That's Education!

Calypso will be having her wisdom teeth out today so depending upon how that goes I may or may not be scarce in the blogosphere.  When she was collecting assignments from various teachers she ran into her film studies teacher from last year.  He asked if she'd be getting any good drugs after the ordeal.  She said she expected to.  He then loaded her up on several films he said were either best watched or just fun when one is completely stoned.  She said he also made some specific recommendations as to which painkillers go best with which movie.

The movie list includes the following:

City Lights

Wordplay

This is Spinal Tap

Tod Browning's Freaks (which came with a special warning from the teacher saying viewers should either be high as a kite or completely sober to see this because it is completely....freaky.  I suppose Calypso will watch it stoned and I will watch it sober then we can compare notes.).

I dare the government to measure this sort of education on a standardized test.  If they even try I'll suggest they've OD'd on some sort of drugs themselves.


As always prayers and good thoughts for ease of procedure and recovery would be greatly appreciated.

Slice of Lime-Slice of Zucchini

Perhaps you recall this post where, at the end of the meme, I mentioned the name La-a and challenged you to pronounce it. As it turns out the name is pronounced LaDASHah. The friends who shared this tidbit with me are roughly as warped as I am. They and their children have a stated desire to acquire some sort of pet which they can then name La-a. Now, as a bit more background to this post they already have a 2 year old chihuahua and only encountered the odd name since dubbing the dog with a more conventional moniker. They also happen to be avid gardeners.

When I was out visiting them during the peak of zucchini season their respective parents were also visiting. The man's father is a chef who happens to despise zucchini. Every year my friend lets one zucchini in his garden reach gargantuan proportions so he can offer it to his zucchini hating father. I was there to witness the annual gifting of the monster squash. The father went on his annual tirade about the pointlessness and horror that is zucchini, which was now multiplied by a factor of 10 in the deadly weapon of a specimen now sitting before him.

Please understand when I describe the zucchini in question as a potentially deadly weapon I am not employing hyperbole. Had it fallen off the table and onto the dog there would have been tragic consequences because the thing clearly outweighed the dog. The heft of the zucchini made me wonder if it event outweighed an average full term infant. Upon checking, I found that the squash did in fact weigh just under 8 lbs. Diana was 7 1/2 lbs. at birth.

Since I am not averse to zucchini and I felt rather sad for the poor rejected squash I announced I would adopt it and name it La-a the Squasha. Allow me to introduce you to the newest member of the Lime family. Isn't she darling?

I gave her a nice cozy place to sleep for her nap.

I dressed her in the finest I had. Doesn't that tie dye just set off the green in her skin so beautifully?

But in spite of my original compassion, which moved me to give La-a the Squasha a home, my darker side began to emerge.

Oh, the horror!

The carnage endured by an innocent, unsuspecting zucchini! Look away!

What? A girl's gotta eat, doesn't she?

Signs of an Unwell Mind

A couple of nights ago I pulled the bag of potatoes out of the pantry. Honestly, they haven't been there long enough that they should be sprouting. A few of them had poked right through the bag. Normal people might have thrown the spuds away. You already know I am not normal. I was repulsed and inspired simultaneously.

Calypso saw me taking pictures and added some of her own ideas as to how to utilize the spuds that were trying to either escape my kitchen or were plotting to kill us in our sleep. You can pick your nose. You can pick your potatoes. Now your potatoes can pick your nose.

She was going for the spokesmodel with a spud eye dropper here and yes, she is adorable but I am not seeing eye to eye (har har har) with that notion. I'm just a wee tad creeped out by the possibility of that thing possibly crawling through her eye and up into her brain where it takes root as it slowly turns her into some sort of tuberous zombie.

Diana was not impressed by our antics. The only creativity she wanted was that which would fill her stomach. I bet she wouldn't even crack a smile at the cheesy little French moustaches and beards I gave my dueling spuds.

Recognizing that I was not going to start cooking until she participated in the lunacy, Diana finally offered her own use for the rogue roots. Ever been flipped off by a potato?

Alright, already....I got down to the business of making latkes and we feasted on the wild spuds before they could feast on us. And no, this is not the first time the potatoes in my house have tried to foment rebellion. Here's pictorial evidence of The Spud Skirmish of 2006.

Last night's dinner was far more sedate and decorous as we feasted on Porcupine Balls thanks to Kat's posting of her recipe. Serve something called Porcupine Balls to three teenagers and wait for the comments to start. Dinner conversation will be roughly akin to the SNL "Schweddy Balls" sketch....only with meat...uh, yeah, with meat.

Meme: The Movie!

Well, it's a rather late post today but this filmmaking is hard work. I promised I'd cast anyone who wanted to be cast in this bit of absurdism, so here goes.



coopernicus said...Can I be the cranky yet benign curmudgeon with the heart of gold of whom everyone is intimidated except the mysterious purple haired maiden who wanders into town to save the local dog catcher from making a fatal mistake with a guinea pig?

You bet yer bippy. I aim to please. Wilford Brumley will play your part. You've become a curmudgeon because of your job as the local dog catcher. You are haunted by that tragic day when you herded up all the local guinea pigs thinking they were prairie dogs (ya know, what with being a "dog" catcher and all) and had them euthanized.

San said... Lime's gonna put me in the movies. She's gonna make a big star out of me. And all I gotta do is act naturally. You bet, babe. Cast me as someone outlandish. Cast me as a villain. Cast me as a vixen. Cast me as a dead body lying in a coffin. Just cast me, baby. Cast me.

Well San, be careful what you wish for. I'm wrapping up Coopernicus' wish with yours. Who could be more outlandish than the purple-haired Dame Edna. When you are using what you thought was a love potion to ensnare Coopernicus you inadvertently brought back to life all those prairie dogs he killed. In the end, you'll need no magic potion since your effervescence will naturally charm the benign curmudgeon who will mourn your loss when in the end the critters do you in.

Lisa said...A bit part to raise "phain" from the dead or play the long lost sister with amnesia? Ha!!

Rodents will not be the only ones raised from the dead. San will also inadvertently bring Phain back who will serve as the Undead Queen of the Prairie Dogs. Phain was once a renowned prairie dog scientist but met her demise when her subjects revolted and dragged her into their tunnels. Aaliyah will portray Phain as Queen of the Damned Rodents. Yeah, we'll raise her from the dead to do it.

Craver Vii said... What?! Hamsters don't attack. Oh, they're radioactive? Nevermind then.

Craver, you are Gene Wilder as the mad scientist who unleashes radioactive hamsters on the planet in hopes that they can overpower the zombie prairie dogs and their vampiric queen. Sadly, it does not end well for you because the Zombie Prairie Dogs turn the radioactive hamsters into zombies as well which then turn on you, their creator.

airplanejayne said... MEMEMEMEMEMEME! I wanna be in da movie!!!

APJ, you will be Craver's assistant. You're a pole dancer with a heart of gold. If not for your strength, compassion, and dogged determination, Craver's failure would doom all of humanity. Hence, Julia Roberts will reprise an Erin Brockovitch type role to portray you as you combat the zombified, radioactive hordes.

Mona said... I would LOVE to see you as a director & act in your movie! But please don't have plastic dinosaurs chasing me! & don't let James be the script writer!

Wish granted Mona, but you'll be running from herds of zombified and radioactive rodents. Your only line (which will be repeated ad nauseum) is "AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!" We will at least have you portrayed by the lovely Aishwarya Rai.

G-Man said...Is there a 'casting couch' involved? If yes...Count me in!!!

Sorry, there's no casting couch but we can have you ride in like a bad ass biker and rescue Mona. Dennis Hopper will portray you? The two of you will escape just before it is revealed that Mona carries the spawn of a radioactive hamster who overpowered her. You'll tend to her through the ridiculously quick pregnancy and grueling delivery when she births Harvey the Wonder Hamster who may just be the hope of the world.

~Tim said... You know, people used to get me and Clint Eastwood mixed up. Yeah, when he was mayor of Carmel people would call the office and ask, "Is Tim there?"

Tim, you'll be the mayor of the plagued town. You're unwilling to admit there is a problem until it's far too late, not unlike certain people in the government and financial sectors today. You'll die when you are beguiled by Phain who eats you for lunch.

Beach Bum said... I'm throwing in with Mel and Clint.

You're the deputy mayor of questionable sanity, who is so busy hanging out on the beach you don't even hear Tim's cries for help or the stampeding herd of radioactive-zombie-rodents as they thunder over the dunes to eat you.

citizen of the world said...Who wouldn't want to be in your movie?

Breazy said... if you need me let me know and I will help in anyway I can.

The two of you will be Tim's and Beach Bum's wives who recognize the danger and decide to skip town when your husbands refuse to heed your warnings. Susan Sarandon and Gina Davis will portray the two of you. With all of law enforcement busy with radioactive, zombified rodents you can have an uninterrupted crime spree that doesn't have to end with you driving into the Grand Canyon.

Suldog said...It would be utterly repugnant of me to tag you, but then beg off from being cast. OK. Fire away!

You're the assistant to Tim and Beach Bum. They have no respect for your opinion even though you're likely smarter than the two of them combined. You've been warning them that there is someone who can help but since he's that creepy foreign guy they don't want to listen and only poke you in the eye. Your part will be acted by Curly.

lecram said...You know I'm in and I'll even take the part of the creepy foreigner.

You may be creepy but you are the hope of the town if people would just get over themselves and listen to you. Many years ago you shared a particular brand of island mojo with some scientists who found it useful but after decades of life in this narrow-minded burg you're happy to let them be eaten by the zombie rodents if they don't want to listen to you. Harold Sakata (aka Odd Job from Goldfinger) will portray you.

mssolitaire said...you know I'd love to act in your crazy life bio-pic!

This is a life bio-pic? Wow! Well, in that case I guess you'll portray me. I'll be lecram's one friend in town. Growing up in a purple house made me sensitive to the folks most people shun. My mother was a hamster and my father smelt of elderberries too so I take a similar perverse delight in watching the cruel townspeople reap what they've sown. I'm also the midwife Gman summons when Mona gives birth to Harvey the Wonder Hamster. We're going to have you channel Stockard Channing's character from "Where the Heart Is" because in spite of what some goofy online thing says I think she looks more like me than the other celebrity matches. I also loved when that particular character used to pray at the breakfast table each morning for God to bless the food and "forgive the fornication which took place on this here table last night."

Rob said... Well, since I don't have a blog of my own, I guess a role in your movie is out for me!...

Well, Rob, I am an EOE filmmaker so blogger or not, if you wanna be in you're in. We'll just make you the mysterious but sagacious next door neighbor. You'll easily survive the radioactive-zombie-rodent plague due to your arcane knowledge of the secret voodoo curses known only to lecram and the members of the Manhattan Project.

VE said...Ooooh...I can't wait for the film. I hope Harvey the Wonder Hamster gets a bit part in it too...

VE didn't indicate a willingness to act in the movie but I am guessing from his enthusiasm about rodentia that he would function well as the Hamster, Guinea Pig, and Prairie Dog Wrangler. His outfit, "Furballs Ltd." will be supplying the necessary extras for the climactic scene. Harvey the Wonder Hamster will portray himself as the hero of our picture.



barman said...If you need any filler you can pitch me in... or not. Actually I would love to help out with the behind the scenes. Lighting or sound or even key grip what ever that is???

Key grip it is. Here are my keys. Keep a good grip on them so I can get home at the end of the day.







S said... OK waitaminit. How are you gonna make a movie with all these people living in different parts of the world? I didn't know you knew how to do that. Can you teach me some stuff? Maybe I'll just hang around and learn stuff. How's that?

You'll be my personal assistant. Just sit back and behold the wonder that is my writing, producing, and directing. Hey, that makes you my gopher! You're not radioactive are you?

Friday 55 & Da Count-Avast!

FRIDAY 55

Arg, ye scurvy scallawag and ye wenches.
It's time to get off yer pallets
and get yer festering hides topside.
Get to swabbing
and I'd best not catch you pilfering my rum
or lollygagging about,
ye sorry excuses for a crew,
else I'll be making you walk the plank.

It's Talk Like a Pirate Day!

*in the best piratey tradition, image pilfered shamelessly from http://www.maynardland.com


DA COUNT
Short and sweet this week. I'm counting the chance to be silly. It's a great way to blow off steam.

Sing a Song of Meme-ishness

This has been sitting in drafts since I pilfered it from Airplanejayne.

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, answer these questions...No repeats on songs!

Pick an artist: Weird Al Yankovic

(You didn't honestly expect me to do this straight did you?)

1. Are you a male or female?

I Think I'm a Clone Now

2. Describe yourself:

She Drives Like Crazy

3. How do you feel about yourself?

Dare to Be Stupid

4. Describe where you currently are:

Nature Trail to Hell

5. If you could go anywhere, where would you go?

Amish Paradise

6. Your best friend is:

Harvey the Wonder Hamster

7. Your favorite color is:
White & Nerdy

8. You know that:

I Want a New Duck

9. What's the weather like?

Christmas at Ground Zero

10. If your life was a television show, what would it be called?

Weasel Stomping Day

11. What is life to you?

Attack of the Radioactive Hamsters from a Planet Near Mars

12. What is the best advice you have to give?

Everything You Know is Wrong

13. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Waffle King


In other meme related news, Suldog has tagged me to make a movie of my life and cast the various people in my life with famous actors. VE did this some time ago only he cast the roles of fellow bloggers. I've exhausted myself with 15 minutes of thought on the whole matter and decided I'll do a movie with fellow bloggers rather than my family. Suldog totally copped out on the whole thing by saying it was unsafe to try to cast any female because invariably someone would be insulted and yet he tagged me with it. It was a move that was slick as snot, let me tell ya. So I will take up the challenge but I sure don't want to get in any trouble by creating a role for one blogger and not another or maybe creating a role for someone who doesn't want to be in this future blockbuster. So if you want to be cast in a sweeping space saga of zany adventures in a slapstick historical docudrama shot like a spaghetti western let me know. Think of it as Merchant/Ivory forming an uneasy union with Lucas/Spielberg in order to do battle against a Mel Brooks/Clint Eastwood led gang all while wondering which side Michael Moore will propagandize as leading a great conspiracy against the public...really, it's going to be great. Weird Al has already agreed to score the film.