Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Mothers of the Year

I considered re-running a favorite post about my family from eons ago. I started a post about the political brouhaha in Pennsylvania following Obama's comment about guns and religion and how I'll tolerate his poorly chosen words and subsequent apology better than I can stomach Hillary's pandering ads that suggest people from NE Pennsylvania aren't interested in real issues but prefer to mindlessly vote for someone who used an outhouse a couple of times in her childhood because that makes her "one of us."

Neither one of those ideas turned me on though.

Then I read Kathryn's post about how she accidentally gave her wee one a fat lip. I decided to expand on the comment I left at her place regarding one of my own mother of the year moments.

Way back when Diana was just a wee infant I was changing her diaper in the middle of the night. I was devoted to being economical and earth conscious so I used cloth diapers. I had my technique down pat. One of the tricks to getting the pin to glide through the fabric with ease, especially when you had extra layers in a diaper intended to hold during sleeping hours, was to first run it through your hair or against your scalp and give it a little coating of natural hair oil. Having lubricated the pointy little implement I dug it into the diaper with my fingers between the diaper and Diana's skin so if anyone was to be inadvertently stabbed it would be me not her.

Now on this particular night I was especially groggy and since Diana was a few months old I suppose I was on autopilot. Unfortunately autopilot malfunctioned. As I pushed the pin into the diaper I met with resistance. I began to push harder and harder. Still it seemed I could not penetrate the thick layers of two diapers that would hopefully prove absorbent enough to give me (and the baby) a little extra sleep. After some moments of fruitless though continued effort I looked at my precious child's face and noticed the contorted grimace and purple hue that let me know she was just about to let loose with one of the most blood curdling shrieks ever.

Brilliantly deducing this was a sign of extreme pain I then shuddered to imagine why she was hurting. I unwrapped her diaper quickly and there noticed that I had somehow managed to get the pin past the "protective barrier" of my own fingers and had dug a lovely hole right into her hip. Diana was now in full wail and I joined her with great sobs of repentance. The bawling was surely heard for some distance. Mr. Lime was awakened by the howling and found a hysterical wife clutching a half-naked shrieking baby to her chest and apologizing in between crying jags and declarations of motherly love.

He eventually got us both calmed down and back to bed. The next morning I was still overcome with guilt. Looking at Diana's hip every time I changed her diaper didn't help matters. At some point my grandmother called just to chitchat. I poured out my tale of maternal guilt and bewailed my unfitness as a mother. She listened to it all then offered wisdom and perspective that came from time and experience...

"Oh honey, Diana will be just fine and she certainly won't remember. Every woman I knew when I was raising my kids accidentally pinned their own baby at some point. Besides, I stuck your father in a much more sensitive area and he survived."

*Gasp*

20 comments:

G-Man said...

We too used cloth diapers for our first born..
But I never stabbed her!
Wanted to stab the Mom a few times, but never stabbed her either...
You are indeed the Mother of the Year, in spite of your past accidental piercings...
Have a great day Limey..,G
xoxox

James Goodman-Horror Writer said...

Oh, we all do things we regret at some point when our children are young. It may not seem like it at the time, but your Grandmother was right, she'll never remember. :D

airplanejayne said...

My pole-dancing sista!

I,TOO, used cloth diapers on Erynn! One time, I rushed her to the hospital because I was sure she had swallowed the diaper pin (she hadn't -- it had fallen behind the changing table) and the nurses could not believe I used "old fashioned" diapers....

oh, and btw, sorry about your mom sticking it to your dad...
:)

KFarmer said...

I did the "grimace" face with you...both times.

I tried cloth diapers w/my son, but gave up. I was scared I would poke him, I was scared it would come undone and poke him in his sleep. I was a total wreck w/worry so off they went. They worked well for dust cloths though :)

Phain said...

i once closed the car door on The Girl's hand when she was 5 or 6 years old. and I'm famous (and horribly embarrased to admit) that i have repeatedly rolled up the car windows on wee little finger tips just trying to feel a lil' breeze. (yes, i call out a warning now when i'm ready to roll!)

furiousBall said...

well good for you for using cloth diapers, that alone would have stopped me.

Suldog said...

Grimaces here, too, but I'm afraid more for the second than the first. I (at least, part of me) recoiled in horror. Ouch!

mssolitaire said...

LMAO!!!! That's a great story!!! Hahahahaha!

I'm stealing your onion thing and will be posted soon :)

VE said...

Maybe they'll develop a fear of body piercing as they get older. That might be a good thing...

david mcmahon said...

I feel your pain, her pain and yes, his pain as well!!

coopernicus said...

Hmmm...I always thought raging guilt was part of the whole parental experience....why do we have kids??????

S said...

OMG poor kid! did you have to say DUG A lovely HOLE in her???? ack ack ack too visual!

I only used disposables...no washer and dryer so that was out of the question.

Now when I make futons, I rub the gigantor 14" needle through my hair...that would slick it up enough what with leftover brain grease there was.....its a good trick, innit?
Now I thought you were gonna say you stuck your head.
:P

~Tim said...

I love posts like this that make me gasp in horror, but then leave me laughing hysterically.

barman said...

I watch my friends and see how they change. The first child you would think the child was encased in one of those sumo wrestler outfits so they can not get hurt. By the time the third or fourth one comes along it seems they let the child experience the bumps and bruises so that they will not do it again. If they do not learn then maybe next time they will.

I feel for the both of you. That had to be so terrible. Even once your kids grow up you still would love to be able to protect them. It is just a parent thing. Luckily I think the two of you turned out just fine. What a wonderful thing for the grandmother to pass along.

RennyBA said...

Those where the day - why did you have to remind me? :lol:

Bunny said...

I whopped my 3 yo daughter in the face with a frying pan a while back, so I can relate.

Your dad: Ouch!

Bunny said...

Isn't it cool how now even the cloth diapers have velcro - no pins!

Beach Bum said...

I can almost beat that. My son wasn't yet completely potty trained forcing me to go with him to the restroom while we were away from home. My seafood platter was getting cold and I was trying to hurry Darth Spoilboy up to get back by helping him get his pants back on. Long story short I somehow got his little weiner caught in the zipper. I couldn't look him in the face for days.

Theresa said...

Luckily your grandmother didn't stick your father too hard, otherwise you might not be here to tell us this tale. I caught Catgirls' fingers in a door once, so you see, this stuff happens. But you do feel terrible when it does. :)

CrazyCath said...

Aren't grandmothers great at taking the guilt away? I have numerous tales of child abuse at my inadvertent hand! I felt your pain... (yes yours - a mother's!)