Sunday, April 15, 2012

Diana-isms

It would seem that my one year old laptop is beyond hope.  I've gone out looking for a replacement but the local stores have such a crappy selection I am reminded why I ordered my now-drowned one online. As soon as I post this I am going to surf for computer deals. In the meantime I have occasionally had the use of Mr. Lime's when he doesn't need it and Isaac isn't working on a research paper. I'm going a little bonkers with slips of paper containing random thoughts flying all over and no regular way to sit down and coalesce my thoughts.  There have been a few other developments around here that are adding to my crazy.  Rather than spewing my own rants I'll share some of the amusing rants Diana gave during her holiday visit.

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Diana, who currently works in a preschool/daycare, mentioned thinking about looking for a job in a nursing home.  I told her becoming a CA would require a certification process but it would certainly pay a bit more than what she is currently earning.  I also reminded her she'd be doing some unpleasant things like toilet care (not to dissuade her, just to make sure she is informed ahead of time).  She seemed undaunted and told me she does plenty of that now as she related the following stories explaining partially what occurred and partially what she wanted to say.

D: (perplexed) Jill, you're 6 years old.  Why did you poop yourself?
J: (happily) Oh Miss D, I just got so excited I had to!
D: (irately) Oh excellent.  Please be sure to let me know the next time your excitement is so intense!

D: (perplexed) Billy, you're 8 years old.  Why did you pee yourself?
B: (growling) I was so angry I wanted to strangle Johnny but I knew that was wrong so I peed instead.
D: (calmly) Ok, well I am glad you didn't strangle Johnny but we'll have to work on anger, I think.  What did Johnny do that made you so angry?
B: (psychotically) He looked at me funny.
D: (incredulously) Billy, he is autistic and has a lazy eye.  He looks at EVERYONE funny!

Diana then assured me she was fully prepared for adult toileting...until I reminded her that adult "accidents" are a lot larger than 6 and 8 year old accidents.   Then she began to tell me how the kids arguing with each other made her want to scream and she started with, "Mom, how did you ever let us li..."  I smirked as she stopped herself and sweetly asked if she had intended to ask how I let her and her siblings live to adulthood and adolescence.  She nodded sheepishly.  I just took a moment and basked in the acknowledgement before telling her I knew prison jumpsuit orange would look bad on me.

Later she and Isaac were discussing the massive change of football coaching staff at the high school.  Diana had worked as a team manager and statistician when she was in school.  After Isaac gave his opinions Diana asked if a particular coach had been retained or not.  Isaac told her he had not.  Diana's unvarnished opinion was expressed thusly:

"Good!  He's a big spoiled baby!  I watched him cry on the sidelines after the head coach pulled him from the game for repeatedly botching things and get belligerent.  He actually stood there sobbing.  I wanted to walk over to him, pull down his pants and ask what was between his legs.  Is it a 6 year old girl's vagina? No?  Ok, then man up and get over it."

12 comments:

Craig said...

A freind of ours likes to say that 'grandchildren are your reward for not killing your teenagers'. . .

Sheesh; your 'puter only lasted a year before getting g'zorped? Hope you have better luck w/ yer next one. . .

Beach Bum said...

...she'd be doing some unpleasant things like toilet care...

The hospital I work at once had a program that allowed current employees to earn some extra money by sitting with bed ridden patients so their family members could go get rest, eat, or take care of other family members.

There was a training course but we had absolutely NO medical duties other than always staying awake and watching the patient. Simply enough so I signed up, passed the course, and scheduled myself for a four-hour shift one afternoon.

My "patient" was an old woman who could not talk and was restrained in bed to prevent her from injuring herself. Needless to say once the afternoon shift nurse assured this lady's daughters their mother, who was sleeping, would be okay with me I soon alone in the room with her.

Things went down hill very fast when the old lady woke up. She was terrified of this tall and strange looking dude in her room and I had to call the nurse to calm her down. The evening nurse took over at 7:00pm and had never heard of the babysitting program I was part of so she kept trying to tell me to do things I was not qualified for.

Top it all off the near the end of my shift the old lady pooped in her diaper and when I called the nurse back she tried to get me to change it. The evening nurse had to call for two assitants, both young RN's in training, to clean things up. The second the my relief babysitter walked in the door I ran the Hell out of there and never did it again.

Suldog said...

Being neither a parent nor a teacher, and having been blessed with being an only child,I have not had to deal with anyone's poops except my own. I am very happy to report that I have never changed a diaper in my life. I hope to keep my spotless record intact until I die.

(Of course, if Karma were the bitch everybody says she is, I would now immediately become incontinent to the extreme and have to shamefacedly lug twenty cases of Depends to some checkout counter.)

Daryl Edelstein said...

Like Suldog no kids but I have changed diapers .. cleaned up puke .. and I loved that you got to say 'gotcha' (sort of) to your now grown daughter.

Craig said...

And I do love those 'lightbulb' moments that our emerging-adult children have, from time to time. . .

Bijoux said...

College Daughter has done her share of diaper duty, working in a nursing home for 3 years and all her clinicals. It makes no sense to me that she can do that, but be freaked out by a spider.

Just Me said...

I can't deal with little kids... my own drove me crazy enough, but I have almost zero patience with other people's!

That's why I chose computers. They don't talk back and even while they can be frustration, they function (or malfunction) with some sort of logic.

Kat said...

Oh my! It sounds to me like you have a clone of sorts in Diana. She definitely has your spunk, sass, and sense of humor! Makes me love her! :)
You must also remind Diana that big, adult butts are not quite as cute as little kid butts. ;)

What a moment for you that your adult child now realizes (on a small scale anyway) some of what you went through raising her. Heh heh. Gently remind her that Mother's Day is coming up. ;)

coopernicus said...

i don't know...something about apples and falling from trees pops to mind....

silly rabbit said...

What a great experience for your Diana! I love that she is getting what you did for them. I'm also impressed with her responses to the children. Well done.
I have to tell her though... adults eat very stinky foods. They can be mean with serious intent. Worse, they are not cute enough to ignore some of their unpleasantness. My sister used to come home from work with some very nasty bruises.

Logophile said...

She must get it from her dad
:p

Thing One is probably not going to play football next year here because the change in coaching staff did NOT improve anything, rather the other way. Can't say I am disappointed.

Secret Agent Woman said...

It kind of makes me sad when girls buy into the idea that being a woman (ie., having a vagina) makes you weak. Why is it okay to say crying men are being like women? Why is femininity somehow the opposite of strong?