafts next week. I always try to make at least one project to remind the kids of the different part of the world we learn about each year. If you recall, 2 years ago we had visitors from Papua New Guinea and I jokingly suggested penis gourds as a craft activity. Word got back to our guests and they presented me with my very own penis gourd to keep forever and ever. (I guess I have to work on acquiring the necessary appendage for said garment.) This year we will be learning about Brazil so I was thinking sequined pasties for Carnival might be a big hit. At least if our guests call my bluff and give me a set I can wear them for real!
(Image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/istolethetv/121505999/)

23 comments:

SignGurl said...

Bingo!!

*flails arms wildly* I wanna be in your Sunday school class! You would be the ultimate fun teacher.

G-Man said...

I'm Hot for teacher!!!

RiverPoet said...

I think it's great if you can make church fun for kids (ok - and adults, too). Awesome!

Peace - D

S said...

Oh yay! Time for burnt wooden matchstick crosses whoo hoo!


Bra purses?

Hee hee ok make the penis gourds I say.

Missy said...

You could suggest making hemp thongs lol...

Have a great day lime

Suldog said...

If you had been MY Sunday School teacher, I would have looked forward to going, instead of dreading it. Good for you! Keeping the kids actually interested in the stories, rather than forcing them to digest what they find boring, is wonderful.

I'm absolutely, positively sure that God approved, even if some others didn't.

Craver Vii said...

I love what you did with Jonah to communicate the event. Bizarre craft suggestions aside, you sound like an excellent Sunday School teacher!

1st graders?! I don't know if I can work that age group for a whole season. It was difficult to dumb things down for the 1st & 2nd graders when we did VBS this year. 4th & 5th graders are easier, 'cause they're just as smart as me.

Er, wait... that didn't come out right.

Craver Vii said...

Okay, they probably are just as smart as me, but don't tell anybody!

mssolitaire said...

LOL.... ok I have some stories for you!!! :) You would have been much better than the sunday school teach I had growing up.... dang! I wish I was in your class! :)

EmBee said...

Here's a thought... Get a hold of those toddlers and make a 'Tots Gone Wild - Carnival Edition'... That'll make the parents sit up and take notice.

VE said...

Boy, I hope the pastor didn't mistake that big 'S' to stand for Satan!

Gawpo said...

I loved each and every story. But that toddler toy battle was the best.

I swear, you guys are BORN with that savvy! Works great, though, huh?

Hi, Limers!!!!!

tsduff said...

You really should get a prize for all those fabulous theatrics when telling stories. Ha ha ha about the penis gourd - that story takes the cake.

Beach Bum said...

My wife and I did toddler care for our church years ago. We don't go to that church anymore but every now and then while taking my kids to school I'll see one of those kids I helped take care of and I feel really old.

snowelf said...

It's 7:30pm and this may be the first time I have had a reason to laugh all day. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Queen Lime of Hilarity.

--snow

p.s. I have magnetic poetry too, but I haven't played with it in a long time.

~Tim said...

You so funny!

You might be biologically challenged in growing a penis, but I think you have all you need to acquire any number of them....

Moosekahl said...

Holy Thursday is my favorite mass of the church year and that is just a precious, precious kid who understood completely! Better than any adult in the room :)

Thanks for the memory too, it made me cry a little. If it wasn't so darn hot and sticky I would go put my happy socks on and call it a night.

Palm Springs Savant said...

Lime- fun post. love the diversity of it. Nice job with the church Super Service, hee hee

Mona said...

That was hilarious! specially the hymn singing episode!

You were a quirky Sunday teacher I must agree...but then , conventional is soooo boring!

Sequined Pasties sound groovy :D

Maddy said...

Just playing catch up -

I'm amazed that you manage to pack all that in AND blog. Very impressive and definitely an apple for teacher.

Cheers

John-Michael said...

Not much generates a good guffaw ... but the "Oh poop. Never mind." bit got me! And then as I was recovering ... "the youth pastor convulsing in front of us in his own silent stifled giggles.", sent me right back over the edge. Great stuff!! Thanks for sharing it.

I believe that the apostle Paul said something on the order of "I am become all things to
all men, that I might by all means meet their needs." And you demonstrate, beautifully, a response to the requirements of those children in meeting their needs ... where they are. Well done, indeed!

Lovingly ...

seventh sister said...

I see visions of paper plates with macaroni glued to them in your future.

Pouty Lips said...

Aw poop.