Adventures in Orthodontia #6

Part #1: The Introduction to Doctor Excitement
Part #2: Dr. E Strikes Back
Part #3: Do These Braces Make My Gums Look Fat?
Part #4: Double Whammy
Part #5: The New Rules

It's been a very long time since I have been permitted to accompany Diana to the orthodontist on a regular basis. If you have forgotten about our orthodontist, who makes Eyeore look positively optimistic, Ben Stein seem like a wildman, and the most rabid conspiracy theorist look apathetic about world politics and government intrusion or if you have never read an Adventures in Orthodontia post before please take a minute to briefly familiarize yourself. I promise it will be more entertaining that the Reader's Digest from 2001 in the waiting room. It's certainly better than the Highlights magazine with a wad of gum between the hidden pictures pages and the Timbertoes cartoons. We'll wait for you. Go on, just the first one at least and the last one so you know why I was banned from appointments. They're short.

All done? Good. We had another appointment this week. It seems a bracket came loose and needed to be fixed. Dr. E. gave a defeated wave to follow him to the torture chamber or Comedy Central stage. Diana eyed me sternly as if to indicate I'd better keep my trap shut as she opened hers wide. Well, you just KNOW that wasn't going to happen. I mean I have readers to entertain!

Dr. E. glumly snapped his gloves on and sighed heavily exhaling a cloud of doom over my perturbed daughter who tried to indicate where the broken bracket was. She protested he was in the wrong spot at which point Dr. E turned to me and rolled his eyes slowly and with more animation than I've seen in 2 years. He then began muttering over her and I thought I heard the word Christmas. Ah yes, my big chance for small talk!

So did you have a nice holiday?

(as flat as his hair) Yeah, it was magical, not like when I was a kid. I wish my parents had told me how bad people are instead of filling my head with nonsense about their 'goodness.' (making big eyes and air quotes then sighing heavily after the exertion of so much expression). The world is just full of bad people. People want to steal all the decorations in my office.

(Considering the spindly poinsettias with no foliage on one side because they are all craning toward the window for light, or perhaps escape from the pit of despair) Well, I am sorry to hear that. Yes, there are some bad folks out there, hopefully we can find more good ones than bad ones. I hope 2008 is better for you.

(Inserting a suction tube into the side of Diana's mouth as she eyes me threateningly) So how about that new superintendent of your school? He's a good man. I give him an A+ for integrity.

(Nearly shocked into silence by the positive comment) I don't know much about him, but that's good to hear.

Yeah, he's not like the guy a few towns over. (slumping again and sighing) Then there is the principal in the next county over. Did you see about him? Having an affair with his secretary. Word gets out and (making a gun with his hand, inserting it into his mouth, and whipping his head back before rolling his eyes like he died). Nice huh? Leader of our youth, right into the pits of hell he's leading them.....sigh.

(Wondering if all this relatively animated gesturing of his is part of a New Year's resolution to start a cardio workout) That's quite awful. His family must be devastated.

(Looking outside at the unseasonably sunny and warm day as he dismisses Diana from the chair) I wish it would snow. I don't want to see the sun.

(Rising to leave) Well, it is odd weather for this time of year, that's for sure.

(Sighing heavily) That's because the North Koreans are controlling our weather.

(On the way out Diana shoots me a look of disdain as she mutters adolescent curses on the orthodontist and me. I clap a hand over my mouth to keep from erupting into a fit of giggles.)


There you have it folks, blame North Korea! Tune in next time for another lap in the whirling cesspool of doom and despair. Will North Korea kick global warming into high gear? Will the poinsettias escape? Will Doctor E ever smile as he straightens the smiles of angry teens all across the county? Only the orthodontist knows!

Adventures in Orthodontia

First, If you've never read the installments of this saga over at Insane Asylime, you must start at least with this post just as an introduction.

Other chapters in the epic struggle between adolescent teeth and middle-aged depression can be found here, here, and here. They are all fairly short if you are interested but daunted by the reading. Do at least read the first one up there if you are new to it then hurry back here. We'll wait....

All done? Good.

Diana had another visit to Dr. Excitement himself. Here is the conversation we had after the appointment.

Mother, you are no longer permitted to accompany me to the orthodontist. Daddy will have to take me from now on.

Why is that?

Because Dr. E. is the most depressed human being on the planet and you actually talk to him, mercifully trying to cheer him up but he is compelled to bring you down to his level. So I get to listen to him drone on about nuclear war, his back pain, and how dental tools made in China are pieces of crap while the psychological struggle between the two of you gets taken out on my mouth! Here's an extra wire for you, kid! Ratchet ratchet ratchet! Let me poke you with my inferior Chinese dental tools while I change your bands. Oh, and now you can wear the HEAVY rubber bands. He will NOT ever be happy and you will continue to talk to him and my mouth will continue to take the beating. I will only permit Daddy to take me from now on because he lets Dr. E. be as depressed as he wants to be.

Great, now what do I do for blog fodder?