Wednesday, August 06, 2008

P-U!

Have I got a new scent for those Mandles I mentioned last week!

Mr. Lime has returned from Louisiana bearing his laundry and Diana's (he drove and brought her bags so she didn't have to check them when she flew since the blood sucking airlines now charge for checking even the first bag).

Isaac also had all his camp laundry which had the distinct stench of sweaty 12 year old boy. Any of you who have lived with boys of this age KNOW what I am talking about.

May I say there is a unique and pungent bouquet to BO infused laundry which had previously been washed in what Mr. Lime and Diana describe as "slimy, egg-smelling swamp water." When said laundry has had a few days to ferment inside a suitcase it acquires great power.

When one has roughly 15 loads of sweaty 12 year old boy clothes and BO infused swamp water smelling clothes and linens it begins to permeate one's nasal passages to a great depth.

I just need a name for this new scent.

Suggestions? Anyone? No?

Ok, how about a repost of my expedition to the summit of Mount Laundry then? This is from the very early days of another blog I contributed to long ago.

Scaling Mount Laundry

6:43 am
Dawn breaks over the summit as the expedition party wakes at the base of the mountain. There is an excited sorting throughout camp. After a gathering of resources and careful inventory, one intrepid laundress and her Sherpa guide will attempt to reach the peak today. Other members of the party will remain at the base camp.

7:00am
The path for ascent has been carefully mapped. Failure to follow it exactly could result in failure to reach the summit. The climbers face a myriad of perils even under optimal conditions. Avalanche under a stench of fermented clothes is a very real possibility. Rumblings from the septic system provide an ominous reminder of past attempts that left failed climbing parties to descend in disgrace.

7:15am
Base camp is established at sheets and towels. Ascent begins. The climb is easy. There is an air of electric thrill......wait, it's just static cling.

8:15am
The laundress and the Sherpa quickly pass the first tier and easily transition from linens to denims. The terrain becomes more rugged but holds are still easy to find. A patch here or a belt loop there provide the necessary anchors.

9:24am
The first challenge comes when the climbing team must decide where to cleave the darks. During the planning and prior expeditions it was expected there would be a single tier to scale. The darks are deceptive though. From the ground the climb looks simple and clear cut. Once arriving at this level, the difficulties become more apparent. Prior attempts have been stymied by the arrogant assumption that this level could be taken quickly. The laundress and Sherpa will first ascend the greens, blacks and blues. Upon successful completion and a short break, they will carefully work over reds and tie-dyes.

11:45am
Elation washes over the 2 climbers as they fold the last tie-dye t-shirt! They press on boldly through the wilds of lights and perma-press. The air begins to clear and they take a moment to regather strength before they require bottled air at the next level.

1:00pm
The pace has slowed. The septic field belches noxious fumes. The division of darks, though necessary, taxes the leeching ability. It is a cost that had to be paid. The septic fumes along with the thin air at the new level require the climbers to begin using bottled air. Here at whites, where sweat socks and underwear abound, the oxygen is as thin as the filth is thick. Climbers who have failed to use air masks have often been overcome. Delirium and even death have hampered the successful ascent of other explorers. Our climbers shall not be so unwise.

2:30pm
The final sock is matched. The summit is in view! Two small sections of delicates remain. At this altitude extreme care is necessary. A misstep could unravel the expedition like a cashmere sweater or a stocking with a snag.

3:35pm
The laundress and her fearless Sherpa guide stand atop the summit. They hoist a flag of bras, staking it firmly to dry in the fresh air that swirls around them. A sense of exhilaration and victory brings tears to their eyes as they survey the neatly folded piles of clean clothes. Not one sock has been lost, no stain remains.

4:00pm
Descent is rapid. Contact with base camp is re-established. Stacks of fresh clothes are distributed to team members. One voice from among the throng is raised and reaches the ears of the laundress.........."You didn't wash my favorite shirt!"

22 comments:

Craver Vii said...

Yahtzee!!!

"the oxygen is as thin as the filth is thick" That is EXCELLENT!!!!

Hey, for the name of that scent, how about pub-essence?

Maddy said...

Can't think of a witty description but I can relate, and how, and everything else to boot.
Best wishes

EmBee said...

For your husband and daughters laundry I might recommend 'Eau de post-holocaust Orleans'... Sorry but I can't come up with anything better for the camp clothes than 'Craver's' suggestion... That's just classically perfect!

TorAa said...

When washing smelly clothes, the first remedy on hand should be an oldfashioned Noseclip. (They knew what was important in the old days).
May I see a photo of you washing with a Noseclip? Wood is most convenient- Oak - Plastic is abondant) That would be funny, and at the same time you'll avoid PTBS. OK?

P= Pre
T= Teenager
B= Boy
S= Smell

PS. The funny thing about washing dirty clothes and linen: You can write endless and witty stories about it. Like you do.

furiousBall said...

burn them

barman said...

Is it to lake to take them to the local laudramat? Don't want to mess up your machines.

I am not feeling creative today so how about ... ode da teen for the sent. Then again you are competing with sents like wet dog so anything will be an improvement.

If we do not here from you again before the end of the day we are sending in the police. Good luch with mount laundry.

Sheri said...

The frangrance is called B-O-tiful...prounounced Bee-Oh-Too-full.

I loved your laundry mountain climbing expedition!

SignGurl said...

I do not envy the task that lies ahead for you.

G-Man said...

I use about a 1/2 cup of Pinesol in every load. It's better'n' sweat!
Have fun....G xoxox

Missy said...

Lime baking soda is good for those odors as well as Odo Ban, you can find it I think at walmart or Sams great stuff.

I hate the green fog emission that fermenting laundry give off lol. Having a seventeen year old boy trust me when I say the smells are worse.

Have a great day.

Kathryn said...

Oh God. I'm going to have 3 smelly teenage boys in my house and 1 grown smelly man in my house all at the same time. Ugh. I may have to move out for a while.

ciara said...

i HATE laundry.

Fred said...

Nice label.

My kid do their own laundry. If they want to smell, that's their business.

VE said...

Hooo boy. I know that scent! I should invent a nose filter that transforms bad smells into good smells. Simply insert in the nostrils and there you go!

Oh, and be warned. You are starring in my meme movie. Look for the post on Thu. May God have mercy on your soul...

M said...

You da woman! I am so glad that your family is safe and sound and back home. Summer FLEW by!

gab said...

I had forgotten that smell since my boys are in their 30's but now I have 2 of my young grandson's and oldest is 12. And he is into Football. PU! Heaven help me if he wants to go to camp. lol

S said...

With safety equipment strapped on, Barefoot skirts the horizon, her transpo pack turned up full speed!

Will she reach there in time to....serve the martinis for the recovering Limewashwomansuperherogal?But of course!
Cheers, madam!
Do you realize that some of the Wainwrights wander around in your town on a regular basis? Ayyyyy its killin me!

Jeni said...

Hmmm. Just wondering about the 12-year-old boy scent -do they ever totally outgrow that aroma? My son will be 35 in about two weeks and there are times, when he's really grubby from work or whatever, and I detect that familiar aroma all over again!
Here's hoping you get some extra intestinal fortitude and energy to go with it and are able to clear the top of Mount Laundry soon.

coopernicus said...

Teenage Swamp Gas...didn't The Who sing about that at one time???

Hilary said...

That was a brilliant repost.. very, VERY well-done!

david mcmahon said...

Craver told me about this post. It's brilliant!

The Broken Man said...

I don't envy you your laundry! Thankfully, my wife claims that she actually quite *likes* to do laundry and ironing, so I guess I can leave her to it!

The Broken man
http://theblogofabrokenman.blogspot.com/