Thursday, October 15, 2009

Slice of Lime-Slice of Zucchini

Perhaps you recall this post where, at the end of the meme, I mentioned the name La-a and challenged you to pronounce it. As it turns out the name is pronounced LaDASHah. The friends who shared this tidbit with me are roughly as warped as I am. They and their children have a stated desire to acquire some sort of pet which they can then name La-a. Now, as a bit more background to this post they already have a 2 year old chihuahua and only encountered the odd name since dubbing the dog with a more conventional moniker. They also happen to be avid gardeners.

When I was out visiting them during the peak of zucchini season their respective parents were also visiting. The man's father is a chef who happens to despise zucchini. Every year my friend lets one zucchini in his garden reach gargantuan proportions so he can offer it to his zucchini hating father. I was there to witness the annual gifting of the monster squash. The father went on his annual tirade about the pointlessness and horror that is zucchini, which was now multiplied by a factor of 10 in the deadly weapon of a specimen now sitting before him.

Please understand when I describe the zucchini in question as a potentially deadly weapon I am not employing hyperbole. Had it fallen off the table and onto the dog there would have been tragic consequences because the thing clearly outweighed the dog. The heft of the zucchini made me wonder if it event outweighed an average full term infant. Upon checking, I found that the squash did in fact weigh just under 8 lbs. Diana was 7 1/2 lbs. at birth.

Since I am not averse to zucchini and I felt rather sad for the poor rejected squash I announced I would adopt it and name it La-a the Squasha. Allow me to introduce you to the newest member of the Lime family. Isn't she darling?



I gave her a nice cozy place to sleep for her nap.



I dressed her in the finest I had. Doesn't that tie dye just set off the green in her skin so beautifully?


But in spite of my original compassion, which moved me to give La-a the Squasha a home, my darker side began to emerge.


Oh, the horror!



The carnage endured by an innocent, unsuspecting zucchini! Look away!



What? A girl's gotta eat, doesn't she?

26 comments:

g-man said...

You're so cute when you leer.....

Cocotte said...

Hilarious photo in the t-shirt. I love zucchini bread and your last photo, the expression on your face is priceless.

S said...

That butcher knife becomes you!

Totally hilarious and I have to tell you, I have seen 35 pound zucchinis!

Lat month my neighbor left me an 11 pound zucchini on my porch for give your neighbor a zucchini day. It was at least 2 feet long.
Do you have that holiday there?

Thats the day that you sneak over to all your neighbors homes and leave giant zucchinis on their porches. It's hilarious because of course, no one wants a giant zucchini because they dont taste very good at that point....


For you I have part of the
Top 20 List for successful sneaking of Zucchini or otherwise ridding yourself of unwanted surplus summer squash

1) Carefully place a dozen or more zucchini in a large, sturdy black plastic trash bag, then add a couple layers of unwanted clothing. Drive to nearest Goodwill or Salvation Army, hand over bag to nearest volunteer. Politely refuse any offered receipt. Leave quickly.

2) Look for out of the way places which have signs posted, "Clean Fill Wanted."

3) Reserve 1/2 of the space in large, upright freezer, gather all available plastic containers & freezer bags. Drink a vat of your favorite caffienated beverage, in preparation for staying up round the clock to puree large quantities of zucchini. This can then be packaged neatly and artistically labeled: "For Zucchini Nut Bread Recipe." These packages can be freely given, along with copies of recipe, to anyone on your Christmas list.

4) Under light of full moon, either stark naked or wearing full army camouflage, carrying a machete or any garden implement, run amuck in your zucchini patch, cutting and slashing. Be sure to thank mother nature for her bounty before and after this cathartic experience.

5) Buy a large roll of freezer paper--the kind that sub shops use to, you know, wrap up their subs & other sandwiches. Then proceed to wrap each zucchini which has managed to grow to a foot or more in length. Next time your child has a fundraiser, send him or her out supplied with these phoney subs. Tell child to drop them off with neighbors or relatives and leave quickly. It's advisable that a responsible adult hover nearby in a get-away car.

And BTW Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbors Porch Day is officially August 6th!

Desmond Jones said...

You can be one sick puppy, Lime. . .

But that is, uh, was one massive hunk o' squashage, there. . .

(I remember that previous post, btw; we have friends who named their chihuahua Shithead - shi-THEED)

lime said...

gman, why thank you. thank you very much.

cocotte, that tshirt was actually the first item of baby clothes i bought when i found out i was pregnant with diana.

susie, if only i could grow a garden, that would be such a fun holiday to celebrate with all its mayhem!

desmond, i may be sick but i suspect you and others like it that way.

choochoo said...

I'm sure it's in a better place.

~Dragonfly~* said...

Cannibalistic Lime!!! Gotta love it!!! Easting a baby's weight in squash. You are becoming more of a carnie with each passing day!!! I think that guy really made an impression on you!!!

On a side note.... my word verification is "blo memes"!!!!!

Craver Vii said...

Yeah, we like it like that. You're nutty!

Ha! Word verification is foodo. Is that like voodoo for edibles?

Michelle H. said...

This story started out so happy, then... ahhh! The knife!

I suppose this is the reason why some parents eat their young, to make zucchini bread. Really, can you blame them? It's delicious.

lime said...

choochoo, yep, my tummy

dragonfly, lol, you are really fixated on that carnie. pity i couldn't give him your contact info, mwahahahaha.

craver, how i love that foodoo you do

michelle, i am glad you see it my way.

EmBee said...

Oh, I LOVE me some Zucchini Bread... And Banana Break... And Pumpkin Bread... And Cinnamon Raisin Swirl Bread... And Italian Bread... And French Bread... And Bread in roll form... Bread in Biscuit form... Bread in Stick form... Um, I think I've just figured out why this weight loss thing is going so poorly.

SHIT!

BTExpress said...

"Oh the humanity" you are an evil woman underneath that hot, sexy exterior. LOL

(M)ary said...

"Super 'chini Bread"

mmmmm....i had one huge zuchini, one perfect tomato, lots and lots of lettuce, spinach greens and dill. so no bread here just salad which is not quite the same as bread.

Moannie said...

I wonder why the name zuchini stuck, rather than the more sophisticated courgette. We grew them in France, scoop out the middle and filled it with a rich meat sauce, wrapped it in foil and baked it then served with a rich cheese sauce. Yuuumy

misticblu said...

INSANE you are! I laughed out loud.
Idid not have much luck with the those but have grown some scary eggplant.

RennyBA's Terella said...

What I wonderful, cute and delicious new family member and as always, you dress your friends and family the very best friend! I just love my LimeDye T-shirt!

Btw: I'm sorry I have not been around that much lately, but have been working hard to find a way so that we could meet. Now It's official and I've planned hard for it: Oslo Blog Gathering 2010 - I do hope you can come and also encourage your other blog friends to participate!

Ananda girl said...

Yikes... I will remember not to beg you to adopt me! But yum!

~Tim said...

Put down the knife and step away -- wait, cut me a piece of that bread first please.

I always thought it would be funny to name a dog phideaux.

VE said...

I sent this to the planet Zucchini and they were horrified...

San said...

Your labels are the perfect conclusion to this dark comedy of a post. You and Mrs. Lovett are blood sisters.

Beach Bum said...

Women and knives, not a good combination in the best of times for me.

Hilary said...

Gotta love La-a bread! You're just the right amount of crazy. :)

Jocelyn said...

Okay, I think we have your new avatar photo here--you with the knife. That is killing me.

We sigh deeply whenever we are handed zucchini...and then we grate and bake...or grate and freeze. And sigh more.

Suldog said...

Oh, God, I love you, you zucchini murderer! I almost peed myself when I saw the photo of you with the knife.

Cheffie-Mom said...

LOL!! May I have a piece? Congrats on the POTW Award!!

Dianne said...

I love the fact that the son does this every year, what a delightful and odd tradition

your photos are hilarious
I didn't look away, I'm just like that ;)