Tuesday, May 05, 2009

How Could They Not Hire Me?

I need to entertain myself regarding this whole job hunt thing. Diana has recently filled out a few applications too so I am culling some questions from various applications and having fun.

Present condition of health:
The dozen different voices in my head all agree I'm in good shape

Were you ever discharged from a position?
Well, I developed this really nasty, oozing discharge from a several open sores when I worked next door to a chemical plant that had built on an old dump site next to a nuclear waste facility.

Are you now under contract?
My personal finances have contracted significantly, which is why I need this job.

Current position?
Sitting at my desk

Reason for interest in changing position?
I'm starting to cramp up a little.

May we contact your present employer at this time?
Sure, Mr. Lime would love to hear from you.

When could you come for a personal interview?
That depends upon the skill and personal appeal of the interviewer.

When will you be available for placement?
That depends upon where I am being placed and how gently.

Have you ever been convicted of a crime?
Convicted? No, never convicted.

Can you meet the attendance requirements of this job?
I get attendants? Awesome! I require 2 with great skill and personal appeal.

How many days of work have you missed in the last two years?
Not nearly enough!

List your previous jobs.
Wiper of noses and butts
Chief cook and bottle washer
Purveyor of injustice and killjoy extraordinaire
Scapegoat for crushed hopes and unfulfilled dreams
Sorter of socks
Human ATM


Cocotte said...

I think you were modest in the area of "previous jobs" - you forgot taxi service and personal shopper!

G-Man said...

...Yes, I was on the road to the Presidentsy...Then YOU came along!

I coulda been somebody..
I coulda been a contender!!!

Whats for dinner?

snowelf said...

I'd hire you, Lime. I appreciate an employee who can get away with stuff and will do my bidding.


Jazz said...

I mean c'mon! with those answers they HAVE to hire you!!!

for a different kind of girl said...

If I could get attendants and have them refer to me as Her Royal Highness or some such thing like that, I'd be delighted to have a team of attendants!

furiousBall said...

butt wiper

Spanish Princess said...

Don't forget Domestic Engineer. I hear engineers get paid good, so I recently took that position but am still awaiting my paycheck ... must've got lost in the mail!

S said...

You're hired!

Shadow said...

aaaah, yes, consider yourself employed. as office comedian, heee heee heee

Desmond Jones said...

Have the voices in your head talk to the voices in my head, and let's all do lunch sometime. . .

Desmond Jones said...

And I know about at least a few of your convictions (but I won't tell if you won't)


Ananda girl said...

Coming for that interview did sound delightful! lol

Hey, my verification word is "ganausym" ... it sounds like a discharge. A good match for your post. ha.

Craver Vii said...

No, never convicted. Indeed!

Anonymous said...

you are over qualified for most jobs my dear!!! Good luck on the job hunt! :)

Hilary said...

I totally agree.. how could they not? :)

Anonymous said...

It's a cinch...you'll be hired on the spot. Good Luck!

gab said...

Most all of us mothers know this feeling very well. especially the crushed hopes and unfulfilled dreams. AND OMG the human ATM its like we go out back pick the money off the trees and put into our pockets just for them.

Anonymous said...

Leave out the bit about oozing sores and you're golden.

Breazy said...

hahahaha, I like your answers. They provided a much needed laugh after a busy day dealing with the public.

Have a great day!

~Tim said...

If the interviewer has little skill or personal appeal, would you fake it?

Beach Bum said...

How many days of work have you missed in the last two years?
Not nearly enough!

Amen, I really look forward to winning the lottery so I can miss far more days at work.

Lulda Casadaga said...

You would think after all these years they would come up with some better questions. Your answers are priceless! :D Oh,and by the way I called in on Monday...they can kiss my ass!

Mona said...

Fill in the blank with one letter

You are _ired !

Ella said...

i think if i ever received an application with such honest answers, i'd have to bring you in for an interview just on principal.

my favorite was "scapegoat for crushed hopes and unfulfilled dreams." i've had that job for YEARS!

Anonymous said...

I hate the whole interview process. Even though I know I can do the job, I am always a nervous wreck. I just got a job working from home. Self-employment and working in my pajamas has been my dream. :)

RennyBA said...

Hey: If you need an endorsement - you can always count on me! Norwegian Vikings can be very convincing you know :-)