1. Can you fill this out without lying?
Is there a particularly compelling reason why you even need to ask?
2. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Something that went in hard and came out soft. Oh, it was a stick of gum, you pervs.
4. Where was your default picture taken?
Near de fault.
5. Last person you rode in a car with under the age of 20?
I was under 20 far too long ago to remember. Plus, I don't consider it a particularly momentous occasion that merits recalling. Besides, I can't even remember who I rode with yesterday.
6. Name someone that made you laugh today?
The cast of Monty Python
7. How late did you stay up last night and why?
By "up" do you mean vertical, maintaining a positive outlook, or in orbit?
8. If you could move somewhere else, would you?
I might shift my weight to my other butt cheek.
10. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
The one I have tied up in the closet.
11. Do you believe ex’s can be friends?
I don't know. Y? Maybe if they mind their Ps and Qs.
12. Calling or texting?
13. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
I've never felt about him. He's kind of standoffish about me putting my hands on him.
15. Where is your biological father right now?
I've never met him. I don't even know his name. How the heck would I know? But if you know, feel free to pass the information along.
16. Where are you at right now?
Why have you included a superfluous preposition in that sentence?
17. What bed did you sleep in last night?
Uuuuhh, exactly how many options do you think I have?
19. Who took your profile picture?
Someone took it? The rat! When I find out who, that person is really going to get a piece of my mind! And they darn well better give it back! (I mean give back the picture, not my mind, but if they try to take my mind they better give that back too. A mind is a terrible thing to loose.)
22. Are you mad about anything?
Mad about you, baby.
23. Do you think relationships are really worth it?
You haven't even quoted me a price yet. What's your best offer?
25. Are you a bad influence?
When I'm good I'm very, very good. When I'm bad I'm better ~Mae West
26. Night out or night in?
How about a night in and out?
27. What items could you not go without during the day?
28. Would you share a drink with a stranger?
Listen, just because I used to swap gobstoppers with my best friend when I was 7 doesn't mean I'm letting a complete stranger sip out of my glass now.
32. How many times have you been pulled over by the police?
I have the right to remain silent.
33. Do you hate anyone?
Hate is such a strong word.
34. If we were to look in your inbox, what would we find?
My hand forcefully whacking you upside the head for invading my privacy.
35. Can you easily tell if someone’s fake?
Yes, the waxy skin and glassy gaze is a dead giveaway.
36. Has anyone ever called you a perfectionist?
Only people who have no standards.
38. What song is stuck in your head?
39. Someone knocks on your window at 2 AM, who do you want it to be?
At 2am, I'd be inclined to hurt anyone who knocked on my window.
40. Wanna have kids before you’re 30?
You're about a decade too late to be asking.
41. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
42. Can you whistle?
Sure, I just put my lips together and blow.
43. Do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back?
I sleep suspended by my feet.
44. Do you think too much or too little?
I think juuuust right.
47. When is the next time you will see the person you like?
I like lots of people.
49. Can you handle the truth?
It's an intangible thing. How am I going to put a handle on it? Would epoxy work?
54. Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
Are you suggesting the last person who said this was not being honest?
55. Did you have an exciting last weekend?
THIS was my last weekend? Ever? Gees! Why didn't you tell me beforehand? I would have made sure it was exciting.
57. Have you ever dyed your hair?
Have you been paying attention at all? N-E-V-E-R!
59. What’s something that can always make you feel better?
Being felt better.
60. Will this weekend be a good one?
Well, not now that you told me the one that just passed was my last one!
61. What do you want right now?
62. Have you ever worn the opposite sex’s clothing?
Apparently you've forgotten about this picture.
63. Look behind you, what do you see?
A misspent youth.
64. Have you ever worked in a food place?
"A food place." I must say, your eloquence is astonishing.
66. Any summer plans for 2009?
I was supposed to have a plan? Gees, I just keep missing all the important memos.
67. What’s on your schedule for tomorrow?
Do you have any idea how to do anything spontaneously?
69. Would you like some cake?
Depends upon my other options.