Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Oh No, She Didn't! (Or Jeff Gets Me in Trouble)

In the past I have mentioned being in touch with my inner 12 year old boy, Jeff.  He's been behaving for a long time but in the past couple of weeks he has come roaring out of hiding.  You know, it has to be him because I am such a well-behaved person, always maintaining decorum...ok, wait....lemme try that again with a straight face.

Well, this week at work Jeff was in rare form.  Usually he only comes out to play when the boss is out of earshot.  His buddy, my coworker's inner 12 year old boy, Barry, is the one who tends to get caught by the boss.  Barry can get really hilariously raunchy and is typically the one who gets busted trying to be discrete about it and failing miserably. The boss is a notorious prankster but very conservative about innuendo so in spite of my tendency toward such on this blog I do attempt to keep it under wraps at work when I am within earshot of the boss. 

One of the adjusting tables had a badly damaged cushion we've been patching pretty regularly.  It finally was beyond such temporary fixes so the boss ordered a replacement cushion.  At the end of one evening it was quite slow so the boss decided to switch out the cushions on the table.  This involved the need for a few tools to partly disassemble the table to remove the old cushion before replacing it with the new one.  Once he was ready to install the new one he held it up to determine how to orient it as Jeff and Barry looked on.  The boss declared with some amazement, "I never know what to do when there are more holes than screws."

Without missing a beat (read: without engaging the brain before opening the mouth) Jeff interjected dryly, "That's what she said."  At which point the boss' jaw dropped at realizing I said this (rather than Barry) boldly, right in front of him.  In shocked tones, as my coworkers looked on in utter speechlessness, he declared in all seriousness that this was the dirtiest joke he'd heard since he was in college.

This is the point at which most people's brain might finally kick in and cause their mouths to slam shut.  Instead, my grey matter continued the chain of misfiring synapses as I struggled to imagine a man over the age of 50 honestly claiming that is the foulest thing he has heard in over 30 years.  My response.....wait for it.....

"Really?  Wow!  You must have lived a very sheltered life!" (Coworkers were turning purple trying to breathe in between guffaws.)

He continued to insist it had been 3 decades since he'd heard anything so filthy as he bent to apply the new cushion and look for hardware that had fallen to the floor saying, "I don't think I have enough screws."

My coworker's alter-ego, Barry, quietly deadpanned, "I never have that problem."

Jeff replied, "That's not what I hear."

The boss wept into the cushion.

14 comments:

Craig said...

Well, duh. . . Id've said the same thing. . .

'Course, sometimes my wife tells me I AM a 12-year-old boy. . .

And yeah. . . if that's the nastiest thing he's heard since college, he just hasn't been tryin'. . .

;)

Sailor said...

I'm ashamed of your boss... he's letting down old-farts everywhere!

Bring out the 12-year olds, whoohoo!

Beach Bum said...

Okay, I don't feel so bad now that I once accidentally told a stranger she had nice boobs.

Daryl Edelstein said...

I agree, he's led a very sheltered life .. if he'd met Toonman he'd have heard 'that's what she (or he) said at the picnic' whenever a punchline was needed ...

Craig said...

Actually, my own personal favorite 12yo-boy retort is, 'I gotcher [whatever] right here'. . .

As in, Jen says something about 'that hard, pointy thing', then I say, "I gotcher hard, pointy thing right here. . ."

No extra charge for that. . .

And @ Beach Bum - No, you should feel bad about that. . . ;)

silly rabbit said...

Ha. I get the giggles here a lot. From the post and the peanut gallery.
Cheers to Jeff and Barry, who must make life at work livable and enjoyable.

Bijoux said...

Does your boss not watch TV? That's just weird!

Suldog said...

Personally, I'm not sure I've ever met any part of you in person except for Jeff. Of course, with my personality being that of a 12-year-old boy since the time I actually was one, I think you're a hoot.

Hilary said...

I suspect your boss is going to encounter a lot more Jeff and Barry from here on in. Too funny. :)

coopernicus said...

Does your boss live with his mother????

Logophile said...

Aaaaw, well, it's good for him.

Jeff and Barry better watch it though, there are child labor laws
:p

Uncle Skip, said...

My inner child is, on occasion, even less restrained (if that's at all possible). I also think he is somewhat younger than 12.

Mother Theresa said...

Where does your boss live...under a rock? I think you guys need to take him to a strip club, and get him a lap dance...that should keep him from ever being shocked again at anything the two of you could possibly say. ;)

Rob said...

Isn't it better to have more holes than screws -- 'cause the other way around you have to reuse some of the holes and that can get tricky. Just sayin'...