Friday, April 13, 2007

Da Count-Second Chances

This may ramble a bit.

I was all set to use today's count to give thanks for how far I've come since last April 15. And truly, I am very grateful for that. In some ways I think I have exceeded the expectation of the doctor (actually functionality), in other ways I have not come as far as they hoped (pain level). Regardless, I am still very thankful that if anyone was going to get hurt, it was me, not one of my kids (no mother wants to see her children injured so badly) or Mr. Lime (we'd have been screwed if he'd missed so much work). That I wasn't paralyzed, killed, or left a vegetable (given I landed inches away from a boulder that would have dashed my brains or broken a back or neck quite effectively) is a major thing to count.

My family and friends and so many of you provided support in so many ways. I had amazing therapists who made hard and painful work as pleasant as it could be and always greeted me with a smile. As a result, most of the modifications I still make to do what needs doing are pretty small, or at least natural to me now. Janita (for the newcomers here, that's the name for my left arm/wrist/hand) is here to stay but she and I are working together cooperatively most of the time.

Last week though, I sat here staring at my guitar and boohooing a continuing inability to play it. I spoke with Andy about it and I have to give him a big thanks for some really practical suggestions and a boatload of concrete steps that will hopefully get me back into it. I need to thank him for a ray of hope shed on a longtime dream that I thought might need to be buried. Really....thank you, Andy. Another thing to add to the count.

So then this week I was a completely miserable human being. I was angry, frustrated, prone to outbursts with little provocation. Why? I made it through Easter without any broken bones. I saw my family and had a terrific time. This Sunday will be the official one year mark and I've already listed all the other things I am counting. Life is groovy. Well, Monday I completely messed up my back. I spent most of the week flattened, intimate with an icepack, unable to do much of anything, including sleeping.

I can honestly say that during the last year with Janita, although the initial accident and immediate aftermath was the most painful thing I've ever felt in my life (and that includes a c-sec with failed anesthesia) bar none and required a very long rehabilitation. I can count on one hand the hours I spent feeling really down about it. My back is a different story. I screw that up and I go immediately into misery. I herniated a disk 3 years ago and they threatened me with scalpels and such. It's been 14 months since I had such a bad flare-up as this one. That's actually a record length of time so I need to count that I didn't have to contend with it during the time I needed to really focus on Janita.

Nonetheless, I've been a real nasty person to live with this week. It bothers me that I've been this way. I hate that my gut reaction in this situation (not normally in others) is worry (oh hell, are they gonna decide THIS is the time to carve into me?), that I snap at everyone around me, and that I wind up laying around feeling useless and wondering how long I will be incapacitated. Last night I had an epic wig out on the girls that I am certainly not proud of at all. They forgave me and we wound up having a pleasant evening in the end. So I'd better count forgiveness too this week.

UPDATE: I thanked Andy for the guitar advice but I forgot to specifically thank Logo and G-Man for the time they spent listening to me whine about my back and the laughs they provided this week. Thanks. MWAH!


RennyBA said...

So you've had what you call a crappy week uhhh. Well then the next one can only be better and in the mean time I wish you a lovely weekend:-)

Logophile said...

Forgiveness is priceless, definitely worth counting.
And friends, always

Anonymous said...

thank you lime for being open and sharing your emotions with us.
I've told you before and I'll say it again, after what you've gone through and it's continuing affect on your life I'm amazed at your positive thinking and the ability to maintain a sense of humor.

It's difficult to maintain that frame of mind when frustration and continuous pain is always there to remind us of our limitations.

I don't know what Andy told you but there is musical software out there which allows you to input notes of instrumental sounds into a song format.

I wish you healing and peace.

Ameratis said...

I think everyone has tendencies to be abit on the cranky side when not feeling well. I know that when I am not feeling well it is best for me to be antisocial by choice so that I am not minus a few friends at the end of the illness.

The back affects the entire body so of course it will make you even more cranky. At least you and your girls made up and didn't go to bed angry.

I will be praying for you, your back, and Janita. :)

steve said...

Hey we all have a bad week from time to time and most of us feel like crap afterwards. They still love you and that is what counts most.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend!

Moosekahl said...

Forgiveness is one of THE hardest things to do so be thankful as you are for such wonderful kids too. Too bad on the back though, take it easy on yourself though.

Moosekahl said...

Okay...just because I'm bored at work I went back and read that post about the "Gory Details". It brought tears to my eyes...your kids are amazing. Three little hand squeezes to you to hang in there with your back. Love ya!

KFarmer said...

I suggest humbly that you read The Bad Back Book- the exercises worked miracles on my herniation and no scapel touched my back.

I just recently started going to a back cracker and he's helped some too. There is nothing worse to me then to lay in bed feeling helpless- I bite off heads too and its nice that my family and friends forgive and forget- Good counts. Hope you feel better soon :)

S said...

The lamest thing about getting old is that our bodies keep reminding us that we are indeed, getting old.

Hope your back feels better soon, Lime!

MyUtopia said...

You have come a long way and managed to take it like a trooper. I am glad that your are doing well and the the injury wasn't worse.

jillie said... have really been through a lot girl! I went back and read your story about your accident. You are SO lucky and fortunate to have such a great family. It's amazing how they can all come together and be strong when you really need them most. I think, by the little bit that I know of you, you have taught them well and they love you dearly. We all have our short comings and as long as we can get over them, we can learn from them. I admire your courage and your determination to keep moving forward.

Sending healing energies your way!

Bummer about your tye dye...UGH!

Anonymous said...

I did not know about all of this, of course, but am very glad for you -- that you have come out of this with your body pretty well intact, your sense of humor and a good dose of added wisdom.

And I am glad that your blog friends were able to help as well. This blogworld is a funny place.

lecram sinun said...

I hear you. It's when life is at it's most challenging that we need to count. A very good one, Lime. :)

barman said...

Wow, I just read up on Janita. Thank you for the link by the way.

My BIL ended up walking off bleachers and falling flat on his back probably 6 to 8 feet up. This happened on Valentines Day of last year. Amazingly he did very well, even better then you have so far but the one thing that you have in common, this could have been so much worse. You could have died or been paralyzed. Over all though, wow. I personally think there were at least 2 miracles that occurred last year.

I am so glad you can count your blessings and that you are doing so. It is so much better then being upset at everything.

I hope your week has gotten better and wish you well on your continued recovery. And for heaven sakes, don't ever give up doing new and exciting things… just be careful.

snavy said...

I think it's time for that long awaited visit to the chocolate spa.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

You've had a run of bad luck, BUT, you also have a wonderful sense of humor, love, and laughter.

You didn't count your beautiful hair in your list, nor the 600 and 800 thread count sheets. Just sayin'.

TorAa said...

Look forward. I know what you are talking about when you feel like you describe. I've just had my first real back trouble for several years, ++ other new pains, , but I'm alive and just now I'm at the French Riviera visiting and old (76) friend. But, as you know, that is also a story.

hugs from the young guys here

G-Man said...

Listening to you Michelle is a joy, never a chore.
G-Man Loves to Lime!!

Cosima said...

I have those days as well... nothing to be proud of, but it's part of being human. So good to hear that you all had a nice evening in the end. Hope that your back pain will go away soon!

m said...

I hope you continue to heal and come out better physically than ever before!

You do usually have a positive attitude on your blog and I appreciate that. So if you need to grouse about for a week, understandable! Completely understandable.

Diesel said...

I'm miserable when I mess up my back, even for a few days. It just makes so many little things about life so difficult, if not impossible.

Not being familiar with the story of your injury, is there a post you can direct me to?

ComfyRest said...

Best of luck with the pain. I have had herniated neck disk pain: NO FUN. Muscle relaxers didn't work. I always suggest that if it gets to the point where surgery is a serious option please consider acupuncture along with physical therapy first. It may sound silly at first but I speak from experience. It helped my herniated neck disk. At the risk of sounding like a spammer also consider a pillow I invented that alleviates my disk problem when the pain reappears. The SquidFace & ComfyRest pillows. Lying on my back or facedown it corrects the herniation and alleviates the pain. It helps people with back pain also. It is strange but it works wonders. Good luck, Bob

DaMasta said...

adam said the most wonderful thing to me this week, he said, the one thing we have to remember about frustration is that it's temporary. today we might be angry or frustrated with the day and we might fight or have a tiff about something stoopid, but we have to remember that it's temporary and that tomorrow will be better.

this was the greatest thing he could have said to me b/c i have been rather stressed out lately b/c of the move and such (and it's still not over)

but tomorrow will be better!

hope yours is too.


jules said...

Everyone is entitled to wig out... the good thing is that you acknowledge your wigging. My glass is raised for your strength during the past year.

Brian said...

Has it really been a year? Wow.

Spider63 said...

Hope goes hand in hand with struggles. Good luck and continued success.

Boysenberry said...

You're having a bugger of a time with it. Here's hoping that your arm and back continue to get better. :)

LisaPizza said...

Well, I've just completed the whirl-wind tour of your last year and I'm exhausted! You've coma long way baby. It must suck to be in pain and immobilized at the same. When taking a deep breath can send you reeling. If you want to feel better about your current predicament, listen to THIS story. Imagine 5 weeks in the hospital - the first 4 in ICU. Seven surgeries including two for skin grafts. And now here's the sincher ~ no insurance!
The sites not complete, but you're welcome to a preview. Soon it will have the whole story complete with gorey photo's. You both make me grateful for my healthy body. Ciao Bella

Jocelyn said...

I have had a few lessons in how mentally-dehabilitating chronic pain is; it's a personality changer, for sure. That you're finding yourself okay even some of the time is a blessing. Take it hour by hour, and try not to bite off too many heads, eh?

Being a relative newcomer to your blog, it was good to go back and see what you've been through this year. Oh, honey.

tl said...

For back pain, you don't need an icepack.
A bottle of rum fixes it for a day or so, by then you have frogotten about it, or you just need more rum. lol.


Bridget Jones said...

We love you no matter what, Limey. Back pain is the worst ever.

Tl and the others are right, how about a drink and chocolate, or a chocolate drink?

You need extra lovin'!


And you HAVE come a long way in recuperating in a year.

cathy said...

Back pain is a nightmare. I have had two ops on my back so I know how awful you must feel. Feel free to add me to your list of people to whinge to.

ShyRocket said...

I think you should post that pic from long ago... I think it was an HNT... of you with your guitar. It was a terrific picture and will be a positive affirmation for you and your loving online community!

AndyT13 said...

Stop. You're making me sniffle.
Here I was posting about you and come to find you're mentioning me!
Cue twilight zone music...
Here's hoping your back is better...