How Could They Not Hire Me?

I need to entertain myself regarding this whole job hunt thing. Diana has recently filled out a few applications too so I am culling some questions from various applications and having fun.

Present condition of health:

The dozen different voices in my head all agree I'm in good shape

Were you ever discharged from a position?
Well, I developed this really nasty, oozing discharge from a several open sores when I worked next door to a chemical plant that had built on an old dump site next to a nuclear waste facility.

Are you now under contract?
My personal finances have contracted significantly, which is why I need this job.

Current position?
Sitting at my desk

Reason for interest in changing position?
I'm starting to cramp up a little.

May we contact your present employer at this time?
Sure, Mr. Lime would love to hear from you.

When could you come for a personal interview?
That depends upon the skill and personal appeal of the interviewer.

When will you be available for placement?
That depends upon where I am being placed and how gently.

Have you ever been convicted of a crime?
Convicted? No, never convicted.

Can you meet the attendance requirements of this job?
I get attendants? Awesome! I require 2 with great skill and personal appeal.

How many days of work have you missed in the last two years?
Not nearly enough!

List your previous jobs.

Wiper of noses and butts

Chief cook and bottle washer

Purveyor of injustice and killjoy extraordinaire

Scapegoat for crushed hopes and unfulfilled dreams

Sorter of socks
Human ATM