Monday, February 07, 2011

Two Ringy Dingies

A big part of my job is answering phone calls, answering questions, and scheduling patients.  Most of the calls are reasonably straight forward.  A few are from people who think I may be the person who will direct their treatment and they feel the need to give their entire medical history in one phone call before I can schedule them.  Of course, that's generally when the front desk is already at its busiest with folks trying to check in and out for their visits.  I also get to field the sales calls, which are highly annoying.  Then there are the calls that are just memorable in terms of the gross misunderstanding of what we are willing to do.  Here are some top examples from recent history.

Me:  Good morning. XYZ Chiropractic and Wellness  Center.  This is Michelle. How may I help you?

Caller: I need to have my aura cleansed.

Me: I beg your pardon.

Caller: My aura needs to be cleansed.  I see your wellness program includes meditation.

Me:  Well, yes it does but more from the standpoint of relaxation and stress reduction, not so much in terms of an overtly spiritual practice.

Caller: What a sad excuse for wellness.  *click*


Me: Good morning. XYZ Chiropractic and Wellness  Center.  This is Michelle. How may I help you?

Caller: I'd like to schedule a high colonic.

Me: (not entirely sure I heard correctly) A high colonic?

Caller: Yes.  When can I come in?

Me: I'm sorry that's not a service we offer.

Caller: (indignantly) You ARE a wellness center aren't you?

Me: (working  hard to stifle the urge to say yes, but we aren't plumbers)  We are indeed, but as I said, that's not a service we offer.

Caller: *click*


Me: Good Morning, XYZ Chiropractic and Wellness Center.  This is Michelle.  How may I help you?

Caller:  I'd like to schedule a naked massage from a gay man.

Me:  (trying to figure out which smart alec must be pranking me then realizing the caller is serious) Uh...I'm sorry that's not a service we offer.

Caller: *click*


Anonymous said...

They might want to rethink the Wellness part of their name.

- Jazz

Hilary said...

Oh my. I'm glad you're documenting these. You might want to save them for the next Christmas party. ;)

Anonymous said...

when did they hand out cell phones at the danville state school????

secret agent woman said...

Can you get a high colonic to cleanse your internal aura? Not that I want that. Me, I'm also hoping for a naked massage from a gay man. Or just a massage from a naked man. I'm not picky.

clean and crazy said...

sometimes , i think i would love to answer phones, i would get fired, but i would enjoy it!!

Susan in the Boonies said...

Which just goes to show that one man's wellness is another man's wackiness.
Picturing you as Lily Tomlin answering phones at the Wellness Center makes me smile.

S said...

Are you sure its not one of your kids making prank phone calls?

Craig said...

Yeah, 'Wellness' seems to be some kind of 'loaded buzzword' for these folks, don't it?

And suddenly, I'm wondering WAY more than I used to about the places in our town that do business under the name of 'Wellness Center'. . .

But at least now I know where to go when I need a naked gay man to cleanse my colonic aura. . .

Or, uh, something like that. . .

WordVer = 'toxingsf'. . . which, uh, no further comment. . .

Craver Vii said...

Hmmm... All of the sudden, my job seems so boring.

Mother Theresa said...

I see that "wellness" has more meanings than I ever thought it could. You're going to have to start with: Good Morning, XYZ non-aura-clensing, non-high-colonic, non-gay-massage Chiropractic and Wellness Center. That should keep those crackpots at bay. ;)

Jocelyn said...


I can't figure out why the aura cleansing one strikes me as the funniest; I mean, how is it different from how funny the other two are?

G-Man said...

Do Y'all sell Peep Toed pumps?

Cricket said...

Hm. You'd think the "chiropractic" part would be a tip off that it isn't that kind of "wellness." Cripes... I need my chakras aligned?

Personally, I don't think a "high colonic" would improve my feeling of well-being either. Bleah.

Still, I might have been tempted to schedule an appointment with the aura person. Wotthehell. Yeah, sure I'll cleanse your aura pal. Step right in. That'll be $200.

Is that a real poncho or is that a Sears poncho?

Suldog said...

"No, we only do low colonics. As a matter of fact, we don't really quite do those, either. What we do is squirt some Windex on your bum. Will that be satisfactory?"

(M)ary said...

How can I be speechless and laughing at the same time? But I am...

TorAa said...

Long distance call - LDC -(no Skype user):
Hi, have I come to XYZ Chiropractic and Wellness Center?

Lime: Yes, how can we help you?

LDC: I'm not sure

Lime: If you are not sure, why did you call us?

LDC: My music help my back? I mean if it's the right rythm. Can you find of ...

Lime: Well, music is allways good, but I'm not sure we here at this Center will be the right place for you.

LDC: Well, after 17 hours travel, what will you recommend to bring my back to normal condition?

Lime: That's a challenge, if you are prepared for it.

LDC: Well, I did not call you unless you had some solutions

Lime: It might me a challenge. Up 6 am and then

LDC: You said 6 am, your local time?

Lime: That's correct

LDC: Haha, that's noon for me.

Lime: Noon?

LDC: Yeah, are you ready for Lunch?


Greetings from
Tor and Anna

We will be in US from July 2 intil July 26. Hub: O'hare.

btw. Sorry - Have been a bad commenter for to long time...

Dave said...

Michelle, you make a normal job sound dull! Thanks for the examples of your enquiries. Great fun! - Dave

Mona said...

Hahaha That is so funny :D

Cleansing the aura! :D :D