Monday, January 18, 2010

How to Waste a Perfectly Good Saturday

And I do mean WASTE, not as in laze about in a therapeutic manner but as in spend it doing something that has no real value.

1. Do not sleep in. Get up at 5:30 am so you can be to your office by 6:30 am in order to commute for 2 hours to a work related seminar in the vicinity of the Philadelphia Airport.

2. Pull into the parking lot and get into a compact car with 3 other coworkers for said commute.

3. Inform the driver and navigator of the easiest route (all highways) to your destination because you've been there many times. Have a coworker who has also been there many times corroborate your information.

4. Driver and navigator who have never been to the destination should ignore these simple directions that involve direct routes on highways in favor of printed out direction from Google Maps and use of a GPS.

5. Listen to the absurd directions given by Google and the GPS and repeat the simple directions with which you are familiar. Be told to hush the GPS knows best.

6. Do not spend whatever little amount of energy you have at this hour on a Saturday morning arguing. Wish them well, lay your head back, and tell them to wake you when we arrive.

7. Sigh deeply when the driver and navigator begin arguing about how to even get out of town.

8. Pass the trip drifting in and out of consciousness but awake just in time to hear the driver and navigator arguing over which turn to take. Watch as they turn off the highway and you spend the next half hour in some part of Philadelphia you never even knew existed. Eventually wind through the Mt. Airy section, plod along the SureKill Crawlway, follow signs for the Cargo City exit instead of the Airport exit when you finally see the airport because "that's what the GPS says to do." (Those few readers familiar with Philadelphia should try not to spew whatever you are drinking or eating through your nose. I don't want to be held responsible for the resulting pain or damage to your monitors. As an aside to my gentlemen readers, those of you who have ever been criticized by any woman for not stopping to ask for directions are guiltless in comparison to the 2 women in the front seat who put all of their trust in GPS and would not listen to the 2 women in the back seat.)

9. During this little tour of Philly, since the driver and navigator have told you not to interfere with what the GPS says, whisper softly to yourself mimicking Chevy Chase in European Vacation, "Look kids, there's the airport. Hey, there's the airport. Oh, look, there it is again."

10. Arrive at the airport and listen to the driver and navigator switch to an argument about where to park. Unfold yourself painfully from the backseat after finally parking. Witness the driver storm into the conference center cursing the navigator who is taking a smoke break.

11. Get your name tag and enter the seminar where the volume of music is shaking the walls. Be ushered by your boss to seats right next to the speakers.

12. Excuse yourself to the restroom and consider locking yourself in the stall for the day because you really won't miss anything, the volume is loud enough to still hear every word clearly. Take a few deep breaths and remind yourself there has to be at least one pearl of wisdom in this whole day. Re-enter the seminar room determined to find the one pearl but still wishing you had packed a flask.

13. Sit through 3 hours of presentations on marketing the business, not on the value of chiropractic, not on the latest research, not on patient education, not anything remotely inspiring or Realize that even though your degree is in education, not business nor chiropractic, there is nothing even remotely stretching beyond basic common sense in the ideas presented. Even though everything is style over substance the slickest thing there is the hair of the guru who runs the whole thing. Pay close attention when the boss gives her manic, pacing, arm waving "inspirational" presentation during which she finds herself far funnier than anyone in the room does. Notice your ass is numb.

14. Break for lunch. Praise God thinking now you finally have a chance to stretch your legs. Become crestfallen when the boss informs you she arranged for a special consultation with the guru's business manager. Listen to the latest and greatest arm twisting techniques in how to rope a new patient into a 12 month care plan. Concentrate on controlling your gag reflex.

15. Return to the seminar room for the next 4 hours of ass numbing presentations on how to drum up more business. Ponder many things such as...
a. how a room full of chiropractors can ignore the concept that sitting in a single spot for hours on end might not be great for anyone's spine
b. how the next goal for patients per week at your office means each patient will get 1.67 minutes of time from the doc
c. how much methane is produced by the number of people in the room
d. how much money the slick haired guru is pulling in from this Amway style seminar scheme
e. how long it will take blood flow to be restored to your own ass

16. During the final review on shakedown methods begin quietly mimicking the distinctive gestures of the people in the films to the amusement of the navigator. When the young associate chiropractor from your office starts doing the same thing correct her because she was using the gestures of the office assistant. Coach her in the gestures of the slick haired guru doctor. Practice in tandem with her doing guru gestures and you doing assistant gestures. This will at least prevent total mental breakdown even if it doesn't generate greater sales.

17. When it's all over and the boss asks if your first seminar was a good experience consider all the possible responses along the spectrum of lying through your teeth and being painfully honest. Opt for the neutral response of, "It was informative. I learned a lot." Do not specify what you learned. It's less likely to get you to get you fired than saying having your seminar cherry popped was less than gratifying since there was no foreplay, no lube, you didn't get your jollies, and there wasn't even a little cuddle after it all.

18. Listen to the bickering from the morning commute resume before ever reaching the car. Agree with the other backseat passenger to plans for mutiny should the driver and navigator disregard your collective wisdom for the return trip.

19. Get the driver out of the parking lot and onto the correct highway pointing home. Every time the GPS is mentioned threaten the former navigator with death.

20. Humor the driver, who is the newest associate chiropractor, when she asks specific questions about how to improve the office and reach the goals the boss has. When she shoots down everything you say give one counter argument then shut up because it's clear the discussion will go nowhere and quite honestly, you just don't care.

21. When the driver and navigator begin to argue about the specifics of the new financial arrangements for patients (because you and your co-mutineer took away their fun in having cartography as a source of argument material) realize your personal reserves for anything work related have reached EMPTY. Plug in your iPod and listen to Santana the rest of the way home.

22. Arrive at the office, get in your own car to drive home and arrive there by 8:30pm.

If you made it through this post here's your own little reward of Santana.


secret agent woman said...

Poor you, that sounds ghastly.

stanglady said...

You are a woman of great courage and patience, I salute you!

Mostly, congrats on not actually acting out the mass killing fantasy that was more than likely playing in a loop within your mind all day long. I know it would be playing in mine!

jinksy said...

The word 'seminar', alone, induces a similar numb ass reaction in me, before going any further! You were the personification of restraint! lol :)

Craig said...

I once had to have my car towed home from work - over an hour one way. The tow truck driver had GPS, but when he had me all hooked up, and I was sitting in his truck, he asked me the best way to get home. I told him the best way, which was a few miles farther, but freeway all the way. He thought that was too far out-of-the-way, so I gave him my second-best option, which involved a few more 'surface roads', and the traffic was more unpredictable, but was still mostly freeway. He listened to me, and then told me that if the GPS registered too many 'deviations' from the route it had 'figured out', he'd get in trouble with his boss, so we just followed the GPS, which was 70 miles of surface roads, with all the attendant traffic lights, and slowing down for small towns, etc, etc. And it took almost two hours, instead of 75 minutes, which my first plan would have.

So - explain to your boss why you spent an extra hour-and-a-half with the truck, because the GPS told you it was five miles shorter (with all the stopping/starting, you didn't even save any gas). And why the hell did you waste five more minutes asking me what I thought - twice! - when you were just gonna take the stupid GPS route, anyway?

Needless to say, I won't be getting a GPS anytime soon. . .

furiousBall said...

crap, i'm sorry for all of that.

Cocotte said...

I swear, I will never own a GPS. And Lime, that Saturday would only rank above having the stomach flu on a weekend.

Hilary said...

I was feeling claustrophobic and numb-assed just reading it. You deserve a medal.

Jazz said...

Shudder. Think about it. Shudder again.

Oh and 23: Make sure your boss and co-workers never ever see your blog.

Craver Vii said...

Wow!! How many people did they have on stage for that old video? I played congas at church yesterday, but we sounded nothing like that. I think our sound guy must have found a "suck attenuator" and managed to turn it down enough so that I didn't ruin things for the rest of the band. Too bad we couldn't do something to reduce the suckiness of your Saturday. Oh well, cheer up... Monday's here! Mwaaa-hahahaaaaa

Cooper said...

you'll never leave there...what would you blog about????

Brian said...

Got me a GPS for xmas. I've used it to drive around town to places I know. Veerrrrry interesting the routes the GPS tries to take me on. Makes me leery of using it to go someplace I don't know.

This entry also illustrates the downside of car pooling - (besides a bad driver/astrogator combo) - you can't leave whenever the hell you like.

Now you just need to take a sick day some gorgeous Friday this summer to balance the scale. What a terrible way to spend a Saturday. Work owes you BIG time.

(M)ary said...

Can someone please find Michelle a library job?! This is an emergency. We must save her before it is too late...

elle dubya said...

please tell me you were paid overtime for this?

Beach Bum said...

12. Excuse yourself to the restroom and consider locking yourself in the stall for the day because you really won't miss anything...

Went to something similar once with a few others and after twenty minutes wanted to pour gasoline over myself and light a match.

But while going to the restroom saw two other guys attending the same class find a fire exit door open and noticed a bar across the street outside.

We hauled ass to it and found several others from the class had already beat us to it and over the next seven hours the bar continued to fill up.

Best class I ever attended and we were all happy cause we had to do it again the next day.

S said...

What fresh hell youve been in!
I think I would rather do the India/California flight all over again vs. having that kind of Saturday.
Heck, I'd even have a rickshaw accident again! LOL

Hope next Saturday is better for you.

Cricket said...

Oh dear. What a way to kick off a long weekend. I sympathize. Hope sunday, and possibly Monday, made up for it a bit.

Well, at least your boss will love you for this. I mean, she will, right? RIGHT?

~Dragonfly~* said...

I'm fairly certain that all GPS's were programed by men who do NOT stop to ask for directions!!!!

And how sad... because you are correct.. getting to the airport is one straight easy shot!!! two main roads and you're there basically!!!

If I don't know where I"m going... I prefer the paperback version of the GPS called an ATLAS!!! Or the abridged version... a MAP!!!

What a sucky way to kill a long weekend!!!

~Dragonfly~* said...

Oh... and interesting video clip... really caught me off guard as I misread your text... and was expecting Sanatra!!! lol :)

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