Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Adventures in Orthodontia #6

Part #1: The Introduction to Doctor Excitement
Part #2: Dr. E Strikes Back
Part #3: Do These Braces Make My Gums Look Fat?
Part #4: Double Whammy
Part #5: The New Rules

It's been a very long time since I have been permitted to accompany Diana to the orthodontist on a regular basis. If you have forgotten about our orthodontist, who makes Eyeore look positively optimistic, Ben Stein seem like a wildman, and the most rabid conspiracy theorist look apathetic about world politics and government intrusion or if you have never read an Adventures in Orthodontia post before please take a minute to briefly familiarize yourself. I promise it will be more entertaining that the Reader's Digest from 2001 in the waiting room. It's certainly better than the Highlights magazine with a wad of gum between the hidden pictures pages and the Timbertoes cartoons. We'll wait for you. Go on, just the first one at least and the last one so you know why I was banned from appointments. They're short.

All done? Good. We had another appointment this week. It seems a bracket came loose and needed to be fixed. Dr. E. gave a defeated wave to follow him to the torture chamber or Comedy Central stage. Diana eyed me sternly as if to indicate I'd better keep my trap shut as she opened hers wide. Well, you just KNOW that wasn't going to happen. I mean I have readers to entertain!

Dr. E. glumly snapped his gloves on and sighed heavily exhaling a cloud of doom over my perturbed daughter who tried to indicate where the broken bracket was. She protested he was in the wrong spot at which point Dr. E turned to me and rolled his eyes slowly and with more animation than I've seen in 2 years. He then began muttering over her and I thought I heard the word Christmas. Ah yes, my big chance for small talk!

So did you have a nice holiday?

(as flat as his hair) Yeah, it was magical, not like when I was a kid. I wish my parents had told me how bad people are instead of filling my head with nonsense about their 'goodness.' (making big eyes and air quotes then sighing heavily after the exertion of so much expression). The world is just full of bad people. People want to steal all the decorations in my office.

(Considering the spindly poinsettias with no foliage on one side because they are all craning toward the window for light, or perhaps escape from the pit of despair) Well, I am sorry to hear that. Yes, there are some bad folks out there, hopefully we can find more good ones than bad ones. I hope 2008 is better for you.

(Inserting a suction tube into the side of Diana's mouth as she eyes me threateningly) So how about that new superintendent of your school? He's a good man. I give him an A+ for integrity.

(Nearly shocked into silence by the positive comment) I don't know much about him, but that's good to hear.

Yeah, he's not like the guy a few towns over. (slumping again and sighing) Then there is the principal in the next county over. Did you see about him? Having an affair with his secretary. Word gets out and (making a gun with his hand, inserting it into his mouth, and whipping his head back before rolling his eyes like he died). Nice huh? Leader of our youth, right into the pits of hell he's leading them.....sigh.

(Wondering if all this relatively animated gesturing of his is part of a New Year's resolution to start a cardio workout) That's quite awful. His family must be devastated.

(Looking outside at the unseasonably sunny and warm day as he dismisses Diana from the chair) I wish it would snow. I don't want to see the sun.

(Rising to leave) Well, it is odd weather for this time of year, that's for sure.

(Sighing heavily) That's because the North Koreans are controlling our weather.

(On the way out Diana shoots me a look of disdain as she mutters adolescent curses on the orthodontist and me. I clap a hand over my mouth to keep from erupting into a fit of giggles.)

There you have it folks, blame North Korea! Tune in next time for another lap in the whirling cesspool of doom and despair. Will North Korea kick global warming into high gear? Will the poinsettias escape? Will Doctor E ever smile as he straightens the smiles of angry teens all across the county? Only the orthodontist knows!


SignGurl said...

That's it! I'm totally blaming this wacko weather on North Korea. Thanks for letting me know who was at fault.

Diana's ortho sounds just like the one I had. I hope he doesn't overcharge your insurance like mine did.

G-Man said...

I wonder if he's Jewish?
Jewish Dentists are supposed to be the best.
But he's not very funny.
You on the other hand, are hilarious...

Bunny said...

This ortho sounds like one I had (signgurl and I are both from MI - maybe we had the same guy?) But mine had really, really hairy hands and I got my braces before rubber gloves were all the rage with health care workers. I had nightmarish visions of his hand hair getting tangled in my braces.

I'm glad I know who to blame for this balmy weather (60 degrees in January in Michigan??). Damn Kim Jong Il

furiousBall said...

this makes sense, i say we wrap him in one of those hot water heater blankets.

Casdok said...

Have made mental not to self - weather/North Korea!

ALRO said...

haha... I work for a South Korean Company.. does that mean i'm working for "The Man"?

Funny.. Ottawa just passed a bylaw that says it's illegal to idle your car - imagine that... ?!

kate said...

At least this guy talks. My son's orthodonist gives this fake smiles and doesn't respond to any questions. But whoa, it's hard to shut him up about what he's doing to my son's teethc. It is too weird ... but that was nothing like watching him reorganise the chairs in the sitting area and organising magazines wit military precision.

My son won't let me go in anymore ... no wonder.

barman said...

Wow that is all a little to freaky. Better make sure not to give Mr Excitement something to talk about you to others about. Hard to say what he might say. I am surprised Diana does not find a way to go all by herself to the appointment.

Gee, North Korea, huh? After all this time Al Gore, President Bush and everone else have been so very wrong. I am shocked, shocked I tell you... SHOCKED.

BTExpress said...

Don't be too hard on the guys mood. It just can't be all that much fun digging around in children's mouths.

But that North Korea comment cracked me up. WTF? LMAO!!!!

BTExpress said...

Oh yea, my parsley hasn't sprouted yet either.

jillie said...

This looks TOO good to pass up. I'm going to have to come back this wknd and catch up ;o)

Jeni said...

North Korea, huh? WOW! And all this time I've still been believing my Mom and her idea that all this came from putting a man on the moon. How little we do know.

TorAa said...

Oh dear you, what do you expect a Viking's coment would goes like?

Bring you to Key West, Snowy Mountains or ?

a place to read poems, even write

Seriously, you have more aspects of life than anyone else I'vce met on the net.

btw. How can I tell, all my grandmas brothers emigrated - I was born next to the mosy unique museums in the Nordic, so I heard all languagees before beginning at school.

Love your blog and attitude to life

TorAa said...

This is my favourite way of describing bushmens lack of knowledge. They hardly understand whats going on in the room they at the present happens to be in. The room next door? "Can't be otherwise but what i see from my chair".
Except of course, real bushmen do have respect for the nature and live sustainable with it as is.

Your story is brilliant. A clear winner. Like my Dentist when forcing me to agree upon "Ford Corvette" and "Chevy Mustang" - but he had a Fidel friend. Ring of Sharks around the Florida Keys

Cooper said...

North Korea? Hmmm...Guess I'll have to stop spreading that rumor about the Austrailians....

Ameratis said...

ok the breathing treatment I had earlier at the doctor is no longer any good because I laughed so hard I am coughing and wheezing.

Wow it never fails for you to have a good story when going to Dr. Doom's place.

Thanks for sharing!!