Monday, September 13, 2010

The Hamster Saga

A week ago I was at a cookout at a friend's house.  Said friends have children who are interested in becoming hamster owners.  Apparently their parents have sanctioned this and have already acquired a cage in anticipation of two of our baby hamsters being old enough to leave their mother.  One of the excited children came to me and asked me to pick out the two nicest hamsters for her.  My expression in response to the request was one that only occurs when I desperately want to respond with a forthright remark but doing do would most assuredly lead to me having to pay for years of psychotherapy after having damaged the developing psyche of a friend's child.  I'm reasonably sure what did issue forth from my mouth was appropriately diplomatic because I witnessed no expressions of shocked horror afterward.

Mr. Lime is keen to get rid of these creatures ASAP so they don't begin reproducing again.  I am in accord with this, however, I still think this should be Diana's responsibility  NOT ours. He looked up online when they should be ready to separate from their mother and came away confused because he wasn't sure of the breed of hamster.  He went in to examine the hamsters himself then called me into the room. many babies did Naomi have?
They tell me she had seven.
How many do you see now?
Looks like five to me.
Yeah, me too.  Any idea where the other two are?
I reckon either in the piles of poo or else they've escaped.
(Mr. Lime looks under the bed)
What, you really think if they've escaped they are that close just waiting to be found?
No, I guess we'll just assume they were eaten. I think I'll take them to he pet store to see if I can get some answers.
Have at it.

Some time later I receive a text from Mr. Lime stating we are now hamster free.  Upon his return I ask about the arrangements.  It seems the pet store let him know the critters can't leave mama for another two weeks.  Nonetheless he took them to our friend's house and suggested since they were keen to have hamsters they could take care of the whole lot of them and choose the two they want at the end of the two weeks.  There was great gladness in our friend's house albeit with a firm reminder from the parents that the children would only be keeping TWO of the babies.  This still left the issue of the mother and the remaining babies.

It seems on the way home Mr. Lime had a call from the adult daughter of another friend.
I hear ya have a hamster problem.
You heard right.
I can fix that for ya.
Well they aren't weaned yet.
S'alright, whenever you're ready.
I dunno if we will have boys or girls for you.
I don't care.
I am not sure what breed they are.
Doesn't matter.
You sure?
Yep.  My snake will eat 'em regardless of breed or gender.

As he finished relating the future which awaits the hamsters not chosen as pets I asked about the mother.
What do you care?
Well, see...I looked in her eyes one day...and she has a name...and we're both mothers.
You're insane.  It's a rat.  You're planning on caring for it?
Then it goes to the snake.
Eesh, ok.

As I pondered the whole situation and felt like some sort of cold killer recreating a rodent version of Sophie's Choice, Calypso, who has declared her unrelenting and abject hatred of these creatures from the day the first one entered the house, interjected with an icy cold, "I'd like to attend the execution."


Beach Bum said...

Somewhere I can hear Elton John in the background singing "Circle of Life."

choochoo said...

lol. Well, snakes have to eat too, I suppose.

choochoo said...

lol. Well, snakes have to eat too, I suppose.

Cocotte said...

Yikes! As much as I don't like rodents, I really don't like snakes either!

Craig said...

Sounds like an eminently sensible, and mutually beneficial, arrangement. . .

Reminds me of a couple guys I lived in the dorm with once, who had a pair of piranhas. Usually, they just threw 'em bits of raw hamburger, but once a week, they'd go to the fish-monger, and bring back a couple live goldfish. They'd toss the goldfish in the tank, and they'd swim around happily, glad to be free of the little container they'd been in, until they turned around and saw their fellow-tankmates. I swear you could see their little fishy brains thinking, "Oh, shit!" . . .

And, just for the sake of saying so, it ain't often around these parts that we hear of Mr. Lime actually getting the better of you in a debate. . .


lime said...

beach bum, i considered making that a tag for this post ;)

choochoo, true enough

cocotte, i actually like snakes

craig, just wait until tomorrow's post....

G-Man said...



S said...

Oh dear!

LOL, yup, we all have to eat, even snakes.


Could it be a sign?
Save them, save them!

Anonymous said...

if you're going to title something "The Hamster Saga", the first sentence should definitely NOT be "I was at a cookout...."

Oh...and you've been tagged...

Jocelyn said...

I'm so with Calypso, only I'd need a blindfold to attend that execution.

(M)ary said...

I had a hamster dumped on me and it met a similar end except I don't think it actually ended up food, I think it just ended up dead. Long story.

Anyway, I think you and the mom hamster should run away for a spa vacation. (I can see you and the hamster wearing shades, drinking mai tais)

Nick said...

PETA's goin' to get ya!

Good blogging.

Hilary said...


Craver Vii said...

PETA: People for Eating Tasty Animals.

My wife is a pseudo-vegan. She tried it for health reasons, and it is working great for her. But then, every six months, she has a splurge day, when she can have bacon and gyros and ribs.

secret agent woman said...

I can't believe the vegan conversation is on-going - I'm not sure why, but many non-vegetarians seem to take offense at what ought to be a simple right to choose what to eat or not eat. Baffles me.

We're down to one gerbil. I am more than ready to have him join his brothers.