Monday, September 25, 2006

Bitchy Post to Follow...

If it is a weekend when a surprise 60th birthday party has been planned (and over a month's notice has been given) for one family member, the newest family member has just been adopted and brought home from Guatemala, and the family matriarch has been in the hospital for the last week I am still willing to have you stay home if that's what you prefer. I will even do that without complaint.

However, when the children start asking why they have to be involved in family life if Daddy isn't and you back them up not in a mature way, but by making disparaging comments about my side of the family, I will defend my kin. I will also point out that the reason the kids don't feel connected is because they follow your example in not participating. I will however, allow them the choice. I will also go without you. And yes, I will ask my mother (yes, that member of the family you can't be bothered with but who you want to serve your purposes), who works for hourly wages, to drive me to and from the surgery center on Friday because God forbid you, with your salaried wage, should have to use a personal day to do that. (Yes, folks, Friday is the day the hardware comes out of my arm. I mentioned it to a few of you but forgot to post anything about it. Sorry)

If, when I return after two days, I hear about all the fun activities the 4 of you engaged in during my absence (special activities that do not normally occur and I have been asking to do as a family for sometime) I will feel slighted but I will put that aside long enough to enjoy the kids' happiness.

If I hear tales of how you all chose to subsist on Twinkies, potato chips, smores, and baloney I will understand the resulting stomach aches and indigestion.

If I walk into the kitchen that was clean when I left and see every glass, bowl, dish and pot littered about, along with all sorts of crumbs and other food residues (keeping in mind the hysteria and disgust I witnessed in all of you when we caught 3 mice in the last two weeks) I will not smile and clean it all up. I will call all of you to come fix this mess as I wonder how the aforementioned diet can produce so many dirty dishes.

If the father of my children should choose this moment to whine about how unfulfilling and beneath him it is to wash dishes (I am completed as a woman every time I get to scrub pots.....yeah, right) because he chose to excuse the children from their part of the job he may not reasonably expect a great deal of sympathy from me.

After all that he may wake up the next morning and give thanks for life because I chose not to smother him with a pillow while he slept.

34 comments:

snavy said...

You should have just smothered him because you know there will be no thanks for sparing his life or anything else.

I hope you at least had fun at the party and meeting the new baby.

p.s. - I have a shovel and I know how to use it. You have my number. ;p

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, I would have to side with Snavvy on this one (abandoning my Y chromosome loyalty). Give him a big dope slap and tell him he's lucky to have you. Or, give me his cell number and I'll tell him.

P.

airplanejayne said...

If you kept the hardware (which you should have -- I kept mine from my leg) -- have it framed in a beautiful shadow box. It will look attractive on the wall, and it will hurt like hell when you throw it at him.

airplanejayne said...

heh-heh-heh-heh

my word verification for the above was:
"pokhmm"

poke him

poke him

heh-heh-heh-heh

Anonymous said...

You are a good Mom! You let your kids make their own decisions and I think in the end, they will realize how much more fufilling family life is to eating twinkies and zoning out.

I am sorry you had a frustrating weekend!

kien lim said...

Best wishes for the hardware recovery and the weekend!

barefoot_mistress said...

Tell Mr Lime that he can come and stay in my extra yurt if he needs a safe haven after your surgery! LOL
(Dont worry, I'll put him to work over here! He can pick apples! LOL)

Good luck with your arm Lime XXXXXXX
From this point on, you are going to have to use an underwire bra again to get attn at airport security checks! :P

Anonymous said...

Oh boy, sometimes men can be just like little kids.

Good luck for your hardware removal on Friday!

Alistair! said...

When we were kids if we all didn't join in with family stuff ( including my dad) we got a thick ear ( including my dad) from my mum. Your hubby sounds a lazy so and so.

Jodes said...

men suck

AndyT13 said...

Hey now! We're not all lazy no 'count SOBs. Only most of us. But I digress. How about printing out this post and giving it to him?
Then you can say "Here's fair warning. Do what you will with the information but life between the sheets will be a lot nicer (and un-smothery) if you step up and do the right thing." BTW it's not too far fetched to insist on his AND the kids' participation. Plenty of time for them to blow you off after graduation. Or the divorce.
A man who ignores such a clear and present warning does so at his own peril. Telling him to do what he wants instead of asking him to do what you want is counter productive. Eh, what do I know. I just don't want to see a brother get smothered is all. Good luck at the Hospital! Love ya!

rose_michelle said...

Very good. You should stand up for yourself. After six years with my husband there is only one theng that I found that makes him appreciate the work I do ... send him to Afghanistan for 6-12 months. This usually garners a few, "Honey, let me help you with the dishes," or "How about you brush the puppy and I'll cook dinner on the grill." However, it last on half the length of time he was gone. Alas, sometimes I find it easier just to throw stuff at them, specifically his prized possesions (but never the dog of course!) In the end I may still have to do the cleaning, but I tend to smile when I pick up the broken glass from his awards and other kudos!

Logophile said...

Limey,
Good call on the kitchen clean up.
If he can mess it, he can clean it.
And well done on not smothering him. Prison clothes are NOT tiedyed.

barefoot_mistress said...

Oh god, Im so bad..all that talk about sheets there Andy. and you have given me a dastardly idea....
It's called a Dutch Oven.
Go ask Fortress what that is, he told me all about it!
I think Mr Lime could use a little time in the Dutch oven! LMAO OK i am so bad bad bad

lecram sinun said...

Sorry about the hiccups at home. Now your comment on my post makes even more sense.

AndyT13 said...

Oh! The Dutch Oven! Not THAT! Auuughhhh! Cruel and unusual punishment! Anyway I doubt she could hold him under the covers with her bum paw.

Sheri said...

holy moly - men can be such a-holes sometimes.

Hope your de-metaling goes well!

Laurie said...

Oy vey.. he needs a slap upside the head.

Good luck to you on Friday (((hug)))

Rob said...

Gee Michelle, I wondered whatever became of my "ex". I see she had a sex change and married you! The ONLY "family" activites that mattered were with HER family; "my" family didn't count and she always had an excuse not to participate no matter how much advance notice she had of something coming up. I know that sort of behavior is probably more typically male (my gender embarrasses me sometimes), but it certainly can work both ways. Bad manners and lack of consideration are (in my opinion) personal traits more than male-female differentiators. That being said, I'm sorry you aren't being shown the respect that you deserve and I think you would get off with nothing more than probation if somehow Mr. Lime ended up smothered (or gassed) as a result of his bad manners -- you know, the "justifiable homicide" or "temporary insanity by reason of being married to a jerk" defenses! (OK, I'm kidding about perpetrating Mr. Lime's violent demise -- but he probably DOES deserve a good "bitch slap" and exile from the marital bedroom for a good long while to think about his chronic dick-headedness! OK, OK, no battery either -- but I'm SURE you have "your ways" of letting him know that you're onto him and he can't pretend not to be a "ucktardfay" after this!)

Now, as for the kids, I would probably NOT give them the choice of opting out of the family activities. They're kids and their "rights" are limited -- and it's never too soon to learn that sometimes you just do things that might not seem all that interesting and fun ahead of time simply because it's "the right thing to do". Besides, more often than not, they'll end up having a good time anyway.

IN ANY CASE, I'm sorry Mr. Lime "doesn't get it" -- and it will now serve him right if he "doesn't get it" for a VERY long time! I hope that arm recovers quickly from the surgery to remove the hardware. You may need BOTH arms to hold that pillow over his face once he really starts struggling! (I didn't just say that! That's my story and I'm sticking to it!)

Margie Blystone said...

... Or whack off his member!!!

Rob said...

YIKES, Margie! The poor guy would be better off smothered to death! I guess those anger management sessions didn't work... ;-)

AlRo said...

Yikes!! *RUNS*

Good luck with your arm!!

Fred said...

Remind me not to get on your bad side.

tl said...

All the best with your arm. Human or cyborg? I guess human wins.

:)

Breazy said...

What does it mean when a man is in your bed , gasping for breath and calling your name?
You did not hold the pillow down long enough ! LOL!

Excuse me for saying so but men are such bitches sometimes !

I hope the hardware removal goes well ! My prayers are with you and once again thank you so much for the card reguarding the loss of my aunt . :)

HUGS!

Tommy said...

I'm so sorry abou the problems hun. We can be asshats sometimes. Glad to hear about the hardware though. You know where I am if you need me. Take care babe and forget about the Dixie Chicks tune "Goodbye Earl," or take it out and give it a couple of spins. LOL Love you babe.
TG

BTExpress said...

I say smother them all, so you ................... Naw, you'll wind up in prison for the rest of your life.
I know! Find someone that appreciates you and move on. Sounds like they deserve each other.

Lacquer, Semi-Gloss Lacquer said...

...ya know how there are those writings that you can read, and think, yep, I can make a funny and yuk this up, and avoid what is plainly written?
--Or I can say nothing and just pray real hard about what's there in like, um, black and white... yeah, this is one of them. (I am glad that you got a ride home from the surgery, even same day stuff, when going under general, leaves you stoned and not good for driving.)

steve said...

I admit sometimes I kinda like wahing dishes by hand. I love the water feels on my hands......weird I know:-}

barefoot_mistress said...

Its Tuesday morning, is he still alive? LOL

Lime, I think the Dixie chicks song about Earl, as Tommy mentioned is worth a listen! LOL
Funny, men always have the best ideas for their own demise!

MyUtopia said...

Men! I would have the same concerns : )

AndyT13 said...

Good gracious! Lots of angry posts on this one! Boys beware! Lime already said this was no help in her case but it's worth noting that studies have shown that men who help with the housework and family chores get more sex. So pick up your dish towels men!

Word ver: laxye
Ye lax bastards!
Or
relaxify your bad sef...yes sef

Charles said...

I'm on your side on this one... absolutely. And I'd have come to bust you out of prison if the jury came back with the wrong verdict. But alas, mature woman prevailed and said potential victim is still alive!

Brian said...

I'm glad he's still alive but I can certainly sense and sympathize with your frustration.