The Most Irreverent Lime

Back before we had children we attended a very small church. The Sunday evening service was a pretty casual affair. One Super Bowl Sunday the Pastor kept telling us to make sure we came back that evening for the Super Service. If he said it once he said it a dozen times. I took Mr. Lime's red Union Jack long underwear, slapped a big "S" on the front and fashioned a cape out of a blanket and went to the Super Service thusly attired. (Image from http://www.popartuk.com/g/l/lghr0230.jpg)


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They asked me to teach 1st grade Sunday School for a year. I did. I thought the curriculum was boring. I stuck to whatever the story was but trashed the watered down lesson. There were some folks who were not highly amused by having the class sit ON the tables instead of AT the tables and making a lot of noise and jumping around. Well, see we were paddling Jonah's boat and there was this big storm and he fell overboard, ya know? Because storms are kind of scary and people get kind of panicked by them and it's fun to flick the lights on and off real fast and make lightning. And if you're going to make lightning you need thunder noises to go with it. And when you're drowning in the sea it's even scarier and you might scream and if some great fish..because it's a fish, not a whale, because there are these crazy fish over there that actually can swallow people, whales can't do that because they have this stuff called baleen that strains out everything except krill which is itty bitty...so anyway, if one of those crazy fish comes after you now how scary is THAT? I mean really! So anyway, now this fish swallows you whole and swims around and then barfs you up. And so well we all have to make barfing sounds now and then we really maybe do want to barf because we think about how Jonah might be bald and stinky from fish belly juices eating away his hair and stuff and that is pretty gross after all and ya know if some guy came to talk to you about your life and he was all bald and stinky from fish belly juice maybe he might kinda get your attention. First graders dig that sort of stuff. Their parents, not always so much.
(Image from http://www.adventjugend.ch/beide/galerie/Cartoons/Humorfromm_3/jonah.jpg)

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Holy Thursday at our church is marked with a very simple communion service after which all lights are extinguished. The congregation sits in the dark contemplating the betrayal and arrest of Christ on this solemn night and anyone who wants to may begin a hymn. After several had been sung a boy's voice was heard from the back as he sang the first few words to Christ the Lord Has Risen Today then hesitated and stopped before saying, "Oh poop. Never mind." At that point each one in our family looked at up and down the pew at the others to confirm that we really heard what we thought we heard and silently agreed to the scatological reference before great spasms of silent guffaws began to shake the pew violently while we all attempted to maintain composure. Hands were clapped over mouths, shoulders heaved, and eye contact was avoided. I began to pinch Isaac's thigh HARD when I heard the first snorts escaping from his tight lips. We all started to breathe more deeply and calmly and have some measure of hope in restoring decorum until we looked up and saw the youth pastor convulsing in front of us in his own silent stifled giggles. (Image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/100gurus/2259812153/)


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I was working in the church nursery with another lady and her college-aged daughter. Two toddlers, a boy and a girl, were "negotiating" over a mutually desired toy. The boy was sitting with a toy the girl wanted. The girl, who was standing, now stooped to try to take the toy and the boy pulled it from her reach. She straightened up and considered the situation before hiking her dress to reveal her thigh as her gaze caught the boy's eyes. I whispered to the other workers, "A little leg never hurts when you want to get your way."

The girl swayed a little when the boy's focus shifted back to the toy. He looked back up at her then she lifted her dress all the way up to her chin. As he sat there slack-jawed and drooling she snatched the toy away and ran to the other side of the room. I intoned, "Toddlers gone wild."
(Image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/24674369@N06/2399337168/)


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So once again I am in charge of VBS crafts next week. I always try to make at least one project to remind the kids of the different part of the world we learn about each year. If you recall, 2 years ago we had visitors from Papua New Guinea and I jokingly suggested penis gourds as a craft activity. Word got back to our guests and they presented me with my very own penis gourd to keep forever and ever. (I guess I have to work on acquiring the necessary appendage for said garment.) This year we will be learning about Brazil so I was thinking sequined pasties for Carnival might be a big hit. At least if our guests call my bluff and give me a set I can wear them for real!
(Image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/istolethetv/121505999/)