Part #1: The Introduction to Doctor Excitement
Part #2: Dr. E Strikes Back
Part #3: Do These Braces Make My Gums Look Fat?
Part #4: Double Whammy
Part #5: The New Rules
It's been a very long time since I have been permitted to accompany Diana to the orthodontist on a regular basis. If you have forgotten about our orthodontist, who makes Eyeore look positively optimistic, Ben Stein seem like a wildman, and the most rabid conspiracy theorist look apathetic about world politics and government intrusion or if you have never read an Adventures in Orthodontia post before please take a minute to briefly familiarize yourself. I promise it will be more entertaining that the Reader's Digest from 2001 in the waiting room. It's certainly better than the Highlights magazine with a wad of gum between the hidden pictures pages and the Timbertoes cartoons. We'll wait for you. Go on, just the first one at least and the last one so you know why I was banned from appointments. They're short.
All done? Good. We had another appointment this week. It seems a bracket came loose and needed to be fixed. Dr. E. gave a defeated wave to follow him to the torture chamber or Comedy Central stage. Diana eyed me sternly as if to indicate I'd better keep my trap shut as she opened hers wide. Well, you just KNOW that wasn't going to happen. I mean I have readers to entertain!
Dr. E. glumly snapped his gloves on and sighed heavily exhaling a cloud of doom over my perturbed daughter who tried to indicate where the broken bracket was. She protested he was in the wrong spot at which point Dr. E turned to me and rolled his eyes slowly and with more animation than I've seen in 2 years. He then began muttering over her and I thought I heard the word Christmas. Ah yes, my big chance for small talk!
So did you have a nice holiday?
(as flat as his hair) Yeah, it was magical, not like when I was a kid. I wish my parents had told me how bad people are instead of filling my head with nonsense about their 'goodness.' (making big eyes and air quotes then sighing heavily after the exertion of so much expression). The world is just full of bad people. People want to steal all the decorations in my office.
(Considering the spindly poinsettias with no foliage on one side because they are all craning toward the window for light, or perhaps escape from the pit of despair) Well, I am sorry to hear that. Yes, there are some bad folks out there, hopefully we can find more good ones than bad ones. I hope 2008 is better for you.
(Inserting a suction tube into the side of Diana's mouth as she eyes me threateningly) So how about that new superintendent of your school? He's a good man. I give him an A+ for integrity.
(Nearly shocked into silence by the positive comment) I don't know much about him, but that's good to hear.
Yeah, he's not like the guy a few towns over. (slumping again and sighing) Then there is the principal in the next county over. Did you see about him? Having an affair with his secretary. Word gets out and (making a gun with his hand, inserting it into his mouth, and whipping his head back before rolling his eyes like he died). Nice huh? Leader of our youth, right into the pits of hell he's leading them.....sigh.
(Wondering if all this relatively animated gesturing of his is part of a New Year's resolution to start a cardio workout) That's quite awful. His family must be devastated.
(Looking outside at the unseasonably sunny and warm day as he dismisses Diana from the chair) I wish it would snow. I don't want to see the sun.
(Rising to leave) Well, it is odd weather for this time of year, that's for sure.
(Sighing heavily) That's because the North Koreans are controlling our weather.
(On the way out Diana shoots me a look of disdain as she mutters adolescent curses on the orthodontist and me. I clap a hand over my mouth to keep from erupting into a fit of giggles.)
There you have it folks, blame North Korea! Tune in next time for another lap in the whirling cesspool of doom and despair. Will North Korea kick global warming into high gear? Will the poinsettias escape? Will Doctor E ever smile as he straightens the smiles of angry teens all across the county? Only the orthodontist knows!