Caller: Hi I'm from Alma Mater U. and I'd like to thank you for your past donations to the Alumni Scholarship Fund. I'm calling today to see if we can count on you again to support this year's drive.
Me: This is the third time you've called me this year. My answer hasn't changed since the last two times when I've been called.
Caller: I'm sorry, Ma'am. What would that answer be?
Me: Are you going to actually listen and take note of what I say, AGAIN?
Caller: Yes, Ma'am.
Me: Good. My husband and I who are both graduates of your fine university have indeed donated to the Alumni Scholarship many times in the past as finances have allowed. I have noted during the previous two calls that we now have our eldest child enrolled in this very same school. Upon her acceptance we contacted the Alumni Office to learn what sorts of scholarship opportunities existed for the children of alumni who would now find themselves as students at this fine institution.
We were told she may have her name entered TWICE in a scholarship lottery, one for each parent who graduated from Alma Mater U. We were informed that should her name be chosen at random she would receive a $700 one time scholarship. It was a little bothersome to have been led to believe in the past that this scholarship had something to do not only with being the child of alumni but meeting rigorous academic standards. Did I forget to mention she graduated high school with honors, had excellent SAT scores, and passed 2 AP exams with the highest marks? Also, your fine university has also admitted her to the Honors Program. 'Twould seem to indicate she has met some rigorous academics standards, no?
She has not received one cent in scholarships or financial aid from your fine university. One may suggest she ought to pursue her degree at an alternate institution where she may be able to receive such assistance, however, yours is one of exactly TWO which offers her major and are situated east of the Mississippi River, therefore you have a near monopoly on this particular field of study. Given that we are paying full tuition for the next four years and trying to enjoy a diet which consists of something more nourishing than ketchup sandwiches during that period of time I would like to very clearly convey the answer that we will NOT be contributing to the Alumni Scholarship Fund during her undergraduate years. I believe the tuition payments should be considered our full contribution to any programs at Alma Mater U at this time.
Caller: May we call you next year?
Me: Have you learned how to count to four and how to add?