Monday, November 15, 2010

Report Card for Teachers

It's that time of year when kids run to the mailbox to grab the mail before Mom & Dad so they can hide bad grades or when the good students come looking for a pat on the head.  I'd rather turn the tables and milk it for a blog post.  Calypso has had a rough school year since she is still not attending for full days due to her health problems so we've had to be in fairly regular contact with most of her teachers.  Isaac is doing well in all but one class.

First  Calypso's teachers:

Mr. S. (Creative Writing):  I'm glad you have known Calypso since she was 3 otherwise I realize you might not be able to pick her out of a police lineup since she misses your class so much.  Thanks for being incredibly understanding and flexible.  I actually wish she could make it to your class more often because I know she'd get a lot out of it. B+

Mrs. U. (Ecology): You were a complete pain in our rectal environment at the beginning of the year.  Recently, there's been a climate change for which we are grateful.  Thanks, we appreciate it a lot.  Hopefully we can continue to cultivate positive growth the rest of the year.  Congrats on bringing your D- up to a C+.

Miss Z (Trigonometry):  Excuse me while I try to stop the tics bordering on seizure activity after typing the name of your class.  It kicked in my PTSD from my own year studying it.  Calypso WANTED to be in your class.  It mystifies me how two very non-mathematical parents can produce a mutation causing one of our offspring to enjoy it but good for her!  Really good for her that you are her teacher.  It's hard to miss such a difficult course so frequently and grasp the concepts.  Heck, I'd have given up long ago.  Forget that...I would have avoided the class entirely!  Anyway, you've been awesome in spending time after school to help my kid catch up and in being super flexible about due dates and test times.  You've done a great job of keeping me in the loop.  Calypso also tells  me that you explain things extremely well.  You rock!  A+

Mrs. R. (English Comp):  It's unfortunate that neither you nor Calypso are at the top of your game this year.  It's no one's fault.  It's just how it is.  Try to go easy on each other, ok?  Thank for making sure you communicate with me though.  I appreciate that. B.

Mr P. (Senior Social Science): and Calypso know each other from last year.  I guess that's a good thing.  She at least knows what to expect with you and given the number of surprises she's had in the last 6 months that's a help.  B-

Mr. S. (Psychology): Dude, how hard is it to answer a freaking email?  Nothing all marking period.  I had to take time off work just to come find out what's going on. I'm less than happy about that.  Even after meeting you I'm not sure what's going on but Calypso seems to have a respectable grade and you don't seem concerned about anything so I won't worry....but ya know, an email could have told me all that and not cost me part of my paycheck.  Courtesy, man.  However, thanks for being easy going about Calypso's lack of attendance. C+.

On to Isaac's teachers:

Mrs. M. (German): Can I tell you how happy I am that I finally have a kid who enjoys foreign language study and does well in it AND has a teacher who is competent?  Can I also tell you how hilarious I think it is that you are such a bouncy morning person and my non-morning son has you first period?  If I myself were awake enough I'd like to be a fly on the wall.  He does enjoy your class and I hear him speaking German for fun.  A+

Mrs. W. (Science): It cannot be easy to command the attention and respect of your junior high age students when you are barely 5 feet tall and look like you are 15 years old yourself.  You seem very organized and able to communicate clearly and professionally.  Hats off to you!  A

Mr Z. (Invertebrate Biology): Dissections and horrible stories about parasites.  Do you know how much my kid loves your class?  Do you know how much he loves to tell me the horrible stories until I stick my fingers in my ears and repeatedly shout, "I can't hear you?"  Do you know how excited he is to have you the second semester for Marine Biology?  In spite of how disgusting it is to hear about flatworms and "willie fish" (horrible creatures that follow a urine stream up into a man's penis before chewing out his urethra...and my apologies to the gentlemen readers) you are feeding this boy's lifelong love of all things zoological and it makes me very happy.  You are challenging his mind on a subject he adores and making him love it even more.  A+

Ms. R (US History): Oh honey, you're sweet, professional, and lovely with an endearing touch of gawky.  You're not brand new to teaching but still maybe just an eensy bit naive.  Psst....the kids are really good at manipulating.  By the same token, thanks for not being a hard ass about a kid who can't take notes due to a broken thumb and for being accessible to parents.  B+

Ms. C (American Lit): I specifically waived Isaac into your honor's class because I knew he was up to the task and because I know you are going to work him hard.  He's not liking it now, but I know he will later on.  You are tough but you are fair.  Isaac calls you "Crazy Pants."  I know you'd laugh and wear that moniker as a badge of honor.  I do worry a little bit about you though because you're at the school so late all the time.  I'm assigning you some recess time away from school because you deserve it.  A+

Mr. W (Algebra):  Dude, you're a putz.  How do you say a kid has earned a D+ and yet give the comment on the report card stating "Satisfactory work to date?"  If the kid did not have a lot of natural math ability (see also, Isaac's parents) and worked his butt off to scrape that D together I could see it.  My  kid is an A student so, to use a math term, are you noticing the incongruity here?  Likewise you tell me he tends to grasp the concepts but that if he is unsure of something he pursues you to ask for clarification....and yet you hustle him off.  By your own report, he's taking responsibility and trying to improve yet you blow him off.  You're a putz.  D- (Unsatisfactory work to date....notice the congruity?)

Mr. G (Tech Ed. aka Shop Class):  You're a sexist putz.  When my husband and I came to speak with you, you couldn't even make eye contact with me or acknowledge my presence.  Yes, my husband teaches the same subject as you so I expect some bonding between you two over power tools but not to the exclusion of  basic courtesy. FYI, I know the difference between a rip saw and a cross cut saw, allen wrenches and crescent wrenches, claw hammers and ball peen hammers, dado joints and dovetails.  Drill presses, reciprocating saws, compound miter saws...yeah, I can use them all.  I know what countersinking a screw is all about (and it doesn't involve some pig lifting my apron so he can grope me while I do dishes). When Mr. Lime started teaching Tech Ed. he was having trouble with the more advanced mechanical drawings (we're only talking an 8th grade curriculum here not anything really wild).  Guess who took the text book and the drafting tools and figured it out and taught the new tech ed teacher how to draw them.  That's right, it was ME, the female not worthy of your time.  So don't act surprised when I thrust my hand out before leaving so I can finally introduce myself with a firm handshake (not letting go until you make actual eye contact) rather than some dainty limp fish excuse for a greeting.  Maybe it doesn't seem like that has anything to do with teaching my son but I worry about any girls you might have in your class and the attitudes you impart to all your students.  I'll be charitable and give you a C- because I'm going to assume you at least know your subject matter.


Beach Bum said...

LOL!!! I really wish parents could offer up such evaluations to teachers. Of course from my own experiences while attending the local community college I had a real butt hole teaching me Spanish one time. Lets just say the best thing for both of us was that I dropped the class and he soon after went on some sort of extended leave back home. I can't imagine how either of us would have reacted to what I thought of him.

G-Man said...

Dado Joints....?
Far Out Man!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Ball peen hammer? What the hell is that and what's its use?

I think all teachers should get such report cards.

- Jazz

KFarmer said...

Loved your teacher review : ) I had a sexist shop teacher in high school. He never let me do anything fun because I was a GIRL. One day I said self, if he says to stain/varnish one more damn thing, I'm walking out and I'm not going back. That's exactly what happened to after I flipped him the GA State Bird~

I see him from time to time and he looks at me and I look at him and it ain't friendly. I love his brother though : )

Suldog said...

Well, the 'willie fish' had me squeezing my legs together and going,"Oooooh...", but 'countersinking a screw' got me back to normal.

Craig said...

". . .lifting my apron so he can grope me while I do dishes"

You say that like it's a bad thing. . . ;)


Now. . . if you can teach your shop-teacher husband how to interpret mechanical drawings, methinks you're better at math (and maybe trig most especially) than you think you are. . . Just sayin'. . .

But, I like this post; quite clever, turning the tables. I'd steal it from you, except I don't think I have the mental energy. . .

And hey - if Isaac needs some math help, I'd be happy to help him. Unless, you know, the 10 hours' drive from your place to mine would be a problem. . .

And 'willie fish'. . . please tell me that you made that up. . . please?

Hilary said...

I think you should start a new school standard. The great teachers would appreciate the sentiment. The not-so-great probably wouldn't get much out of it but it would sure make you feel better.

Dianne said...

Ha! love the viewpoints reversed,
do local friends read your blog?!?

Cocotte said...

A wonderful idea! I should steal it!

My son also has a good German teacher this year. And I'm also glad to have my third child actually enjoy a foreign language as much as I did.

College Daughter had a HORRIBLE Algebra 1 teacher. She got C's and it killed her GPA. She somehow managed to never get anything but an A in Geometry, Alg2/Trig and Pre-Calculus. Explain that one!

david mcmahon said...

Hi Michelle,

Let's see ... we've all agreed, you get an A+ on this one.

Cricket said...

Love the report card. Mine are still young enough that they only have the one teacher. Someday.

My father was a teacher, and I discovered, well after the fact of course, that the teachers the kids didn't like were generally disliked by the other teachers as well. Not always, but mostly. He didn't share this with us at the time, of course. I remember my sister's 3rd grade teacher who she thought was a horrible (bad word).

Dad and most of his friends thought so too. We found this out years later, when she ran for public office. Yay.

One thing about math, and I am completely serious, is it can be similar to faith. You have to approach it with a certain mindset, and be open to its possibilities. If you see it once, you won't forget it, and it will change everything. Really.

Jocelyn said...

What a perfect conceit for a post! You took me into each class and made me howwwwwl with the countersinking crack. Er, joke.

Dave said...

Michelle, this was great! I might have been a clever thing to email this to the school principal for his/her information on their staff? - Dave