Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Get Real

Caller: Hi I'm from Alma Mater U. and I'd like to thank you for your past donations to the Alumni Scholarship Fund. I'm calling today to see if we can count on you again to support this year's drive.

Me: This is the third time you've called me this year. My answer hasn't changed since the last two times when I've been called.

Caller: I'm sorry, Ma'am. What would that answer be?

Me: Are you going to actually listen and take note of what I say, AGAIN?

Caller: Yes, Ma'am.

Me: Good. My husband and I who are both graduates of your fine university have indeed donated to the Alumni Scholarship many times in the past as finances have allowed. I have noted during the previous two calls that we now have our eldest child enrolled in this very same school. Upon her acceptance we contacted the Alumni Office to learn what sorts of scholarship opportunities existed for the children of alumni who would now find themselves as students at this fine institution.

We were told she may have her name entered TWICE in a scholarship lottery, one for each parent who graduated from Alma Mater U. We were informed that should her name be chosen at random she would receive a $700 one time scholarship. It was a little bothersome to have been led to believe in the past that this scholarship had something to do not only with being the child of alumni but meeting rigorous academic standards. Did I forget to mention she graduated high school with honors, had excellent SAT scores, and passed 2 AP exams with the highest marks? Also, your fine university has also admitted her to the Honors Program. 'Twould seem to indicate she has met some rigorous academics standards, no?

She has not received one cent in scholarships or financial aid from your fine university. One may suggest she ought to pursue her degree at an alternate institution where she may be able to receive such assistance, however, yours is one of exactly TWO which offers her major and are situated east of the Mississippi River, therefore you have a near monopoly on this particular field of study. Given that we are paying full tuition for the next four years and trying to enjoy a diet which consists of something more nourishing than ketchup sandwiches during that period of time I would like to very clearly convey the answer that we will NOT be contributing to the Alumni Scholarship Fund during her undergraduate years. I believe the tuition payments should be considered our full contribution to any programs at Alma Mater U at this time.

Caller: May we call you next year?

Me: Have you learned how to count to four and how to add?

Caller: (click)

15 comments:

Cricket said...

Perhaps I have a bad attitude, but I do not donate money to any college I attended. Sorry, but I feel like I purchased their services at no small expense. They did not give me anything I didn't pay for. Neither are they charities, in the strict sense.

I see these calls as something like receiving a call from the dealership where I bought my car, asking if I'd like to donate to help with their plans to expand.

Craig said...

Those calls from the ol' Alma Mater can get annoying, can't they? Even if they didn't, uh, 'mislead' you.

Since we essentially live in the same town as our Alma Mater, our chances of ever tapping into their scholarship fund are basically nil. . .

But, uh, I'll make a note, not to ever call you soliciting. . . ;)

Jazz said...

They don't seem to do that here, thankfully. Or else I have managed to elude them.

Jim said...

Lol. With annoying solicitors, I'm always reminded of the Seinfeld bit, where he tells the annoying guy he's really busy, and asks if he can call him back later. The guy says he doesn't take calls like that at home, and Jerry says "great, now you know how I feel." Click.

XO

Suldog said...

Another reason I'm glad I never attended college...

(By the way, I have just begun to notice the labels you're attaching to your posts. Has this levity been slipping by me before this, due to my inattentiveness, or have you just now started it? I guess I'll have to go for a journey through your backlog to see.)

G-Man said...

...And thank you for your cooperation!

Cocotte said...

I used to be one of those solicitors back in the day. Hey, it was a free meal for a poor college student!

Don't know what they do in your state (which seems to have much cheaper tuition than ours!), but here, you don't get squat at the public universities. The private ones give you enough scholarship $$ to get you to within $6000 of the price of the public universitites. But, it's still an arm & a leg!

S said...

Go get em, tiger!

We have told Little Rita, "missy, get those As because that is how you are going to college..."

She gets all A's! Hurray!

Logophile said...

We've recently been getting some of those calls, grrrrrr
Over and over and over, even though we tell them NO!

Good for you, tell 'em!

Craver Vii said...

We used to have a list of solicitor responses next to the phone. We had to take it down because my kids were so into it, they were getting lost in character.

ttfootball said...

L M A O

Craver Vii said...

Speaking of telemarketers and such, check this out. It is the greatest prank call ever by Tom Mabe.

secret agent woman said...

You were more polite about it than I would have been.

EmBee said...

I'm with Cricket!

Jocelyn said...

Print this and mail it to a slew of administrators at the college, including the financial aid office!