How to Waste a Perfectly Good Saturday

And I do mean WASTE, not as in laze about in a therapeutic manner but as in spend it doing something that has no real value.

1. Do not sleep in. Get up at 5:30 am so you can be to your office by 6:30 am in order to commute for 2 hours to a work related seminar in the vicinity of the Philadelphia Airport.

2. Pull into the parking lot and get into a compact car with 3 other coworkers for said commute.

3. Inform the driver and navigator of the easiest route (all highways) to your destination because you've been there many times. Have a coworker who has also been there many times corroborate your information.

4. Driver and navigator who have never been to the destination should ignore these simple directions that involve direct routes on highways in favor of printed out direction from Google Maps and use of a GPS.

5. Listen to the absurd directions given by Google and the GPS and repeat the simple directions with which you are familiar. Be told to hush the GPS knows best.

6. Do not spend whatever little amount of energy you have at this hour on a Saturday morning arguing. Wish them well, lay your head back, and tell them to wake you when we arrive.

7. Sigh deeply when the driver and navigator begin arguing about how to even get out of town.

8. Pass the trip drifting in and out of consciousness but awake just in time to hear the driver and navigator arguing over which turn to take. Watch as they turn off the highway and you spend the next half hour in some part of Philadelphia you never even knew existed. Eventually wind through the Mt. Airy section, plod along the SureKill Crawlway, follow signs for the Cargo City exit instead of the Airport exit when you finally see the airport because "that's what the GPS says to do." (Those few readers familiar with Philadelphia should try not to spew whatever you are drinking or eating through your nose. I don't want to be held responsible for the resulting pain or damage to your monitors. As an aside to my gentlemen readers, those of you who have ever been criticized by any woman for not stopping to ask for directions are guiltless in comparison to the 2 women in the front seat who put all of their trust in GPS and would not listen to the 2 women in the back seat.)

9. During this little tour of Philly, since the driver and navigator have told you not to interfere with what the GPS says, whisper softly to yourself mimicking Chevy Chase in European Vacation, "Look kids, there's the airport. Hey, there's the airport. Oh, look, there it is again."

10. Arrive at the airport and listen to the driver and navigator switch to an argument about where to park. Unfold yourself painfully from the backseat after finally parking. Witness the driver storm into the conference center cursing the navigator who is taking a smoke break.

11. Get your name tag and enter the seminar where the volume of music is shaking the walls. Be ushered by your boss to seats right next to the speakers.

12. Excuse yourself to the restroom and consider locking yourself in the stall for the day because you really won't miss anything, the volume is loud enough to still hear every word clearly. Take a few deep breaths and remind yourself there has to be at least one pearl of wisdom in this whole day. Re-enter the seminar room determined to find the one pearl but still wishing you had packed a flask.

13. Sit through 3 hours of presentations on marketing the business, not on the value of chiropractic, not on the latest research, not on patient education, not anything remotely inspiring or informative...marketing. Realize that even though your degree is in education, not business nor chiropractic, there is nothing even remotely stretching beyond basic common sense in the ideas presented. Even though everything is style over substance the slickest thing there is the hair of the guru who runs the whole thing. Pay close attention when the boss gives her manic, pacing, arm waving "inspirational" presentation during which she finds herself far funnier than anyone in the room does. Notice your ass is numb.

14. Break for lunch. Praise God thinking now you finally have a chance to stretch your legs. Become crestfallen when the boss informs you she arranged for a special consultation with the guru's business manager. Listen to the latest and greatest arm twisting techniques in how to rope a new patient into a 12 month care plan. Concentrate on controlling your gag reflex.

15. Return to the seminar room for the next 4 hours of ass numbing presentations on how to drum up more business. Ponder many things such as...
a. how a room full of chiropractors can ignore the concept that sitting in a single spot for hours on end might not be great for anyone's spine
b. how the next goal for patients per week at your office means each patient will get 1.67 minutes of time from the doc
c. how much methane is produced by the number of people in the room
d. how much money the slick haired guru is pulling in from this Amway style seminar scheme
e. how long it will take blood flow to be restored to your own ass

16. During the final review on shakedown methods begin quietly mimicking the distinctive gestures of the people in the films to the amusement of the navigator. When the young associate chiropractor from your office starts doing the same thing correct her because she was using the gestures of the office assistant. Coach her in the gestures of the slick haired guru doctor. Practice in tandem with her doing guru gestures and you doing assistant gestures. This will at least prevent total mental breakdown even if it doesn't generate greater sales.

17. When it's all over and the boss asks if your first seminar was a good experience consider all the possible responses along the spectrum of lying through your teeth and being painfully honest. Opt for the neutral response of, "It was informative. I learned a lot." Do not specify what you learned. It's less likely to get you to get you fired than saying having your seminar cherry popped was less than gratifying since there was no foreplay, no lube, you didn't get your jollies, and there wasn't even a little cuddle after it all.

18. Listen to the bickering from the morning commute resume before ever reaching the car. Agree with the other backseat passenger to plans for mutiny should the driver and navigator disregard your collective wisdom for the return trip.

19. Get the driver out of the parking lot and onto the correct highway pointing home. Every time the GPS is mentioned threaten the former navigator with death.

20. Humor the driver, who is the newest associate chiropractor, when she asks specific questions about how to improve the office and reach the goals the boss has. When she shoots down everything you say give one counter argument then shut up because it's clear the discussion will go nowhere and quite honestly, you just don't care.

21. When the driver and navigator begin to argue about the specifics of the new financial arrangements for patients (because you and your co-mutineer took away their fun in having cartography as a source of argument material) realize your personal reserves for anything work related have reached EMPTY. Plug in your iPod and listen to Santana the rest of the way home.

22. Arrive at the office, get in your own car to drive home and arrive there by 8:30pm.

If you made it through this post here's your own little reward of Santana.