The Desolation of Film

 This weekend we had plans to celebrate Diana's birthday.  I had signed both her and my dear friend Gwen up along with me for a second chocolate cooking class on Saturday morning.  Friday night we had word that the class was canceled due to weather.

I made Diana's favorite cookies and a nice meal at home instead and we waited for the snow to ease up so we could go see The Hobbit: the Desolation of Smaug on Saturday evening.  I had gotten discounted vouchers ahead of time and the kids went to pick up the tickets earlier in the week.  Alas, the theater was closed Saturday night due to the weather.

We decided to go tonight instead since the theater said they'd honor the tickets for another showing.  There was just one problem.  The tickets were no where to be found.  They vanished into thin air.  Fortunately, I still had the receipt for the vouchers so I was able to get replacement tickets at no extra charge.  I was quite annoyed by the thought I might have to buy these tickets twice and glad to not have my wallet further depleted.

Dear readers, I think perhaps we should have eaten the loss.  It may have been the universe's way of trying to keep us from the onscreen tragedy....unintentional though it was.  The movie was among the worst I have ever seen.  The couple next to me left early.  The audience laughed and groaned in places where the director surely did not intend.  I would not have been surprised to see popcorn lobbed at the screen.

I'd sum up my review with the following image.

Diana's review, however, was far more poetic.

"When Peter Jackson lost all that weight half was from his brain, the other half from his soul. He lost all connection to art and reason then ruined my favorite book."

I'm now doubly glad I didn't pay for this mess twice!

Sound Off...

...where Lime expounds on various topics of no real importance.


Certain movies need to come with an excessive tissue usage warning label. During a brief cessation in hostilities between sisters, Diana and Calypso agreed we should rent The Time Traveler's Wife. I indulged them because they were getting along. Holy time-warping Moses on a pogo stick! I thought I might dehydrate through my eyes while I was watching that movie! I needed an IV drip of Young Frankenstein just to recover. (Fine, call me a wussy cry baby, I can take it. Just remember my unnaturally high pain tolerance and then we'll see who the wuss is.) After the high level of emotional strife during the previous few days I was in no state to endure that sort of emotional string pulling. Is it possible to sprain a tear duct? I'm pretty sure it is. I blame their father's influence (link to a brief example on a former blog of mine).


In the past I have very much enjoyed Bill Bryson's books. A Walk in the Woods is absolutely hilarious and I learned a lot from In a Sunburned Country. During my vacation though I found Notes from a Small Island nearly unreadable. It's not that it's poorly written. He comes off as irritatingly affected and I kept waiting for him to inject a "Pip pip and cheerio!" while he was praising tea trolleys and and double-decker buses. Dude, you were born in Iowa, for crying out loud. You can appreciate Britain without sounding like you think you were switched at birth with someone to the manor born.


The Know-It-All: One Man's Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World by A.J. Jacobs, on the other hand, was great fun. Admittedly, I am a nerd who loves trivia and who read Funk & Wagnalls for fun as a kid so reading about some guy who wanted to work his way through the entire Encyclopedia Britannica intrigued me. Oh, and don't you fellow nerds out there try to pretend you wouldn't be interested in this! G-man, Suldog, Craig, Logo...I'm looking at you all.


Speaking of nerds (and I say that with complete affection and respect), Calypso recently acquired some Buddy Holly type glasses. She's so darned cute in them. I giggle every time I look at her wearing them and just want to tape up the bridge. She won't let me take a picture though so I can't show you. I can't imagine why she'd be reluctant.


In other odd fashion news, Dr. Hubba Hubba came to work wearing these shoes. They are the weirdest freaking excuses for footwear I have ever seen. They also made me laugh every time I looked at them. Yeah, I just know the laydeez will be going wild to play footsie with him now! And people mock me for my Birkenstocks...


A recent post at Cooper's made me realize that between the minuscule bits of fabric wedged into the butt cracks of shapely young girls (thus revealing the bottom half of their badonkadonks) and the style of young men who wear their swim trunks at "half mast" thus revealing their own cracks and top half of their rear ends there are a lot of half-assed ninnies running around on beaches and at swimming pools. I amused myself by imagining one of those picture books where the pages are divided in thirds so you can mix and match the faces, torsos, and legs of various cartoon characters only mixing and matching the top halves and lower halves of the exposed butt cheeks. A fertile imagination can be a dangerous thing. I apologize to anyone who was trying to eat while reading this.


So crack me up and reveal some things you'd like to sound off about.

Weekend Report

Well, I did have my weekend alone. I was in sort of a crud mood on Friday with all my conflicted feelings about the weekend. On the orders of a geographically removed friend I organized a group of pals to go see Slumdog Millionaire on Friday night. I had wanted to see it for a while but it wasn't showing anywhere nearby. I finally found a theater within a decent distance where it was showing so 5 of us hauled on over to check the movie out. I think all but one of them was ready to pelt me with popcorn because they were expecting something light and fluffy, which Slumdog definitely is not. I loved it though and thought it was really well done. there are some scenes that are difficult to watch for some people, there is no denying that, but it's kind of hard to portray the life of a street kid in Mumbai without some tough scenes. That said, every unpleasant thing is in the movie for a reason and it has a resolution that is satisfying. I also really liked that, aside from the typical boy meets girl storyline, there is an exploration of how people in identical circumstances respond differently and make different choices. The choices reveal a person's character and there are consequences for each set of choices. I like very much that the characters have a certain complexity to them, good people do some bad things, bad people do some good things, everyone wrestles with their choices and the outcomes. It's messy like real life, but hopeful. Good flick, go see it.

So that was Friday night. Having been convinced that an entire day of hibernation would have been more of a giving in to a bad mood I thought Saturday ought to be about something I don't often get to do but really wanted to. I have been wanting to go to the Philadelphia Art Museum for a while now but it is kind of a long hike from where I am so I went to a smaller on that was closer to home. It was a little disappointing to get there and find half of the place was closed (no indication on their website that such was the case and no one informed me of that until I paid my admission....grrrr) but I did enjoy what was available for my perusal. I was delighted to be able to linger over things and actually read the exhibit text without someone trying to drag me off to the next thing or whining about how boring an art museum is. That was deliciously leisurely and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I took a bunch of pictures. I hope to share the best ones tomorrow.

If I had any smarts at all I would have chosen a different activity for after the art museum but I made an unwise choice and paid for it. There is a mall not far from the museum. In said mall is a particular store which I have avoided for a number of years but for which I was given a gift certificate. I don't get this way often, the store does not exist in my own town so I thought, "I am here I will try to use this gift card." DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!

Now let me pause because I suspect a great many of my female readers will feel some degree of envy when I say my gift card was for Victoria's Secret. I truly loathe VS. Forgive me and let me tell you why. Let me also say I do not want to appear ungrateful because I know the gift was given with love and only the best intentions and for that I am truly appreciative. The friend who bestowed it upon me knows I don't often splurge on things for myself and she wanted me to have something special. She is a sweetheart in that regard. VS is another matter entirely. First of all, I am not very much the frilly girly sort. I don't go around in granny panties and old lady bras. I like them to match and look nice but I wear them mainly for their containment properties, not their frills. Second, If you are over 25 (check) and weigh more than 110 pounds (double check) the staff look at you askance (at least that has been my experience the few times I have braved the place).

I tried on an armload of bras in my size and not one of them fit. I asked the girl to size me and she told me I had the wrong size. She brought back several in the "right" size for me to try. They were far worse than what I started with. I tried to warn her that shoehorning "the girls" into the bra size she was suggesting was going to put significant strain on the flimsy engineering of said undergarment. In fact, we'd be lucky not to loose an eye. But who I am, a frumpish middle-aged woman who has been hefting around this particular rack since age 13 to know better than you, a highly trained fitter of boulder holders who should also be very familiar with the product line your store offers? I bow to your expertise...and pray the bra hooks don't give way. Not a single bra fit properly and I had no interest in trying anymore so I thought I'd find a t-shirt or pj pants instead. I tried XLs and not one of them fit. I left in disgust. Have I ever mentioned I hate VS? The mental scarring is not worth it.

I drove home and consoled myself at the local Chinese buffet. A plate of fried rice, lo mein, pepper chicken, veggies, and such helped remedy the trauma that was VS and insured I may require hydraulics in my next bra. The next morning I joined the pals who had accompanied me to the movie to help cook a spaghetti dinner for the church and then came home just moments before my family returned from their weekend. So all in all it was a good weekend.

Speaking of Chinese...it is Chinese New Year so may I leave you all with best wishes for the year of the Ox. Works for me...how about you all?

Meme: The Movie!

Well, it's a rather late post today but this filmmaking is hard work. I promised I'd cast anyone who wanted to be cast in this bit of absurdism, so here goes.



coopernicus said...Can I be the cranky yet benign curmudgeon with the heart of gold of whom everyone is intimidated except the mysterious purple haired maiden who wanders into town to save the local dog catcher from making a fatal mistake with a guinea pig?

You bet yer bippy. I aim to please. Wilford Brumley will play your part. You've become a curmudgeon because of your job as the local dog catcher. You are haunted by that tragic day when you herded up all the local guinea pigs thinking they were prairie dogs (ya know, what with being a "dog" catcher and all) and had them euthanized.

San said... Lime's gonna put me in the movies. She's gonna make a big star out of me. And all I gotta do is act naturally. You bet, babe. Cast me as someone outlandish. Cast me as a villain. Cast me as a vixen. Cast me as a dead body lying in a coffin. Just cast me, baby. Cast me.

Well San, be careful what you wish for. I'm wrapping up Coopernicus' wish with yours. Who could be more outlandish than the purple-haired Dame Edna. When you are using what you thought was a love potion to ensnare Coopernicus you inadvertently brought back to life all those prairie dogs he killed. In the end, you'll need no magic potion since your effervescence will naturally charm the benign curmudgeon who will mourn your loss when in the end the critters do you in.

Lisa said...A bit part to raise "phain" from the dead or play the long lost sister with amnesia? Ha!!

Rodents will not be the only ones raised from the dead. San will also inadvertently bring Phain back who will serve as the Undead Queen of the Prairie Dogs. Phain was once a renowned prairie dog scientist but met her demise when her subjects revolted and dragged her into their tunnels. Aaliyah will portray Phain as Queen of the Damned Rodents. Yeah, we'll raise her from the dead to do it.

Craver Vii said... What?! Hamsters don't attack. Oh, they're radioactive? Nevermind then.

Craver, you are Gene Wilder as the mad scientist who unleashes radioactive hamsters on the planet in hopes that they can overpower the zombie prairie dogs and their vampiric queen. Sadly, it does not end well for you because the Zombie Prairie Dogs turn the radioactive hamsters into zombies as well which then turn on you, their creator.

airplanejayne said... MEMEMEMEMEMEME! I wanna be in da movie!!!

APJ, you will be Craver's assistant. You're a pole dancer with a heart of gold. If not for your strength, compassion, and dogged determination, Craver's failure would doom all of humanity. Hence, Julia Roberts will reprise an Erin Brockovitch type role to portray you as you combat the zombified, radioactive hordes.

Mona said... I would LOVE to see you as a director & act in your movie! But please don't have plastic dinosaurs chasing me! & don't let James be the script writer!

Wish granted Mona, but you'll be running from herds of zombified and radioactive rodents. Your only line (which will be repeated ad nauseum) is "AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!" We will at least have you portrayed by the lovely Aishwarya Rai.

G-Man said...Is there a 'casting couch' involved? If yes...Count me in!!!

Sorry, there's no casting couch but we can have you ride in like a bad ass biker and rescue Mona. Dennis Hopper will portray you? The two of you will escape just before it is revealed that Mona carries the spawn of a radioactive hamster who overpowered her. You'll tend to her through the ridiculously quick pregnancy and grueling delivery when she births Harvey the Wonder Hamster who may just be the hope of the world.

~Tim said... You know, people used to get me and Clint Eastwood mixed up. Yeah, when he was mayor of Carmel people would call the office and ask, "Is Tim there?"

Tim, you'll be the mayor of the plagued town. You're unwilling to admit there is a problem until it's far too late, not unlike certain people in the government and financial sectors today. You'll die when you are beguiled by Phain who eats you for lunch.

Beach Bum said... I'm throwing in with Mel and Clint.

You're the deputy mayor of questionable sanity, who is so busy hanging out on the beach you don't even hear Tim's cries for help or the stampeding herd of radioactive-zombie-rodents as they thunder over the dunes to eat you.

citizen of the world said...Who wouldn't want to be in your movie?

Breazy said... if you need me let me know and I will help in anyway I can.

The two of you will be Tim's and Beach Bum's wives who recognize the danger and decide to skip town when your husbands refuse to heed your warnings. Susan Sarandon and Gina Davis will portray the two of you. With all of law enforcement busy with radioactive, zombified rodents you can have an uninterrupted crime spree that doesn't have to end with you driving into the Grand Canyon.

Suldog said...It would be utterly repugnant of me to tag you, but then beg off from being cast. OK. Fire away!

You're the assistant to Tim and Beach Bum. They have no respect for your opinion even though you're likely smarter than the two of them combined. You've been warning them that there is someone who can help but since he's that creepy foreign guy they don't want to listen and only poke you in the eye. Your part will be acted by Curly.

lecram said...You know I'm in and I'll even take the part of the creepy foreigner.

You may be creepy but you are the hope of the town if people would just get over themselves and listen to you. Many years ago you shared a particular brand of island mojo with some scientists who found it useful but after decades of life in this narrow-minded burg you're happy to let them be eaten by the zombie rodents if they don't want to listen to you. Harold Sakata (aka Odd Job from Goldfinger) will portray you.

mssolitaire said...you know I'd love to act in your crazy life bio-pic!

This is a life bio-pic? Wow! Well, in that case I guess you'll portray me. I'll be lecram's one friend in town. Growing up in a purple house made me sensitive to the folks most people shun. My mother was a hamster and my father smelt of elderberries too so I take a similar perverse delight in watching the cruel townspeople reap what they've sown. I'm also the midwife Gman summons when Mona gives birth to Harvey the Wonder Hamster. We're going to have you channel Stockard Channing's character from "Where the Heart Is" because in spite of what some goofy online thing says I think she looks more like me than the other celebrity matches. I also loved when that particular character used to pray at the breakfast table each morning for God to bless the food and "forgive the fornication which took place on this here table last night."

Rob said... Well, since I don't have a blog of my own, I guess a role in your movie is out for me!...

Well, Rob, I am an EOE filmmaker so blogger or not, if you wanna be in you're in. We'll just make you the mysterious but sagacious next door neighbor. You'll easily survive the radioactive-zombie-rodent plague due to your arcane knowledge of the secret voodoo curses known only to lecram and the members of the Manhattan Project.

VE said...Ooooh...I can't wait for the film. I hope Harvey the Wonder Hamster gets a bit part in it too...

VE didn't indicate a willingness to act in the movie but I am guessing from his enthusiasm about rodentia that he would function well as the Hamster, Guinea Pig, and Prairie Dog Wrangler. His outfit, "Furballs Ltd." will be supplying the necessary extras for the climactic scene. Harvey the Wonder Hamster will portray himself as the hero of our picture.



barman said...If you need any filler you can pitch me in... or not. Actually I would love to help out with the behind the scenes. Lighting or sound or even key grip what ever that is???

Key grip it is. Here are my keys. Keep a good grip on them so I can get home at the end of the day.







S said... OK waitaminit. How are you gonna make a movie with all these people living in different parts of the world? I didn't know you knew how to do that. Can you teach me some stuff? Maybe I'll just hang around and learn stuff. How's that?

You'll be my personal assistant. Just sit back and behold the wonder that is my writing, producing, and directing. Hey, that makes you my gopher! You're not radioactive are you?

Reviews

Heavy rains for 3 days can be a bore. Add a sick kid and weekend plans get even less exciting. I solved it by renting an armload of movies. so here's a review of my favorite, and a book, and maybe some other stuff.

FLICKS
Once is one fabulous movie. Seriously, run, do not walk to your nearest video place or put it on top of your Netflix list. It's such a simple and unembellished story but that is half the charm. I kept thinking, "I am so glad Hollywood didn't make this movie. Some executive would have felt compelled to punch it up a few notches and then it would be ruined. They would have changed the ending to something syrupy and I'd have gagged."

It's the story of a relationship between a Dublin musician and a Czech immigrant and how they gently nudge each other into their respective dreams. The story and details of the characters' backgrounds unfolds very subtly without a bunch of condescending dialogue spelling it all out. It's filmed in a way that seems almost like a documentary but again it just highlights the sincerity of the characters. The ending was understated and not what we are conditioned to expect from a Hollywood flick (again, thanks be that this was not done in Hollywood) but it was satisfying. Calypso's comment was, "Oh! I like that! It was an HONEST ending, not made up." Right on, kiddo. Glad that point wasn't lost on her.

I think the back of the box called it a modern musical which really does it a disservice because I think that sort of billing could turn folks off who would be repelled by the notion of some huckster marching down Main St. with 76 trombones or a bunch of oddly happy Depression era orphans dancing around. The musical performances flow naturally rather than coming across like strange interjections. The music in the film is terrific and written primarily by the two lead actors. It's good enough that the girls and I immediately went out and bought the soundtrack. Yes, all three of us with our divergent tastes agreed on this one. So 5 twists of lime for Once. Watch it.

BOOKS
Moving on to books. While I was in Georgia with my MIL I finished 1491 by Charles Mann. Now, if you know me at all you know I am a nonfiction geek so understand that up front. This book explores the Pre-Columbian history of the New World and I have to say it was fascinating. The author admits he is not a historian but a journalist instead. He says he wrote the book after doing research to satisfy his own curiosities and finding how wrong a lot of what we were taught really is. He covers both North and South American cultures and makes the case for those societies having a great deal more technology and complexity than we've given them credit for. He counters the notion that they lived in a vast untouched wilderness by providing evidence for how they managed and manipulated natural resources as much as their counterparts in other parts of the world. Mann shares theories about how rapidly disease spread across the continents from even the briefest contacts prior to the major influxes of European population so that by the time the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock the continent's population had already been devastated in worse ways than Europe had been by the plague. The author is not shy about stating his opinion on various controversies but he is clear as to what evidence he uses to come to his conclusions. He also seems fair in presenting evidence to the contrary in an even manner.

I found Mann's style to be very engaging and readable too. I've read three of Thomas Cahill's Hinges of History Series and wanted to tear my hair out because even in areas where I already have a fairly decent grasp of whatever Cahill was discussing he presented it in a chronology that was totally convoluted and confusing. He also seemed more interested in having the reader come away saying, "Oooooh, he's a smart guy!" rather than actually understanding the subject any better. Ignore Cahill. Go read Mann. Four twists of lime for 1491.

MISCELLANY
Diana got her learner's permit to drive a week and a half ago. Yesterday I rode as her passenger for the first time. I think I have a few more white hairs. I've noticed her father simply has fewer hairs over all. I've said all along that he needs to be the one to teach her because to be honest he has better driving habits than I do plus Diana and I butt heads so much. He taught me to drive stick way back when we got engaged too and he was a patient teacher. I thought they'd do well together. She tells me he makes her nervous though and I didn't because I was quieter about the whole thing. Maybe it was just because I was too busy praying to arrive safely to our destination. In any event I was pleased with how she did even if this process takes years off my life. Three twists of lime for this first experience.

Now for the Sour Lime Award for Gross Imbecility. And the award goes tooooooo.......my Pastor. Someone really needs to duct tape his mouth at times. Here's a guy in a profession where an above average understanding of how to relate to people is kind of important and yet he has a decidedly below average ability to keep demeaning and obnoxious comments to himself. To make things worse when people dare to let him know he has been offensive, and there are a few of us who do, he always makes it out as if we are too thin-skinned and can't take a joke. Now I am not a big fan of being politically correct but I think basic respect is important. Guess what? Misogynistic and bigoted comments veiled as jokes during a time of teaching don't fly. Ever. One time when I called him on some asinine thing he said I got the response, "Well, being a pastor is stressful and I blow off steam by saying stupid things." I told him he needed to find a less damaging way of dealing with his stress. See, there's this thing bit in the Bible about doing unto others the way you'd have them do unto you and letting only that which is good for edification come from your mouth... This week it was all I could do not to hurl a hymnal at the guy. Yes, pastors are human and therefore prone to all the weakness the rest of us are prone to, but this guy is straining my forbearance to the limit. Ok, so sorry about that. I figured last week I had the rare political rant so this week I will cover religion and all the taboos of conversation are evened out.

So as to not end on a sour Lime Award let me share a funny one minute song from the movie Once that I have been humming all weekend. Cracks me up every time...of course it might help to have the context of the movie...so go watch that later.