Friday, July 12, 2013

The Part Where I Reveal My Neurosis and Inability to Keep Track of Time

So, um, yeah, I thought I posted this before I went to Maryland for a week of beach convalescence but apparently I forgot that button that says "publish."  We're gonna chalk it up to post-surg brain augmented by needing to run around like a loony trying to get all the last minute details attended to before Isaac went to Haiti and  Mr.  Lime took Diana to Georgia to visit his mother.  Then there was that bit where Isaac never got his shots and Mr. Lime's mother wound up in the hospital right before they arrived at her house and I was trying to make sure I had enough clean underwear for a week away from home.  Yeah, so um, if I worried anyone with my lack of posting sorry about that.  Here's what you were supposed to see....just to demonstrate my mind is still as whacked as ever.


Scene: over a week after surgery, Lime and her husband sit on the couch.

Her: My incision really itches.

Him: Well, take off those steri-strips.

Her: I can't do that.

Him: Why?

Her:  My neck will fall out.

Him:  The doctor just told you today they could come off.

Her:  She said I could start helping them loosen.  She didn't say rip 'em off like a bandaid.

Him: (incredulous) What?  We can't have anything with labels in this house because you peel them off as soon as you find them but you won't pull the strips off your neck?

Her:  Right, because my neck will fall out.  I have exquisite self-control under such circumstances.

Him: (rolling eyes and sighing) You neck will not fall out. Get them off.  Get some air on it.  They itch because they can't breathe.

Her: They itch because they are healing.  It can't heal if my neck falls out.

Him: You are insane.

Her: Which is why you love me.


The good news is I eventually took the strips off a couple days later and my neck didn't fall out.  However, I am still working on groovy stories for the scar.  Before the surgery when I thought the incision would be bigger I thought I'd tell people I tangled with the mafia and won.  I've also decided I may draw eyes and nose above it and ad fangs coming out of it like it's a mouth and call it Sid.  My kids have been calling me Frankenmom and Mr. Lime has been calling me Frankenwife so for Halloween I will surely need to attach bolts to the side of my neck.  Please feel free to leave your own suggestions as to bad ass or amusing stories for my scar.

65 comments:

Jackie said...

So glad that your neck didn't fall out!
Smiles as I read this post. Wish I had an amusing story for your scar, but I know you have clever readers that will. I look forward to reading them.
Continue to take care of you. Sending you hugs and smiles from South Georgia.
Jackie

Jocelyn said...

I'd just tell people it's a hands-free purse. Just open it up and toss a lipstick, some $$, and a tampon in there...

Beach Bum said...

Please feel free to leave your own suggestions as to bad ass or amusing stories for my scar.

Alien abduction is always an easy one for all sorts of scars and bruises. I'd have to exclude those suffering from hemorrhoids, then it tends to get gross.

Tabor said...

I think it is a great excuse to buy choker jewelry ... expensive jewelry!

Bijoux said...

I like Beach Bum's alien abduction idea......of course, you'll need to expect that a lot of folks will believe you! Just whisper, "government conspiracy"

(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip, said...

I thought I would have to explain the scar on my neck when I had my surgery.
The inconsiderate cutthroat forgot to leave one. Well it's there, but there's no point in directing anyone's attention to it.

Gosh, I hate it when that happens.

Stephen Hayes said...

Not to burst your bubble but Mrs. Chatterbox had this surgery and she doesn't ever get to use the great story she concocted because the scar is so faint nobody sees it. Heck, I don't see it.

~Tim said...

Really glad your neck didn't fall out, although I got a real kick out of that conversation.

How's this for a bad-ass story? "Cancer attacked my body and I beat the ever lovin' shit out of it!"

haphazardlife said...

I got nothing for you in the way of suggestions, but I really REALLY like the idea of Sid.

Daryl said...

you may use my story, the one i used when i hurt my leg and limped for a while (and made a big fuss over it as only i could do) .. i said it happened in the war

Logophile said...

The floride didn't work~ so the government inserted a behavioral modification chip in your neck.

Let this be a warning to all.

:p

Rob said...

Possible explanations for that cool scar:

Once, when times were desperate, you took a job as a Pez dispenser.

When you heard those stories about feeding tubes being used to keep hunger strikers at Gitmo from starving, you thought that sounded a lot more efficient than having to chew and swallow your food.

Before you perfected your sword-swallowing act for the circus (which you ran away to join at age 16), there were a few unfortunate accidents when the tilt of your head didn't exactly accommodate the geometry of the sword!


When you were working your way through college as a pole dancer (Aren't ALL pole dancers working their way through college?), you performed under the stage name "Deep Throat Desiree" and didn't want anyone to get the wrong idea -- so you had a tattoo artist create a fake scar on your throat to explain the moniker.

You just wanted to see what you could do with an extra orifice but nothing good came of it so you had the procedure reversed.

You didn't want Janita to feel lonely, so you added Fill in the blank to your throat to balance her out and keep her company!

joeh said...

You could develop one heck of a ventriloquist act.

Secret Agent Woman said...

I was terrified of removing the steri-strips after my c-section. I just waited and waited and waited until they came off on their own. I was sure my innards would spill right out.

Craig said...

Looks sorta like a radiator grill. . .

Suldog said...

I think you should just get two big tattoos on your neck, one on the left and one on the right, like this:

SCAR---> <---SCAR



Kat said...

HA! So glad your neck didn't fall out. Whew!
It reminds me of when we were moving right after Grace was born and my mom would scream at me every time I lifted anything. "Stop it! Put that down! Your insides will FALL OUT! Literally! All of your insides could just FALL RIGHT OUT!" Made me laugh so damn hard I peed.

I like the idea of a tattoo. You could write "Insert coin here" right below it.

Craig said...

Actually, you remind me of the scene from 'Alice's Restaurant', where Arlo is sitting with Woody in the hospital, and holds a cigarette up to Woody's tracheostomy so he can inhale. . .

And you and Mr. Lime are such a cute couple. . .

;)

Craver Vii said...

I knew a guy who's neck fell out. He lost his adam's apple and everything. They patched him up as best they could, but the poor guy can't turn his head anymore and collared shirts rub against his ears. Yessirree, you do NOT want to let your neck spill out!

Leave It To Davis said...

"They thought I died on the operating table because I didn't come out of the anesthisia. As the mortician began the embalming process, I woke up and screamed as he started the cutting. You think I look bad....you should see him! He was so shocked, he stabbed himself in the eye with the knife!"

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