What NOT To Do when you’re…..
1. On a first date: Ask your date if he/she minds a quick detour to engage in transactions involving illegal pharmaceuticals.
2. Intoxicated: Go swimming in an ill-fitting bikini/swim trunks, dive off the diving board repeatedly and only begin to ascend to the surface after finding the bottom of the pool with your face but loosing your attire.
3. In the shower: Make toast.
4. At your ex’s wedding: Stand up and offer a top ten list of reasons why the new spouse should not marry your former spouse when the officiant asks if anyone knows any reason why these two should not be married.
5. In jail: Drop the soap in the shower.
6. Being stalked: Well, that depends on if we are talking about celery, corn, or psychotics. I need a little more clarity here.
7. Stuck to an igloo: Depends upon which part of you is stuck...
8. In sewing class: Argue with the lunatic instructor about certain methods because your mother is a seamstress and that's not how she does it and things work out just fine for her, thank you very much.
9. Asleep in a helium balloon: I'm just trying to figure out the mechanics of first getting INSIDE a helium balloon before I can consider the list of things one ought not to do while inside it.
10. At a birthday party for twins (assuming they are your daughters): Invite Hugh Heffner.
11. On a nude beach: Forget sunblock on the parts that haven't seen the sun before.
12. At the opera: Ask when they are going to start biting the heads off bats.
13. You’re falling in love: Fall so hard you hit your head and loose the ability to reason.
14. Low on gasoline in a bad part of town: stop at a local biker bar while dressed in penny loafers, bike shorts, and a waist length pleather jacket with tie belt to ask if they have a payphone you can use.
15. Having a baby: Tell your husband it's ok for him to go deer hunting while you're in labor.
16. On fire: Fill your gas tank.
17. Lost at the mall: Well, seriously, if you're over the age of 10 but haven't developed age related dementia yet this shouldn't even be a major issue at all.
18. At a single’s dance: Introduce yourself as a polygamist.
19. Riding a bike on the Jersey Turnpike: Wear penny loafers, bike shorts, and a pleather jacket.
20. Driving your significant other's car: Allow him to decide the best place for you to learn to drive stick shift is in a parking lot next to a crowded park full of little kids.
21. Being robbed at gunpoint: The thing not to do is be robbed at gunpoint. I really don't recommend it at all. Freebie moment: this advice is sadly borne of personal experience.
22. Kissing: Check your watch, grab the tv remote to turn the channel, break the kiss and ask, "Are we done yet?"
23. Paying the hotel cashier: Use the smallest denomination of Estonian kroons...unless, of course, you're in Tallinn.
24. Buying lingerie: Expect Victoria's Secret staff to be helpful or knowledgeable of proper fitting procedures or even care if you are over the age of 30 or weigh more than 95 lbs. Go to Frederick's of Hollywood instead.
24. Commenting on a blog: Leave a long diatribe in Arabic detailing the links between global warming, Branch Davidians, and the worldwide conspiracy to spike lemon jello with hallucinogens in order to take over the southeast Asian market in rare breeds of slugs.
25. In Queen Mimi's dungeon: Expect a pardon from the Queen or clemency from the Empress.