Thursday, April 02, 2009

Slice of Lime-A Note to My Son

Dear Isaac,

I love you dearly. You are my son. You are the calm brother to two polar opposite and extreme sisters. You are my partner in wordplay. You make me laugh every single day. I adore you.

You are 13 now, which means your personal daily caloric intake is roughly equal to that of some small Third World nations...and yet you remain svelte. This is one of life's unfairnesses because if I merely fantasize about chocolate for more than 30 seconds I gain weight but such is life.

My real complaint is this. While I understand you can chug down a gallon of milk per day and you have recently begun to inhale similar quantities of orange juice I would like to politely but firmly request that you manage to spare your mother 4 ounces of skim milk and 8 ounces of orange juice for her breakfast each morning. Is that such a vast quantity to ask be held in reserve to splash upon my paltry serving of unsweetened bran flakes enhanced by a meager handful of frozen blueberries so I may start my day with a healthy breakfast in order to function well as your devoted and loving mother?

After all, I carried you in my body for 9 months and sustained you. When I saw your 9 1/2 lb newborn self, complete with a cranium the size of a small cantaloupe, I didn't even mind the 17 1/2 hours of labor followed by being gutted like a deer so you could enter this world since there was no way that melon head of yours was going to pass naturally. I won't even mention the stretchmarks that occur when a 5'4" mother carries a baby that big, or the way my feet permanently widened so much that even after giving birth I had to replace every pair of shoes. I gladly and lovingly nursed you for 18 months even though I could not seem to get through to you that the source of your nutrition was not so highly portable as a bottle may have been. The memory of having you clamp down hard and jerk your head around to take me with you while you tried to follow the activities of your older sisters still causes me to wince. But I endured this for the sake of your well being and health so you could grow strong.

Son, you are 13 and I accept it is difficult to keep enough food in this house for you. I know it will get worse in coming years. I have applied for a second mortgage in order to stock the pantry for next week. I am looking into how much I can get for a kidney and my plasma. In order to be able to recover from the surgery and the constant drain on my system I will require 4 ounces of skim milk and 8 ounces of orange juice each morning though. Should you deny me this comparatively small portion, the guilt of my ensuing osteoporosis due to calcium deficiency, (I am a middle aged woman now. You can probably hear the bone loss as it occurs.) and probable demise is on your head.


Lovingly,

Your Mother


49 comments:

G-Man said...

NOTE TO MOM...

OK...glug glug glug glug glug......




In one ear, out the other....

G-Man said...

PS. That 'stern' Limey look is sooo scary. I got goosebumps!!

And I got....BINGO!!!!!!!

Cocotte said...

LMAO......so true, so true. My son usually eats 3-4 different food items for breakfast between 6-6:30 AM, when his sisters are satisfied with one thing. Love the photo!

EmBee said...

Um.... Lovingly?
Now I know sarcasm and I wasn't born yesterday and I'm just guessing by that look on your face, the sentiment 'Lovingly', in this case, is so dripping with acid it just might burn a hole through poor little hungry Isaac's heart.
:-)

Desmond Jones said...

(*snort*)

". . . gutted like a deer. . ."

Sorry; I blew coffee out my nose on that one. . .

And boy, do I unnerstand about teenage boys who "suck down grub like a gol-durned vacuum cleaner" (props to Patrick McManus for the colorful turn of phrase). 5M has been working on a major juice fetish for the past many months. No orange, no mango is safe in our fridge. And we finally solved the milk problem by getting skim for Molly and me, and 2% for the kids. Which works OK, until the 2% runs out. . .

truckdriver_sefl said...

Note to mother..............

*crickets*


Have a good day!

Moannie said...

Me too, only it was tea spurting out of every facial orifice.

My answer would be to freeze small amounts [can you freeze milk] don't fill container to the top cos it expands when frozen] Then you will always have enough for your cereal. Sons don't usually know where the freezer is.

for a different kind of girl said...

Less than one week ago, I purchased a box of cereal FOR ME. It is a healthy brand, although the manufacturer apparently wants to tease kids with the hint of chocolate in the blend. When I got home, I held the box aloft and informed my two sons that I was claiming this particular box of cereal in the name of fiber and low fat goodness. I can make a box of cereal last two weeks, at least, by eating only the recommended serving size. This, I told my sons, was being healthy AND economically sound.

Today, I came downstairs and went to have that cereal for the first time since purchasing it. The box was in the pantry. It was also empty.

I curse my children.

NYD said...

Children are for keeping parents on their toes. Your gonna have to out think the boy. Might I suggest spiking his milk with Milk of magnesia. That ought to get his attention.

Suldog said...

Great photo!

By the way, is that a bowl full of malted milk balls you're eating? Yum!

Craver Vii said...

It's a treat to see how you express yourself. Me, I would probably just yell like Fred Flintstone.

Desmond Jones said...

And does your teenage son put the empty gallon back in the fridge, once he's drained it? 'Cuz I'm intimately familiar with that practice, too. . .

Beach Bum said...

My wife and I can relate about the milk consumption and the general cost of feeding a teenager. Drives me crazy when he takes the Chip Ahoy cookies and leaves nothing crumbs. you and and my wife could definitely talk about that gutted deer statement.

EmBee said...

Oh, and believe it or not I have the exact opposite problem with my almost 19 yr. old... He's always so busy with programming he forgets to eat. The boy is 6'1" and barely tops 120 on the scale... Damn, I wish I'd forget to eat!
>:-(

Craver Vii said...

6'1" & 120? Wasn't that Weird Harold from Bill Cosby's Fat Albert?

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

Oooh nice blueberries! What hope for me, my 9 year old does this already?!!

mssolitaire said...

OMG!!! I snorted! I remember when both my brothers hit that age and we couldn't keep food in the house! Oh yes, those wonderful teenaged years! :)

Hang in there!

S said...

Ok can I just copy this letter and make a few changes and address it to Mr Ratburn who eats EVERYTHING in sight?
Even when I think I have found something safe, like super hot tace sauce for instance, or a new salad dressing that I think he won't like, he will eat that when HIS stuff is gone.
Grrrr! Makes me so mad.
BTW I have just come from the grocery store. $200! And I was being careful.
I am thinking about hiding some stuff under my bed, or I am getting a secret tiny refrigerator to stash my stuff in the smaller yurt.
Now, when you spoke about being gutted at childbirth, I once again thanked my lucky stars for a 3 pound baby, but mostly it made me think about that deer butt out thing that you have.....
EEEKK!!!
I have a half gallon of milk in my fridge. Ratburn is the only one that uses milk in this house. Come on over.
BTW how was the dry cereal?

airplanejayne said...

I was so happy that I had a girl -- for SO MANY REASONS -- but this food consumption thing was definitely high on the list...

I could never have afforded to feed a boy.

Hilary said...

This was hilarious but poor, dear Lime.. it gets so much worse. Gawd, they can eat!

(M)ary said...

the look on your face is priceless!

Jazz said...

Good think I don't have a teenage boy. I don't think I could afford to feed him.

jillie said...

OMG...that is too funny. Tell him that you'll have sell his ever growing body parts if he won't at least spare you some nutrition. I think I have it bad with feeding 3 big dogs but I see that I don't!

xo

snowelf said...

Issac--spare your mama the milk, sweetie!!!

Sigh...I may have to find someone willing to break the child labor laws when my son becomes a teenager. He's hungry all the time now! And like Issac, skinny and tall. He's like a walking sunflower! (I know... Not very manly, but an appropriate depiction.)

--snow

Moosekahl said...

one rule...if it is EMPTY do NOT put it back in the fridge. That is a cruel trick!

Kat said...

HAHAHAHA!!!!!
Okay, now you have REALLY scared the hell out of me. I have THREE boys and we already go through 4 gallons of milk a week. What am I going to do??????

Love the photo. :)

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

LOL..great writing...May I snitch this and give it to my 14 yr old son! This moning he poured half a pkt of corn flakes into a bowl the size of the moon and poured a litre of fat milk ove rit and chomped away, nodding along to my one way breakfast conversation.

I should be grateful he nodds

introspection said...

Wonderful post. And Congratulations for winning David's POTD. that where I came via.
Your writing so different. would love to read your other blogs, and will be back.

French Fancy said...

Fabulous post - congrats on POTD

Shadow said...

i think you've been spying in my windows... my 13-year old does EXACTLY the same bloody thing!

Sheri said...

oh my! I feel your pain. My mom tells me about my brothers growing up and they would eat an entire cake, a box of spaghetti and a gallon of milk at one meal. Holy!

Well.... good luck trying to get some milk and oj left for you..... it's gonna be tough!

Cheffie-Mom said...

This post is too funny! I can so relate. I have a 15 year old son. It's amazing how much he has grown in the past 6 months!

Cheffie-Mom said...

Oh, and congratulations on Post of the Day from authorblog!

Denise said...

Congtrats on getting post of the day over at David's Authorblog. I can so see why, this is great and I am still laughing. Thank you!!!! I have a son of my own but he moved out a while back now.

ciara said...

great post. my stepson can eat everything in the house if you let him. he used to back even when my hubs & i first got married. i put a stop to that quickly, because it's not about me getting enough food, it's about everyone else not getting enough or any at all. teen boys/men only need 2800 calories, my stepson and hubs act like they need 10,000! lol

Mara said...

Do you know those small hotel fridges? Get one of those, buy a great big padlock and hang the key around your neck. You might be in with a chance then!
Good luck...

endangered coffee said...

put your real milk in a soy milk container, should scare him away

tsduff said...

That picture says a thousand words - you've got "that lookd" down pat.

Having kicked all the kids out of the house, let me tell you how wonderful it is to actually have food in the icebox when we want it LOL!

Jocelyn said...

I think this is my favorite post--and favorite picture--ever on this blog...from the truisms of adolescent males and their eating to how sucking it is to be an oldisher woman trying to eat healthy and finding even that task daunting. Like you, I am haunted by food and children.

Cheesy said...

Oh darlin soon enough you will be tossing food that goes bad and missing him dearly. But I so had to giggle as a person who could relate!

TorAa said...

This is a good mothers talk to his teenage son.
There will be days when you can't believe how much these youngsters really eat; like monsters.

I very well remember my mothers despair when she realized how much I ate and still was thin as a string.

Pouty Lips said...

Just for un momento imagine what it would be like for your stomach and your bank account if all three were boys...That would be me. This is true: They complain to this day that there was never enough food in the house. I actually took to hiding food in my closet so that I would have enough food to pack their lunches. I know this sounds extreme but at the time it seemed perfectly reasonable to me. Basically, I took at least one, if not two, trips to the grocery store each and every day.

Limey, I miss it so much!

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Congrats on POTD! This is outrageously funny!!! I have a 13, soon to be 14 year old...and I can completely relate!!!! You have captured this so very well! You certainly have a terrific way with words!

Willow said...

How well I remember those days~ I had four teenagers and a seven year old. The Professor and I were malnourished for years, as was our bank account!

Congrats on post of the day!

BTExpress said...

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cath said...

ROTFL - I remember this so well! This is true! And I am so glad I am not the only mother with a son who did this when he turned 13!

The good news is, they grow out of this phase.
The bad news is, not until they learn to drive and start putting on weight because they drive everywhere.

The worse news (for me) is - I have a son approaching 13. (Two years to go...)

Debbie said...

Had to come over from David's to check out the post of the day. Great letter! I love it.

addhumorandfaith said...

I'm visiting for the first time, and I LOVE this post! Thank you for a laugh out loud. Even though I laughed, it was a sympathetic laugh from someone who knows -- our son weighed 10'4" at birth with a head the size of a VW! :)

Gnightgirl said...

Hilarious. Great post.