Since I have done the '5/6 weird things about me' meme FOUR TIMES I have had to come up with a lot of weirdness. I did notice during the review of past weirdnesses that I have a lot of food related weirdness going on. I also noticed that many other people seemed to respond strongly to the food items as well, or at the very least find them the most amusing. Then, my pal, Mark, decided to create his own Christmas meme. Then I was joking with James about some of our various food oddities and quipped I might make an original food meme. He actually encourgaed this madness rather than poopooing it immediately. Now I am uninspired in all other manners so you are getting...fanfare please...
THE FABULOUSLY WEIRD AND ENTIRELY ORIGINAL FOOD MEME BY LIME. Tada!!!
I have zero idea how to track these things other than to ask you to let me know if you choose to engage in this particular brand of meme insanity and ask others to do the same at your place should you choose to accept this mission. Now, on to the fabulously weird entirely yadayadayada....
1. Canned peas: tasty and economical preserved veggie or olive drab pellets of vileness?
Put me down for chalky, putrid green gunk resembling festering rabbit droppings. Fresh peas, on the other hand, are quite a treat.
2. Mayonnaise: delectable artery-clogging condiment or revolting mass of congealed gunk of unknown origin?
My own theory is that it is comprised of snail trails and snot... eggs indeed...hah!
3. Sauerkraut: great topping for a hot dog or vomit-inducing social repellent?
Do you know how this stuff is made? They shred a head of cabbage, put it in a crock and let it rot. Then they scrape off the top layer of mold before they scoop some out to eat. And I haven't even discussed the stench...Pass me the barf bucket!
4. Head cheese: tasty deli meat or the remnants from a bad sinus infection?
"Alex, I'll take 'Truth in Advertising' for $400."
5. Explain your theory on who would actually eat pickle and pimento loaf.
Very hungry people who have no functioning taste buds.
6. What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
If it's a mint ice cream one with the dark chocolate coating I'd jaywalk at the very least.
7. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Listen I know the owl goes, 'Slurp, slurp, slurp, crunch.' People, it should have been suck and crunch. Who licks a teeny little tootsie pop, you suck them. Besides, I don't think owls produce enough saliva to be able to lick properly. Not to mention, I've dissected owl pellets (that's not poo, it's the stuff they cough up that they can't digest) and I never saw a trace of any tootsie pops...And how Kojack made his last forever I certainly don't know.
8. While we are on the subject, how do you eat your cream cone?
Long licks all the way around the base working up to the tip then gently suck the end into my mouth and swallow. Lick up any dribbles left over.
9. What kind of ice cream cone is best?
Standard airy waffle cone for soft serve ice cream. Nice sturdy sugar cone for the hand dipped stuff.
10. Organ meats?
I like my liver secreting, my kidneys excreting, and brains are NOT for eating. I will not eat them from a pig. I will not eat them from a cow. I will not eat them anyhow.
11. Why would anyone contaminate perfectly divine chocolate with shredded coconut?
Because they are either sick in the head or trying to punish me.
12. Then what should I do with this lovely bunch of coconuts?
Make some delicious Trinidadian Coconut Bake or make some killer spicy Thai food.
13. Give me your thoughts on brussels sprouts.
All the ghastly power of a head of cabbage concentrated in horse pill form.
14. And artichokes?
I have absolutely no idea whatsoever how to handle an artichoke. They look like some alien life form, but they do make tasty dip. Gees, maybe they ARE an alien life form and I am dipping my cracker in alien liver pate or something.....
15. Invertebrates as a food source?
Ok, I know if I haven't cause at least mild consternation by now this is where I will have people ranting at me but......... NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! If it doesn't have a backbone I have a hard time even thinking about eating it....except for crab legs in which case I will run down your grandmother as she hobbles across the street on a walker in order to get my fair share. I've eaten lobster and shrimp just to be polite but clams, scallops, mussels, snails, and dear god *shudder* oysters....there ain't no friggin way. I cannot even be in the same room when Mr. Lime and my son eat raw oysters. I'm gagging right now. I swear I didn't do it, but I fell over laughing when he found someone had painted his oyster knife blade entirely in purple nail polish. Tommy, in case you're wondering, I'd be willing to try crawdads...they sorta look crabbish enough to consider.
16. Describe a properly cooked and adorned hot dog.
Ok, I had some serious hot dog related weirdness as a child in that my parents tolerated me eating them every night for a year when I was a preschooler. Now that I am grown I am sort of hot-dogged out BUT when I do have one I like it grilled until the skin is black then on the bun with ketchup and diced onions. Cheese is ok too. Boiled hotdogs are gross and if you really want to disturb me you know how I feel about sauekraut...
17. How did Wonder Bread get that name?
Because I wonder how they can even consider it bread. Gimme some nice hearty 100% whole wheat bread or some multigrain stuff that has actual flavor and nutritional value.
18. What possessed anyone to look at the droppings of a palm civet and think they should search through it for coffee beans to roast so they could market it as the highest priced coffee in the world?
Someone was so addicted to coffee they'd inject it directly into their veins but was nonetheless a marketing genius! I am so glad I have never acquired that addiction but wish I had the busisness savvy.....hhmmm, I think I will go looking at lemur droppings for cacao beans to process into obscenely expensive chocolate.......
19. Twinkies: irresistible junk food or indestructible weapon?
I read about some biology teacher who kept an unwrapped one on his chalkboard tray for 30 years. It never got moldy. The ants never went after it. It just petrified. I think that says it all...
20. What is the best use for olives?
Pressing them to make oil or else sticking them on the ends of your fingers to use as puppets.
21. Normal watermelon or seedless?
Normal, of course! How else can I win the seed spitting contest???
22. Have you ever had caviar?
No, but I'd try it although I wonder what made someone say, 'Gee, I think I'd like to put whatever that fish just shot out its rear on a cracker.'
23. Tell me about a flavor experiment that went horribly awry.
Mr. Lime tells the story of being about 10 and wanting to taste what amounted to a cannoli made of baloney and whipped cream. Last month Isaac decided he wanted to duplicate the experiment with sliced ham.
24. File this under 'why bother?'
When Isaac was a toddler/preschooler he would refuse to eat dinner at the table. He'd push the food around his plate and pretend to eat it. The second he got down from the table he'd scavenge UNDER the table for anything his sisters had dropped on the floor. If perchance he found some fossilized Cheerio cemented to the floor by stale milk from breakfast that I had somehow missed cleaning up, he would chip it off the floor and eat that too. I was quite tempted to forego plates and utensils for him, keep one spot on the floor clean enough for surgery, and smear his dinner across it each night before the rest of us sat down to eat like civilized humans.
25. What is one dish you tasted because it looked irresistibly delicious but it turned out to be really revolting?
That would have to be chocolate spaghetti. It was at a potluck dinner and it looked chocolate and smelled of chocolate. Hey, I like pasta, I LIVE for chocolate...let's give it a whirl...I don't know what else was in it but it was really quite vile. It was two great tastes that did NOT taste great together.
Well, folks, there you have it...the first original food meme by yours truly. I could be obnoxious and tag every single one of you since no one else has EVER done this meme before but I'll just toss it out into the blogosphere and see where whimsy takes it. Just let me know if you did it....and ONE MORE THING....if you do it, add a question to it and let me see your perspective on something else.