It's 8:00 AM. I have about ten minutes to get my coat off and set things up in the library before I head to the cafeteria to help herd 600 grade-schoolers through breakfast in half an hour. In this building if you are a para like I am you are assigned to breakfast duty. One of the assistant principals is always there and a few teachers rotate in and out of duty on occasion. From what I can tell, the teachers assigned are the ones new to the building because there aren't many folks who would volunteer for this. I myself was less than enthusiastic about this assignment. Six hundred kids with leaky milk cartons, dribbling cereal, and spilling juice cups....kinda puts me off my own breakfast.
I arrive in the cafeteria to see children streaming through the front doors of the school and already in line for food. The para with the greatest seniority, Miss S, is at the head of the line with her cup of coffee and making sure there everyone gets something. Big Mama stands by the doors open to the street making sure children get into line for breakfast, older kids to the right, younger ones to the left. Miss M and Miss C are already doting on the littlest ones at the tables while the assistant principal stands at attention surveying the growing crowd for any signs of trouble. I greet each one as I pass them on my way to where I begin walking my path back and forth among the rows of tables.
Big Mama sees me and comes over for our morning hug. She was the one who seemed to reserve judgement on me the longest. She wasn't going to bother with me if I proved to be unworthy of her time. She does not suffer fools gladly. Little by little we got to know each other and though I liked her quickly I wasn't sure where I stood with her until she looked at me and said, "You cool. You my boo, girl!" We share the hug and a greeting now and them move on to keep the kids flowing.
Tiny Miss M catches my eye as we bump between tables. She gives everyone the sunniest hello. She is all about the kids though so no lingering greetings. Just a "Good morning, how are you?...I'm fine...Good, good," then she is bending down to tie a shoelace, or hand out a spoon, or open a milk carton.
Miss C stays on the periphery. She doesn't talk much to the other paras or the kids. She seems terribly tired of it all. She collects the leftover food that has been untouched. It's supposed to go in the trash and we all hate the waste. The other paras don't care for her. I say hello to her every morning, ask her how she is. Occasionally she offers me some leftovers because she hates to see it wasted plus she says she tries to be nice to people who are nice to her.
By now Miss S is done at the head of the line and moves over to one end of the cafeteria where the notorious party tables are. She stays close to make sure complete chaos doesn't take over. She is wiping up spills and making sure kids throw away wrappers and trays. Sometimes she makes them get the broom to clean up a bowl of cereal they tipped over.
Across the cafeteria I hear the assistant principal and Big Mama shouting to dawdlers, "You playing? You're done! Throw it away and get in line!" Kids don't dare challenge either one of them. They aren't denying anyone food but when you have that many kids to feed in such a short amount of time it can't be a lingering social hour. The kids need to clear up and move on to the gym to be able to socialize before classes start. More kids need the seats so they can have breakfast.
Into this scene I have been added. How I am seen I am not entirely sure but I try to be a smiling, happy presence for the kids but not one who gets walked on my them. I'm not putting up with nonsense and I think the kids know that. At the same time I think they know they'll get a smile out of me quicker than a shout unless they are out of control.
Each para seems to have her own little group of students who seek her out. I feel a tug on my shirt from one of mine who need a spoon. Another one leaves line long enough to run over for a hug. One set of siblings fresh from Puerto Rico winks and waves to call me over so they can talk to me in Spanish. Although three of the other paras are fluent in Spanish these kids think it's hilarious to try to get me to understand all three of them at once in a cafeteria full of hundreds of chattering kids. It's our game. Some of my keenest bibliophiles call to me to ask when their class comes to library or to tell me they love their books or remembered to bring back an overdue one.
Since I am only at this school half the time and, when I am, I live alone in the library, I wasn't sure if I was regarded as part of the team or just an extra. Breakfast duty, as dirty as it can be, has given me a chance to roll up my sleeves, show I am willing to work with others, and allow me to get to know the other paras a little.
`
Showing posts with label the wonderful world of work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the wonderful world of work. Show all posts
Monday, March 25, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Dear Teachers
After a month on the job in two different schools I am getting to know the faculty. Seeing each class come into the library is an interesting observation in how the teachers relate to their respective classes. I've seen some real gems and some real turds. These are some of the things I want to say. The positive ones I have or I will. The negative ones.....well....you all get to be witness to those thoughts. Names are changed to protect the innocent and even the guilty.
Dear Mr. A,
I love to see your class come through the door not because they are all perfect angels but because they are generally happy. After seeing the way you interact with them and getting to speak with you at lunch I can't help but think part of that is because of the climate you create in your classroom and the way you respect them. You also expect them to demonstrate respect to you and to those around them and even their environs. You've been in this school, which has a far less than stellar reputation, for most of your long career and you still say this is where you want to be with all your heart. It shows. Thank you. You are an inspiration.
Dear Mrs B,
Please go visit Mr. A's class and take notes. Your students all come into the library with looks of terror. They all seem afraid to ask questions and apologetic if they work up the courage to do so. When you ripped into a boy who respectfully challenged me about a book I thought he owed the library I understood why. He may only be a little kid but sometimes kids are right and adults are wrong. That day I discovered I was wrong when I double checked my records and I told you and your student so. Your verbal attacks were upsetting to both your student and to me because they were personal, vicious, and unprofessional. Please chill the hell out or retire before you damage any more developing psyches.
Dear Ms. C,
You demonstrate a wonderful ease with your class. They respect you and yet they have fun with you. They feel free to ask you about things they don't understand or just share some wild imaginings. You listen and you explain things to them well. You have a wonderful sense of humor. Oh, and we are kindred spirits with regard to curiosity and love of words. Out of two schools you are the only teacher who seemed to really dig that I taught the classes the word bibliophile and you alone asked your class if they remembered the word. Thank you for 1) not feeling threatened by an uppity paraprofessional who didn't know her place, 2) not thinking I was out of my mind to teach it to 6 year olds, and 3) for celebrating logophilia! You rock as a teacher and as a colleague.
Dear Miss D,
I know it's the end of the day and you're tired when your class comes to the library but get the hell up off your lazy ass already. I will help as many as I possibly can but between checking in all the books they return and then checking out all their new ones in the 20 minutes while your class is here I only have so much time to help your group of first graders find things....or keep them from tearing half the books off the shelves. I'm also limited by the laws of physics and have yet to figure out how to be in two places at once. You sitting in the corner farthest from the shelves and shouting at them is really not helpful. Get up. Go into the stacks. Make yourself useful as more than a paperweight.
Dear Mr. E and Mrs. F and your respective paras,
You each have small groups of autistic students with high needs. You do a wonderful job with them. One of you is gentle and affirming. The other is more firm but also has a silly side. You and your paras have a thankless job that is often overlooked by other faculty and the administration. I see what you all do and you do it well. I'm so glad you bring your kids to the library and I am so glad to help them.
Ms. G,
If Mr E and Mrs. F can manage to bring their students to the library each week there is no defensible reason why you cannot bring your class of typically developing students to the library. Your refusal to let them have any library privileges at all for the entire year makes no sense. Your job is to impart knowledge and inspire the natural curiosity the children have. Denying them books runs counter to that in every way.
Mrs. H,
Wow! You are a force to be reckoned with. Just wow! What you have overcome to continue doing your job is just mind-boggling. Mere mortals would have just been glad to be alive and called it a day but not you. You came back with a vengeance. You deal with massive amounts of garbage from the powers over you too and yet you adapt and move on....but you also give hell to anyone who gets in your way. I'm sure some people are scared to death of you because you do not suffer fools gladly. Personally, I am in awe of you.
Mrs I,
Would you please gain some degree of control over your class. I'd really appreciate it. I don't expect silence in the library but my minimal request is that it not be regarded as a second gym class. Climbing the shelves, over the tables, running all over the place, and everyone shouting to be heard are a bit much.
Mrs. J and Miss K,
Thank you so much for taking the time to give me some kind words and let me know you appreciate that I am here. Thank you for telling me you think I do a great job with the kids. Thank you for not seeing me as "just a para" but for seeing that I have some skills and that I really care about the job I do regardless of the title I have. I appreciate the affirmation and the support.
Dear Mr. A,
I love to see your class come through the door not because they are all perfect angels but because they are generally happy. After seeing the way you interact with them and getting to speak with you at lunch I can't help but think part of that is because of the climate you create in your classroom and the way you respect them. You also expect them to demonstrate respect to you and to those around them and even their environs. You've been in this school, which has a far less than stellar reputation, for most of your long career and you still say this is where you want to be with all your heart. It shows. Thank you. You are an inspiration.
Dear Mrs B,
Please go visit Mr. A's class and take notes. Your students all come into the library with looks of terror. They all seem afraid to ask questions and apologetic if they work up the courage to do so. When you ripped into a boy who respectfully challenged me about a book I thought he owed the library I understood why. He may only be a little kid but sometimes kids are right and adults are wrong. That day I discovered I was wrong when I double checked my records and I told you and your student so. Your verbal attacks were upsetting to both your student and to me because they were personal, vicious, and unprofessional. Please chill the hell out or retire before you damage any more developing psyches.
Dear Ms. C,
You demonstrate a wonderful ease with your class. They respect you and yet they have fun with you. They feel free to ask you about things they don't understand or just share some wild imaginings. You listen and you explain things to them well. You have a wonderful sense of humor. Oh, and we are kindred spirits with regard to curiosity and love of words. Out of two schools you are the only teacher who seemed to really dig that I taught the classes the word bibliophile and you alone asked your class if they remembered the word. Thank you for 1) not feeling threatened by an uppity paraprofessional who didn't know her place, 2) not thinking I was out of my mind to teach it to 6 year olds, and 3) for celebrating logophilia! You rock as a teacher and as a colleague.
Dear Miss D,
I know it's the end of the day and you're tired when your class comes to the library but get the hell up off your lazy ass already. I will help as many as I possibly can but between checking in all the books they return and then checking out all their new ones in the 20 minutes while your class is here I only have so much time to help your group of first graders find things....or keep them from tearing half the books off the shelves. I'm also limited by the laws of physics and have yet to figure out how to be in two places at once. You sitting in the corner farthest from the shelves and shouting at them is really not helpful. Get up. Go into the stacks. Make yourself useful as more than a paperweight.
Dear Mr. E and Mrs. F and your respective paras,
You each have small groups of autistic students with high needs. You do a wonderful job with them. One of you is gentle and affirming. The other is more firm but also has a silly side. You and your paras have a thankless job that is often overlooked by other faculty and the administration. I see what you all do and you do it well. I'm so glad you bring your kids to the library and I am so glad to help them.
Ms. G,
If Mr E and Mrs. F can manage to bring their students to the library each week there is no defensible reason why you cannot bring your class of typically developing students to the library. Your refusal to let them have any library privileges at all for the entire year makes no sense. Your job is to impart knowledge and inspire the natural curiosity the children have. Denying them books runs counter to that in every way.
Mrs. H,
Wow! You are a force to be reckoned with. Just wow! What you have overcome to continue doing your job is just mind-boggling. Mere mortals would have just been glad to be alive and called it a day but not you. You came back with a vengeance. You deal with massive amounts of garbage from the powers over you too and yet you adapt and move on....but you also give hell to anyone who gets in your way. I'm sure some people are scared to death of you because you do not suffer fools gladly. Personally, I am in awe of you.
Mrs I,
Would you please gain some degree of control over your class. I'd really appreciate it. I don't expect silence in the library but my minimal request is that it not be regarded as a second gym class. Climbing the shelves, over the tables, running all over the place, and everyone shouting to be heard are a bit much.
Mrs. J and Miss K,
Thank you so much for taking the time to give me some kind words and let me know you appreciate that I am here. Thank you for telling me you think I do a great job with the kids. Thank you for not seeing me as "just a para" but for seeing that I have some skills and that I really care about the job I do regardless of the title I have. I appreciate the affirmation and the support.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Fat Tuesday
Long-time readers know I am devoted to the notion of Fastnachts for Fat Tuesday. This year I made them the night before since I have to be on the road by 7am. I was not about to get up at 3am to make them. The one year I got up at the butt-crack of dawn to make fastnachts they did not turn out well.
This year a big bag of fresh, greasy fastnachts to share with coworkers helped grease the social machinery though. It's been hard to get to know folks at work since my time is split between two large buildings and communication is somewhat lacking. Three of the teachers in close proximity to the library have been kind and supportive so I shared with them and with the crew of ladies I am a part of who gets to do cafeteria duty every morning. We have to herd 600 kids through breakfast in half an hour...no easy task...and generally thankless....not to mention rather revolting at times. Fastnachts for all the ladies seemed to be an appreciated little treat during that duty. I've appreciated the ones who have been kind to me.
I had to giggle when on of the cafeteria ladies who speaks very little English came chattering at me animatedly in Spanish. One of the other ladies asked me if I understood what she was saying. I said more or less that I was getting that she thought they were rich and yummy and even though I offered sugar to shake them in she was happy without it. The one who would translate smiled and gave me the thumbs up. Food bridges language barriers pretty nicely sometimes.
Later in the day I had a young student come to me and say in halting English that he had a Valentine for me. It was a little package of conversation hearts. Well, shucks....then it was time for me to be surprised.
This year a big bag of fresh, greasy fastnachts to share with coworkers helped grease the social machinery though. It's been hard to get to know folks at work since my time is split between two large buildings and communication is somewhat lacking. Three of the teachers in close proximity to the library have been kind and supportive so I shared with them and with the crew of ladies I am a part of who gets to do cafeteria duty every morning. We have to herd 600 kids through breakfast in half an hour...no easy task...and generally thankless....not to mention rather revolting at times. Fastnachts for all the ladies seemed to be an appreciated little treat during that duty. I've appreciated the ones who have been kind to me.
I had to giggle when on of the cafeteria ladies who speaks very little English came chattering at me animatedly in Spanish. One of the other ladies asked me if I understood what she was saying. I said more or less that I was getting that she thought they were rich and yummy and even though I offered sugar to shake them in she was happy without it. The one who would translate smiled and gave me the thumbs up. Food bridges language barriers pretty nicely sometimes.
Later in the day I had a young student come to me and say in halting English that he had a Valentine for me. It was a little package of conversation hearts. Well, shucks....then it was time for me to be surprised.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Non-Contractual Benefits
I am settling into my new job. Because I am shared by two schools and book circulation has only recently begun it may take another couple weeks before I work out the bugs in the system and know for sure things are working in the best possible way. However, I have already had some really wonderful experiences that I didn't expect to occur already. Allow me to share.
Between two schools I see nearly 1400 students. I taught every class, from kindergarten to 5th grade, the word bibliophile. I had one Spanish-speaking student attack the word logically guessing it had to do with books because biblioteca means library. I was impressed with his reasoning. I had another fellow correctly define it then admit sheepishly he found out from a student I'd seen earlier in the day. I told him I admired his resourcefulness and high-fived him for learning it ahead of time. I think he was surprised that I did not chastise him. I had exactly one student who knew what it meant without hearing from another student. I made a big deal about her knowing the word. I loved seeing each of these kids beam over the joy of knowledge.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I giggle to myself every time one of the younger kids sees me in the hall and either waves at me or pokes a neighbor in line to say, "That's the library lady!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At one school I have morning cafeteria duty during the time breakfast is served to early students. Three days after I began circulation I reported to the cafeteria. Moments after arriving a girl ran toward me and threw her arms around me before looking up and exclaiming, "I REALLY like the book I picked out! I'm not finished with it yet but it's sooooo good! Thank you!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I love when a student asks if we have a certain book or books on a certain topic and I can put exactly what is wanted into a kid's hands. The look of victory or relief or joy on a young face makes my heart quicken.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today I had a 5th grader check out a Shel Silverstein book. I have long been a fan of Uncle Shelby. This girl came up to me when there was a lull between check-outs. She asked shyly if she could discuss a poem in the book.
Absolutely, kiddo! Which one?
Monsters I've Met. (She reads the poem to me) I don't really think the poet means just like the kinds in our imagination. I think he means real people who maybe act like monsters sometimes. What do you think?
I think that is the wonderful thing about poetry. It has so many meanings on so many levels. And I think you are very perceptive to pick that up.
She left with the biggest grin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So I have a rotten commute. I get paid not very much. But I get some really awesome benefits that can't be quantified. I get to see kids become excited about books and all the ideas contained therein.
Between two schools I see nearly 1400 students. I taught every class, from kindergarten to 5th grade, the word bibliophile. I had one Spanish-speaking student attack the word logically guessing it had to do with books because biblioteca means library. I was impressed with his reasoning. I had another fellow correctly define it then admit sheepishly he found out from a student I'd seen earlier in the day. I told him I admired his resourcefulness and high-fived him for learning it ahead of time. I think he was surprised that I did not chastise him. I had exactly one student who knew what it meant without hearing from another student. I made a big deal about her knowing the word. I loved seeing each of these kids beam over the joy of knowledge.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I giggle to myself every time one of the younger kids sees me in the hall and either waves at me or pokes a neighbor in line to say, "That's the library lady!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At one school I have morning cafeteria duty during the time breakfast is served to early students. Three days after I began circulation I reported to the cafeteria. Moments after arriving a girl ran toward me and threw her arms around me before looking up and exclaiming, "I REALLY like the book I picked out! I'm not finished with it yet but it's sooooo good! Thank you!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I love when a student asks if we have a certain book or books on a certain topic and I can put exactly what is wanted into a kid's hands. The look of victory or relief or joy on a young face makes my heart quicken.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today I had a 5th grader check out a Shel Silverstein book. I have long been a fan of Uncle Shelby. This girl came up to me when there was a lull between check-outs. She asked shyly if she could discuss a poem in the book.
Absolutely, kiddo! Which one?
Monsters I've Met. (She reads the poem to me) I don't really think the poet means just like the kinds in our imagination. I think he means real people who maybe act like monsters sometimes. What do you think?
I think that is the wonderful thing about poetry. It has so many meanings on so many levels. And I think you are very perceptive to pick that up.
She left with the biggest grin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So I have a rotten commute. I get paid not very much. But I get some really awesome benefits that can't be quantified. I get to see kids become excited about books and all the ideas contained therein.
Monday, January 14, 2013
The Numbers
In 3 days I saw 25 classes equaling approximately 600 kids.
There were the initial 400-500 books left all over the library PLUS the roughly 800-900 more that were returned by the classes I saw.
By quitting time Friday I had shelved every last book....in three days...in between seeing classes...every.single.book....by myself.
Today I organized 700 library cards.
I kicked library butt. I took names....and I alphabetized them like any good wannabe librarian would.
However, none of that seems to match up to the billions of cavorting wee beasties* carried on the coughs, sneezes, grubby hands, and runny noses of 1400 cavorting wee kiddies in two schools.
I am feeling less than healthy.
*Descriptor used by Anton Von Leeuwenhoek, father of microbiology, when referring to single-celled organisms. It's a job in a school, I have to be educational here.
There were the initial 400-500 books left all over the library PLUS the roughly 800-900 more that were returned by the classes I saw.
By quitting time Friday I had shelved every last book....in three days...in between seeing classes...every.single.book....by myself.
Today I organized 700 library cards.
I kicked library butt. I took names....and I alphabetized them like any good wannabe librarian would.
However, none of that seems to match up to the billions of cavorting wee beasties* carried on the coughs, sneezes, grubby hands, and runny noses of 1400 cavorting wee kiddies in two schools.
I am feeling less than healthy.
*Descriptor used by Anton Von Leeuwenhoek, father of microbiology, when referring to single-celled organisms. It's a job in a school, I have to be educational here.
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
Fascinating
It's the word Spock used on Star Trek to express a certain degree of incredulity or bafflement.
As you know, I began my new job. I am the library aide at two different urban elementary schools. Each school in the district has a librarian on site for nine weeks of the year. The rest of the time the aides run the library. At my two schools there has been no librarian there yet and there has been no aide since the first marking period. I was given two days of training at a school other than my own, most of said orientation came with the caveat, "It could be completely different at your school." The woman informing me was not lying or exaggerating.
At one school I was given the entire first cycle to catch up on whatever record keeping backlog exists. I couldn't imagine needing the amount of time allotted but I did, partly due to sheer volume of need and partly due to significant technological impediments such as not having the necessary access to software critical for the job. Later I enhanced the impediment with a fairly impressive ID10T error or my own. Oh, and my desk for both circulation and whatever other work I have is student sized and the library has been divided into separate rooms to accommodate other classes since we lack space. Since doing that the students have not been able to have library IN the library. Library went to them....on a cart. The good news is the current principal wants the library experience restored to being IN the library....although other classes will still be there.
I also found a lot of folks who just don't like to be asked questions or for supplies. I was a little fearful for my safety when I dared to ask for manilla folders. Finally, I found one teacher who said she was brand new to the district just this fall. She said she and another new teacher are going to write a book entitled "Everything You Need to Know About Working Here but Were too Afraid to Ask or Didn't Even Know to Ask." She offered herself as a resource for my questions but quickly let me know she probably wouldn't have an answer...she'd mostly be able to commiserate.
Initially I was told I'd be given time to catch up with the backlog at the second school as well before starting circulation. Later that was reversed so I hightailed it over there this afternoon to dip my toes in the pool before being thrown in the deep end. I thought I'd start working on records. Wrong. I had roughly 400 books to clean up from all over. Piles on desks, on tables, on shelves, in carts. All in disarray. The assistant principal apologized for the mess and said she had tried to gather things up for me, which I appreciated, especially since the assistant principal generally has more pressing duties than tidying the library. Obviously, getting books checked in and put away took precedence over student records being accurate. The good news at this school is although my circulation desk is again a child-sized model I do have a grown up-sized desk for other work. Also, I was told the stockpile of nice soft tissues in the corner were for me, which was astonishing considering that just a mile or so away manilla folders were in such short supply I knew better than to even hope for tissues.
I am deeply grateful for the job. I am thankful for the folks who have offered support in my befuddlement. I am sure once I get a system working it will all be fine. I just have to say my first few days have been.....fascinating.
As you know, I began my new job. I am the library aide at two different urban elementary schools. Each school in the district has a librarian on site for nine weeks of the year. The rest of the time the aides run the library. At my two schools there has been no librarian there yet and there has been no aide since the first marking period. I was given two days of training at a school other than my own, most of said orientation came with the caveat, "It could be completely different at your school." The woman informing me was not lying or exaggerating.
At one school I was given the entire first cycle to catch up on whatever record keeping backlog exists. I couldn't imagine needing the amount of time allotted but I did, partly due to sheer volume of need and partly due to significant technological impediments such as not having the necessary access to software critical for the job. Later I enhanced the impediment with a fairly impressive ID10T error or my own. Oh, and my desk for both circulation and whatever other work I have is student sized and the library has been divided into separate rooms to accommodate other classes since we lack space. Since doing that the students have not been able to have library IN the library. Library went to them....on a cart. The good news is the current principal wants the library experience restored to being IN the library....although other classes will still be there.
I also found a lot of folks who just don't like to be asked questions or for supplies. I was a little fearful for my safety when I dared to ask for manilla folders. Finally, I found one teacher who said she was brand new to the district just this fall. She said she and another new teacher are going to write a book entitled "Everything You Need to Know About Working Here but Were too Afraid to Ask or Didn't Even Know to Ask." She offered herself as a resource for my questions but quickly let me know she probably wouldn't have an answer...she'd mostly be able to commiserate.
Initially I was told I'd be given time to catch up with the backlog at the second school as well before starting circulation. Later that was reversed so I hightailed it over there this afternoon to dip my toes in the pool before being thrown in the deep end. I thought I'd start working on records. Wrong. I had roughly 400 books to clean up from all over. Piles on desks, on tables, on shelves, in carts. All in disarray. The assistant principal apologized for the mess and said she had tried to gather things up for me, which I appreciated, especially since the assistant principal generally has more pressing duties than tidying the library. Obviously, getting books checked in and put away took precedence over student records being accurate. The good news at this school is although my circulation desk is again a child-sized model I do have a grown up-sized desk for other work. Also, I was told the stockpile of nice soft tissues in the corner were for me, which was astonishing considering that just a mile or so away manilla folders were in such short supply I knew better than to even hope for tissues.
I am deeply grateful for the job. I am thankful for the folks who have offered support in my befuddlement. I am sure once I get a system working it will all be fine. I just have to say my first few days have been.....fascinating.
Thursday, January 03, 2013
Friday 55 & Da Count- First Day in a New School
FRIDAY 55
Will anyone say hello to me?
Will anyone help me if I get lost?
What if I need help with my work?
Will anyone want to sit with me at lunch?
Will they think I am weird?
Make no mistake,
even if you're 44 years old
the first day at a new school
is nerve-wracking.
DA COUNT
After a day of training right before the holiday and another day of training right after, I reported to my own school today for the first time. I forced myself to go have lunch in the faculty lounge even though it would have been easier and more comfortable for me to be a reclusive library aide. It felt awkward but I got through it and one lady came over as I ate my salad and said, "I'm here to ruin your diet," as she offered me some homemade fudge. I accepted gratefully. The secretaries seemed annoyed to have to deal with me at all. The custodian was a very nice man. I share the library at this school with two classrooms and an itinerant teacher, but there is no librarian except for nine weeks sometime later in the year.
It was strange to just be turned loose in the library with no real direction other than, "Here it is, take the first four days to do what you need to get ready." I was grateful for a principal who was generous about time to see the lay of the land and sort out the backlog of things that have been piling up since October when they lost the person I am replacing. All things considered it was a good day.
In four days I get to repeat the process at the other school library I will staff. We'll see how it goes over there.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Stick a Fork in ME...I'm Done!
Forget the week. I deserve it for making it through Thursday!
My battery died...twice.
At work two of us had to do the job normally requiring five people.
I had one patient shouting at me at the front desk over a bill. He'd ask a question. I'd begin a calm answer. He'd cut me off and begin berating me.
I had another shout at me on the phone because I didn't have an answer for her question and the person who does is on vacation.
I had one refuse to fill out forms required for an exam and have a temper tantrum when I calmly said I'd have to reschedule her for when she was willing to fill them out.
I had a preschooler completely meltdown in the waiting room while her mother whimpered impotently that the child needed to stop.
I personally extricated the child twice from a place that was dangerous....while the mother watched.
I had one of my own offspring call me AT WORK to have a meltdown over how her own job is going. The phrase "I'd like to call you later BECAUSE I AM AT WORK" was one I apparently spoke to her in swahili because she did not seem to comprehend its meaning.
AAA came to see if I all my car needed was a jump or a tow.
The guy said it only needed a jump.
After he left, I proceeded to attempt to start my car....while it was already running.
My car was not happy about this. Its displeasure was expressed with another death scene.
I give up. I'm going to bed.
I'm trying to remind myself to be thankful that none of my frustrations involved a need for major surgery or final arrangements.
Inhale....Exhale.....Repeat....
Thursday, June 07, 2012
I'm Feeling Inspired Already
At work, one of my coworkers has been given the duty of periodically changing the screen savers on all the computers. The bosses like it to be something inspirational and generally containing some reference to a Bible verse. Since I see the screen saver for all of about 60 seconds out of an entire day given that I am in constant use of the billing and patient records software I don't really care what it says.
A few days ago, however, I did make note of the fact that my computer still had the screen saver from Valentine's Day. I razzed the Director of Screen Savers for her inattention to updating my terminal, not because I cared but because it's my duty to rib her for such things...especially when she complains about some of her duties that she finds ridiculous. I think her response may have been an obscene gesture as she told me to do it myself. (So much for the Scripture references flashing on our screens inspiring us to good behavior.) Undaunted, I retorted, "Great! Hugh Jackman it is!" She reminded me the screen saver had to be "inspirational." I let her know Hugh inspires me in all sorts of ways. She thought she was challenging me by saying if I could find a picture of him with a Bible verse it might count. Silly girl!
Now, I don't know the first thing about Photoshopping anything but I can superimpose some basic text on top of a picture. A thirty second image search on the interwebz gave me a suitable picture. (Ok fiiiiiiine, so I spent at least 20 minutes looking at several pictures to make really sure I had the best one possible.) Then I added the text. The next day I had my new screen saver. Made me want to genuflect before my computer.
A few days ago, however, I did make note of the fact that my computer still had the screen saver from Valentine's Day. I razzed the Director of Screen Savers for her inattention to updating my terminal, not because I cared but because it's my duty to rib her for such things...especially when she complains about some of her duties that she finds ridiculous. I think her response may have been an obscene gesture as she told me to do it myself. (So much for the Scripture references flashing on our screens inspiring us to good behavior.) Undaunted, I retorted, "Great! Hugh Jackman it is!" She reminded me the screen saver had to be "inspirational." I let her know Hugh inspires me in all sorts of ways. She thought she was challenging me by saying if I could find a picture of him with a Bible verse it might count. Silly girl!
Now, I don't know the first thing about Photoshopping anything but I can superimpose some basic text on top of a picture. A thirty second image search on the interwebz gave me a suitable picture. (Ok fiiiiiiine, so I spent at least 20 minutes looking at several pictures to make really sure I had the best one possible.) Then I added the text. The next day I had my new screen saver. Made me want to genuflect before my computer.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Oh No, She Didn't! (Or Jeff Gets Me in Trouble)
In the past I have mentioned being in touch with my inner 12 year old boy, Jeff. He's been behaving for a long time but in the past couple of weeks he has come roaring out of hiding. You know, it has to be him because I am such a well-behaved person, always maintaining decorum...ok, wait....lemme try that again with a straight face.
Well, this week at work Jeff was in rare form. Usually he only comes out to play when the boss is out of earshot. His buddy, my coworker's inner 12 year old boy, Barry, is the one who tends to get caught by the boss. Barry can get really hilariously raunchy and is typically the one who gets busted trying to be discrete about it and failing miserably. The boss is a notorious prankster but very conservative about innuendo so in spite of my tendency toward such on this blog I do attempt to keep it under wraps at work when I am within earshot of the boss.
One of the adjusting tables had a badly damaged cushion we've been patching pretty regularly. It finally was beyond such temporary fixes so the boss ordered a replacement cushion. At the end of one evening it was quite slow so the boss decided to switch out the cushions on the table. This involved the need for a few tools to partly disassemble the table to remove the old cushion before replacing it with the new one. Once he was ready to install the new one he held it up to determine how to orient it as Jeff and Barry looked on. The boss declared with some amazement, "I never know what to do when there are more holes than screws."
Without missing a beat (read: without engaging the brain before opening the mouth) Jeff interjected dryly, "That's what she said." At which point the boss' jaw dropped at realizing I said this (rather than Barry) boldly, right in front of him. In shocked tones, as my coworkers looked on in utter speechlessness, he declared in all seriousness that this was the dirtiest joke he'd heard since he was in college.
This is the point at which most people's brain might finally kick in and cause their mouths to slam shut. Instead, my grey matter continued the chain of misfiring synapses as I struggled to imagine a man over the age of 50 honestly claiming that is the foulest thing he has heard in over 30 years. My response.....wait for it.....
"Really? Wow! You must have lived a very sheltered life!" (Coworkers were turning purple trying to breathe in between guffaws.)
He continued to insist it had been 3 decades since he'd heard anything so filthy as he bent to apply the new cushion and look for hardware that had fallen to the floor saying, "I don't think I have enough screws."
My coworker's alter-ego, Barry, quietly deadpanned, "I never have that problem."
Jeff replied, "That's not what I hear."
The boss wept into the cushion.
Well, this week at work Jeff was in rare form. Usually he only comes out to play when the boss is out of earshot. His buddy, my coworker's inner 12 year old boy, Barry, is the one who tends to get caught by the boss. Barry can get really hilariously raunchy and is typically the one who gets busted trying to be discrete about it and failing miserably. The boss is a notorious prankster but very conservative about innuendo so in spite of my tendency toward such on this blog I do attempt to keep it under wraps at work when I am within earshot of the boss.
One of the adjusting tables had a badly damaged cushion we've been patching pretty regularly. It finally was beyond such temporary fixes so the boss ordered a replacement cushion. At the end of one evening it was quite slow so the boss decided to switch out the cushions on the table. This involved the need for a few tools to partly disassemble the table to remove the old cushion before replacing it with the new one. Once he was ready to install the new one he held it up to determine how to orient it as Jeff and Barry looked on. The boss declared with some amazement, "I never know what to do when there are more holes than screws."
Without missing a beat (read: without engaging the brain before opening the mouth) Jeff interjected dryly, "That's what she said." At which point the boss' jaw dropped at realizing I said this (rather than Barry) boldly, right in front of him. In shocked tones, as my coworkers looked on in utter speechlessness, he declared in all seriousness that this was the dirtiest joke he'd heard since he was in college.
This is the point at which most people's brain might finally kick in and cause their mouths to slam shut. Instead, my grey matter continued the chain of misfiring synapses as I struggled to imagine a man over the age of 50 honestly claiming that is the foulest thing he has heard in over 30 years. My response.....wait for it.....
"Really? Wow! You must have lived a very sheltered life!" (Coworkers were turning purple trying to breathe in between guffaws.)
He continued to insist it had been 3 decades since he'd heard anything so filthy as he bent to apply the new cushion and look for hardware that had fallen to the floor saying, "I don't think I have enough screws."
My coworker's alter-ego, Barry, quietly deadpanned, "I never have that problem."
Jeff replied, "That's not what I hear."
The boss wept into the cushion.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Counting to Ten
As I have prefaced other such posts I hasten to do again. I like my job. I like the overwhelming majority of the patients I deal with every day. On occasion though, there are some I want to throttle. Last week the annoying ones seemed to be crawling out of the woodwork. Even the office manager noted I couldn't seem to catch a break. Here, for your amusement and my own therapy, I offer one situation near the end of a long day with a surplus of snotty patients and how I wanted to respond.
Every day I make the reminder calls for the following day's appointments. Usually I wind up leaving messages but sometimes I have actual human interface like this example.
Me: Hello, this is Michelle from XYZ Chiropractic calling for Bill to confirm his appointment for tomorrow.
Mrs. Bill: (snarling) When is my husband going to start feeling better?!
Me: (pausing in incredulity while I suppress my urge to rip this charming woman a new one, breathing deeply as wisps of smoke begin to escape from my ears before responding as sweetly as I possibly can) Well, ma'am, healing is a process that can take some time. Shall we expect him tomorrow?
Mrs. Bill: (more snarling) I suppose.
Now mind you, Bill is a brand new patient who has been to our office exactly two times before this phone call. Out of respect for patient privacy I cannot give you his diagnosis and history but suffice it to say he presents with a LONG list of symptoms from conditions he has had for many years. It is immediately apparent to even an untrained eye that he has quite a lot to deal with. He didn't just sleep on his neck wrong and wake up feeling a bit stiff. Allow me to also say that he seems like a generally decent guy who is not unpleasant, merely in pain. All that informs the response I craved to give.
"Well, you send him on in and with my magical powers as the front desk lady I will cast a spell over him, sprinkle some fairy dust, and he'll skip on out of here like a little kid. Then maybe we can set up an appointment for you where we perform a cranio-rectal extraction so you can chill the hell out and get off his back. I'm willing to bet that will make him feel better too."
Every day I make the reminder calls for the following day's appointments. Usually I wind up leaving messages but sometimes I have actual human interface like this example.
Me: Hello, this is Michelle from XYZ Chiropractic calling for Bill to confirm his appointment for tomorrow.
Mrs. Bill: (snarling) When is my husband going to start feeling better?!
Me: (pausing in incredulity while I suppress my urge to rip this charming woman a new one, breathing deeply as wisps of smoke begin to escape from my ears before responding as sweetly as I possibly can) Well, ma'am, healing is a process that can take some time. Shall we expect him tomorrow?
Mrs. Bill: (more snarling) I suppose.
Now mind you, Bill is a brand new patient who has been to our office exactly two times before this phone call. Out of respect for patient privacy I cannot give you his diagnosis and history but suffice it to say he presents with a LONG list of symptoms from conditions he has had for many years. It is immediately apparent to even an untrained eye that he has quite a lot to deal with. He didn't just sleep on his neck wrong and wake up feeling a bit stiff. Allow me to also say that he seems like a generally decent guy who is not unpleasant, merely in pain. All that informs the response I craved to give.
"Well, you send him on in and with my magical powers as the front desk lady I will cast a spell over him, sprinkle some fairy dust, and he'll skip on out of here like a little kid. Then maybe we can set up an appointment for you where we perform a cranio-rectal extraction so you can chill the hell out and get off his back. I'm willing to bet that will make him feel better too."
Wednesday, March 07, 2012
Why, Oh Why Do They Tempt Me?
Yesterday I had a minor rant about patient who annoy me. I had a few more today but I also had some great laughs. Remember that post about the double entendres I overhear all the time? Well, today gave me (or my inner 12 year old boy, Jeff, depending upon how you render it) a few guffaws.
First, a patient came in asking if I was ready for the massive coronal ejection heading our way. Seriously? You're going to hand ME a line like that and expect me to play it straight.? I think my head would explode from the pressure of the attempt. However, I couldn't be completely inappropriate so I just arched a single eyebrow and feigned disgust before asking if he spoke to his mother with that mouth. It was the retort least likely to get me fired but I wanted to be soooooo much bawdier.
At the close of day it was my turn for housekeeping duties. This involves collecting all the garbage and vacuuming the carpet. Last week I was told to skip the vacuuming as the bag was full and the vacuum was worthless until we got more bags. This week I was informed we had new bags. I installed one and fired up the Hoover. A marked improvement in performance was noted and I exclaimed, "Now I'm sucking with POWER!"
What? I had a lot of pent up frustration to release!
In other news, after all this temptation both to read idiots the riot act like yesterday and then be totally outrageous today I need to get away and blow off some steam. I'm Boston bound to unwind and have a ball with my cousin for a few days and perhaps cause some general public mayhem with another blogger and lovely wife. There may or may not be any posting before next Tuesday. It depends on how much trouble I get into.
First, a patient came in asking if I was ready for the massive coronal ejection heading our way. Seriously? You're going to hand ME a line like that and expect me to play it straight.? I think my head would explode from the pressure of the attempt. However, I couldn't be completely inappropriate so I just arched a single eyebrow and feigned disgust before asking if he spoke to his mother with that mouth. It was the retort least likely to get me fired but I wanted to be soooooo much bawdier.
At the close of day it was my turn for housekeeping duties. This involves collecting all the garbage and vacuuming the carpet. Last week I was told to skip the vacuuming as the bag was full and the vacuum was worthless until we got more bags. This week I was informed we had new bags. I installed one and fired up the Hoover. A marked improvement in performance was noted and I exclaimed, "Now I'm sucking with POWER!"
What? I had a lot of pent up frustration to release!
In other news, after all this temptation both to read idiots the riot act like yesterday and then be totally outrageous today I need to get away and blow off some steam. I'm Boston bound to unwind and have a ball with my cousin for a few days and perhaps cause some general public mayhem with another blogger and lovely wife. There may or may not be any posting before next Tuesday. It depends on how much trouble I get into.
Tuesday, March 06, 2012
Howzat?
I like my job. I like my coworkers. I like the overwhelming majority of the patients. Most of them are reasonable, pleasant, decent people but there are always a few who keep things...um...interesting.
Recently we had a new patient come in. I handed him the paperwork and explained what was necessary. He looked at me like I was from Mars. Yes, he spoke English. Yes, he seemed to be of normal intelligence. Occasionally, some of the language on the forms throws people so I am perfectly happy to explain terms that are unfamiliar or do my best to clarify questions if needed. There was none of that with this guy. He just wanted nothing to do with the forms other than to put his name and address on them. The thought occurred to me that perhaps he was unable to read but he seemed to be able to make out other things that would indicate he could read. He just didn't want to be bothered.
He came up tot he desk three times to protest the need for the forms. I gave the standard responses about the doctors needing the health information so they could give him the best possible care to him. I asked if he needed help with the forms. Nope, he just didn't want to do them. The exam should give all the information the doctors needed. By this time I was getting busy at the front desk with other patients so I asked our records girls to continue with the gentleman. She had the same problem with the man but she has the patience of Job and such a sweet nature she can coax the most stubborn patients.
Later on I told her I admire how well she handles the obstinate folks because it just annoys the crap out of me when people argue about something as simple as filling out a form. Records girl just smiled sweetly and said in the most gentle tone pretending to address a mulish patient, "I have three like you at home. You can't beat me down anymore than they have so let's just get on with it shall we, you twit?" Ah yes, we all need to find a way to cope.
The next perplexing patient was one who came in late last week. I had never seen her in the two years I work in that office. She marched in the door without an appointment and let me know the doctor doesn't charge her full price because she's a hardship case. Ok, well, office policy is we need copies of tax returns each year to justify continuing hardship arrangements and you haven't been here in two years so it's full price until hardship is re-established. She protested she is in the same job she was in two years ago when she was given the hardship rates. Mind you I did notice the shiny new car she was driving, the designer wallet pulled from the VERY expensive purse, and the Iphone clutched in her hands with freshly lacquered 2 inch nails. Her two year old was wearing a ridiculously expensive brand of sneakers and mention was made of going out to a pricey local restaurant after the appointment as well as a recent vacation to Cancun. Oh, and she didn't bat an eyelash at handing over a debit card to buy nearly $100 worth of orthotic pillows. Though I am no math whiz this is not adding up in a logical manner. That's hardship?
Then we have the patients who just have no time. Today brought the lady who was being re-evaluated and wasn't sure she had the extra 15 minutes for that. Uh, you made the appointment. If it became apparent that it wasn't going to work perhaps you could have called to reschedule. We are VERY flexible about that. We don't charge for late cancellations and it is rare we can't get you in the very next day if today doesn't work. She was in such a dither at being held up when she came to check out she wanted to use my desk phone to order takeout because as she reasoned, if she waited to get within cell range she'd have to wait some more for the food but if she called from the office she wouldn't have to wait. Her level of tension over the time is pretty standard. One time she was so cranked up I told her she had to take three deep breaths before I'd send her back to the doc. She thought I was kidding. I was not. Whenever someone enters in a tizzy and tells me about all the other people they have to take care of and responsibilities pressing on them I just let them rant away. Once they get it all out I tell them this is their time to take care of themselves, no one else, and to take a deep breath with me right there at the desk before they proceed. I get some weird looks but then they comply and they smile and are surprised to find they actually feel better. This lady, nope. She is just on full throttle every waking moment. No time for the frivolity of a deep breath? Sugar, you're going to have a stroke before you're 50 if you don't lighten up.
Finally, we have the ones who demand special accommodation such as the guy who wants to be on a special schedule for reminder calls. Front desk staff do reminder calls the day before the appointment. I specifically choose whatever time of day is slowest in the schedule as the time I do the calls. This character wants instead to be called the same day as his appointment but only about three hours in advance. Really? (Mind you we do strive to give personal attention, I keep track of several categories of preferences for a lot of our patients, who likes/dislikes receipts, who likes which exam room/doctor, remembering names and asking about other things patients remark on in conversation like vacations or other family happenings, other routines that comfort the anxious folks while they are IN the office. Heck, I even had one somewhat infirm elderly patient who had given me explicit permission to retrieve a wallet from a pocket in a walker because fumbling around for it and in it was truly a difficulty for him.) Call you three hours before your appointment...you've got to be kidding. You're a grown man with intelligence and education and no disability. Sure, I've got phones ringing, people showing up unannounced, others arguing about forms, others with appointments who think the times are mere suggestions, patients needing to be checked in and out, and patient flow to be kept at a proper pace but sure, I'll drop it all just to give you a jingle at precisely three hours before your appointment. Get real.
Now if you'll excuse me. I'm going to go take some deep breaths.
Recently we had a new patient come in. I handed him the paperwork and explained what was necessary. He looked at me like I was from Mars. Yes, he spoke English. Yes, he seemed to be of normal intelligence. Occasionally, some of the language on the forms throws people so I am perfectly happy to explain terms that are unfamiliar or do my best to clarify questions if needed. There was none of that with this guy. He just wanted nothing to do with the forms other than to put his name and address on them. The thought occurred to me that perhaps he was unable to read but he seemed to be able to make out other things that would indicate he could read. He just didn't want to be bothered.
He came up tot he desk three times to protest the need for the forms. I gave the standard responses about the doctors needing the health information so they could give him the best possible care to him. I asked if he needed help with the forms. Nope, he just didn't want to do them. The exam should give all the information the doctors needed. By this time I was getting busy at the front desk with other patients so I asked our records girls to continue with the gentleman. She had the same problem with the man but she has the patience of Job and such a sweet nature she can coax the most stubborn patients.
Later on I told her I admire how well she handles the obstinate folks because it just annoys the crap out of me when people argue about something as simple as filling out a form. Records girl just smiled sweetly and said in the most gentle tone pretending to address a mulish patient, "I have three like you at home. You can't beat me down anymore than they have so let's just get on with it shall we, you twit?" Ah yes, we all need to find a way to cope.
The next perplexing patient was one who came in late last week. I had never seen her in the two years I work in that office. She marched in the door without an appointment and let me know the doctor doesn't charge her full price because she's a hardship case. Ok, well, office policy is we need copies of tax returns each year to justify continuing hardship arrangements and you haven't been here in two years so it's full price until hardship is re-established. She protested she is in the same job she was in two years ago when she was given the hardship rates. Mind you I did notice the shiny new car she was driving, the designer wallet pulled from the VERY expensive purse, and the Iphone clutched in her hands with freshly lacquered 2 inch nails. Her two year old was wearing a ridiculously expensive brand of sneakers and mention was made of going out to a pricey local restaurant after the appointment as well as a recent vacation to Cancun. Oh, and she didn't bat an eyelash at handing over a debit card to buy nearly $100 worth of orthotic pillows. Though I am no math whiz this is not adding up in a logical manner. That's hardship?
Then we have the patients who just have no time. Today brought the lady who was being re-evaluated and wasn't sure she had the extra 15 minutes for that. Uh, you made the appointment. If it became apparent that it wasn't going to work perhaps you could have called to reschedule. We are VERY flexible about that. We don't charge for late cancellations and it is rare we can't get you in the very next day if today doesn't work. She was in such a dither at being held up when she came to check out she wanted to use my desk phone to order takeout because as she reasoned, if she waited to get within cell range she'd have to wait some more for the food but if she called from the office she wouldn't have to wait. Her level of tension over the time is pretty standard. One time she was so cranked up I told her she had to take three deep breaths before I'd send her back to the doc. She thought I was kidding. I was not. Whenever someone enters in a tizzy and tells me about all the other people they have to take care of and responsibilities pressing on them I just let them rant away. Once they get it all out I tell them this is their time to take care of themselves, no one else, and to take a deep breath with me right there at the desk before they proceed. I get some weird looks but then they comply and they smile and are surprised to find they actually feel better. This lady, nope. She is just on full throttle every waking moment. No time for the frivolity of a deep breath? Sugar, you're going to have a stroke before you're 50 if you don't lighten up.
Finally, we have the ones who demand special accommodation such as the guy who wants to be on a special schedule for reminder calls. Front desk staff do reminder calls the day before the appointment. I specifically choose whatever time of day is slowest in the schedule as the time I do the calls. This character wants instead to be called the same day as his appointment but only about three hours in advance. Really? (Mind you we do strive to give personal attention, I keep track of several categories of preferences for a lot of our patients, who likes/dislikes receipts, who likes which exam room/doctor, remembering names and asking about other things patients remark on in conversation like vacations or other family happenings, other routines that comfort the anxious folks while they are IN the office. Heck, I even had one somewhat infirm elderly patient who had given me explicit permission to retrieve a wallet from a pocket in a walker because fumbling around for it and in it was truly a difficulty for him.) Call you three hours before your appointment...you've got to be kidding. You're a grown man with intelligence and education and no disability. Sure, I've got phones ringing, people showing up unannounced, others arguing about forms, others with appointments who think the times are mere suggestions, patients needing to be checked in and out, and patient flow to be kept at a proper pace but sure, I'll drop it all just to give you a jingle at precisely three hours before your appointment. Get real.
Now if you'll excuse me. I'm going to go take some deep breaths.
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
Slow Day
It always amazes me how I can work 11 hours, get home 5 hours AFTER my son and when I get home, eat, and want to use my laptop that's when he needs it for the next 3 hours to type a paper....but I digress....
It's been slow at work lately. I hate when it's slow. I'd much rather have work to do than have to go looking for things to do. A few months ago I undertook a big overhaul of the filing system to streamline things for everyone but I'm done with that and now the thumb twiddling happens when we aren't busy. With out crew it can be a little dangerous to leave us idle for too long. We are a creative bunch and at least two of us are in touch with out inner 12 year old boys. That can spell trouble.
Today in between waiting for the beep and taking care of the few patients we had I generated several boredom alleviating activities....or at least signs that the schedule is too slow.
Then I thought of staging Chiropractic Office Olympics and all the events
Of course, on a slow day, there's also the benefit of having time to generate a blog post idea or two....now if I could just work on computer access at home in order to execute the ideas...
Feel free to add some of your own ideas to either list.
It's been slow at work lately. I hate when it's slow. I'd much rather have work to do than have to go looking for things to do. A few months ago I undertook a big overhaul of the filing system to streamline things for everyone but I'm done with that and now the thumb twiddling happens when we aren't busy. With out crew it can be a little dangerous to leave us idle for too long. We are a creative bunch and at least two of us are in touch with out inner 12 year old boys. That can spell trouble.
Today in between waiting for the beep and taking care of the few patients we had I generated several boredom alleviating activities....or at least signs that the schedule is too slow.
- Painting an entire wall with a white-out and highlighter mural
- Emulating PeeWee Herman with the scotch-tape (you only need to watch from 2:35-3:09 in the video)
- Alphabetize the bills in the cash drawer by serial number
- Create a full line of paper clip jewelry
- Do this with sticky notes
- Make wigs out of the paper shredder remnants
- Using the desk phone as a bola
- Recreating the pointilist works of Georges Seurat with the holes from the paper punch
Then I thought of staging Chiropractic Office Olympics and all the events
- The phone book shred (I am the current defending champ here)
- Chair races
- The monitor toss
- The enhanced high jump (enhanced by attaching electrodes for the electro-muscle stim machine to the competitor and giving them a high voltage jolt)
- File stacking followed by hurdling the stacks
- Patient launch (using the hydraulic adjusting table as a catapult)
- 100 meter spider stomp (we are in the woods and seem to be regularly invaded by arachnids)
Of course, on a slow day, there's also the benefit of having time to generate a blog post idea or two....now if I could just work on computer access at home in order to execute the ideas...
Feel free to add some of your own ideas to either list.
Sunday, December 04, 2011
...Beep...
As part of my job I am required to make daily confirmation calls for appointments. As such I get to hear an absurd number of voice mail messages. Most of them are pretty standard but some of them stand out. Allow me to share.
Hi, this is Mary. I'm REALLY sorry I'm not available. I promise to call you back as soon as I can if you leave me a message.
On the surface it seems pretty standard but the apologetic tone and earnest promise make me wonder why she seems to have such a guilt complex about phone messages.
Hi, this is Jack and Jill, we're probably home but just screening our calls in case we don't want to talk to you. You can leave a message but if we don't return it you probably shouldn't bother calling back...ever.
Alrighty then, so much for social conventions. On a positive note, it's one less person I have to call, right?
Hi, this is Jane. You may not like leaving messages but I like hang-ups even less so just leave me a message when it beeps.
What if I have a hang-up about leaving messages?
I like smiling. It's my favorite. What's your favorite?
Literally, that's all the voice mail says. No identification. No request for a message. It tempts me to respond with, "My favorite is when grown people sound like they have brains in their skulls instead of like they were abducted by some weird airport dwelling cult."
Revelation 3:20 says Behold I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with with me. Please don't miss this opportunity to accept Christ's invitation...etc, etc...(insert mini sermon you think may use up whatever space is on voicemail) . Please leave a message and consider reading God's message in the Bible.
Father, forgive me for the violent thoughts I had waiting to be able to leave my message.
This is Susan, I can't come to the phone right now but if you leave a message with your name and number I'll return your call as soon as possible. I bid you a good day and good thoughts.
Good thoughts? Good idea. I needed the reminder.
At one point during my call list I wondered aloud how many minutes of my life have been spent waiting for the beep. Ironically, we had a very math oriented patient in the waiting room who overheard me and decided this was a question he had to answer. According to him I spend between 45-60 minutes a week waiting for the beep. I think I preferred when it was a rhetorical question.
Hi, this is Mary. I'm REALLY sorry I'm not available. I promise to call you back as soon as I can if you leave me a message.
On the surface it seems pretty standard but the apologetic tone and earnest promise make me wonder why she seems to have such a guilt complex about phone messages.
Hi, this is Jack and Jill, we're probably home but just screening our calls in case we don't want to talk to you. You can leave a message but if we don't return it you probably shouldn't bother calling back...ever.
Alrighty then, so much for social conventions. On a positive note, it's one less person I have to call, right?
Hi, this is Jane. You may not like leaving messages but I like hang-ups even less so just leave me a message when it beeps.
What if I have a hang-up about leaving messages?
I like smiling. It's my favorite. What's your favorite?
Literally, that's all the voice mail says. No identification. No request for a message. It tempts me to respond with, "My favorite is when grown people sound like they have brains in their skulls instead of like they were abducted by some weird airport dwelling cult."
Revelation 3:20 says Behold I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with with me. Please don't miss this opportunity to accept Christ's invitation...etc, etc...(insert mini sermon you think may use up whatever space is on voicemail) . Please leave a message and consider reading God's message in the Bible.
Father, forgive me for the violent thoughts I had waiting to be able to leave my message.
This is Susan, I can't come to the phone right now but if you leave a message with your name and number I'll return your call as soon as possible. I bid you a good day and good thoughts.
Good thoughts? Good idea. I needed the reminder.
At one point during my call list I wondered aloud how many minutes of my life have been spent waiting for the beep. Ironically, we had a very math oriented patient in the waiting room who overheard me and decided this was a question he had to answer. According to him I spend between 45-60 minutes a week waiting for the beep. I think I preferred when it was a rhetorical question.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Overheard at Work
I've been at my current job at a chiropractor's office for over a year and a half. Before that I was a patient there for MANY years. In all that time I've heard certain phrases over and over but until I was speaking to the coworker who is the Barry to my Jeff (our respective inner 12 yr old boys) I didn't really consider the double entendres I hear multiple times a day. Consider with me...
Don't let me pull out/Don't let me push in. (When the doc is performing musculoskeletal and neurological tests by asking the patient to resist pressure applied to limbs to determine areas of weakness.)
Let me have you face down. (Telling the patient which way to lay on the table to be adjusted.)
That was juicy! (The doc's interjection for when a patient's joints are especially locked up and finally release during an adjustment....though locked up joints sounds like someone had their contraband confiscated.)
I want you to start working on the balls today. (We offer therapeutic exercises using big exercise balls.)
Tell me when it starts to tingle. (We also offer electro-muscle stimulation for pain reduction. The patient has to tell us when they feel things so we know how to adjust the settings for them.)
Of course just when I got my own immature sense of humor under control at the end of the night I had to go looking for the doctor. I almost burst out laughing when he walked out of the therapy area with his shirt half off (understand he is always impeccably groomed and well-dressed and maintaining a professional demeanor...he's rolls his eyes at the crazy women in his employ and walks away when we start acting up) and giving himself therapy on his shoulder.
Don't let me pull out/Don't let me push in. (When the doc is performing musculoskeletal and neurological tests by asking the patient to resist pressure applied to limbs to determine areas of weakness.)
Let me have you face down. (Telling the patient which way to lay on the table to be adjusted.)
That was juicy! (The doc's interjection for when a patient's joints are especially locked up and finally release during an adjustment....though locked up joints sounds like someone had their contraband confiscated.)
I want you to start working on the balls today. (We offer therapeutic exercises using big exercise balls.)
Tell me when it starts to tingle. (We also offer electro-muscle stimulation for pain reduction. The patient has to tell us when they feel things so we know how to adjust the settings for them.)
Of course just when I got my own immature sense of humor under control at the end of the night I had to go looking for the doctor. I almost burst out laughing when he walked out of the therapy area with his shirt half off (understand he is always impeccably groomed and well-dressed and maintaining a professional demeanor...he's rolls his eyes at the crazy women in his employ and walks away when we start acting up) and giving himself therapy on his shoulder.
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
It's an Emergency!
It's been an interesting informal psychological experiment watching the various reactions to this emergency button before people know what it will do. I get as much of a kick out of seeing who reacts in which way as the brave patients get when they push the button. It's daily entertainment.
So are you dying to know what happens?
Are you?
.
.
.
.
.
.
It makes a sound like this.
Now..how many of you hesitated before clicking the link and how many forged ahead boldly?
I'm pretty sure I didn't have to ask how many of you laughed. I'd like to think that would be unanimous because if you've been coming here any length of time you must have some sort of appreciation for absurdity. Watching patient reaction has been another interesting set of observations as well. The overwhelming majority laugh or smile, some push it every time they come in, but there are a few who look at me as if I am not quite right and ask what it means. I just tell them it's for all their yodeling emergencies because you never know when you need a good yodel....or a chuckle.
If you need one of your own you can get it here. I'm hoping they soon come out with a Tarzan yell model.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Dear Patients
Just to make clear, I do like my job and the overwhelming majority of patients are pleasant and easy. There are always a few though who make life...erm...interesting. Time to express some of the things I'd like to say but might get me fired if I did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mrs. A,
I understand you are in pain. I understand you desperately want it to be relieved. I know. I can see it in your face and in the way you walk. I am completely sympathetic. I've been in that kind of pain. It's miserable. That said, being a demanding pain in the butt is not going to make your actual pain in the butt feel any better any sooner and it's not going to increase my sympathy for you. Bitching at me because we aren't open when you want to come is not going to cause us to change our hours. Ranting because I can't schedule your exam during the hour when there are two other exams already scheduled isn't going to change the situation either. Shocking as it may seem, we have other patients who are in pain too and they also require care. Amazingly, most of them seem to manage to maintain some respect for folks around them in spite of their pain.
Pained to say it,
She Who Controls the Schedule
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. B,
You seemed like a jovial sort when you began coming to our office a couple weeks ago. We always like the patients who display a sense of humor. We especially appreciate the ones who do so with a sense of decorum. You quickly devolved from a fun and jokey fellow to a complete creep. Did you know there is a particular chiropractic adjustment for the tailbone during which the practitioner has to insert his finger into the patients rectum in order to reposition the coccyx? Should you EVER make a crude joke about me being Greek and the sexual preferences you assume I have as a result of my ethnicity I will ask the doctor to demonstrate that procedure....while wearing a glove made of coarse grit sandpaper.
Disgustedly,
A Greek Bearing a Special Gift Just for You
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr. C.,
Your wife came to us in pain last week. She was pleasant and appreciative of the care she received and noted early improvement with amazement. There was some confusion about the coverage your insurance provided. After re-verifying it was determined that you had a little less than you expected but still decent coverage over all. I realize times are tough economically. I know what it is to live on one income when you're raising a family. Nonetheless, it pissed me off that YOU called to cancel YOUR WIFE'S appointment telling me rather harshly, "She stays at home with our 4 kids and I'm the only one working and that's too much money to spend." Do.not.start.with.me. If she has four kids to take care of she is working. If she is in pain then you spend some money to make her well. If you're not willing to invest in your wife's welfare I sure hope you pay for some birth control so she doesn't have more kids to take care of while you let her fall apart. If she opts not to avail herself of care that's one thing. If you unapologetically decide for her that she's not worth it that's altogether different. Not cool.
Liberatedly,
One Who Would Cut You Off In a Heartbeat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr D.,
You never actually came to the office. You only got as far as the first phone call. No, I can't schedule your first visit for the first hour of the day. As I explained, the doctor starts exams in the second hour in order to get through the initial rush of established patients. It's also in your best interest so he can devote the time necessary to you during your exam in order to give you the best possible care. No, we will not schedule you an hour before our regular hours. Do you approach everyone in your life as they should bend completely to your will and convenience? Good luck with that.
Glad you decided not to schedule,
Making Friends and Influencing People
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. E.,
I like you, really, I do. You're smart and have a good sense of humor. You're personable and pleasant. Recently you showed a side of yourself that was quite a surprise to me and really pushed my buttons. You came in ranting about those damn poor people and how they just need to go get a job rather than asking for help. In case you haven't read any newspapers or seen or heard reports on TV or the radio or the Internet unemployment is pretty high. There are a lot of people who would like to work but there aren't jobs for them. There are others cobbling together multiple part time jobs with no benefits to make ends meet and praying they or their kids don't get sick so they have to miss work AND pay doctor bills while taking a hit to the paycheck. I managed to keep my mouth shut as you ranted about your taxes going to pay for people not working.
When you started in on how the fraction of a percent library tax grinds your gears because people should pay to use the library I couldn't stand it anymore. Do you have any concept what a library is for? Apparently not. Let me remind you a well-informed populace is the cornerstone of a democracy. Insuring that everyone, regardless of personal resources, has access to information makes sure that everyone has the ability to be well-informed and make educated decisions. Granted lots of people choose to remain ignorant, case in point right before me, but it should not be for lack of opportunity due to lack of resources. Remember those poor unemployed people you were griping about? Lots of them use the library to try to find jobs because it offers free internet access for finding job listings and submit online applications, which is increasingly required by many hiring employers. Remember the non-English speaking immigrants you were bitching about? Yeah, the library also offers space for English as a second language classes so they can learn to speak what you think should be the only language ever spoken on American soil. I suggest you go visit the library and inform yourself about its role in the community and the services it offers before you open your mouth again.
Oh, and explain to me again why you are on disability. You're still able to walk around and converse. Why don't you go get a job and stop expecting me to contribute to your well-being with my taxes.
Intelligently,
Librarian Wannabe
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr F. and Miss G.,
I'm saving the best for last because I want to end on a happy note. Nonetheless, I could get in trouble for this. The two of you don't know each other but you should. You each make me smile so much with your good cheer, senses of humor, and great outlooks on life. That must be part of how you each got to be in your 80s and still going strong. I've never been one to play matchmaker because I think people are better off making their own choices in that regard but the two of you would be so great together. Mr. F. I know you are glad to live with your son but I know he gets on your nerves because he is afraid of your zest for life. You just want to stay active so you don't get rusty and musty. Miss G. is zesty too and you'll find approval from her as well as a partner in crime. Miss G. You're a dear, dear lady who never has an unkind word for anyone. I know you're just a little bit little lonely sometimes though and I think Mr. F. would be a great companion for you. He could keep up with your energy and spunk. I'm sending the two of you to an adventure camp. Have a great time!
Mischievously,
Yenta
P.S. Send me a postcard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mrs. A,
I understand you are in pain. I understand you desperately want it to be relieved. I know. I can see it in your face and in the way you walk. I am completely sympathetic. I've been in that kind of pain. It's miserable. That said, being a demanding pain in the butt is not going to make your actual pain in the butt feel any better any sooner and it's not going to increase my sympathy for you. Bitching at me because we aren't open when you want to come is not going to cause us to change our hours. Ranting because I can't schedule your exam during the hour when there are two other exams already scheduled isn't going to change the situation either. Shocking as it may seem, we have other patients who are in pain too and they also require care. Amazingly, most of them seem to manage to maintain some respect for folks around them in spite of their pain.
Pained to say it,
She Who Controls the Schedule
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. B,
You seemed like a jovial sort when you began coming to our office a couple weeks ago. We always like the patients who display a sense of humor. We especially appreciate the ones who do so with a sense of decorum. You quickly devolved from a fun and jokey fellow to a complete creep. Did you know there is a particular chiropractic adjustment for the tailbone during which the practitioner has to insert his finger into the patients rectum in order to reposition the coccyx? Should you EVER make a crude joke about me being Greek and the sexual preferences you assume I have as a result of my ethnicity I will ask the doctor to demonstrate that procedure....while wearing a glove made of coarse grit sandpaper.
Disgustedly,
A Greek Bearing a Special Gift Just for You
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr. C.,
Your wife came to us in pain last week. She was pleasant and appreciative of the care she received and noted early improvement with amazement. There was some confusion about the coverage your insurance provided. After re-verifying it was determined that you had a little less than you expected but still decent coverage over all. I realize times are tough economically. I know what it is to live on one income when you're raising a family. Nonetheless, it pissed me off that YOU called to cancel YOUR WIFE'S appointment telling me rather harshly, "She stays at home with our 4 kids and I'm the only one working and that's too much money to spend." Do.not.start.with.me. If she has four kids to take care of she is working. If she is in pain then you spend some money to make her well. If you're not willing to invest in your wife's welfare I sure hope you pay for some birth control so she doesn't have more kids to take care of while you let her fall apart. If she opts not to avail herself of care that's one thing. If you unapologetically decide for her that she's not worth it that's altogether different. Not cool.
Liberatedly,
One Who Would Cut You Off In a Heartbeat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr D.,
You never actually came to the office. You only got as far as the first phone call. No, I can't schedule your first visit for the first hour of the day. As I explained, the doctor starts exams in the second hour in order to get through the initial rush of established patients. It's also in your best interest so he can devote the time necessary to you during your exam in order to give you the best possible care. No, we will not schedule you an hour before our regular hours. Do you approach everyone in your life as they should bend completely to your will and convenience? Good luck with that.
Glad you decided not to schedule,
Making Friends and Influencing People
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. E.,
I like you, really, I do. You're smart and have a good sense of humor. You're personable and pleasant. Recently you showed a side of yourself that was quite a surprise to me and really pushed my buttons. You came in ranting about those damn poor people and how they just need to go get a job rather than asking for help. In case you haven't read any newspapers or seen or heard reports on TV or the radio or the Internet unemployment is pretty high. There are a lot of people who would like to work but there aren't jobs for them. There are others cobbling together multiple part time jobs with no benefits to make ends meet and praying they or their kids don't get sick so they have to miss work AND pay doctor bills while taking a hit to the paycheck. I managed to keep my mouth shut as you ranted about your taxes going to pay for people not working.
When you started in on how the fraction of a percent library tax grinds your gears because people should pay to use the library I couldn't stand it anymore. Do you have any concept what a library is for? Apparently not. Let me remind you a well-informed populace is the cornerstone of a democracy. Insuring that everyone, regardless of personal resources, has access to information makes sure that everyone has the ability to be well-informed and make educated decisions. Granted lots of people choose to remain ignorant, case in point right before me, but it should not be for lack of opportunity due to lack of resources. Remember those poor unemployed people you were griping about? Lots of them use the library to try to find jobs because it offers free internet access for finding job listings and submit online applications, which is increasingly required by many hiring employers. Remember the non-English speaking immigrants you were bitching about? Yeah, the library also offers space for English as a second language classes so they can learn to speak what you think should be the only language ever spoken on American soil. I suggest you go visit the library and inform yourself about its role in the community and the services it offers before you open your mouth again.
Oh, and explain to me again why you are on disability. You're still able to walk around and converse. Why don't you go get a job and stop expecting me to contribute to your well-being with my taxes.
Intelligently,
Librarian Wannabe
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr F. and Miss G.,
I'm saving the best for last because I want to end on a happy note. Nonetheless, I could get in trouble for this. The two of you don't know each other but you should. You each make me smile so much with your good cheer, senses of humor, and great outlooks on life. That must be part of how you each got to be in your 80s and still going strong. I've never been one to play matchmaker because I think people are better off making their own choices in that regard but the two of you would be so great together. Mr. F. I know you are glad to live with your son but I know he gets on your nerves because he is afraid of your zest for life. You just want to stay active so you don't get rusty and musty. Miss G. is zesty too and you'll find approval from her as well as a partner in crime. Miss G. You're a dear, dear lady who never has an unkind word for anyone. I know you're just a little bit little lonely sometimes though and I think Mr. F. would be a great companion for you. He could keep up with your energy and spunk. I'm sending the two of you to an adventure camp. Have a great time!
Mischievously,
Yenta
P.S. Send me a postcard.
Tuesday, August 02, 2011
Overheard in the Office...Only in a Rural Area
We live in a rural area with a lot of urban transplants. Sometimes the culture clash is rather amusing, like when someone brings up the topic of butchering meat chickens.
Chicken Farmer: First we dunk 'em in a vat of boiling water so they pluck easier.
Avian Sympathizer: Oh no! I can't listen to this!
CF: Ok, we put them in a Jacuzzi.
AS: That doesn't sound so bad.
CF: Then we toss 'em in the Whizz-Bang machine.
AS: What's that?
CF: Well, it has a bunch of rubber fingers and it bounces the birds around to pluck 'em.
AS: Oh no! This sounds horrible.
Me: Think of it as a massage after being in the jacuzzi.
CF: Right! And we are just "undressing" the chickens.
Snarky Therapist: Give them a couple drinks after the Jacuzzi and I bet they'd undress themselves.
Me: Chickens doing tiny little shots. It's Chickens Gone Wild!
Avian Sympathizer: Oh no! I can't listen to this!
CF: Ok, we put them in a Jacuzzi.
AS: That doesn't sound so bad.
CF: Then we toss 'em in the Whizz-Bang machine.
AS: What's that?
CF: Well, it has a bunch of rubber fingers and it bounces the birds around to pluck 'em.
AS: Oh no! This sounds horrible.
Me: Think of it as a massage after being in the jacuzzi.
CF: Right! And we are just "undressing" the chickens.
Snarky Therapist: Give them a couple drinks after the Jacuzzi and I bet they'd undress themselves.
Me: Chickens doing tiny little shots. It's Chickens Gone Wild!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Overheard in the Office
One of our patients keeps us updated on her 90 year old mother's various adventures and her love life. Yes, you read that right. The nonagenarian widow had a younger boyfriend. Here then is a recent conversation she related to us that I found too funny not to share.
90: I need a new dancing partner now that my younger boyfriend died.
Daughter: Ma, you're not only a cougar, you're a black widow! This is the third man you've buried! I think it's time you start hanging out with your girlfriends.
90: Honey, you know as well as I do there's nothing quite like a man's companionship.
Daughter: Yeah, but you keep killing them!
90: Well, at my age there's no such thing as a long term relationship.
90: I need a new dancing partner now that my younger boyfriend died.
Daughter: Ma, you're not only a cougar, you're a black widow! This is the third man you've buried! I think it's time you start hanging out with your girlfriends.
90: Honey, you know as well as I do there's nothing quite like a man's companionship.
Daughter: Yeah, but you keep killing them!
90: Well, at my age there's no such thing as a long term relationship.
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