Monday, September 18, 2006

I'd tell you but then I'd have to kill you...

Susie has challenged me to divulge 8 secrets. She posted about all sorts of naughtiness in her younger days and seems to think her challenge will cause me to do the same. Hhhhmm, we shall see...secrets, secrets, whose got a secret...

1. I created Colonel Sanders' secret recipe. I even invented one of the 11 herbs and spices. Sshhh, don't tell anyone...it's floor sweepings.

2. I also hold the formula to Coca-Cola. I am NOT taking responsibility for the New Coke fiasco. Incompetent underlings...

3. I helped perform the autopsy on the Area 51 aliens. We preserved DNA samples which have been used in cloning experiments. I'm really not at liberty to divulge much more but you should carefully watch Pat Robertson, Al Gore, William Hung, and Paris Hilton...some of our experiments went horribly awry.

4. Jimmy Hoffa is not swimming with the fishes in the East River, nor is he in the Giants endzone. He's working as a clerk at the convenience market where Elvis shops.

5. Former Australian PM Harold Holt, who mysteriously disappeared during an ocean dip in 1967, occasionally pops into the same market.

6. Victoria's Secret is that she used to be a man. She confided in me but I'm angry at her because she never carries my size bra in stock. So there!

7. I am letting David Copperfield think he has found the Fountain of Youth in the Bahamas just so he doesn't bother me when I go back to Trinidad.

Ok, I know that while Susie is giggling right now she is also annoyed that I haven't actually dished any dirt on myself so...

8. My prom date really was 30 years old. I was 17.

28 comments:

steve said...

Great list Lime!!

I LOVE the last answer!! Way to go!

M said...

Scandalous! Going to prom with a MUCH older man. And you have an unusual bra size!

tl said...

Oh shock horror!!!

Jodes said...

very funny, #8.....Really??? somehow i think that one is true.

barefoot_mistress said...

LMAO...

Ok, I just knew you wuz involved wit dose seedy charactahs! It all figures in now:
Tthe close proximity to Joisey and Da Burroughs, da dark hair, olive skin, shifty eyebrow....I knew you wuz with da family.....
And, I knew you wuz dis important to da mob and all da goings on.....I jus knew it.
Scuse me, I gotta go see if there's a horse head in my bed!

I jus' gotsta say one more ting, an im outa here.
If you are like dis as an adult, your childhood musta been mighty terrible, you heathen you!
Too much powah in da wrong hands, I tell ya!

LMAO You slay me Lime!

lecram sinun said...

On number 4... I heard that Elvis and Bruce Lee loved convenience markets so much they went into a partnership buying one in Canada and Marilyn Monroe works the swing shift there every other Tuesday.

Heather said...

Funnies that I needed this horrid Monday morning. And 30 yrs old? Wow - my dad would have never let that happen ;-).

Logophile said...

You are so baaaaaaaad!
I did my secrets today too, but yours are so much more impressive.
Golly, I wonder if I should admit to knowing you.

barefoot_mistress said...

OOhhh I didnt even see the older man crime! You trollop!

Flat Coke and Flies said...

Hilarious post!!! I changed my settings...you can come back now.

Seamus said...

So...one of the secret herbs and spices is hemp, mon?

snavy said...

LOL!! Those were great.

I'm pissed at Victoria as well ...I have the same problem.

lime said...

steve, glad you enjoyed. and lol, would you say that if it were your daughter?lol

m, yeah, i created quite a stir at the prom. and shhh, don't tell 36DD or 36 F depending on my weight fluctuations.

tl, see? anna kournikova may not be such a stretch afterall.

jodes, #8 is the only true one.

susie, i'm a fine upstanding citizen. now shaddup before i whack ya. oh yeah and...takes one to know one:P

lecram, i heard the canadian venture was a tim hortons. am i confused?

heather, glad i could give you a lift. you have to know my dad is alli will say......

logo, one the day i was born.....the nurses all gathered round.....


flat coke, thanks :)

seamus, LOL! that's enough chicken for you

lime said...

snavy, thanks. yeah, she's such a pissy bitch

Cosima said...

Sooooo funny! I always knew there had to be something wrong with victoria.

Rob said...

Yeah right! You went to the Prom with a 30 year-old MAN and you were a sprite of 17?! Now, just what in the world would a 30 y/o want with a naive little 17 y/o girl? Huh??? I mean, what would two people so far apart in age ever have in com... OHHHHHHH!!!!!! THAT!!!!! Oops! Never mind! (I do hope he got his money's worth -- I mean these things add up! There's 40 bucks for the Prom tickets and then there's the limo and a corsage and dinner before the Prom and the after-Prom party and breakfast after the after-Prom party and... a ROOM???? Oh, I DON'T want to even know if there was a ROOM involved! I mean, there's your whole "Good Girl" reputation at stake here and you have daughters and what if THEY found out and... I'm SO conflicted, Limey!) ;-)
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(But, I'd give about a week's pay to hear ALL the juicy details!!!) Hehehehehe...

Flat Coke and Flies said...

You probably have no clue what I was talking about when I said I changed my settings. I had someone tell me they could not post to my blog and I mistakingly thought it was you. Oops!!! You're welcome to visit anytime though!

barefoot_mistress said...

OK I swear it, I aint wit da mob....
But I say we off dis Vicki broad and go over and see my pal Frederick....he's got da D's and da DD's baby......in lotsa swell colors too!

Ting is about Vickis, is, if your a broad ovah 30, they take one look atcha and figure yas got da brassiere ting worked out, ya know what Im sayin?
Den dey jus' letcha alone ta suffer with the C's.....nope..not good enough and NOT BIG ENOUGH EITHER! LOL

lime said...

cosima, glad to hear you agree with me on this point.

rob, what exactly is your weekly salary? i will accept a certified check.

flat coke, i was a bit confused but that's also a fairly normal state for me. likewise you are always welcome.

susie, i'm calling guido right now, takin' a contract out on vicki, da uppity bitch needs to be taught a lesson.

James Goodman said...

lol, that was a great list. :D

Nancy Drew said...

FABULOUS list, Limey!!!! Was Michael Jackson part of that Area 51 gang too (#3)?

What a HOOT!!!

YahooOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

OMG, we have even more in common.

cuz

lime said...

james, thank you :D

nancy, he's what we were seeking an antidote for....

cuz, the 30 yr old prom date, the hatred of VS, or the alien experiments???

ttfootball said...

Lime u freakin CRACK ME UP

ZigZagMan said...

Ya had me till the jimmy hoffa elvis tie in.............:)

Lacquer, Semi-Gloss Lacquer said...

Numba 8.
...two words:

pennsylvania

lime said...

tt, thanks!

zigzag, i also have some swampland in FL for sale, oh, and a bridge...

lacquer, that's only one word, dear;)

Moosekahl said...

I knew it! Who else but a former man could come up with some of the contraptions they sell at VS!